by Tim Tingle
“Hey, yeah, that’s a good idea.”
“How long can you guys stay?”
“I don’t know, we’ve got a curfew, and we want to make a few more stops too.”
“What about if we pay you? Hey guys, shell out some bills to keep these guys here till the sorority sisters get here!” Somebody started passing a baseball cap, and it was filling up with dollar bills.
“Okay, I guess we can stay a few minutes.”
Calls were made to the University, and they got results. “Hey man, we got a swarm of hot babes on the way! Play it cool, guys. Just like you did with us.”
Chris got back into the casket, and Calvin closed the lid. Cory and Joey didn’t have to hawk the suckers in like before, because the college kids were doing it for them. They were flagging down people passing by, mostly college students who had just arrived, and had not been in on the first performance. It didn’t take long to get a full crowd together, and some were clamoring to see the dead man.
“Want to go ahead?” Cory asked.
“Naw, the sorority girls aren’t here yet.”
“We can do another show for them.”
“Yeah okay, go ahead.”
“Okay, listen up,” one of the college boys said, “You want to see it, so here it is!” Calvin slowly opened the lid, like before, as the crowd crushed in to get a look.
“Look at him! He’s wrapped up!”
“Yeah, like a mummy!”
“Who is this guy?”
“What did he die from?”
“He’s a prisoner who was executed for murder!” one of the black guys said. “Look how swelled up his head be!”
Just as everyone was getting a good look at him, looking for tell-tale signs of his execution, Chris’s eyes popped open, and he started rising up.
“Get back!”
“He’s alive!”
“Oh my God!, Run!”
Again, there was a stampede to get away from the truck, in which some were knocked down and trampled, but it was soon followed by laughter, as the realization set in that this was just a hoax. One girl actually peed in her pants, she was so scared. The college guys who had been suckered in on the first performance, were giving high-fives all around, and were taking credit for this second show. But Cory and the Lees didn’t mind, because it was working so well.
Someone who was watching, called out, “Hey, I see some of the Sorority girls! Time to set it up again, guys.”
“The mummy needs to have blood on it, to look more authentic,” someone said.
“I’ll go get ketchup!” someone said, and he ran into McDonalds, and returned with a handful of ketchup packets. A half dozen kids helped open the packs, as Cory applied the ‘blood’ to the mummy’s head and face.
“Put some on his hands too!”
Joey was concerned. “Try not to get any on the casket liner. It might be hard to clean off!”
“Who cares?”
“I do! Dad will kill us, if we mess up his casket.”
“Don’t worry! He won’t see it till he’s dead!”
“Yeah, but for all eternity, he’ll be looking at ketchup stains.”
“Hurry up! Here they come! Close the lid!”
They set the stage for their third performance. As they waited, Cory nudged Joey and said, “This is way more cool than that Church play was!”
“Yeah, a lot better! And a lot more people in the audience too!”
The Sorority girls were ushered in for the third performance, which was the biggest crowd of the evening. It came off even better than the first two. Screaming girls were running everywhere. They were making preparations for the fourth performance, when suddenly the mood of the evening changed.
A Montevallo Police car was slowly passing by McDonald’s, and the policemen were curious as to the reason for the unusually large crowd. They almost stopped, but kept going.
“They’re going to circle the block, and come back,” one black student said, “And when they come back around, they’ll stop and see what’s goin’ on!”
“Yeah, if you guys don’t want a lot of questions, you’d better get the hell out of here now.”
That was all Joey needed to hear. “Yeah, let’s get out of here, Cory!”
He didn’t have to say it twice. “Chris, you stay in the casket with the lid shut, till we get out of town.” The other three of them got into the cab. The crowd parted, and let them out. They entered the street going the same direction the police car had gone, knowing he had probably circled the block. Outside town, they pulled over to plan their strategy. They let Chris out to stretch his legs. “Guys, that went better than expected!”
“Yeah, can you believe that crowd? It was awesome!”
“That was so cool!”
“I was kind’a hoping to get a Big Mac before we left, though.” Chris said.
“That’s okay, we’ll go eat at Dari-Delite over in Laurel Grove, and give another performance there!”
“How much money did we get back there?” Calvin asked.
“I don’t know. Let’s count it.”
“Looks like $27. That ought to buy some burgers and fries!”
“Yeah, let’s go! Chris, you just ride in the casket, so we’ll have more room.” They loaded up, and drove the four miles to Laurel Grove.
Laurel Grove was a smaller town, and not as much activity, but most of the younger generation would be hanging out at the Dari-Delite, so they went straight there. The crowd was disappointing, but they deemed it worthy of a performance, after all, this was their home town. Joey asked around and found that most of the young people that would usually be here were gone to the Presbyterian Retreat, where they were supposed to be. He and Cory began working the crowd, trying to get up interest in a dead body, but it was harder to do here. A retired teacher and her husband were there, and she wasn’t fooled.
“Joey Lee, what kind of prank are you kids up to now?”
“Prank, Mrs. Albright?”
“Yes, you heard me, I said prank! You are Travis Lee’s son, are you not?”
“Yes Ma-am.”
“Like father like son! Now what are you up to?”
“We have a corpse in this casket. Want to see it?”
“Now where in the world would you boys get a corpse?”
“Hey, where did we get the casket too? Let me introduce you to Cory Latham, Mrs. Albright. His dad is the undertaker here in town. You know Gregory Latham?”
“Yes, I know the undertaker. So you are his son, Cory?”
“Yes, Ma-am.”
“Why are you dressed like that?”
“Oh, well, we just had a church play, and I played the part of Jesus, since I was the only young guy with long hair.”
“I see. And so, ‘Jesus’ I suppose you are going to tell me that your dad let you have a corpse to ride around town after the play?” she said sarcastically.
“Well, actually, we asked to borrow a casket, along with his truck. But I don’t think my dad remembered that this casket was in the back of his truck when he told me I could borrow it. So I got the truck, and assumed that the casket in the back was the one he intended us to use. But apparently not. He probably still doesn’t realize the mix-up.”
“Oh my God! You boys really do have a dead body in the back of that truck!”
“Yes Ma’am. Do you want to see it?”
“Why in the world . . . I mean, . . . who is it? It would have to be somebody from town, and I know everyone here! Who has died lately?”
The boys were stumped, until Calvin spoke up. “You knew Mr. Deason, that was killed in the fire?”
“Yes, I knew Bob Deason. But Mr. Deason was burned beyond recognition, from what I understand.”
“He’s
pretty crisp,” Cory said, with a deep sense of reverence, while at the same time, doing a good job of concealing a smile. “In fact, Dad had to wrap him up pretty tight, I guess to kind of hold him together after the skin burned crisp and broke open. Kind of like a roasted pig.”
That conjured up not-so-pleasant images.
“So how about it? Want to see him?”
The moment of pause told them that she did, even though she really didn’t. Her husband spoke up for the first time. “Well, I’d like a quick look, if you don’t mind. I don’t want to gawk at him, but I am just a bit curious.”
His wife looked at him with disdain. “A morbid curiosity, wouldn’t you say, John?”
“Hey, what can I say? I like to go to freak shows at the State Fair too, so sue me!”
“Well, we won’t charge you for a peek.” Cory said. “But before we open him up, Joey, go into Dari-Delite and see if anyone else wants a peek, because I have to get him back to the funeral home before my Dad misses him.”
Cory engaged them in conversation until Joey returned with a half dozen people, making their total audience about 16. “Okay folks, one last viewing before we take him back to the mortuary. Calvin, open him up!”
The lid creaked open, and everyone gasped. Mrs. Albright was skeptical though. “I thought he was burned? I can see his face, and it doesn’t look . . . AAHHH!”
Chris’s eyes popped open, and he began rising up, as everyone screamed and backed off. Cory could contain his laughter no longer, and burst out, along with Joey, and Calvin, and even Chris. And then the crowd began laughing. John thought it was pretty funny, but Mrs. Albright was not amused.
“You lied to us! You deliberately lied to us, to get us to believe that you had a real body in there!”
“I am real!” Chris said.
“Hey, lighten up, dear, and admit it! They got us pretty good!” She finally smiled and shook her head. “Yes, you got us! But you ought not do that to old people like us! We could have had a heart attack!”
“But we didn’t, so good job, guys! That’s the best prank I’ve seen in years!”
“Well, stick around for our repeat performance.” Cory said.
Joey shook his head. “I don’t know, Cory, I think that was our only show in this town. That was about all the spectators we could scrape up.”
“Yeah, Montevallo was better. We did three showings, and could have done more, but the police were getting curious, so we moved on.”
“So this is a traveling show?” John asked.
“Yeah, we plan to hit West Blocton if we have time. An impromptu engagement at the Tiger Hut!”
“But let’s eat first,” Chris said. “I’m starving!”
“Okay, let’s eat here.”
As they got out to go in, John gave them a suggestion. “You ought to take your show down to the Presbyterian Retreat on the river. The kids would love this!”
“I don’t know about that,” Cory replied. “They kind of like to run their own itinerary down there. They would be pissed if someone came in and up-staged their ghost stories.”
“Yes, you are probably right. Well, good luck.”
The boys walked into Dari-Delite, Jesus leading the way, with Lazurus bringing up the rear, walking stiffly. They ordered burgers and fries, then looked at the time.
“We’re going to have to hurry, if we are going to hit the Tiger Hut, and get back in time to unload the casket at our house before the curfew.” Joey said.
“No problem,” Cory said. “We should have plenty of time to spare.”
“Yeah, but we need to allow time for a flat tire, or something.”
“My dad has good tires on this truck, and it’s running like a top. What could go wrong? We’ll do fine. Don’t worry. When you start worrying, that’s when you will something to happen. Believe me, nothing is going to happen to keep us from getting home on time.”
“Are we getting our food to go?” Chris asked.
“Yeah, that will save time.”
They got their food, then went out and sat on the tailgate to eat most of it before they loaded up to go.
“Chris, are you going to ride up front with us?”
“Nah. I’ll ride in the casket. It’s less cramped.” He climbed in, taking his fries and drink with him. The other three loaded into the cab, and off they went. It was a ten mile ride to West Blocton, even taking the shortcut across Turkey Ridge. It was a less used road, and was full of sharp curves, and steep hills to climb, but it was the shortest rout. Their Dad had once told them, in jest, of course, that the dozer operator who made this road must have been either drunk, or chasing a snake, or both.
As Cory negotiated the curvy road, he took the curves a little fast, and the casket slid from one side of the truck bed to the other. Joey was getting concerned. “Be careful on these curves, Cory. We don’t want to ding up Dad’s casket!”
“The handles on the sides keep it from hitting anything. Trust me! I’m the son of an undertaker. I know these things.”
The steepest hill on the rout lay before them. Cory got up some speed to make the hill, knowing that there was a hair-pin turn at the top of the hill. They braced for the sharp turn, and again the casket banged against the side of the bed.
“Whoa! Enough of that, Cory! Pull over and let me put something on each side of the casket, to pad it from the sides.”
“Hey, you were the one complaining about us not getting back in time.”
Joey jumped out to see about the casket, and returned a couple of seconds later with a shocking report.
“He’s gone! The casket and all is gone!”
“Can’t be!” Cory said. “We just heard it bang the sides.”
“Then it just fell out!”
“How did it fall out? That’s what I want to know!” All three of them went to inspect the back of the truck. In the moonlight, they saw the answer to that.
“Calvin, you forgot to close the tailgate!”
“I did not! I remember closing the tailgate!”
“Well, it’s open now!”
“It don’t matter, guys! Let’s just go back and get him!”
“Don’t back up! You might run over him!”
“I’ll get my flashlight.”
With the flashlight, they ran back toward the sharp curve, where they were sure to see the casket lying on the side of the road damaged, and Chris shaken up. They even joked about how funny that must have looked, to see the casket sliding out of the truck. There was certain to be damage to the casket, and they hoped that Chris was okay. But when they got to the curve, they saw nothing.
“Where did he go?”
“He’s got to be right here! We heard the casket bang against the side of the truck, as we turned sharp. He’s got to be here somewhere!”
“Come look at this!” Calvin said. On the very sharpest part of the curve, where the road topped the crest of the ridge, there was fresh dirt sprayed over the grass. The arrival of the flashlight told the whole story.
“Look, the end of the casket hit the ground right here, and slid over the grass, and over the hill! He’s on the other side of the hill!” They stepped over the hump and shined the flashlight down the steep hillside, but still saw nothing.
“Where did he go?”
“See the grass and leaves flattened out? He obviously slid down the hill! Come on, let’s find him!”
“You guys go on. I left the truck running in the middle of the road. I’ll go pull it back to here and park it, then I’ll help you get the casket back up the hill.”
“He couldn’t have gone too far.” Joey said to Calvin, as they followed the flattened foliage down the steep hill. “He had to have hit a tree somewhere along the way.”
“Yeah, and it probably destroyed the casket
! Dad’s going to kill us!”
“Let’s not think about that right now. We gotta’ make sure Chris is okay.”
“Look! See where he side-swiped that tree! There’s a piece of trim off the casket.”
“Save it. Maybe we can super-glue it back on.”
“There’s another piece!”
“Save them all.”
“And there’s another piece! I got a feeling there ain’t going to be enough to put back together!”
“Just save them! We’ll figure that out later. CHRIS! CAN YOU HEAR ME!”
“The slide marks keep going down the hill!”
“I can’t believe he slid this far down the hill without catching on something!”
“Chris might be dead!”
“Don’t say that! Just keep walking! He’s got to be down here somewhere!”
“I bet that casket was moving on, by the time it got this far!”
“You know it was!” The boys looked at one another, and burst out laughing. “You know this is going to be one of the funniest things that Chris has ever done!”
“He’ll never be able to live it down!”
“Yeah, we’ll be laughing about this for years, if it didn’t kill him!”
“Look, more pieces of trim.”
“Yeah, and see here? Bronze colored paint on the side of this rock. The casket is going to be totally destroyed by the time we catch up with it!”
“That will be ass whupping number one, with many more to follow.”
The trees were getting thicker, the farther down in the valley they went, and still no casket, but a clear path told them that it had been here. It had bounced off the sides of trees and rocks for what seemed like a quarter mile, before they got to the river valley, where the hillside sloped right down to the river itself. The two boys stopped on the river bank.
“Oh my God! He went into the river and drowned! See the fresh dirt, where he hit the bank?”
“And went right into the river! Yeah, he had to go into the river. Ain’t nowhere else he could’a gone!”
“Did he sink?” Calvin asked.
“I’m looking! The water ain’t deep here. See? Nothing on the bottom. If he didn’t sink, then he had to have floated! See anything down-stream?”
