Danina listened with worried eyes. She knew nothing about politics. She was normally much too busy dancing to know what went on in the world. “Do you believe that as well?” she asked solemnly. “About a revolution?” She trusted his judgment completely.
“Not for a moment,” Nikolai answered her. “I don't think there is the remotest chance of a revolution here. Russia is too powerful for something like that to happen. And so is the Czar. It's just another excuse to complain about being here. She says I'm risking the lives of our children. She's always been very influenced by her father.” He smiled at her then. She had such fresh ideas, and such an open mind. She had been exposed to so little, other than the ballet, that it was like watching her discover the world around her. A world he found he loved sharing with her. Compared to her, Marie seemed so tired, and so angry, and so bitter. Living in Russia had not improved her disposition.
Marie had been pretty once, and interested in things. They had shared a lot of common views and interests. She had been fascinated by medicine, and his career. But she resented his position in the Imperial family, and she seemed to resent a lot of things about him. But there was none of that in Danina. But then again, Marie was seventeen years older than Danina. He was thirty-nine, and his wife was three years his junior. Danina was still a baby. And she was relieved by what he had said about the revolution.
“Do you think the war will end soon?” she asked him innocently, and he smiled at her reassuringly, although the number of casualties and men lost to it thus far had been enormous. Everyone had expected it to end months ago, and to everyone's amazement, it hadn't.
“I hope so,” he said simply.
“I worry about my father and brothers,” she admitted to him.
“They'll be all right. We all will.” Talking to him made her feel so much better. He sat with her for a long time and then finally he got up to leave. She looked tired again, and he had to get home. He couldn't avoid it forever. “I'll see you tomorrow,” he promised her when he left, and she listened to his sled disappear into the darkness.
She was thinking about the things he had said about his wife, and the fact that he hadn't looked happy when he said them. He seemed to be trapped in a difficult situation, and she couldn't help wondering if there was anything he could do to improve it. Perhaps insist that his wife learn Russian, or travel back to England with her from time to time. It shocked her that she didn't seem to want to share his alliance with the Imperial family. It was hard to understand his wife's reactions. And then she found herself wondering if he was being unnecessarily gloomy about it. Maybe he was just tired, she thought to herself, as she lay in bed, thinking about him. The war was depressing everyone these days. Perhaps his comments about his wife were born of that, and other worries he hadn't mentioned.
It never occurred to her for an instant that he might want more from her, or have an interest in her other than as her doctor. He was married, after all, and he had a family. And even if he had some complaints about his wife, surely it wasn't as bad as it sounded. To Danina, looking at the world through the tiniest of telescopes, from her small world at the ballet, it all seemed very simple to her, and marriage was sacred. She was sure he was happier with Marie than he appeared or admitted.
For the next two weeks, he never mentioned his wife again when he came to visit her. She was able to dine at the table now, and on a sunny afternoon in January, he took her for a short walk in her garden. The air felt invigorating, and she was laughing with him, and teasing him about the fact that he took life so seriously. He had lent her volumes of poetry by then, and she had already read four of his favorite novels. And that afternoon when Alexei came to tea, Nikolai stayed and joined them. They played cards afterward, and Alexei won, much to his utter delight, and he squealed with glee when Danina accused him of cheating.
“I did not!” he said staunchly. “You played very badly, Danina.” He said it matter-of-factly and she pretended to look outraged.
“How dare you! I played brilliantly. I'm convinced that you cheated.” Nikolai was enjoying watching them, and the good spirits between them.
“I did not cheat, and if you accuse me of it, when I'm Czar, I will remember it and have you beheaded.”
“I don't think anyone does that anymore.” Danina turned to Nikolai. “Do they?”
“If I want to, I will,” Alexei announced, looking enchanted by the prospect. “And maybe I'll have your feet chopped off too, so you can't dance anymore, and your hands, so you can't play cards.”
“I don't think I'll be able to do any of those things if you behead me, anyway. I think that ought to do it.” Danina was smiling as she said it.
“Well, just in case, I'll chop off the rest.” The prospect, to him, was deliciously gory. And then, out of the blue, he looked at her with interest. “Can I come and watch you dance one day in St. Petersburg? When you go back, I mean. I'd really like that.”
“So would I,” she said warmly.
“But I don't want you to go back for a long time. So not too soon,” and then he remembered. “My mother said to ask you if you are well enough to come to dinner.” He turned to Nikolai then. “Is she?”
“Maybe next week. It's a little soon still.” She had only been there for two weeks, and was still somewhat unsteady on her feet, and tired quickly.
“I didn't bring anything to wear,” she lamented.
“You can wear your nightgown,” he said practically. “I'm sure no one will notice.”
“How embarrassing.” She laughed at the thought, but she really didn't have anything to wear for a dinner with the Imperial family.
“I'm sure one of the girls could lend you something,” Alexei said politely. She was roughly the same size they were.
“Will you be there?” Danina asked Nikolai innocently, hoping he would be. She was so comfortable with him, it would be easier for her if he would be. Dining with the Imperial family still sounded more than a little daunting to her.
“Probably,” he said, smiling at her. “I haven't heard anything about it yet, but if I'm on duty that night, I'll be there.” And he knew that even if they hadn't planned to include him, he could arrange it by adjusting the schedule so he would be on duty. Both physicians were pretty flexible about their schedules, and his colleague had more reason to go home at night than Nikolai, and was happy to let Nikolai work in the evenings.
Nikolai took Alexei back to the palace eventually, and Danina went to have a nap. And when she woke up, she was surprised to see Nikolai standing there in her bedroom, watching her, and he was frowning.
“Is something wrong?” She wondered if something had happened, there was a look in his eyes that worried her, but she didn't know what it meant. And he wasn't sure how to say it.
“I just wanted to check on you. I was worried that you walked too much this afternoon, considering it was your first time in the garden.”
“I'm fine,” she said, sitting up and looking at him. She was dying for some exercise, but she knew she wasn't up to it yet. It was very frustrating, and she wondered how long it would take to train herself again when she went back to the ballet. She was afraid that all of her muscles and ligaments would forget that she was a dancer. “I just slept for two hours. It was fun playing cards with Alexei.”
“He does cheat, by the way. He always beats me,” Nikolai said with a broad grin. “You had him pegged completely. And he loved it. He talked all the way home about beheading you, and how messy it would be, and how much he's going to enjoy it.”
“I'm not sure that's very imperial behavior.” She grinned at Nikolai, enjoying seeing him again, and wondering if he was on his way to dinner. She asked, and he said he was. It was his night on duty at the palace.
“I'll try and come over afterward, but it might be late, and I think you're probably tired today, after your walk in the garden.” And as he said it, the nurse brought in her tray for dinner. She was making a very good recovery. She'd had a letter from Madame Markova t
hat afternoon, who had told her not to rush back to the ballet. But she still felt incredibly guilty not to be dancing.
Madame Markova had given her all the news, and told her as well that one of the other girls had come down with influenza, but fortunately a mild case. She'd only been sick for two days and never even had a fever. She'd been far luckier than Danina.
The doctor lingered for a while, chatting with her, and then reluctantly left her for dinner at the palace. And as she sat quietly in bed, sipping her tea, she thought about him. He was a gentle man, with a warm, kind spirit, and she was grateful for his friendship. Were it not for him, and his intercession for her, she would not even have been there, in the guest cottage of the Czar, living in luxury, being pampered by servants and nurses. It was extraordinary to think how kind they had all been, and how lucky she was not only to have survived, but to be there.
He didn't come to see her again that night, and she assumed it must have been late when they finished dinner. Or perhaps Alexei wasn't well, or Nikolai had simply needed to be attentive to the family he so diligently worked for. She lay in bed reading one of the books he'd given her, and stayed up late to finish it. And she had just finished getting dressed when he appeared at the cottage the next morning, to inquire about his patient.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked solicitously, and she smiled and said she had, and gave him his book back, and told him how much she had enjoyed it. He seemed pleased to hear it, and had brought three more for her. “The Czarina was talking about you last night, she wants to give a small dinner party for you. Just a few friends from St. Petersburg, nothing too exhausting. Do you think you feel up to that yet?” he asked, looking worried about her. He had warned the Czarina it might still be too early, but Danina looked intrigued by the prospect.
“Maybe in a few more days…. What do you think, Doctor?”
“I think you're making excellent progress.” He smiled at her. “I just don't want you to exhaust yourself too early. I'll take you there myself, and the moment you're tired I'll bring you back here.”
“Thank you, Nikolai,” she said gently. They went for a walk in the garden then. It was a cold day, and the wind was stronger than it had been the day before, and he brought her back inside in a few minutes. He was still holding her hand in his own when they returned, and neither of them seemed to notice. Her cheeks were bright pink, and her eyes bright, and she looked healthier than he had seen her since she'd been there. But she was still a long, long way from being able to go back to the ballet. She had begun exercising for half an hour a day, and had told him about it. But in his mind, he couldn't envision letting her go back to dancing with the ballet until at least April. She had to be completely well and very strong, before he would even think about it. She still had long months of recuperation ahead of her, and neither of them found it a depressing prospect. She missed the people at the ballet who were like a family to her, but in a matter of weeks she already felt completely at home here. And now the prospect of the Czarina's little dinner party greatly intrigued her.
He stayed for lunch with her that day, as he often did, and left her shortly afterward to tend to his duties at the palace, and as he so frequently did, he came back later that afternoon, and again once more after dinner. It was a routine that they both felt comfortable with, and that she now expected.
And by the next day, he had given the Czarina permission to organize the dinner for Danina. Only their closest friends would be there, and a few relatives, and of course the children. The Czar was at the front again with his troops, so he wouldn't be there.
And the following week the Grand Duchesses sent over a few dresses for her, with Demidova, their mother's maid, and two of the dresses looked splendid on Danina. She was a little slighter than they were, particularly now, after her illness, but pulling the sash of one of the gowns tighter than it was on them made her favorite of the two fit perfectly. It was a blue velvet dress, which showed her figure exceptionally well, and was trimmed in sable. It had a matching cape, and hat and muff, which would allow her to travel in the utmost warmth the short distance to the palace. And the night of the party itself, Danina was so excited she could hardly bear it. She had stayed in bed all that afternoon, trying to regain her strength, and Nikolai came to the cottage for her while she was still dressing. He read one of the books of poetry he had shared with her, while he waited, and helped himself to a cup of steaming tea from the silver samovar on the table. He had become quite at home there. And at a sound from the doorway, he glanced up, still holding his tea, and smiled when he saw her. She looked exquisite in her borrowed finery. And her shining dark hair was the same color as the sable.
“You look magnificent,” he said with a look of awe. “I'm afraid you'll put everyone else to shame, even the Grand Duchesses and the Czarina.”
“I doubt that, but you're very kind to say so.” She curtsied low, as she would have done on the stage, but still felt how weak her legs were as she stood again slowly. There were no words to tell her what he felt as he looked at her. He could not imagine how this exquisite creature had come into his life, so elegant, so graceful, and so lovely. And he was as taken by her spirit as with her beauty. He had never seen, or known, anyone quite like her.
“Truly, you look beautiful, my dear. Shall we go?” he asked, and she nodded, as he helped her put the sable cape on. And she commented again on how extraordinarily generous the Grand Duchesses had been to send it.
They traveled the short distance to the palace in his sled, and he covered her carefully with a heavy blanket. It was a clear, cold night, and there were a million stars overhead. And each of them seemed reflected in the candles burning brilliantly in the windows of the palace. He took her quickly inside, and led her upstairs to a large, handsomely appointed salon all done in pale silks and brocades, with marble and malachite and treasures everywhere around them. It was a far less formal room than many others. And with a fire blazing in the grate, the candlelight, and the warm reception she received, she thought she had never felt more at home, or happier. It was like a dream just being there with the Imperial family, and Nikolai, and their friends. And Alexei glued himself to her all through dinner. He sat on one side of her, at his own request, and Nikolai sat on the other, so he could “observe her condition” more closely. But there was nothing to observe except joy that night, and the delight of their friends to meet her. Everyone found her gracious, beautiful, and charming.
They spoke to her of the ballet, and were also surprised to find her knowledgeable on many subjects. Thanks to Nikolai, in recent weeks at least, she had done a great deal of reading and learning. She seemed to absorb new information like a sponge, and remember everything he told her. And listening to her now, he was oddly proud of her, as though she were his child, or something of his creating.
He allowed her to stay for quite a while, and then finally, after eleven o'clock, when he saw her growing pale, and she seemed a trifle less animated, he decided that it was wisest to withdraw her. He said something discreetly to the Czarina, and then gently told Danina that he thought it was best for her to go home now. It had been a very exciting first evening for her. And although she had loved every minute of it, she didn't argue with him. Though she hated to admit it to him, she was exhausted, and he could see it. But she was still smiling, as she leaned her head back and looked at the stars, as they rode back to the cottage.
And as he walked her inside, he stood very close to her, and put an arm around her shoulders for just a moment. She leaned her head against him, partially out of fatigue, but more out of the ease they shared, and her gratitude for all he had done for her.
“I had a wonderful time, Nikolai … thank you for letting me go … and for arranging it for me … everyone was so kind to me, I had a lovely time,” and she mentioned one of the guests who had been very funny. “It's a shame the Czar couldn't be there.” Everyone had said they missed him. She smiled then, as she looked up at her friend. “It was a lovely party.�
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“Everyone was in love with you tonight, Danina. Count Orlovsky thought you were particularly charming.” He was well into his eighties, and had flirted with her shamelessly all evening, but even his wife thought it amusing. He had been doing precisely that and nothing more, with many beautiful women, in the sixty-five years they had been married.
“Alexei was very disappointed I wouldn't play cards with him tonight,” she said as she took off her cape. It was an odd feeling, coming home together and talking about the evening, almost as though they were married. “I didn't play cards with him,” she explained, “because I didn't want to be rude to the others.”
“You can play cards with him another time. Perhaps tomorrow, if you're both up to it. I'm afraid he will be very tired. And you?” He looked at her then with worried eyes. “How do you feel, Danina?”
Her eyes looked vibrant and alive when she answered, their brilliant blue brighter than ever. “I feel happy and wonderful, and as though I had the most beautiful evening of my life.” She stood looking at him with a small smile, as he walked slowly toward her. He still had his coat on.
“I've never known anyone like you,” he said softly, as he stood directly in front of her, looking down at her, and for that one moment, he forgot entirely who she was. She was not a prima ballerina, or even his patient. She was his friend, a woman he was dazzled by, whom he had come to love, without ever expecting something like that to happen. “You are truly extraordinary,” he said in a whisper, and then he took her breath away with his next words, as her eyes widened in amazement. “Danina … I love you. …” And without waiting for an answer from her, he bent gently toward her and kissed her. He held her in his arms, and she was startled to realize how powerful he was, and without thinking, she held him close to her and kissed him in answer. But within an instant, she had pulled away from him and was looking up at him in terror. What had they done? What would they do now? It would spoil everything if they did this.
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