There was a lightness in the air during the ceremony, something Jesska thought she’d never experience again. Guilt welled up within seconds, and she stamped down her brief bit of levity. She was alive. He was dead. She had no right to be happy, even if it was for a second.
She shut herself down during the tribute, shut down even further when they called Seth’s name and his father accepted his diploma on his behalf. She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stay focused enough to hear her name. She felt a tap on her shoulder and then Amanda nudged her forward when her name sounded.
“Jesska Shane,” the principal said again.
Jesska lifted the ring attached to the chain around her neck and kissed it. “I love you, Sethykins,” she whispered as she walked on stage, took her diploma, and shook the principal’s hand. She heard her family hooting over the crowd, but she refused to allow herself to feel their joy. She forced a smile and headed to the opposite side of the stage.
This is for you, Seth. Everything I do from now on will be for you.
* * *
The day she and Seth were scheduled to go to Paris arrived with a rare summer rainstorm. Jesska couldn’t get out of bed. Her sadness so overwhelming, she could barely open her eyes. Her parents had been arguing for close to a week about “what to do with Jesska,” and at this point, she didn’t care if she never opened her eyes again, she just wanted out of her life.
Feeling overwhelming guilt, she slid out of bed and walked on aching legs to her bathroom. She hadn’t realized just how much inactivity caused pain in a person’s extremities. She opened her medicine cabinet and swore.
“Where the hell are you?” she grumbled as she went through every drawer, every cabinet, every crevice she could think of without luck. She sat on the toilet lid and dropped her face in her hands. Her parents had found it... damn it!
She gasped quietly. They’d found it. She had two more in her purse. She rushed to her bedroom and dumped the contents of her bag on her bed. The little blue box containing her relief landed on the duvet and fell upright like her saving grace. It had once held an engagement ring; now it held the peace she so desperately craved. She grabbed for it and locked her bedroom door before rushing back to her bathroom. Prying open the box, she carefully pulled out the razor blade and held it between her teeth. She had several wounds already healing on her arms and legs, evidence of her ongoing punishment. She deserved this. She was the reason Seth was dead. She’d killed the love of her life. If she’d just kept her mouth shut, he wouldn’t have tried to defend her honor. For now, she should hurt physically as much as she hurt emotionally.
Sliding her pajamas and undies off, she settled herself in the tub in an effort not to get blood on the tile, and set her foot on the spout. With a deep breath, she ran the blade down her inner thigh, whimpering at the pain, but soon feeling the emotional high and relief as it covered her.
I’m so sorry, Sethykins.
She closed her eyes and slipped into bliss.
A scream pulled her from her haze, and she blinked open her eyes to find her mother pressing on her leg. “Ow. Mom, what are you doing?”
“Goddammit, Jesska,” her mom hissed.
“Stop!” she snapped.
“I thought you found them all, Chip!” her mother bellowed.
“I thought I did too,” her father said as he walked into the bathroom.
“Dad, get out! I’m naked.”
“You should have thought about that when you tried to kill yourself,” he snapped.
Jesska glanced down at the tub streaked with blood and her mother holding a towel against her leg, the cotton now soaked red. She shivered, suddenly freezing. “What’s going on?”
“I need another towel,” her mother said.
“She’s in here,” Jesska heard Megan say. She tried to stand when two paramedics pushed into the bathroom.
“What’s going on?” Jesska screamed.
“You’re going to the hospital,” her mother said as she tried to keep the towel on Jesska’s leg.
“No! I’m fine. I don’t need to go to the hospital. I just need you to leave me alone.”
“Ma’am, if you’ll give us some space,” the young woman said, “I’ll take over putting pressure on her wound.”
“I’m fine.” Jesska couldn’t stand, partly from the blood in the tub making everything slippery and partly because her legs were shaking so bad, they couldn’t hold her weight.
The older man took her wrist to check her pulse, but she yanked it from him. “No! Go away,” she screamed. “Get away from me.”
“Ma’am, if she’s eighteen, we can’t force her to do anything,” he said.
“She’s not eighteen for two days,” her mother said. “I want her to get help. Whatever you need to do.”
“Shut up, Mom!” Jesska screamed. “Leave me alone!”
She screamed one more time as the needle went into her arm, and then there was nothing but black.
* * *
Jesska smacked her lips together, her mouth uncomfortably dry as she forced herself to open her eyes. Her head pounded, but when she moved to rub her temples, she realized she was stuck. Raising her head, she found her arms and legs in restraints.
“What the hell?” she grumbled, trying to make sense of her surroundings. A hospital maybe? “Hello? Help! Can someone help me?” she yelled. No one came, so she continued to call out.
A nurse walked into her room and gave her a gentle smile. “Hi there, hon. How are you feeling?”
“Why am I tied up? Where am I?”
The nurse checked her pulse. “You must be confused, huh? You’re in the hospital. Your parents have you on a seventy-two-hour hold. A doctor will be in to speak with you shortly. Is there anything I can get you?”
“Well, I’m dying of thirst, and I have to pee.”
“I’ll get you some water and a bed pan.”
“What? You can’t be serious. Why can’t I use the bathroom?”
“Because you tried to kill yourself.”
“No. I didn’t,” she insisted. “I just cut a little too deep.”
The nurse smiled again... that condescending, calm-the-beast smile. “Well, that cut nearly killed you, sweetie, so until the doctor can speak with you, I have to keep the restraints on. Are you hungry? I can bring you some pudding if you like.”
Jesska shook her head, tears slipping down her face. She wanted to rage. She wanted to tell the nurse where she could shove her pudding, but this woman was part of the key to the outside, and she wasn’t going to jeopardize her release.
The nurse patted her arm. “I’ll be right back.”
Jesska stared at the ceiling. The tiles evenly placed except one. The one wonky tile drew her attention mostly because it had a weird little yellow stain and it annoyed the shit out of her. Within minutes the nurse returned with a tray, followed by an older man in a white coat. Doctor, or loony bin attendant? She wasn’t sure.
The nurse raised Jesska’s bed so she was sitting up and then helped her with the straw so she could drink. Water had never tasted so good.
“I’m Dr. North,” the older man said. “I thought we could talk a bit and see how you’re feeling.”
“Is today Wednesday?”
“Tuesday,” he said.
“So, if tomorrow’s Wednesday, then you can only keep me here today, right?”
The doctor checked her chart. “That’s correct. You turn eighteen tomorrow.”
Jesska squeezed her eyes shut. “Get the paperwork ready, Doc, ’cause I’m out of here at midnight.”
“Unless I deem you’re a danger to yourself or others.”
“I’m good. No desire to hurt myself or anyone else.” That you’ll hear about, anyway.
“Well, let’s just have a chat and we’ll see how you’re feeling, okay?” The doctor pulled up a chair and typed something into the computer. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“I didn’t,” she stressed. The doctor raised an eyebrow
and Jesska took a deep breath. “I really didn’t. I just cut a little too deep.”
“And why do you cut yourself?”
“You’re the shrink.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “You tell me.”
“This won’t work if you don’t tell me how you feel,” he pointed out.
“My fiancé was murdered in front of me. Yesterday we were supposed to go to Paris. I feel a shit ton of guilt. I’d imagine that’s why I cut myself.”
The doctor smiled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
Jesska sighed and suffered through the next hour of probing questions. Her one saving grace was that the doctor ordered her restraints removed and she was able to take care of her own personal business and feed herself when it was time for dinner. She checked herself out the next morning, against medical advice, and then headed home. After packing a bag, she left her parents’ home and checked into a hotel, using money from a trust fund she received from her grandmother. She had enough money to look for and set herself up in her own place. She vowed never to return to her parents’ home and didn’t even look back as she drove away.
Present Day
JESSKA HEARD THE doorbell peal through her little duplex and, after checking the peephole, pulled open the door. “Well, hi there, Winky.”
Amanda giggled. “You can’t call me that anymore, you know.”
“You might have married Marc Miller, but you’ll always be my Winky.” Jesska grinned. “Come in. Where’s Kiana?”
Amanda’s four-year-old was the cutest, and busiest, little girl on the planet.
“She’s with Marc. Daddy-daughter bonding time,” Amanda said, and took off her coat before holding up a bottle of Jesska’s favorite wine. “I thought you and I could drink a little and find out who Manny sends home this week.”
“You know I love it when you just pop over,” Jesska droned.
“No, I know you hate it, but since you’ve been dodging my phone calls for almost a week now, I figured desperate measures and all that.”
“I haven’t been dodging you.”
Amanda pointed at her. “So, you have no idea what today is.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re wearing his sweatshirt, babe.”
Today was the tenth anniversary of Seth’s death, and Jesska had been inconsolable most of the day, as she was every anniversary. Her friends and family knew to leave her alone... except for Amanda, who inserted herself whenever possible.
Jesska huffed. “Fine. Okay. I’d hoped to be by myself, but if you insist on joining my pity party, you better get comfortable. You’re just lucky you brought the wine—you’d never have gotten in without it.”
Amanda handed her the bottle. “It’s Bachelor night. We can watch it together in real time.”
“I was thinking I might just watch it, drink some wine, and take a bath.”
“Yeah, your obsession with tubby time’s a little weird.”
“You’re just jealous.”
Amanda sighed. “You’re right. I never have time to relax like that anymore. Plus, I don’t have a kickass claw-foot tub at my disposal.”
Jesska laughed. “Is it weird I chose my house based on the tub?”
“Oh, babe, you surpassed weird about a lot of different things a while ago.” Amanda grinned, flopping onto the couch. “Come on. Which lady will it be this week, hmm? Enquiring minds want to know.”
“I think ‘lady’ is generous. Especially when talking about that Rosa chick.”
“Yes, probably.” Amanda giggled. “Got ice cream?”
“Do I have ice cream?” Jesska snorted. “This ain’t my first rodeo.”
Amanda cued up The Bachelor while Jesska prepared bowls of ice cream and poured wine. Manuel Garcia was the new bachelor and the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. He was the Latino dream, with his chiseled body and beautiful face, complete with dimples that Amanda and Jesska were convinced he used as weapons. Manny was the most popular bachelor in six seasons, and the women were horrible. All but a couple of them, anyway.
By the time the show ended, and Jesska and Amanda had discussed Manny’s date with Alana, one of the ladies both Jesska and Amanda liked, they’d gone through an entire carton of ice cream and a bottle and a half of wine. Jesska had even broken down and grabbed a box of tissues.
“I should have had that,” Jesska complained.
“The chance to vie for a guy’s love and devotion against twenty-four other psycho women?”
“I’m not psycho.”
“Oh, right, sorry. Twenty-four psycho women and you.”
Jesska snorted. “Do not tell me you didn’t think Alana’s date was über romantic. Manny was adorable. And Seth did stuff like that all the time. I should have had that.”
“I know, buddy,” Amanda agreed. “But maybe there’s someone else out there for you. Maybe God has a bigger plan.”
Jesska bit back an insult. It wasn’t Amanda’s fault she still believed in some old man in the sky who liked to devastate young women by killing off the people they loved. It also didn’t matter that even though Amanda had graduated with a degree in rocket science and had just quit her job at NASA, Jesska always thought she was very, very pretty, but lacked a little in the brains department. She was far too loving and trusting to be a genius. But outside of Amanda’s paltry street smarts and her religious views, Jesska adored her.
“I see you’re trying to reconcile my looks with my brains again.”
“Don’t talk to me like you know me,” Jesska retorted.
Amanda laughed as she checked her phone. “Marc’s wondering what time I’m going to be home.”
Jesska smiled. “How much have you had to drink? I’m not sure you should drive.”
“I had two glasses, lady. You drank the rest.”
“Shut up.”
“Serious.” Amanda rose to her feet and stretched.
“So you’re okay to drive?”
“I’m great to drive. My directive has been achieved.”
“Which was?”
“Keeping you distracted for a few hours.”
Jesska sighed, realizing she felt quite a bit better after girl time and a good cry. “Again, Winky, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me like you know me.”
Amanda laughed. “Too late. Will you go straight to bed, or do you need me to stay and sing you a wuwwaby until you fall asweep?”
“Suck it, Winky,” Jesska joked as she rose to her feet. “I wish I could say you’re annoyingly mommy-ish now that you’re actually a mom, but that trait started long ago.”
“Guilty.” Amanda grabbed her purse and coat. “Oh, would you be able to watch Kiana on Wednesday night?”
“Totally. It’s my turn to drive for the carpool, so I can pick her up after I drop off Betty, if you like.”
“You’re a life saver!” Amanda exclaimed. “Marc and I need a date night and he has tickets to a movie preview.”
“Ooh, fun. Which one?”
“Okay, don’t laugh.”
Jesska laughed.
Amanda raised an eyebrow. “I said don’t laugh.”
“Which makes me want to do it all the more.”
“That’s true. My bad,” Amanda conceded. “Anyway, his high school buddy did this documentary on Portland and its history, and he’s premiering it for family and a couple of close friends. Marc was invited.”
“That’s actually really cool,” Jesska said.
“I hope so. If it sucks, Marc and I’ll just make out in the back row.” Amanda grinned. “Anyway, thanks again. I’ll text you when I get home.”
“Sounds good.”
“You good?”
“Yep.”
“No cutting,” she begged.
“No, babe, I’m good.” I hugged her.
It had been three weeks since she’d self-harmed and felt pretty good about that milestone.
“Hey, thanks, Winky. Seriously.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, to
o.” Jesska hugged Amanda again and watched her walk to her car before closing and locking the door. She was exceedingly grateful to her best friend as she fell asleep relatively quickly.
* * *
Thursday morning Jesska sat in her boss’s office and went over the proxy filings in front of her. An executive assistant for a high-powered human resources benefits guru, she was still trying to figure out what she wanted out of life. For now, however, she sat staring at the verbiage only people far smarter than she understood swimming before her.
Or it could be that babysitting her surrogate niece had worn her out. Kiana loved coming to Auntie Jess’s house, and made Amanda pack a small suitcase with all manner of outfits for them to play dress-up. Jesska was convinced Kiana would one day be a writer... her storytelling unmatched by most adults.
For now, however, Jesska was required to pull the relevant information from the documents for her boss by noon, and her eyes were starting to cross with the tedium of it all. She hated her job most days, but she lived with it because she needed the money. And, if she was being honest, she pretty much hated her life as well. Why should her job be any different?
“Aha,” she breathed, locating the company information she needed. Maybe she was starting to understand some of this gibberish after all. She highlighted her findings, made a neat pile for her boss to go through, and headed back to her own desk.
“Hey, Jess.” Her coworker, Betty, peeked over the partition. “Ready for lunch?”
Jesska nodded. “Yep. Just let me check my e-mail, and then I’ll be all set.”
Betty sat back down at her desk and Jesska opened her e-mail just as her phone rang. Without taking her eyes from the screen, she answered it. “This is Jess.”
“Ah, Jessie Shane?”
Only Megan called her “Jessie.”
“Yes, this is Jessie.” She took a second to check the caller ID, but it didn’t give any helpful information.
An older woman’s voice said, “Miss Shane, your sister and niece have been in a motor vehicle accident, and you’re in her phone as an emergency contact.”
“What happened? Are they okay?” Jesska stood and grabbed her purse.
Bound by Tears (Cauld Ane Series, #6) Page 3
