That was the kind of sacrifice she expected, she wanted her to give up everything, even Nikolai, and Danina couldn't. She didn't want to. She didn't owe them that. They had no right to expect it of her. She didn't want to be one of the insane zealots who had no life other than the ballet. She could see that now. She didn't want to be Madame Markova when she was sixty, and have no other life, no children, no husband, no memories, except performances that strung out over the years, and eventually meant nothing.
She had tried to explain it to Nikolai, to tell him what they expected of her, and he hadn't believed her. This was what they wanted. Her soul, and her promise that she would end it with him. But she would not do that now, no matter what it cost her. And her anger over it made her work even harder, in class, and at the barre. She began warming up at four o'clock every morning, and stayed until ten o'clock at night, working after classes. She never ate, never stopped, never slept, never did anything but drive her body beyond its utmost limits. It was what they wanted of her, and she looked thin and drawn and exhausted two weeks later when Madame Markova called her into her office once again.
Danina couldn't imagine what she was going to say to her now. Perhaps ask her to leave that morning, but perhaps that would be a relief. She couldn't drive herself any harder, and she hadn't heard a word from Nikolai in three weeks now, and it was driving her insane. He had answered none of her letters, but suddenly she wondered if they had even been mailed. She had left them in the front hall, as she always did, with the others. But perhaps they were being singled out now for the garbage. She was wondering about it as she went to Madame Markova's office, and gave a huge start when she saw him sitting there. It was Nikolai, and he seemed to be having a pleasant conversation with Madame Markova. And when Danina entered the room, he turned to her and smiled. Just seeing him there, she felt her heart pound, and her legs go weak.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, with a look of amazement. She wondered if he had been telling the whole story to Madame Markova, but she understood instantly from the look in his eyes that he hadn't given away their secret. He understood that much, and he was quick to explain his presence to her, or the pretext he had come on, so Danina herself wouldn't make a mistake in what she said in front of Madame Markova.
“I came to see how you are doing, Miss Petros-kova, by order of the Czar himself. He wished to be reassured as to your health, since no one has heard anything from you since you left us. The Czarina was particularly worried.” He said it with a warm smile at Madame Markova, who had the grace to look a trifle awkward, and briefly turned away.
“Have you not gotten my letters? Have none of you?” Danina looked horrified as he shook his head. “I have been leaving them to be mailed, as I always do. Perhaps they're not mailing my letters.” Madame Markova was staring at her desk and said nothing.
“And your health then? You look quite pale, and much thinner than when you left us. I fear you've been working too hard, Danina. Have you? You must not overdo it so soon after being so ill.”
“She must retrain her body,” Madame Markova said sharply, “and learn discipline again. Her body has forgotten nearly everything she knew.” Danina knew as well as her mentor did that that wasn't true. But Nikolai looked worried.
“I'm sure she'll find her old strength again very soon,” he said pleasantly, “but she still must not overdo it. I'm sure you're aware of that, Madame Markova,” he said with a smile, looking very official and deeply concerned. “And now, may I spend a moment with my patient? I have a private message for her from the Czar and Czarina.” It was impossible to argue with that, and despite a look of vast displeasure from Madame Markova, Nikolai and Danina were allowed to leave her office together. It was obvious that she was suspicious of him, but she was not entirely certain he was at the root of Danina's betrayal either, and she did not dare accuse him of it. Instead, she let them go quietly, and Danina led him downstairs to the small garden. It was still cool outside, and she put a shawl around her shoulders, over her leotard. He was worried to see her looking so thin and tired, and he longed to put his arms around her and hold her.
“Are you all right?” he whispered as they sat alone in the small garden. “I miss you … and I was so worried when I didn't hear from you.”
“They must be throwing away my letters. I'll mail them myself from now on,” though God only knew when they would give her enough free time to do it. “What has happened?” she asked, looking worried, but still smiling at him. She was so happy to see him. “Are you all right, Nikolai?”
“Of course … Danina, I love you….” He looked anguished as he said it. The pain of her absence had been almost more than he could bear.
“I love you too,” she whispered, as their hands clasped tightly, and unseen by them, from an upstairs window, Madame Markova was watching them, but she could not hear what they said. But she saw the two hands tightly clenched, which confirmed her suspicions. Her mouth was set in a thin, angry line of contempt and determination. “Have you told Marie yet?”
His brows knit before he answered, and he nodded. “A few days after you left.” But he didn't look pleased with the outcome. Danina could see that at once, and she frowned as she listened.
“What did she say?” It had been a ghastly exchange, and a raging battle ever since then. But he had no intention of losing this one.
“You will never believe it, Danina. She does not want to go back to England. She wants to stay in Russia. After fifteen years of threatening to leave, and telling me how much she hates it here, she will not leave now, when I am offering to free her.” Danina looked vastly disappointed by what he told her, and had to fight back tears as she listened.
“And the divorce?”
“She does not want it. She sees no reason why we should leave each other. She admits that she's as unhappy as I am, but she says she doesn't care about happiness in marriage anymore. She says she does not want the humiliation of a divorce. And if we live together now, you and I, I cannot marry you, Danina.” He looked devastated by what he told her. He had wanted to give her everything, a home, respectability, security, children, a whole new life. But all he could offer her now was to be his mistress. It was she who would be humiliated now, and not his wife.
“Does anyone know about us? The Czar?” Danina asked, looking worried.
“I think he suspects about us, but I don't think he disapproves. He genuinely likes you, and has made a point of saying so to me more than once.”
“Don't worry about all this,” Danina said with a sigh. “It will work out in time. I must finish here anyway. They are very unhappy with me for staying away for so long, and Madame Markova is threatening to put me in the corps de ballet, and no longer allow me to dance as a prima. She says I no longer dance as I did before. I would like to come back to where I was when I left, and that will give you time to convince Marie to listen to reason. We can be patient.” She tried valiantly to sound calmer than she was, about her life in the ballet, and about him.
“I'm not sure I can be patient,” he said unhappily. “I miss you unbelievably. When can you come back to visit again?” The days without her had been intolerable for him, far more than he had feared they would be.
“Perhaps this summer, if they let me have a break this year. Madame Markova is talking about making me stay here to work by myself when the others go on vacation, to make up for the time I missed when I was with you.”
“Can she do that? That's not fair.” He looked outraged. He wanted her with him.
“She can do anything she wants. Nothing is fair here. We'll see. I'll talk to her about it when the time is closer. Right now, we must be patient and wait.” He wanted more time to talk to Marie anyway, to try and reason with her, and at least get her to leave for England, or agree to some kind of separation.
“I'll come back and see you in a few weeks, ‘by order of the Czar.’ “ He smiled at her. “Will you get the letters if I write to you?”
“Perhaps
if you put them in an Imperial envelope,” she said with a mischievous look, which made him smile.
“I'll have Alexei address them for me.” And then, without saying more, he leaned over and kissed her. “Don't worry, my love. We'll work it all out. They cannot keep us apart forever. We just need some time to find the best solutions. But not too much time. I can't bear being without you for too long.” He was about to kiss her again, and as he leaned toward her, they saw the door open to the garden, and Madame Markova was glaring at them.
“Do you intend to spend the entire day with your doctor, Danina? Or working? Perhaps you should be in a hospital, if you're still so ill, and the Czar is still so worried about you. I'm sure we can find a good state hospital for you, if you prefer it to dancing here.” Danina was already on her feet and standing beside Nikolai in her leotard and her toe shoes, and he spoke before she could.
“I'm very sorry, Madame, if I have taken too much of Miss Petroskova's time. It was not my intention. I was simply concerned.”
“Good day then, Dr. Obrajensky.” All her gratitude to him for saving Danina five months before had long since been dispelled, particularly now that she knew he was the enemy that she was facing for Danina. She no longer had any doubt about it.
He kissed Danina on the cheek before he left, and she reminded him to give everyone her love, and with a last squeeze of his hand, she went back to class as he left the garden. He looked bereft when he left the building where she ate and slept, and worked and slaved, for eighteen hours a day. He only wished he could take her with him instead of having to leave her there.
And in class once more, she was desperately trying to concentrate and not think of him, as Madame Markova watched her. She was relentless in her vigilance, her criticism, her brutally unkind words. And when Danina finally took a break two hours later, Madame Markova looked at her with undisguised disdain, and met her eyes with disapproval and something very close to rage.
“So, did he tell you that he cannot leave his wife? That she will not agree to a divorce? You're a fool, Danina Petroskova, it is an old, old story. And he will keep making you promises and breaking them, until he breaks your heart and costs you your life as a dancer, and he will never leave her.” She sounded as though she spoke from experience, or something very bitter which had touched her a long time ago. She had neither forgiven nor forgotten, nor would she now. “Is that what he told you?” The older woman pressed her, but Danina would never admit to her that it was. She knew that Nikolai would never hurt her, no matter what Madame Markova thought of him, or what demons haunted her from the past.
“He had a message for me from the Czar and Czarina,” Danina said calmly.
“And what is that?” Danina did not tell her that they wanted her back for a visit that summer. That would have been the final blow between her and Madame Markova. And she knew she couldn't tell her yet.
“Only that they miss me and are worried about my health.”
“How kind of them, what important friends you have now. But they will not help you when you can no longer dance, they will not want you then, and your doctor will forget you long before that.” She said it with a bitterness Danina had never seen in her before.
“Not necessarily, Madame,” Danina said with quiet dignity, turned on her heel, and went to her next class. There was only so much she would take from her now, and it did not matter to her that Marie would not agree to divorce him or leave for England. They could still have a life together. She was still willing to be with him, married or not.
From then on, every day in May was an agony, made worse by Madame Markova's constant criticism and accusations. Danina was accused of being out of step, out of time, her arabesques were a disgrace, her arms now moved like wood, her legs were stiff, her leaps pathetic. Madame Markova was doing everything she could to push Danina to the breaking point, and break her spirit. She wanted to make her fight for her dancing, and to give up everything but that.
But in spite of it, Danina held on, and Nikolai came to see her again in June. And this time he brought a personal letter from the Czarina. They wanted her to come to Livadia in August, for the entire month if possible, but Danina did not see how she could do it. Nothing had changed with Nikolai in the past month. If anything, Marie was more adamant about staying where she was, and she was making things very difficult about the children, which seemed to surprise him even more.
“I think people do that. They have to make things more painful. Like Madame Markova with me now. It is their own special kind of revenge because in your spirit you have escaped them. And if the Czarina truly wants me to come, she will have to order Madame Markova to send me. She will not dare refuse an Imperial command, otherwise I will not be allowed to accept their invitation, and can't go.”
“They can't do that to you,” he complained. “You're not a slave here.”
“I might as well be,” she said, looking exhausted. But when he left this time, he promised that he would have the Czar himself command her to come, if that was what was required.
And this time, when he went back, he made a clean breast of it to the Czar. He told him everything, and begged for his assistance in getting Danina to Livadia. The Czar was moved by what he said, and promised to do what he could, though from what he knew of the ballet, he knew how rigorous it was and how demanding they were of their top dancers.
“They may not even listen to me,” he said with a smile. “They think they answer only to God, and I'm not even sure they follow His orders.” The Czar smiled at Nikolai.
But the letter that came to Madame Markova in July was difficult for even her to ignore. The Czar explained that the health of the Czarevitch depended on it, as he had become inordinately attached to Danina, and was inconsolable in her absence. He begged Madame Markova to allow Danina to join them.
And when Danina was called into her office this time, Madame Markova's eyes were blazing and her mouth was set in a hard thin line, and she said only that she would be accompanying Danina to Livadia for a month. They were to leave on the first of August, and Madame Markova looked anything but pleased about it. But that was not what Danina wanted to hear, and she was willing to fight for what she got now. She had worked hard for them for three months, almost to the point of persecution. And now they owed her time away with Nikolai. It was all she wanted of her, and Danina would settle for nothing less.
“No, Madame,” she said, taking the older woman completely by surprise. But she sounded like a grown woman now, and no longer an obedient child.
“You will not go?” Madame Mark ova looked stunned. The battle was won then, and a slow smile began to dawn in her eyes for the first time since Danina had returned to them. Danina had been a traitor in her eyes since April. “You do not wish to see him?” It was music to her ears, the war had been won more easily than she had dared to hope.
“No. I wish to go alone. You have no reason to come with me. I do not need a chaperone, Madame, although I appreciate your offer to join me. I am quite comfortable with the Imperial family now, and I believe they wish me to come alone.” In fact, there had been no mention of Madame Markova in the invitation, and they both knew it.
“I will not let you go without me,” Madame Markova said with blazing eyes.
“Then I will explain to the Czar that I am not able to follow his orders.” Danina faced her off with a look of determination Madame Markova had never previously seen in her, and she was more displeased than ever, as the smile faded from her face, and she stood up with a look of ice.
“Very well then. You may go for one month. But I will not promise you that you will still be a prima when we open with Giselle in September. Think about it carefully, Danina, before you take that risk.”
“I have nothing to think about, Madame. If that is your decision, I will abide by it.” But they both also knew that she was dancing better than ever. She had regained all her old strength and skill, and even added some new and far more difficult techniques to it. She ha
d blended maturity with discipline and talent, and the results of her work and growth could not be ignored.
“We begin rehearsals on September first, as you know. Be here on the last day of August,” was all Madame Markova said to her and then she stormed out of the office, leaving Danina alone.
Two weeks later, Danina was on the train, un-chaperoned, on her way to Livadia, contemplating the friend she had lost in her mentor. She knew for certain now that Madame Markova would never forgive her for her betrayal of the ballet. She had never spoken a single word to Danina before she left, and purposely avoided her when Danina went to say good-bye to her. The friendship between them was over, and only because she was in love with Nikolai. But Danina would do nothing to lose him, or an opportunity to be with him. Nothing was more important to her than that. Not even the ballet.
Chapter 6
The time that Danina and Nikolai spent together in Livadia was idyllic. They were given a small, discreet guest cottage where he lived with her, openly this time, and they were treated as husband and wife by both the Czar and Czarina. They seemed to understand.
The weather was beautiful, the children were thrilled to see her again, and true to his word, Alexei even “taught” her to swim, and Nikolai helped “a little.”
The only thing he regretted now was that she had not met his sons. But that was not possible for now. Marie had still not agreed to the divorce, but at least she had gone to visit her father in Hampshire for the summer, and taken the boys with her. Nikolai was hoping that being there would remind her of how much she loved it, and wanted to live there, but thus far he was not too optimistic about a change of heart. She seemed to have every intention of staying married to him, if only to torment him.
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