She starts plowing through margaritas, and I wish to FUCK I weren’t an alcoholic who has over ten years of sobriety to show for it.
Somehow, after all the awkwardness of our lunch, she still lets me drive her home. She even lets me inside her house to get the measurements and place the order for her dual-side. When I know I can’t procrastinate any longer, I call Rick and fill him in on what materials are needed to get Lil her dual-side and a new wall in her bedroom.
Do you know how hard it is to fight every instinct in your fucking body and soul to not take what’s yours?
It’s really goddamn hard. And yeah, I fumble through it. I can’t call it an epic disaster, but it comes too fucking close to utterly destroying my already damned soul for my comfort.
I have Lil wrapped up so close to me. I’m so damn hard that my cock is screaming in pain. My lips are dry as fuck from my ragged breathing, but it doesn’t stop me from brushing them against her forehead.
Ninety-nine point nine percent of me has already decided that nothing matters in this world more than my need to bury my cock inside her and let my mouth taste and bite every inch of her skin.
I whisper with my lips against her forehead, “I’ll make you happy again, baby. If it’s the last thing I fucking do.”
Swear to Christ, I will never know how that point one percent yanks me out of that house and away from her, but somehow it happens.
As soon as her front door closes behind me and I’m in my truck, I vow to myself that I will never again let myself get as close as I was—hell, as close as I have ever been—to not giving a flying fuck what the woman I’m stabbing my dick into wants.
Inches, people. I was fucking inches away from not caring whether or not I raped my firecracker.
Now…it’s fucking obvious that I can’t let myself, mostly my cock, around Lil again.
Because the next time… I can’t promise that the point one percent will win.
‘Out of sight, out of mind’ has never worked for me where Lil is concerned. So I’m not surprised when it doesn’t work for me now.
She is my original drug of preference. It’s Lil who initiated my codependent behavior. She was the catalyst to my narcissistic and addictive tendencies twenty years ago.
Knowing that now doesn’t curb my need for her. If I were in a rational frame of mind, it might. But come on… When in the hell have Lil, rational thought, and I ever stood in the same room?
Right. Never.
It’s never happened.
For more than six months, my relationship with Lil only consists of texts, phone calls, and our weekly lunch dates.
I knew she wasn’t happy. Hell, any dumbass would know it just by looking at her. It’s the extent of her unhappiness that catches me off guard. Within the first few weeks, I notice how deep her depression runs.
The Goo Goo Dolls song ‘Black Balloon’—as soon as I hear it, I know that it’s my song for Lil. Every lyric I hear interprets what is left of my firecracker. I buy the CD and replay that bitch over and over.
On the day I ran into her at Home Depot, I asked her where my firecracker was at. Her response was, “She died.”
What was I supposed to do with that? Her two words rolled around in my mind for weeks until I decided that I couldn’t accept her answer.
My firecracker was not dead.
No.
Not fucking possible.
If she is dead, then I am too.
I just got her back. I’m not ready to die. That leaves only one option—I gotta bring her back to life. And once I do, I gotta do everything in my power to make her happy and keep her with me.
I go back to the original playbook, the play that won me her the first time. Pieces—I start with pieces. Only I’m not taking pieces like last time. I’m giving Lil pieces.
Pieces of my soul, my heart, my love. I give her pieces of me over a long period of time.
A week after Lil is divorced from Nicolas, I drag her to lunch with me. She doesn’t know that we aren’t going to see each other or be able to talk for a while. I got some shit I need to handle, and it may take a while.
However, I know that after lunch today, when I get everything taken care of and come back for Lil, every single thread of restraint will be untethered.
I’m fucking comin’ for her ass the second I can, and I ain’t holding back… Next time, I’m taking what is fucking mine.
I look up when I hear the bell ring above the door, and the sight of her would knock me to my knees if I weren’t already sitting in our booth.
She left her hair down the way I like it today. Her smile lights up the fucking room. She looks so damn sexy and cute at the same time.
Fuck it. I can’t stay sitting in this damn booth any longer. I’m up and meeting her halfway across bar a second later, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.
“Fucking hell, woman. Are you trying to kill me?” I whisper in Lil’s ear before leaning back to look at her from head to toe. “Damn, you look beautiful in that dress, babe.” I kiss both her cheeks before wrapping my arm around her to lead her to our booth. “Please tell me you started wearing panties in the last twenty years. No…wait, don’t. I’ll never make it through lunch if you answer that.”
The sound of her laughter makes my heart swell and break. I’ve coaxed a few smiles and a giggle or two over the last six months but not a full-out laugh. It’s beautiful, and it kills me to know that I won’t hear it again for a while.
Once we’re sitting in our booth, she looks at me across the table, her eyes still dancing with laughter. “Why in the world would knowing whether or not I’m wearing panties keep you from your lunch, Leo?”
A growl comes out right before I face-plant the table. “Shit, you are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”
I jerk my head back up when I see the waitress in my peripheral. After Lil and I make our lunch order and the waitress leaves, I look over at her. Her devious grin causes me to stare in wonder.
There she is. Fuck, I have missed you so much, firecracker.
“If I were trying to kill you, you’d know it.” Her head shakes, and when she glances down, her hair falls into her face. Our hands meet, bringing her eyes back to mine as I tuck her hair behind her ear.
“Hey, you.” I nudge her leg under the table with my knee and watch her eyes go wide.
“Hey yourself. Don’t try to get frisky with me under this table. I promise you won’t win.” Her left eyebrow lifts before she grins again. “I don’t care how good you look in that suit. I don’t play fair.”
“No fucking shit you don’t.”
Our flirting game goes on until our lunch is served.
We’re finished eating when our conversation turns to serious topics. “How is everything? I know it’s fucking hard to sever yourself from someone you share so much with, especially for so long. Plus, your daughter… God, I couldn’t imagine. You doin’ okay?”
“Who is okay?” Her blue eyes lock on mine, daring me to cross her. Then she sighs and glances down. “Sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.” She laughs, but it’s drenched in sadness. I can see the defeat on her beautiful face.
“Look at me, firecracker.” When she looks up at me, I finish tell her, “Don’t ever want to hear you apologize for being honest, ‘kay, baby?”
Lil slowly nods. “I don’t realize how jaded I am until I say shit like that.”
My firecracker isn’t sitting in front of me anymore. Lil’s doppelganger is.
“I won’t say stupid fucking clichés, and I won’t question your jaded views on life. Hell, I can’t. I’m too jaded myself. “
“And what a lovely, fucked-up, and jaded couple we would make.” I see the tears in her eyes before she looks away.
“We absolutely fucking will, babe.”
Silence settles over us, and I can tell it’s making her uneasy, so I give her an out by making some shit up after ten minutes.
“Well, my afternoon is stacked with meetings…” I stand up and to
ss some bills on the table before pulling Lil up from her seat. I wrap my arms tight around her waist then nuzzle my face against her neck and hair. “Thank you for being my lunch date, beautiful. It made my whole fucking week.” I look down into her eyes. “I’m kissing you next time I have you this close to me, firecracker…”
Her eyes flutter shut. When she opens them again, they’re clouded in lust. “Promises, promises.”
I chuckle with my mouth against her ear and feel her shudder. “I always keep my promises, baby. You know that.” I kiss her ear before I pull away from her. “I’ll see ya around, okay?”
“Okay.” She frowns when she turns to leave, and it almost causes me to stop her.
I don’t because I can’t make her happy, and I can’t make her happy until she’s mine.
It kills me as I watch her walk away in the opposite direction down the street. But there isn’t a damn thing I can do… Yet.
My plane leaves in four hours.
I pull my Lexus into Lil’s old driveway, remove my jacket, unbutton my sleeves, and roll them up my forearms. Then I take off my tie. There’s no need for ties or pleasantries for what’s about to take place.
After I’ve unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt, I step out of my car and throw my keys, cell phone, and wallet on the driver’s seat.
I stretch my arm muscles and roll my shoulders on the way to the front door.
Now before you lose your shit, just pipe the fuck down, okay? I followed Nick and watched him drop Bella off at her friend’s house. Bella had a sleepover bag, so I’m pretty confident that she won’t have to witness what the fuck I’m about to do.
I can’t say the same for the skank I watched pull in behind Nick when he got home. The same skank that I know is one of many he’s been fucking for the last six years.
I ring the doorbell, and as I wait for them to answer, I alternate between pumping my fists and running my fingers through my hair.
To say I’m pissed when they finally open the door five minutes later is an understatement. Through my reddened vision, I see the skank dressed in what I assume is Nick’s dress shirt, only one or two buttons buttoned.
Fucking slut.
Nick walks up behind her and hooks his arm around her neck before he slurs out, “Who the fuck are you?”
My laugh sounds demonic even to my own ears, so I’m not surprised when he slides his skank behind him.
“Who the fuck am I?” Another wicked laugh bubbles from me. “I’m the motherfucker you stole a life from…” I crack my neck, rotating it in a half circle. Then I crack my knuckles before flexing my fingers out,and constrict them into fists. “I’m also the motherfucker that’s here to steal it back.” My right fist connects with Nick’s left eye, immediately followed by a left uppercut landing under his chin.
I hear his teeth clack before his skank screams. Wrapping my left hand around his throat, I stop him from going down. I pummel his face with my right hand before my knee hits him in the stomach at the same time I release my hold on his throat.
He falls back into his house, landing on his back. I immediately straddle my feet on each side of him while he rolls to his left side.
Grabbing a handful of his hair, I jerk his face to mine. “Any more questions, ya little bitch?”
He coughs and tries to shake his head no but my grasp in his hair is too tight.
“That’s real fucking good,” I say, slapping the right side of his face. “Now this is where I tell you what the fuck YOU are going to do to make up for the fact that you stole my life.”
When he tries to roll away, I pull his head up and slam it back against the marble floor. “I’m almost finished here, Nicky. Sit still. Listen up. I gotta leave town for a little while, and while I’m gone, it is YOUR job to make sure Lil is more than taken care of financially. You lay a finger on her, I’ll cut every one of yours off.” I stand up, brushing my hands off, and use my toe to nudge his head. “Still with me?” He nods. “‘Kay. ‘Cause this is the important part. The part where I tell you the good news. When I get back into town, I will immediately take what has fucking ALWAYS been mine, and when I do, Lil’s finances won’t be your problem anymore. See?” I slap his face before squeezing it in my hand. “I can be a good guy.”
“You stay the fuck away from Lillian. She doesn’t have shit to do with this!” Bloody spit sprays from his lips between every word.
My laughter bounces off the walls. I bring my face an inch from his to deliver my last blow. “That’s where you’re wrong, Nicky… This has everything to do with Lil. Your concern about juggling all the sluts you’ve been fucking and making sure your daddy’s dick stays polished has clouded your fucking vision. You haven’t looked in Lil’s direction for years.”
I stand to leave; when I get to the front door, I turn back and lock eyes with him. “You stupid motherfucker. I almost feel sorry for you for falling in love with the wrong man’s firecracker. Shit, I was willing to leave it alone and let you both continue in your wedded bliss. But you fucked up, Nicky… You stopped making my girl happy.”
I walk out the front door, leaving it wide open. From the front porch, I warn him, “I wouldn’t fuck up again, Nicky. You won’t like the consequences. I can fucking promise you that.”
It takes me a little longer than I thought it would to find a solid VP. It takes even longer to get this kid trained. Don’t get me wrong. He’s sharp as a tack. I just have a hard time teaching someone shit that just always came to me naturally. I swear I had more business savvy with just my GED than this kid does with his Master’s in business. You can’t teach common sense. You just fucking can’t.
Once Scott has all my contact numbers and I feel confident enough that he knows what the hell he’s doing, I catch a flight to NYC.
Annalise and Adam are doing great. I’m fucking proud as shit of ‘Lise. She struggled for a few months, but as soon as she found a trauma E.R. nurse position, she never needed my help again.
I was hoping that ‘Lise would have found someone by now. This leg in my tying-loose-ends trip was going to be hard enough on us already.
So on the ride to her apartment from the airport, when she tells she met someone and after they had dated for almost a year he moved into her apartment, I am relieved.
Shit, I am smiling like an idiot. Happy as hell for ‘Lise… Until she tells me the guy is Josh.
“The fuck? Josh? As in my Josh? Joshie? I’m just now hearing about this? ‘Lise, it’s been a fucking year!”
“Well, he moved up here a year and a half ago. You know that. You moved him up here, Leo.”
What the hell have I done? When he asked for the position in New York, I fucking thanked him. Oh, fuck! I fucking asked him to check in on ‘Lise! How the fuck did Josh’s dumb ass end up with a brilliant, smart woman like ‘Lise? Fuck, I fucking did this shit.
After smacking my head against the dash in front of me, I look over at her. “‘Lise, I’m so sorry. This is my fault, I told him to check in on you and Adam. I didn’t know he would take it this far.”
‘Lise sputters then laughs so hard she throws her head back. When her laughing fit settles down, she wipes tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry. But that was hilarious. Leo, I love Josh. I know you see him as your kid cousin, but that’s not all of who Josh is. He is a fantastic, sweet, caring, and SMART.” Her eyes narrow on mine. “You know he’s smart or you wouldn’t have given him one of your main braches to manage.”
Damn, she’s got me there. He is the only other person I truly trust with this business, but how much of that trust is based on him being family, not him being intelligent?
“He’s also the only person who stood beside me while I stood beside you during Lil, during your coma, after Lil…” She clears her throat and continues. “And Leo, he’s so damn great with Adam. He really, really is. Adam was in a bad place. He was okay while you were here, and for the year after that, he was okay. He thought you were coming back though. Honestly, so did I, and I didn
’t have the heart to tell either of us that you weren’t.”
“Where the hell is Shelton?”
“Ha! Your guess is as good as mine. The last you and I saw him was the last time I saw him.” After a few minutes of silence, she says, “I’m almost twenty weeks pregnant.” She’s smiling so big that her teary eyes are squinting closed.
“‘Lise, babe, pull over right here. You’re smiling and crying so much you’re gonna drive us off the road, you crazy girl.”
She gets the car in park and turns in her seat to look at me. I follow suit and turn in mine too. Out of habit, I grab her hands on the console and lace our fingers together then look into her eyes and smile.
“So twenty weeks, huh?” ‘Lise nods. “I won’t snap his neck the second I walk into your apartment—”
“Oh for Christ’s sake, Leo.” She rolls her eyes and tries to pull her hands away, but I stop her.
“If!” I shout before laughing. “If you promise me he makes you happy, ‘Lise.”
She nods her head and tears flood into her eyes again. “He makes me very happy. I promise.”
“Motherfucker better.” I grin at her.
“And Lil? Did you catch your firecracker?” Her giggle makes me attempt a smile, but I can’t. Lil’s so fucking broken that I’m not sure that there is anything left to piece her back together, no matter how many pieces of myself I give her. “Oh God. Fuck, Leo, I knew she wasn’t happy when I saw her being discharged after the baby was born… But hell, none of us were.”
My eyes snap to ‘Lise’s. “What the fuck did you just say?”
Shaking her head, she responds, “No, it’s the only time I’ve seen her. You were seizing and the hospital staff kicked Josh and me out. We were outside smoking and I saw her come out of the hospital with her daughter.”
“You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter does it.” I nod towards the steering wheel. “You okay to drive?”
“What? No, it does fucking matter. What the fuck did you want me to do, Leo? Collect pictures of her so that we could flip through them every night?”
Holding Her in Madness Page 18
