However, sometimes…when you find yourself at this decision, it’s either vices and lies or your own fucking sanity.
I’ve been broken, shredded, yet still I loved. For a year and a half, I loved devotedly and still believed in what I loved. Still believed Lil and I would get back to where we were.
I can be broken and shredded. But I cannot remain sane, broken, shredded, and hopeless.
So I lie.
“I’ll stay, Leo. I’m here.” Her lips brush my jaw and her fingers run over my shaven head.
Later that night, I wake up and feel a sleeping, warm female body curled up to me. In my mind and in my heart, every ounce of pain that I’ve carried for so fucking long immediately dissipates.
I run my fingertips down her arms before curling mine around her waist and pushing her back against the bed. Her arms slide up around my neck as my split lips kiss and suck the skin of her neck into my mouth before grazing my teeth against it.
My mouth is behind her ear as my right hand slides down her front and into her boxers.
My girl never covers it up with panties. Fuck, I love her.
She’s so wet that she’s fucking drenched. I slide a finger deep inside her and my thumb circles her clit. Through gritted teeth, I grunt, “Fuck, Lil. I’ve wanted you for so goddamn long, baby. So fucking long.”
As soon as the word ‘Fuck’ leaves my mouth, she moans.
Then my thumb hits a clit ring.
By the time all this registers and processes through my brain, I’ve finished my sentence. And frozen in place.
“Please, please don’t stop, Leo.” Annalise wraps her legs around my forearm and rocks her hips, moving harder and faster against my palm.
“Fuck.” I slide another finger inside her and rub my thumb faster against her clit.
I’ve never played with a clit ring before. Apparently this motherfucker is a mighty helper in my favor because in less than five seconds she has my boxers around my knees and strong grip on my now semi-hard cock. Her screams are shattering the quiet apartment and her pussy is clamping down around my knuckles.
She pulls my fingers from her and she swipes her cum off then wraps her cum-soaked hand back around me.
Her cum is still hot, and fuck, it’s slick as wet silk. “Don’t pull away from me,” she whispers, looking up at me with begging eyes.
My semi-hard cock is not semi anymore. Annalise has me so hard I can hardly breathe. She also has me on my back and balls fucking deep before I can blink.
And… Fuck. You.
It feels like coming home.
The wrong home, but goddammit, it’s a home.
She rips the words from my chest. “Fucking Christ!” Her nails score my scalp before running down my neck, scraping over my shoulders, and sinking into my chest. Then the gates of Heaven open and this beautiful fucking woman rides me like she owns me. My hands grab her tits and I pull and twist her nipples between my fingers.
I sit up and slide my calves under my ass for leverage while pulling her by my hands full of her ass down harder onto my cock, sucking a nipple deep into my mouth.
The sound of her wet pussy slamming against my lap and her moans have me biting down around on her swollen nipple before groaning against it then laving the teeth marks left behind.
I move a hand from her ass to her clit and tug on her clit ring.
I’m testing the waters. Like I said… This is new for me.
Aaaaannnnd pretty fucking awesome, because that tug has her falling over the precipice. Her pussy contracts around my cock like a fucking warm, wet, tight goddamn glove.
And as much as I want to, as hard as I try…I fucking can’t.
I can’t get my release, which is absolutely fucking absurd.
I’m fucking so pissed I’m seeing red.
Shit, it’s been a year and a half!
Fuck this. And fuck her. I will, goddamn it! I will get my release.
I yank Annalise off me and throw her ass on the bed. Somewhere I hear a vague voice say not to take it out on her. On Annalise. But I don’t see anyone else in the room.
My hands circle her ankles and jerk her to the side of the bed, lifting her legs so her feet are on my shoulders. I grab her waist and slam into her over and over. When I feel her pussy start to clamp down on my cock again, something inside me snaps. I stab into her harder.
I want so badly to fuck Lil away. I want her fucking gone.
She never even loved me.
I wrap my hands around her neck, ready to kill her.
She never once loved me.
I stare into her navy eyes and watch the fear creep into them.
I cannot love what doesn’t exist.
If she’s dead, then I am free.
My grip tightens as my cum floods inside her.
I fall on top of her, roll over, and commence crying into my pillow.
Sobs rack the entire frame of my body. A shuddering whisper dislodges from my throat. “You never even fucking loved me!”
I feel delicate hands softly rubbing my back and shoulders. I feel kisses whisper across my back.
Annalise wraps her body around mine. She brushes kisses from shoulder to shoulder, raining tears along the way. Her wet mouth settles between my shoulder blades as her tears stream down my back in rivers.
She whispers in the dark against my skin, “Leo, I’ll never be her. But I swear I’ll be everything else…if you let me. I’ll be anything you need me to be, baby.”
She’s not what I need.
But I can try like hell to make her be what I need.
You can learn to love someone… It just takes time.
And I got all the time in the world.
In the last few months, I’ve done exactly what you expected me to.
Again, like I said. Fuck. You.
I’m fighting for my fucking sanity here. Vices and lies, bitches. Write that shit down.
Thankfully, I did get my ass out of trouble a couple months back with Gramps. That motherfucker was not bullshitting when he said Monday through Friday. He almost sent my ass packing back to Grands.
Which is obviously NOT good for me. At all. So I quickly learned a routine for my Vicodin. ‘Get through the day’ days and ‘Let’s get fucking numb, dammit!’ days. The latter being Friday night through Sunday.
Annalise is… Fuck, she’s perfect. Funny as hell. Smartest woman I’ve ever met. And she puts up with my shit—even though she doesn’t know my shit, if you catch my drift.
Shit. She fucking loves me. Honest to God loves me. I didn’t do a damn fucking thing to deserve it. Other than fuck her sexy little freaky ass. *Coughs* Pun intended.
A sadistic switch inside me was flipped the first time Annalise and I had sex. I don’t know how long it’s been there waiting to be flipped, and I can’t tell you if it would have ever happened had I not lost Lil. But the switch was flipped either way.
I do know that it’s sick, that it’s immoral, and that it’s fucked up. However, Annalise doesn’t judge me because of it. She loves me…even though I have become the monster I am.
It’s Friday night and Annalise has a surprise date planned out for me. I’m almost a thousand percent sure she wants to have a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting about our relationship. I mean, fuck, a guy can only dodge this bullet for so long. The fact that Annalise let me get away with it for almost six months… Well, like I said. A thousand percent sure.
Lucky for me, it’s Friday, AKA ‘Let’s get fucking numb, dammit!’ day. I’ve already taken my regular ‘get through the day’ dose of six Vicodin at noon. So instead of waiting to take four at bedtime, I chew up six more on my way home, swishing the pill chunks from my teeth with a new fifth of vodka I keep hidden under my driver’s seat.
I crank up the volume on my stereo, trying to jam to the song that’s on the station.
Until I hear the lyrics yapping about how if I love a woman, I’ll tell her that she’s really wanted. Once I hear the guy say I’ll let her hold me un
til I know how she needs to be touched, that I’ll see my unborn children in her eyes, I fucking push my cassette tape in.
Rock some damn Nate Dogg and Warren G… Regulators. Mount Up.
I polish off half the fifth of vodka before I pull into my parking spot.
Shit. Did I take my Vicodin already? I don’t remember taking it.
Usually as soon as I get in my car on Friday I pop my norm… six.
Fuck, I didn’t. I was too wrapped up in this shit I have to deal with where Annalise is concerned. AND there was that whiny-ass fucker on the radio, Bryan Adams! That pussy dude derailed my attention and I fucking forgot.
I pull the cigarette pack out of my glove compartment, kind of sense some déjà vu, but ignore it. There are way too many déjà vu moments in my life to study a random one.
I chew up six Vicodin, pulling a mouthful of vodka from my half-empty fifth.
This must be yesterday’s fifth.
Hell, it takes me less than twenty minutes to get home. I know I didn’t drink that much in twenty minutes.
Fuck it!
I walk into my apartment. Josh left the damn door wide open. “Josh? Why’s the fucking front door open, asshole?” Instantly I hear a headboard slamming against a wall coming from his side of the apartment. “I’m out!” I yell, but it does no good. Headboard rhythm never misses a beat.
I rap my knuckles on Annalise’s door before walking in.
She has her dining room table set up with plates on top of plates and a whole lotta forks and spoons around said plates. Candles—you know, the tall, skinny ones—are lined up around each other in the center of the table.
Fuck, the place smells good enough to eat.
Still haven’t seen my girl yet though. “‘Lise?”
“I’m back here, babe. Give me two seconds and I’ll be right out. I bought you a twelve-pack of Bud Light. There’re two in the freezer. I know how hot it was today,” she says from the back of the apartment. Either in her room or bathroom.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I mouth as I make my way to her freezer. Everything about this girl and how much she does for me still surprises the shit out of me.
I crack open a beer and guzzle it down before tossing into the trash and grabbing the second one from the freezer.
I should be ashamed that I let her do all this shit for me, dote on me all the time without ever doing a damn thing for her.
I should…but I’m not. I don’t ask her to do this shit. She just does it. Who am I to tell her no?
She comes out of her room in a dress that would honestly cripple a lesser man. Her beauty is fucking unparalleled. Her long, dark blond hair is in loose curls all the way down her back. Her red pouty lips in a sad little smile. Navy eyes sparkling… Sparkle.
I’m no damn poet. I do, however, know enough to say that Annalise should bring me to my knees.
Should…but has yet to do so.
“Hey, babe. What’s going on?” I lean in and brush my lips against hers. “You look beautiful. Mmm, smell good as fuck too.”
She smiles up at me, her dark blue eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Fuck! This is gonna suck.
“Thank you. I made some roasted chicken, new potatoes, and some vegetable medley. Go sit down. I’ll make you a plate.”
“‘Kay.” I kiss the top of her head lightly and make my way to the table. “So what’s all this for anyway?”
Before I can sit down, the room spins. I have to reach out and grab the table before I fall down. My hand knocks over a few candles and sends plates and silverware crashing to the floor. When I end up falling, I barely make it into the chair.
Shit. I doubled my damn dose again.
“Leo?” Annalise yells out, dropping the dish she was holding onto the counter before running to the table and putting out the candles I knocked over. She picks up the big pieces of the broken plates, tossing them in the trash. Then she grabs the broom and dustpan to clean up my mess. “How long do you plan on living this way, Leo?” Her voice cracks at the end of her barely audible question.
“This what this’s all ‘bout?” My tongue is fat and my speech is slurred even to my fucking high-as-shit self. “‘Cause I can really do without this.” My hand motions at the table and her, and I fucking knock over more goddamn candles. “Move all these! The fuck you need all these for?”
I grab the only candle standing and throw it at her.
I’m fucking pissed. Seething rage is bubbling beneath my surface. She better fucking watch her goddamn mouth. She doesn’t know who the fuck she is, asking me that dumb shit.
“You think I wanna be here? I didn’t ask for this shit, ‘Lise. I’m so fucking sick and tired of this shit!”
She has most of the mess cleaned up before she walks towards me with a paper plate of food in her hand. “I know. I know you didn’t. Will you please try and eat something for me, Leo? Please, baby.” Her worried eyes are scanning my face. I know what she’s looking for. She’s trying to gauge how much I’ve taken.
I refuse to make eye contact with her. Who the fuck does she think she is? My ma?
“Don’t call me baby. I’m not your fuckin’ kid.” I snatch the plate from her and throw it on the table before picking up the pieces of carved chicken and tossing them in my mouth.
“No, you’re not. As a matter of fact, that was one of the reasons I asked that you come over tonight. I… Well, we really need to talk. We both have secrets that run fairly deep. We’ve kept them to ourselves and I’ve been fine with that. But… I love you, Leo. And I’m ready to share my secrets with you…if you’ll listen.”
“I’m fucking here, ain’t I?” I toss some potatoes in my mouth and chew them up, glaring at her.
“Sort of…” she whispers, looking down at her hands.
I’m a split second away from telling her never mind and to just fuck off before she looks back up at me. Her tears are on the verge of spilling over her bottom lashes.
“I have a son, Leo. He’s two. He just turned two last month. I haven’t seen him in almost a year. He lives with his father and stepmother. My ex, Shelton, was ten years older than me. And I… Well, I didn’t know he was married. Not until I found out that I was pregnant with Adam. I was only eighteen. I was supposed to start the nursing program at St. Francis College that coming fall, which was only a month away when I found out I was pregnant.”
She grabs the glass of water sitting in front of her and brings it to her mouth with her trembling hand. She takes a sip before quickly setting it back on the table.
“Why are you telling me this, ‘Lise?” I’m confused. I forgot where we started this conversation. Or why we started this conversation. I can’t remember shit besides the fact that she has a kid.
I look around, confused. I’m fucking stoned out of my mind. I don’t remember how I got here. And when I look down at the plate in front of me and see that half the food is gone, I get even more confused.
“‘Lise?” I try to keep my eyes focused on her but it’s too fucking hard.
“You want to go lie down, Leo? You’ve had a hard day, baby. I think you may have taken too much again.” She walks over to me and cups my cheeks in her warm, soft hands. I lean into them, closing my eyes as she holds my head against her abdomen.
I feel so safe.
I’m home.
I’m finally fucking home.
“I love you, Lil. Love you so fucking much, baby,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her tight. Then I feel rain falling on my head. A chuckle reverberates through my chest. “It’s raining, Lil.”
Sighing, I softly rub my face against her.
“It rains a lot when I’m around you,” I hear Annalise whisper, and it confuses me again. I’m not with Annalise. She isn’t my home. I’m with Lil.
“Shhh, just be quiet. Okay, baby? When you talk, you confuse me, Lil. Shhh.”
She pulls me up and leads me somewhere. I keep my head buried in her long, long hair.
Then I’m falling back and she’s tugging my boots off. Then the rest of my clothes are pulled from my body. I roll over onto my side and tuck my head into a soft pillow. A few minutes later, I feel Lil’s soft, warm, naked body curl around my back and her head rest against my shoulder.
Just before I doze off into oblivion, I feel her body shaking and the rain starts falling down on my back again.
I want to comfort her. I fight the thick unconsciousness, but it’s too slippery, and before I can stop it, I’m under.
Under the darkness.
Under the rain.
Under the clouds of dreams about home.
Dreams of being wrapped up in nothing but Lil.
It’s Sunday morning and I’m in the kitchen looking for some fucking milk to go with the bowl of Apple Jacks I just made myself for breakfast when the phone rings. I grab it up and cradle it between my cheek and my shoulder. “Sup?”
“Hey, Leo, it’s Jason. How’s it going?” His voice is hesitant, and immediately it has my hackles rising.
“Same ol’, same ol’, dude. Why, what’s up?” I find a jug of milk, but the expiration date is questionable. I sniff it.
Ehh, it’s still good.
I pour it in my cereal bowl and sit at the table, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder.
“Nothing really. Well, maybe something. We’ll get to that in a sec though. How’s it going with you and Annalise?”
“Great. She’s fucking awesome. Now what the fuck’s up, Jason?” After only a few bites of cereal, I push the bowl away feeling nauseated. I lean back in the chair as dread settles in the pit of my stomach like a ball of lead.
“Look, Leo. Before I tell you this shit, I need you to promise me you’re gonna keep your shit together. I’m serious, dude.”
“Spit it out. Now.” Red takes over my vision and blurs it for a second. I stand up, dropping the phone to the floor, and quickly make my way to my room. I grab both packs of cigarettes and pop six pills before lighting my cigarette and hurrying to make it back to the phone.
I yank it back to my ear and hear Jason frantically asking, “Leo? Are you there? Leo!”
Holding Her in Madness Page 11
