by Bright, Sera
She blocked the door with her body so I couldn’t close it. The overhead light from the cab of my truck glinted off the blade. No other cars were parked outside. The lights were off in the pizza parlor. My breathing became faster. I didn’t know if my voice would carry loud enough to yell for help, and who would even listen?
“What are you going to do?” She didn’t brandish the scalpel again. “Tell someone I attacked you? The police? And what are you going to say? That you didn’t really do it to yourself? Are they going to believe you?”
My breath burned in my chest. They wouldn’t believe me. Why would they? Even I didn’t believe this had happened, and it was still happening. The keys weren’t on the seat. They must have fallen down somewhere. If I leaned over to find them, I’d be vulnerable to another attack. I went to kick her but she moved away from my feet, holding onto the open door.
She clucked her tongue at me. “Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you.”
The blood dripping down my fingers said otherwise, as did the scalpel she held in her hand. I squeezed my wrist with my other hand to put pressure on the deeper cut. I didn’t know how bad it was, and couldn’t risk passing out from blood loss.
“I wanted to have a little chat,” she said, cheerfully, like a complete psychopath. “I know you’re taking a gap year instead of going to the University of Michigan. If you disappeared tonight, who would know?”
My heart stopped cold. How did she find out? No one outside of the administrative offices at U of M knew about my deferment, not even Ash. She was well-connected, but this was beyond what I imagined. Warm drops of blood splashed on my knee.
“Most likely Ash would, and that would be a shame. He’s so excited to go to that school of his,” she continued. “Did you know the McCallums have a niece who attends the same school? It will be nice for him to have a connection to home, don’t you think? Such a nice family.”
Time slowed to a standstill. Going after me was one thing, but I couldn’t let her go after him. She already had a spy in place to keep an eye on him. She wasn’t going to let him get away from her that easily. He’d made plans to live off-campus and vanish from their reach out in L.A. But he couldn’t give up going to school. I couldn’t let her take it away from him.
“Just tell me what you want.” I held out my arm to prevent the blood from getting on my clothes.
“I want what every mother wants, of course.” The fine lines around her eyes wrinkled as she faked sympathy. “I’m sorry, I forgot you wouldn’t know about that since your own mother left you. I didn’t mean to bring up such a sore point.”
I willed my face to remain expressionless.
She was determined to draw this out as painfully as possible, though. “Well. Like most mothers, I want my child to be happy and safe. You want Ash to be happy, don’t you? You want him to be safe.”
It sounded like a threat, despite her sugar-coated words. I wasn’t going to let her hurt him ever again, not when he was so close to leaving. I needed to know what the threat was if I had any chance of preventing it from coming true.
She leaned in closer. I desperately fought the urge to cringe, knowing she’d pounce on any display of weakness.
“All I’m suggesting is it would be a shame if something happened, and he couldn’t leave for school. What would his life be like if he missed out on this opportunity? And from what I’ve heard, they’re so excited about Ash attending, and think he’s immensely talented. No, I think this is more of a question of what do you want? Because I think you’d do anything for him.”
How stupid of me. She’d attacked me to get my attention, but she already knew my weakness.
She continued, accompanying her words with a nasty smile. “I met a charming woman at a fundraiser this year. She used to work as a social worker for the county, and after a couple of bottles of wine, she had such sad stories to tell about her time at CPS. One story really tugged at my heart, about a young girl who called her office every day for a month, pleading for someone to look into fake claims of abuse for her childhood friend. It sounded like the young girl had some serious problems and just wanted some attention, poor thing.”
I couldn’t stop myself from snapping, “Maybe there was nothing fake about them in the first place.”
Her smile grew as the whispers came back to life in my head. That it was all my fault. If I had tried harder, maybe I could have stopped her. With a jerk of my head, I tried to push the litany aside, but the words kept repeating while she continued to talk.
“Would you let him give up his future for you? Knowing you could’ve prevented it?” She chuckled. “Unless you think somehow he loves you enough that it wouldn’t matter. How long do you think that will really last?”
I knew being with Ash would cause problems, and deep down, I knew it wasn’t going to last, either. If I hadn’t been so selfish, she wouldn’t have had a reason to threaten to take Ash’s future away. It was all my fault. The same refrain kept repeating in my head, it wouldn’t stop.
“Here.” She held out a newspaper clipping. “You’ll understand.”
I took it from her hand, careful not to come even close to touching her. It was a clipped article from a newspaper. The headline read: “Man Arrested for Narcotics Possession Accuses Police of Planting Evidence.” Wide-eyed, I stared up at her.
She lowered her head with a mock-sorrowful expression. “Of course, I’ll do anything to help him. He has so many problems, all the psychiatrists I’ve taken him to over the years said so. If it got to this point, rehab wouldn’t be enough. My husband and I would have to think about fighting for guardianship over him. Hypothetically, we’ve already consulted with some of our lawyer friends about this.”
She’d allow her own son to be brought up on drug charges, using her spies and her connections, and then take control over his life just because of our relationship. If she had the resources to fool everyone into looking the other way all these years, there was no doubt in my mind she and her husband could arrange for someone to hide drugs in Ash’s car and then have him arrested. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the rest of her threat. A tremor ran through me from head to toe. Why did she hate the idea of us being together so much? I would do anything if she would just leave him alone long enough for him to start his life far away from her.
“What do you want me to do?” I clutched the steering wheel, my blood making it slick under my palms. If she simply wanted me gone, I was already there.
“I don’t care what you do, just think it through wherever you go. Preferably tonight. I would hate for anything bad to happen.” Her eyes narrowed. “I’ll know if you show up where you’re unwanted.”
Finally, she moved away from my door. I slammed it closed and locked all the doors, watching her walk away into the shadows.
Shaking overcame my body, but I had to focus. I opened the glove box and grabbed a wad of napkins. Blood soaked through the thin paper as I pressed the napkins to my wrist. I didn’t think she’d hit an artery, but there was so much blood. So much more than I’d ever seen in my life. The deeper cut probably needed stitches but that wasn’t an option unless I wanted to spend the night fending off questions about why I hurt myself.
A roll of silver tape sat in the open glove box. Duct tape would solve everything. A hysterical giggle escaped from my mouth because I couldn’t cry. Crying wouldn’t solve anything. And Ash would see through my red eyes in a second. He couldn’t know anything about this.
I choked back a sob. She’d cornered me into a no-win game. She knew what Ash would do if I told him about her attack and threats—he’d stand up to her for me, and he’d lose. He’d lose everything and all hope for his future because we would play right into her hands. And it would be all my fault.
Even worse, she was a master-level player. She’d attacked my wrists so I’d lose credibility if I tried to tell, and threatened Ash in a way I couldn’t explain—other than a random newspaper clipping. The only solution was to do what she wanted
, despite the fact she was a complete psycho. I couldn’t even try to convince him to leave for school earlier. She’d think I tipped him off and who knows what she would do.
My hand trembled as I wrapped a strip of tape over more napkins and my stinging wrist. It didn’t look pretty or particularly clean, but it contained the bleeding. The cuts were going to leave nasty scars. I dropped the roll of tape on my legs. Scars. Ash had scars on his shoulders, he’d told me it was from one of his dad’s beatings. What if it had been his mother the whole time?
My breath came out in panicked, short gasps. I had to do this. I had to. I couldn’t lose it. I found a water bottle and carefully wiped off the drying blood on my legs and hands. The last step was to pull on a rumpled sweatshirt from under the seat. And then I drove home.
When I opened the front door and walked inside, Ash yelled out from the kitchen, “What took you so long? I was starting to get worried.”
He came into the living room wearing only a pair of cargo shorts. I tugged the left sleeve of the sweatshirt down and prayed the bleeding wouldn’t leak through my makeshift bandage. I put the pizza down on the coffee table, next to one of Ash’s sketchbooks.
“Are you all right?” He scanned over my face with a questioning expression. “You look like you’re freezing.”
I tried to control the remaining shivers of fear and shock. “I’m not feeling very good all of a sudden.”
“Is it a migraine?” He started forward like he wanted to take me in his arms.
“No.” I quickly sat down on the couch. If he thought I had a migraine, he’d insist on taking care of me. “I’m just nervous about leaving tomorrow. Um, I got into a special program at U of M at the last minute and I have to leave in the morning. I was going to tell you earlier but I forgot.”
“Tomorrow?” His brow furrowed in confusion. “What about all your plans to take off and explore?”
“It was a stupid idea.” I bent my wrist accidentally and masked a wince. “I was just freaked out about going to college. I’m already over it.”
“Are you sure?”
“You don’t understand.” He didn’t understand, because if I made him understand, he wouldn’t get away. “I have to go. It’s the only opportunity to get what I want out of life.”
He settled on the other side of me on the couch. My fingers crept inside the sleeve to rub the concealed duct tape. She’d gotten to me without a problem; what could she do to Ash if he wasn’t able to go to school? It would be all my fault if I didn’t leave tonight. I felt the weight of his gaze on me.
“Katie, are you okay?” Ash said, his voice concerned. “Did something happen when you went out to get the pizza?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” I forced myself to look over to him and purposely bit my lip to appear as uncertain as possible. “I just realized how fast everything is changing.”
“Yeah, things have changed.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to talk to you about that. About us.”
My heart beat faster, overtaking the throbbing in my arm. Oh, please no. Not now. Not when I’m about to walk away from him. “I did, too.”
“What did you want to tell me?” Anxiety flashed in his eyes.
“I don’t know about us. I mean, being more than friends.” I averted my eyes, blinking rapidly to clear the tears. “Why can’t we go back to the way it was before? You know, the good old times? Everything wasn’t so different.”
“What?” He sucked in a sharp breath. “I don’t want the old times back. I love what we have now. Why are you suddenly acting like you don’t?”
I couldn’t stop myself from asking because I wanted to hear it. Just once. I was so selfish. “And what do we have?”
“I’m in love with you.” He brushed the hair off of my face with a solemn expression. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.”
I allowed myself the luxury of this one single second. The gentle touch of his fingers on my face. The words that hung in the air, the timbre of his voice as he said it. For one second, he was mine. Then I bit my inner lip so hard, the metallic taste of blood flooded my mouth to match the blood leaking from my wrist. I pulled the sleeve of the sweatshirt over my left hand, balling up the fabric in my fingers.
“I think you’re confusing love for friendship,” I told him, moving away with stiff shoulders. “And we’re going to be thousands of miles away from each other. A long-distance relationship would never work. We’re going to be moving in different directions—”
“You can’t mean that.” He cupped my face in his hands. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t lie about that.
“Tell me the truth.” His voice caught ever so slightly. I hated that I heard it. I hated myself more.
But the truth was useless and good intentions didn’t matter. Actions did. I shoved all the heartbreak aside, and locked it down tight. “I don’t love you the way you need me to.”
Because it won’t keep you safe.
He took me by the shoulders. “You’re lying.”
I forced myself to look into his eyes. “You’re my best friend. Of course I love you. But this was different.”
“How is it different?”
My mind raced as fast as my heart to find an answer. I had to push him away. He’d see through me if I didn’t.
I whispered, “I wanted to lose my virginity, and you were the only person I could trust. I wanted to be normal for once.”
And more than that, I had wanted to be happy. To be in love, being loved. To start a new life without secrets. I almost had all of that up until an hour ago, and now I was destroying it. Ash stared at me, and I swear he stopped breathing.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He jumped up, knocking the coffee table onto its side. The pizza slid out of its box in a mess of cheese and sauce, and the sketchbook skittered under a chair. “You’re seriously trying to tell me you used me for sex?”
“Don’t be like this!” My neck cramped from the strain of not collapsing in front of him. “We knew this was coming. It’s time for us to learn to be apart from each other anyway.”
“I don’t want to learn how to be apart from you.” His face was awash with anger—and hurt. “I need you.”
“I’m sorry I can’t love you back the way you want me to.” Tears pooled in my eyes but I wouldn’t let them fall. “But please believe me, you’re the most important person in my life, and I can’t lose you.”
His lean chest rose and fell rapidly. He balled his fists at his side. “I’m not leaving until you promise me one thing.”
My promises were worthless. I’d only break them. “What?”
“You’ll come out to L.A. on your first school break and meet me there.” He clenched his jaw, his voice devoid of all emotion now. “There are some things I need to tell you.”
I flexed my wrist, the pain distracting me from the wrenching hollowness in my chest. His mother’s spy would know if I visited. Somehow she’d find out “Why?”
“Because I’m never coming back to this side of the country after I leave next week.” He loomed over me, his face like chiseled granite. “If you don’t want to lose me, promise me.”
I was going to lose him no matter what I did. The words ripped out of my throat. “I promise.”
He gave me a curt, dismissive glance and then did what I’d expected from the moment he kissed me on the beach. He slammed out the door, and left me behind. I curled up on the couch and clutched my injured arm to my chest. At least he didn’t stay long enough to see me cry.
Chapter Twenty
Tuesday
While I talked, Ash had moved closer to me in the empty meadow. Silent as the moon shining down on us, he watched the movement of my hands. I stopped plucking out blades of grass. A wide swathe of earth lay exposed in front of me. It had taken all my self-control to keep my voice composed during my confession.
“I’m sorry if I ever ma
de you feel like I didn’t trust you. I’ve always trusted you, but I can understand if you don’t believe me at this point.” My throat spasmed, raw from battling to get every word out. “You know the worst part? I lied to you and then ran away in the middle of the night, like you meant nothing to me. You didn’t deserve that. No one does.”
Ash knew everything now. He shook with imperceptible tension, incredibly angry and on the verge of imploding again. Shame weighed heavy on my shoulders. We needed to go soon. I had to go home and pack so I could leave in the morning. And I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it together, already on the brink of breaking down. I brushed off my legs and went to stand up.
“Listen to me.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him, catching me off-balance. “Please.”
I landed on him and we tumbled into the deep, soft grass.
“I’ve always known you were the one who called CPS.” He flipped me over on my back and covered me with his body.
Near tears, I struggled to move out from underneath him. “And I made things worse for you.”
“You’re the only person who’s ever given a damn about me,” he said. “I got through each day because of you. I was the one who made things worse for you! I didn’t fucking know she would go this far.”
He took my wrist and brought it up from my side, the anguish on his face clear. In the moonlight, the faint raised scars could be seen, jagged under the red ink. My heart plummeted. I’d tried so hard to gloss over the details of his mother’s attack.
“You’re not responsible for her.” A tear escaped from my eye. “But I chose to hurt you when I lied. I could have made different choices, but I didn’t know what else to do. I swore I would never do anything to hurt you, and that’s all I did last summer.”
“You didn’t lie.” He drew in a ragged breath. “You were protecting yourself. I just hate that it was from me.”
“No!” I protested, a sob building up in my chest. “It wasn’t like that. I was trying to protect you.”
