by Robert Bevan
4d6
A Caverns and Creatures Mini-Adventure Collection
By Robert Bevan
Copyright 2016 Robert Bevan
This is a collection of the fourth six Caverns and Creatures Mini-Adventures. It includes:
Djinngle Bells
Genital Harpies
The Unwashed Asses
B.Oar Guests
Wight Trash
Probing The Annis
No new content has been added. Nothing in the stories has been changed. If you’ve already purchased these stories, there’s little need for you to purchase the e-version of this collection.
I’m making it available for those who either haven’t read them yet, and prefer them in a bundle rather than as individual titles on their reading devices, or for those of you who would like these stories in paperback format, which is available here.
Acknowledgements:
First, I’d like to thank Joan Reginaldo for her invaluable criticism. It’s tough to find a good beta-reader. I went through a few before I met Joan. I can’t stress enough how important it is to find someone who understands your vision and is able to help you achieve it. There’s so much more involved than pointing out misplaced commas (though she did a lot of that, too). Go take a look at Joan’s blog if you have a chance. She’s got some good tips on writing. Leave a comment. She likes comments.
Next, I’d like to thank my beautiful wife, No Young Sook, for her constant support, and for getting up to get the kids ready for school every morning because I left early to go to the office to write some books.
Next in line to be thanked is my brother-in-law, No Hyun Jun. Every cover of mine you see is the end product of a communication struggle, his English being about on par with my Korean. But the guy can work some Photoshop magic. And he also helps out with the kids quite a bit. Thanks, Hyun Jun.
Finally, I’d like to thank all of you wonderful people who like my Facebook page.
Djinngle Bells
(Original Publication Date: December 10, 2015)
Tim fell backwards a short distance, his ass crushing something cold and wet where his upturned bucket had just been. Everything around him was cold and wet. And dark. Why was it so dark? He couldn’t see shit.
“What the f-f-f-fuck?” The sudden change in temperature was taking over his sudden blindness as a priority. “Where the f-f-f-fuck am I? Julian! Dave! Cooper!”
He felt around. Soft, cold, crunchy. Snow. He was stuck in a small cavity of fresh snow. Did he get caught in an avalanche? How much had he had to drink?
No. No no no. That couldn’t be it. He was at the Whore’s Head Inn, and it was still late summer. He knew he was there because that’s why he’d been in a sitting position. Where the hell did his bucket go? Where the hell did all this snow come from? Shit! How much oxygen did he have?
Tim concentrated on what way was up. His feet were on solid ground, so up was the opposite way. He clawed frantically at the snow, widening the cavity above him and packing the snow more tightly near his waist. If he packed it tight enough, it would support his weight, and he could keep climbing.
“F-f-f-fuck it’s c-c-c-cold!”
His fingers were starting to numb, and he had to take a piss. Two birds, one stone. He unlaced his pants and pulled out his little halfling dick. The pee was good and warm on his hands, but not so good for the structural integrity of the step he was trying to make, as he found out when his foot went right through it.
“Goddamn it!”
“Tim?” Julian’s voice was faint above the snow, but it was definitely him.
“Julian!” cried Tim. “I’m down here!”
“Where?” Julian was getting closer. “I can’t see you!”
Tim needed a signal. He felt around to see what he had on him. He still had his crossbow. Perfect. He loaded a bolt, cocked it back, aimed up, and pulled the trigger.
A gurgling whinny answered his signal.
“Shit.”
The darkness broke as the head of a white, wide-eyed horse crashed into Tim’s snow cavity, spraying blood out of its neck. Tim covered his eyes. When he looked again, the horse had disappeared. His bolt lay in a patch of orange snow. He dipped it a few times in some clean snow, then packed it away. Waste not, want not.
Julian, who had obviously been riding the magically summoned horse that Tim just accidentally murdered, stood up and shook the snow off of his serape and quarterstaff. The snow was only up to right below his chest. “Was that really necessary?”
“S-s-s-sorry,” said Tim. “I p-p-p-panicked. W-w-w-where the ffffuck are we?”
“I don’t know,” said Julian. He averted his eyes as he reached down to help Tim up. “Why are your pants down?”
“I had to – Oomf!” Tim’s hand slipped free of Julian’s, sending him face first into the blood and piss stained snow.
“Dude!” said Julian. “Is this pee on your hand?”
Tim spat out some soiled snow. “And now in my mouth, thank you very much.”
“Julian!” called Dave. His voice was clear. His head was obviously above the snow.
Julian nodded. “Hey, Dave.”
“Don’t Hey, Dave me! What’s with all the snow?”
“How should I know?” said Julian. “I guess it’s just one of those game things.”
“No,” said Tim, lacing up his pants. “There’s nothing in the game that makes a group of people spontaneously teleport from a pub to a fucking tundra for no reason.”
“You think we were teleported?”
“What else could it be? I’ve been pretty fucking drunk in my life, but I’ve never woken up in Antarctica.”
“Shit!” said Julian, as if only now realizing something was amiss.
“What?” asked Dave.
“Cooper.” Julian turned frantically, looking in every direction.“Has anyone seen Cooper?”
“I’ve been down here in this hole,” said Tim. “I haven’t seen shit.”
“Cooper’s bigger than any of us,” said Dave. “If anyone’s not going to have a problem with a couple of feet of snow, it’s him.”
Julian pulled on his long elf ears. “He was passed out on the floor. What if he didn’t wake up, and he’s buried in snow? He could suffocate.” He pulled the left side of his serape back and looked under it. “Ravenus. I need you to scout the area.”
“It’s so cold, sir,” said the bird. “And I really am quite drunk. Couldn’t you send the big fellow, just this once?”
“Cooper’s missing. I need you to go look for him.”
“Righty-ho.” Ravenus feigned enthusiasm for his task through a stifled yawn. “Pip.Pip. Here we go.”
Julian launched Ravenus into the air. Ravenus got in about three good flaps before he plummeted into the snow.
“Ravenus!” cried Julian. “Are you okay?”
“I am now, sir,” said Ravenus. “My, but that’s invigorating.”
Tim could barely see Ravenus’s dark form through the falling snow as he passed overhead. It was coming down hard, and Tim’s hole was starting to fill back up. Every trace of urine and horse blood had been whitened away with a blanket of pristine snow.
“Hey!” Tim called up to Julian. “You mind getting me out of this hole now?”
“Did you wash your hands?”
Tim grabbed a handful of fresh snow, rubbed his numb hands together, and flung it down at his sides. “There. Are you satisfied now, mom?”
Julian forced his way through the snow into Tim’s hole. “I don’t know what you’re so keen to get out of there for. There’s nothing to see.” He picked up Tim and put him on top of the snow.
Tim looked around. Julian was right. Nothing but snow as far as he could
see in any direction, which admittedly wasn’t very far. Still, it was nice to have some freedom of movement.
Between his high Dexterity score, his small size, and his proportionally large halfling feet, Tim found he was able to traverse the surface of the snow without sinking. He took careful steps to the edge of the trench Dave had carved.
Dave’s head barely broke the surface. He must have had ten pounds of snow in his beard alone.
“Jesus, Dave,” said Tim. “You must be freezing.”
Dave shrugged. “Dwarves are built for this sort of thing.”
Tim traced Dave’s trench to the end, then the trench that Julian’s horse had carved before Tim accidentally shot it, then looked at his own hole. He forced himself to remember where everyone had been at the Whore’s Head Inn.
“Guys,” said Tim. “I think our starting positions here are relative to where we were at the Whore’s Head when we got teleported. If Cooper is here…” He turned around and faced an empty snowscape. “He should be a few yards in –”
“I’ve found him, sir!” cried Ravenus, flapping in from the direction Tim was facing.
“Good job, Ravenus!” said Julian. “Cooper! We’re over here!”
“That won’t do you any good, sir. I believe he’s still asleep.”
“Then how did you see him? Why isn’t he covered in snow?”
Ravenus raised his wings in a shrug. “That is an excellent question, sir.”
Tim’s prediction on where to find Cooper was confirmed by the direction Ravenus had flown in from. He didn’t wait for directions.
Moments later, Tim was standing at the edge of a crater in the snow. Cooper lay sound asleep in the middle of it, with only a light dusting of snow on his body.
“That’s strange,” said Tim. “How do you suppose he –”
PRRRFFFBBBBTBTBTBTBTHBBBBTTT
Cooper’s loincloth fluttered as a long, noisy fart instantly melted what little snow had accumulated on him since his previous fart.
“Oh my god,” said Tim as the noxious gas invaded his eyes, nose, and mouth. “What the fuck did you eat last –”
The fart-weakened snow gave way beneath Tim’s feet, sending him crashing to the bottom of the crater.
“Tim?” Julian called out.
“AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!” Tim replied. Cooper’s fart was apparently denser than air, as it was much more concentrated inside the snow crater. Tim scooped up a big ball of snow, packed it hard, and threw it at Cooper’s face.
“Dude,” said Cooper without opening his eyes. “Knock it off. I’m trying to sleep.”
“Fuck you!” said Tim, and hurled another snowball at Cooper’s face.
Cooper yawned, stretched, and finally stood up. He walked to the edge of the crater and pulled up his loincloth. A steaming jet of dark yellow piss sliced through the snow like a ten-foot-long light-saber. “It’s kinda chilly in here.”
Tim hurled a third snowball at the back of Cooper’s head. “Dude! You need to wake up!”
Cooper turned around, cutting down the top foot of snow around half the circumference of the crater, except for the part that Tim blocked with his face.“Oh, shit. Sorry about that.”
Tim scooped up some white snow and scrubbed his face. “Is it too much to ask to go through a single day without being covered in piss?”
Cooper squinted, looking to his left and right and scratching his balls. “Something’s different.”He farted again, and the section of crater wall behind him melted into a pool at his feet.
“Cooper!” said Julian, trudging through the snow. “Thank goodness you’re all right! I was worried you might have – Oh my God! What’s that smell?” He’d broken through to the fart crater.
“Help me!” said Tim.
Cooper picked up Tim. “You guys need to grow the fuck up.” He tossed Tim out of the crater.
Tim spread out his arms and legs, maximizing the surface area with which he’d hit the snow so as to minimize how far he’d sink. It worked. He barely left an imprint as he belly-flopped onto the cold white surface.
Julian did a dolphin jump over the side of his trench, diving into a patch of snow that wasn’t connected to the pipeline of concentrated fart.
“Oh man!” cried Dave, the top of his helmet visible above Julian’s former trench. “What is that – It’s like bacon and cheese, only terrible!”
Ravenus flew into view and perched atop Julian’s quarterstaff just as he was standing up in his new trench. “Where’s the danger, master?”
“It’s okay, Ravenus,” said Julian.
“I sensed you were being violently choked. Show me who assaulted you, and they shall feel the fury of beak and talon!”
“It was Cooper’s ass.”
Ravenus looked at Cooper, then back down at Julian. “Forgive me, sir. My loyalty has boundaries.”
“Don’t worry. We’re not in any danger.” Julian hugged himself. “I mean, aside from being inexplicably lost in a snowy wasteland without food, shelter, or adequate clothing.”
“I spotted a cave not far from here, sir.”
“Sweet!” said Tim. “Let’s get moving. Lead the way already!”
Ravenus looked blankly at Tim, then down at Julian. “Is he talking to me, sir?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Tim. Julian had made the mistake of choosing Elven as the language his familiar could speak, and so the bird couldn’t understand anything anyone said unless they were speaking in a British accent. Tim cleared his throat. “Tally-ho, good chap! Start flapping ye collywobbles and show us to the goddamn cave…mate.”
“Right,” said Ravenus. “This way, gents.” He launched himself from Julian’s quarterstaff and flew into the snow-filled sky.
Cooper effortlessly plowed through the snow after Ravenus.
“Horse,” said Julian. The horse that appeared beside him was brown this time, and did not look at all happy about suddenly materializing in a snowstorm. Julian mounted the horse and guided it around the circumference of Cooper’s fart-hole.
Tim looked back. Dave’s head was buried in the side of his trench. Tim threw a snowball at him.
“What?” said Dave.
“Ravenus found a cave. Let’s move.”
Dave pulled his head out of the snow. His face was red and his beard was white, kind of the opposite of normal. He looked across the crater at Cooper. “I don’t think I can make it.”
“Don’t be such a baby,” said Tim. “Just keep your head held high. The fart-air will sink as it flows into your trench.”
Cooper farted, melting the sides of his new trench immediately behind him.
Tim shook his head. “That is, if Cooper doesn’t keep filling it up. Can’t you plug that up with something?”
“Sure,” said Cooper. “Come on over here.”
Dave scooped up two handfuls of snow, pressed them against his face, and took a long deep inhalation. He didn’t exhale as he waddled into Cooper’s fart cloud.
It only took a few minutes before a piece of the horizon grew darker, then the cave entrance sharpened into view. This place seemed like a barren wasteland, but with only twenty feet of visibility in any direction, they could be in the middle of a thriving metropolis for all Tim knew.
The mouth of the cave had the appearance of natural rock, but was a little too symmetrical. Tim suspected nature had had a little help. The same went for the stairs that led down inside. No one step was the same height or width as another, but they were too flat and functional to be completely nature’s handiwork.
“Should we go in?” asked Julian once he, Tim, and Cooper were all under the lip of the cave. The cautious tone of his voice suggested he didn’t think they should.
“Fuck yes,” said Tim. It was nice to be out of the snow, but his clothes were soaked, and he was freezing. He and Julian looked up at Cooper for an opinion to tip the scale.
Cooper shut his eyes, grimaced, and stopped breathing.
Tim frowned. “Coop? You okay?”
> Cooper exhaled as a jet of greenish-brown liquid shit squirted out from the bottom of his loincloth and pooled behind him like a large, circular welcome mat for Dave, who was just catching up.
Dave fell backwards in horror, then rolled out of the way as a shit-tendril flowed down an uneven section of rock toward him.“Jesus, Cooper!”
Cooper wiped some sweat off his brow. He was breathing hard. “Oh, man. Sorry if I’ve been short with you guys. That’s been trying to get out of me since I woke up. Fucking chili.”
“What do you think, Dave?” asked Julian.
“I think there’s only so much you can blame on a low Charisma score.”
“I meant about the cave. Do you think we should go in?”
Dave stepped carefully around the huge shit puddle. “I don’t see how we have much choice. It’s either go down the stairs, wander back out into the snow, or stand here and watch Cooper shit himself until we all freeze to death.”
“But what if somebody lives here?” asked Julian.
Tim shivered. “Then they can tell us where the fuck here is, and how to get the fuck out of here.”
“I just don’t like the idea of barging into someone’s home.”
Tim made a show of examining the mouth of the cave. “Well, I don’t see a fucking bell.”
Julian peered down the stairs. “Hello?” The tremor in his voice was amplified by echoes bouncing off the cave walls.
After thirty seconds with no response, Tim looked at Julian. “Satisfied?”
“Not remotely.”
“I can’t take this smell anymore,” said Dave. “I’m going down.”
The steps hadn’t been designed for dwarves or halflings. Even a tall human probably would have found them uncomfortably steep, but Tim and Dave had to descend each one like they were climbing down from a wall. Tim hoped there was something worthwhile down there, because climbing back up was going to be a bitch.
Tim knew Julian and Cooper were following by the sound of hooves clopping against rock.
