by Maxene Novak
My thoughts of Nikolas being a dunce were cut off when I saw Sidney at one of her own tables, waiting for me. My easy smile disappeared upon seeing her. She looked thin and tired. She hadn't bothered with makeup, which when we were together had been a staple. She'd never leave the condo without it.
"Hey, Julian," she said, a small smile on her face. Now that I was sitting across from her, I could easily see she had large purple bags under her eyes. She wasn't taking care of herself, even though it had been two months. Poor thing.
"Hey, Sidney." I grabbed a menu. "How have you been?"
"I'm doing okay. The restaurant's doing well."
"That's good. I'm glad things are going your way." I tried to focus on the menu and avoid her stare boring holes into me. Her hand had reached across the table, but I didn't want to give her the wrong idea of why I came here today. After a little bit, she slowly took her hand back, letting it thud into her own lap. "I think I'm going to have the baked chicken and asparagus. You?" I looked up from my menu, attempting to be friendly, but she was looking at me, not even bothering with the food.
"Julian..." She fidgeted with her fingernails, rubbing at them nervously. Oh no, I didn't want to have this conversation with her again. I should've known better that we could never be friends and she would try this. "I want to try again." She finally forced it out, but it didn't make me hate it any less. I sighed, running a hand through my wavy blonde hair.
"Sidney, we've been through this." I fell back in my chair, resigned. "I'm never going to stop being interested in both men and women. It's not going to work." She acted as if I'd just bitch-slapped her, shrinking back into her chair away from me.
"Julian, I ..." She couldn't finish her words. I watched her anger and confusion grow, trying to reason with her. It broke my heart that she couldn't come to grips with this side of me. "I can learn to live with it. I can figure it out," she pleaded.
"I don't want you to live with it. I'm not fucking crippled, Sidney. I want you to accept it. It's who I am." She would never change, but god, I missed her. She was so easy to live with, she was straightforward and honest. I never had to sit and wonder what the hell was going on when I was with her.
"I miss you, Julian," she murmured, looking at her hands. Her fingers were interlocking with each other and I saw her cheeks wetted. My heart twisted watching her fall apart like this.
"I miss you too," I whispered, fighting the urge to hold her hand.
"Then why can't we try again?" She looked up at me resentfully.
"I told you, Sidney. It's not that simple."
"I love you, Julian." My face contorted, crestfallen. I didn't want to hurt her anymore, but she would never get past who I was at my core. I had to tell her about Nik and Cece. I didn't know what they meant to me, but I was with them, and that gave Sidney no hope if she wasn't on board with my orientation.
"I'm seeing some people." She snapped her mouth shut, her eyes widening in disbelief. "I'm seeing a man ... and a woman." I said it quietly, trying to ease the pain for her, but there was no way around it. I studied her, heartbroken that she was hurting like this. I wanted to hold her and make it better, but that needed to go both ways.
"Oh," was all she said in response. She looked at me, holding back tears. Her hands gripped the table while her lip quivered. I was about to apologize when she stopped me. "It doesn't matter. I still love you. Even if you're with men and it tears me apart, I'll still love you." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, but I could hear her louder than ever. What was she saying to me? Was she just being like this so that I would hear whatever I wanted to get back together with her?
"I've gotta go, Sidney. I've got work to do." I pushed myself away from the table hastily, just wanting to leave. I wanted to see Cece, badly.
"Wait, Julian," she called behind me, but I ignored her and got out of there as quickly as I could, stepping swiftly. I wanted to talk to Cece, hear her voice and listen to her, forget about my own shit. But I knew she was dealing with her own crap right now; there was no point when clearly Nik had done something to set her off.
I decided that I should text Nik. He could take my mind off things, and maybe he was what could bring Cece back to us. I wanted her in my life; I didn't care if that meant she was attached to Nik more than me. I found his number and sent him a flirty message. He didn't respond to me right away, but I didn't have to wait long. Of course he was being an ass, but I found that an attractive quality about him. His air of arrogance worked for him, especially in those suits.
I spent the rest of my walk back to work texting with him, trying to make him realize he needed to find Cece and apologize for whatever he did. He was so competitive that I didn't know if he'd believe me or not. I guess I wouldn't know until later today or tomorrow. When Nikolas texted me again, I thought my eyes would roll to the back of my head. He was so oblivious to Cece's feelings for him, he only saw sex. I sent him one final painfully clear message and then stuffed my phone into my pocket.
Everything was getting messy now; I felt confused about feeling good. When Sidney and I had first split, I just wanted to mess around and have fun. Cece was so damn sexy and perfect, I'd do anything to get in between her legs. Nikolas was so sculpted and full of muscles. Rough, kinky sex was all I thought about when it came to those two. Even now I felt my body stirring, thinking about them. I'd waited patiently to get inside both of them, but now … now it was all messed up.
The rest of my workday was monotonous and I put all my effort into it, blocking out Sidney and Nikolas. I only allowed myself to think about Cece and her sweet ass. Taking it back to her body made thinking about her easy again. I lounged in my work chair, taking a break, and pictured her in front of me. She was bent over one of my chairs on the other side of the desk, completely naked, resting her perfect tits on the back of the chair. Her long legs spread out, leaving enough room for me in between her. I could picture her long blonde waves bound in a tight bun, a few strands falling onto the nape of her neck.
I thought about fitting in between her legs and sliding inside her. Hearing her let out a soft moan when I started circling around her clit and gingerly flicking her nipples to heighten her arousal. Shit, I was rock hard in the middle of work; thank god I had a private office and my door was closed. I needed to get my head on straight and go home for the day. I kind of wanted to text Nik and see how it went, but if he was in the middle of banging Cece, then I didn't want to interrupt and cause them more problems.
When I entered my apartment, I was unsettled by how quiet it suddenly felt. After these past few nights with Nik and Cece, it felt empty in here. It was driving me crazy, so I flicked on the T.V. to some catty reality show. The noises of high-pitched voices relaxed me. I needed that background noise to get it together.
I checked my phone again, feeling the desperation in me. God, I was not keeping my cool in this mess of a love triangle. When Cece still didn't text me, I thought, fuck it, and messaged her. If Nik still hadn't done anything about her by now, his loss. I wanted her to be okay so the three of us could be okay.
Hey sweetie. Feeling better?
Julian. I'm really sorry I've been weird. Can I call you? My chest thumped erratically then. I felt so special then, and giddy to hear her voice.
Anytime. I didn't have to wait long before my cell started going off in my hand.
"Cece." I breathed easily into the phone. My mood was already lightening. "How are you?"
"Hey, Julian. I'm okay. I've just been scatterbrained about my work lately."
"Lay it on me." I felt like a goof, smiling to myself hearing her voice. It suddenly reminded me of Sidney.
"Well, actually. It's about the three of us. It's been gnawing at me these past few days. I … I come with a lot of baggage." I shunned thoughts of Sidney, focusing on what Cece was saying.
"Cece, girl, we fucked like monkeys earlier this week. I can't stop thinking about you. I'd be concerned if none of us had baggage." She exhaled on the other en
d, relieved. It tugged at me how insecure she was, like she didn't think we wanted to stick around for her. I shook my head, thinking that she was crazy if she actually thought that.
"Is it okay if I'm not ready to bring it up totally, yet? I still wanted to let you know that I'm not just some crazy chick with a kink." She was gushing.
"Sweetie. We're good." I wanted to see her now. Hearing her voice had initially helped, but hearing her trying to open up to me made me want her more. "Would you want to come over? I've got some pretty baggy sweatpants with your name on them," I purred into the phone, trying to entice her. "Not actually your name, but they do say 'juicy.' They're some of my favorite oldies that I just couldn't let go of." She laughed on the other end of the phone, thawing finally.
"I wish I could, but, um, I'm actually going to head out to see Ame for drinks tonight." My spine prickled, hearing the reluctance. I got the sensation that she wasn't going to see Ame. She was lying to me, and hiding the fact that she was seeing Nikolas.
"You girls have fun, then. Let me know if you wanna play later tonight." I still threw the option out there, half hoping she'd take me up on my offer.
"'Night, Julian." She didn't hang up yet. "Thanks for understanding. I appreciate it."
"Maybe you'll pay me back later. 'Night, Cece." I tossed the phone on the couch, disgusted by it suddenly. Nikolas was a dickhead, seducing her and pulling her away from me. My phone buzzed again, and this time I angrily picked it up to look at it.
It was a text from Sidney. I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. Jesus, could this day get any worse? I was feeling pretty pissed off when I opened her message.
I'm sorry if I hurt you today :)I meant what I said.I didn't know how to respond to her without hurting either of us further.Give us a chance :)
I need time to think Sidney.
Okay. Luv u xx
I let my hand slump to the couch, my cell sliding onto a cushion. What the fuck was happening with this day? My head was killing me trying to think of it all. I felt tense, confused, and jealous. Suddenly, I could relate to Nik's need for sex as a release. Everything was getting complicated fast.
Chapter 13
I could only think of two reasons why Nikolas would know where I actually lived. One, he was secretly a serial killer and was stalking me. Or two, he had no sense of boundaries and had vetted me before I let him screw me.
"What do you want?" I said harshly, not wanting him in my apartment. I'd purposefully taken them to my studio to protect myself in case shit hit the fan. It was making me uneasy to see him here in front of me where I spent my private time. Only Ame, Iris, and Lorens had ever seen this place. I felt my chest tighten, thinking of Lorens. I hadn't heard from him in a while. I missed him and Jonathon.
"I came to see you, I thought that might be obvious." He was trying to goad me.
"Why did you come here?" I didn't have the same amount of spite in my voice this time. I was nervous with him being here; had he already decided to end things between the three of us? Was sharing me that impossible? Or was he just that bored with me by now?
"Cecelia, you haven't called me. I waited for you. I'm not a patient man and I couldn't wait any longer." He took a step forward and I took a step back. I wanted to keep my distance, believing he was going to end things. "Dammit, don't hate me. I'm no good at feelings, but I didn't want to drive you away from me."
"If you can't handle the three of us being together, then why did you agree in the first place?" I was indignant; I wanted him to leave before he could end things with us.
"Why the hell are you pushing me away? I'm trying to fix things." His normally vacant expression was now lined with anxiety and desperation. He looked human in front of me right now, not a sex god like I'd built him up to be. He was being honest, trying to make things work.
"Sorry," I hesitated, not sure if I should tell him.
"What is it, Cecelia?" he prodded. He took a step forward again, this time I let him come closer to me. I was feeling insecure and wanted his touch. "I'm trying. Talk to me." His voice was so soft, it made me feel safe with him. I had to tell him the truth, I couldn't lie to him when he was trying so hard for me.
"This isn't the first time I've been in a relationship like this before." Nikolas looked thoughtful, listening to me. "It happened when I first came to New York. I was 18 then, full of ideas that I would be some sort of savant artist, make it big right away." I shook my head, remembering it all. "Well, I found out quickly that I was an idiot. I found a Craigslist ad that someone was looking for a roommate, then I met Ame. She was one of the only good things I had going for me back then." I looked down at my hands, feeling the tears welling up. Nikolas took my hands in his own, warming them.
"I'm here. You can tell me." He was so reassuring then. I leaned against him, letting him share my burden.
"I don't know who my father is, if he's even still alive. My mother raised me on her own, but she had her own problems. One night she drank too much and crashed her car while driving home. She died that night and I became an orphan." Nikolas' hand squeezed mine painfully tight, but he said nothing. "I moved in with my grandmother then. She did her best to raise me, and that's when I fell into painting. It was a safe haven for me; I loved it. It's what drew me to the city." I paused for a moment, letting Nikolas' fingers trail up and down my back peacefully, massaging me.
"That's very sad," he offered, holding me in his arms. He was quiet, but he seemed like he genuinely wanted to know about it all.
"Thanks, Nikolas." He leaned down and kissed me on the lips then, slowly and softly. He just barely brushed against me, but he lingered.
"Continue," he whispered into my ear. I took a deep breath.
"I was waitressing at a lounge when I met David." I swallowed painfully hard, suppressing my emotions. "I fell in love with him right away; I didn't know any better. I thought he loved me too, I was happy. He said he wanted to take care of me, and he helped me out a lot. I don't know if I could've survived before Iris found me otherwise. I would've done anything for David, and I even told him that. That was when he introduced me to Joseph, his fuck buddy at the time. David wanted the three of us to be together, to basically live together and fuck." Nikolas sucked in a sharp breath, causing me to look up at him. His features were steeling, refusing to show any other emotion. I had to get the rest of it out before I lost the will.
"At first I was against it, but David begged me to do it for him. Joseph seemed to only be interested in David, but when David snapped his fingers, Joseph turned his affections on me. It was hard to resist two men nearly worshiping me like they did. After about a month of it, I was hooked. I loved David, and I loved Joseph. I was so happy to be around the two of them, having them each adore me. I spent nearly all of my time at an apartment that David got for the three of us. I barely saw Ame, and she worried about me, but I insisted everything was fine so she didn't think to ask twice. I drank a lot and partied a lot, but I always came back home to them. David and Joseph became a need for me, something I couldn't live without. I talked about us getting a house together, leaving New York." My voice trailed off and I realized that I was crying, tears rolling steadily down my face. I touched my cheek, bemused by them. Nikolas took my hand from my cheek and pressed it to his face, rubbing at it gently. His other hand caressed my cheek and wiped the tears away. After all these years, David still had that power over me. He was the first man I ever loved, and he'd broken me so wholly.
"You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to." Nikolas' voice was gruff as he kissed the top of my head, bringing me in close to him. I hadn't noticed, but at some point we'd ended up curled on the bed. I shook my head, determined. I wanted Nikolas to know everything. I wanted to be open with him so he would be open with me.
"No, it's okay. I want you to know." He looked down at me, his face betraying him for a moment. His eyes widened hearing my words, but then he quickly recovered.
"Alright." He hushed.
/>
"Not long after that, David began pulling away from me, not coming by the apartment as much, keeping his visits short and not spending time together like we used to. It felt like withdrawal. Like I couldn't wake up from a sleep that had gone on too long. I finally confronted him, confused and hurt. He was pulling away even more, but I couldn't let the issue go. I pushed him too far to talk to me, thinking I'd done something wrong. David finally snapped, telling me he was married with children. He didn't want to be with me anymore, he wasn't going to move into a house with me and Joseph. He was bored of being with me. He told me then that we were done and that I had 30 days to leave the apartment." I took a shaky breath, feeling Nikolas' grip on my shoulders tighten like a vise. "I went to Joseph, to try and tell him what was happening, but he seemed indifferent about it all. He said he knew that this was a thing that was just for fun. He was only in it for the sex. He told me I was a good lay, but now that David was done, there wasn't anything in it for him to stick around anymore. I fell apart. I stopped eating, stopped painting entirely. I couldn't bring myself to function. Ame spent all her time with me, when she wasn't trying to support us both. Putting me back together. I didn't touch a paintbrush for almost a year. When I finally did, Iris caught notice of me quickly. I brought Ame with me." I finished, now heaving steadily for air, fighting to keep my breathing even.
"Cecelia." Nikolas' voice was pained and I looked up at him to see his face covered in anger and anguish. He held me tightly, refusing to let go. I sat in his arms unsure what to do. I'd never told anyone that before other than Ame and Lorens, not until now. I didn't know how people reacted to that kind of information. "You've never been with anyone since?" He questioned me, his eyes suddenly blazing. I felt myself jostle in his arms automatically.
