by Teresa Toten
But how?
“Now, do you like mustard or ketchup with your bologna?”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
There was no getting rid of Sweetie, of course. He was on Adam like a suction cup. “You’re here! You came! I’ll be good and I won’t pest you, I promise!”
By “good,” Sweetie meant that he wouldn’t bother Adam while he was on the phone with Robyn, not that he would leave him alone while he was on the phone with Robyn. Over the next couple of weeks, Sweetie’s routine would be to sit quietly on the other side of his bed, pretending to play with his ever-growing empire of Tonka trucks while Adam whispered to Robyn.
Adam always closed his eyes and let Robyn’s satiny voice cover him. Tonight she talked about how her dad had actually booked off an entire week for spring break. They were going to go skiing in Whistler and bring her baking friend. Robyn was going to take lessons. “If only you could come instead of Jody, it would be perfect. Imagine us in all that snow.”
He missed her already, ached for her. But she sounded so surprised and happy about her father arranging it all.
Adam had hoped that they would see each other every single day during break. He needed to kiss her. As they talked, he would disappear into the movie of them. Scenes of them leaning against Marnie Wetherall or sitting on the cold hard winter grass as grimy icicles dripped off the willow. Scenes of them kissing and holding each other against the raw stone, touching each other, exploring shyly. “I love you, Adam.”
“I love you more, Robyn.” They were always warm together in the cold. Good thing too. He couldn’t bring her to his house, and she didn’t ask him back to hers. So, protected by Marnie or the willow, he replayed every kiss, every touch and every caress—until he remembered to return to the conversation.
“So it’s kind of a ‘who do I think I am’ thing. I’ve never even been to a single drama club meeting and now I want to try out for the lead.”
“What’s the play?”
“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
“Really? Really, Robyn? You doubt for a single second that you’d nail the role of Nurse Ratched? You could do it on life experience alone, never mind brilliant acting talent. Watch the movie, it’s superior.”
“You are impossible and adorable, you know.”
“No, I’m not,” he mumbled. I so am not. “It’s true, that word, about you—adorable, I mean.”
“How do you do that? How do you make me feel this way? I don’t even know what it is. Wait, that’s a lie, I do know. I’ve known from the beginning, from when you took the stairs that first time because of Wonder Woman. You are so good. It’s like I feel safe with you, safer than with anyone else in the whole world.”
He felt like he’d swallowed a tray of ice cubes. “Really?”
“It’s true. I didn’t know it was true until I said it, but it’s true.”
She was smiling. He could always tell by the timbre of her voice. And that hurt even more. He couldn’t take it. Adam explained that he wouldn’t be calling over the next few days, that privacy at Brenda’s was simply not an option and it was killing him.
He needed time to sort it out.
Everybody lies.
“I’ll miss your voice. I can’t wait to meet him—your Sweetie, I mean.”
“Yeah,” Adam whispered. “Yeah.”
Unable to contain himself a second longer, that same Sweetie erupted into exploding cannonballs, bouncing from one bed to the other the whole time that the two engaged in their mandatory marathon closing.
“Well, good night, fair queen. I’ll hold on to you while you hang up.”
“No, dear prince, I will hold on while you let go.”
“Hang on a sec.” Adam covered the receiver. “Sweetie, quit bopping around before I break your other arm.”
Instead, Sweetie burst into giggles and bounced with greater abandon.
“I think I see what you mean.” Robyn laughed.
“Yeah, well, there you go. So, dear angel, you hang up while I hold on to you.”
“No, dear angel, you hang up,” Sweetie parroted.
So much for “not pesting.” Adam picked his brother up and held on to him until Robyn finally hung up first.
He was drained by the time Sweetie regained his freedom. “Goof!”
“Now?” said Sweetie. “Now can we be us?”
“Not yet. I just have a bit of homework to do first, okay?”
Sweetie sighed hugely and dragged himself back to his Tonkas, contenting himself with crashing them into ear-splitting pileups.
Adam went to the desk and retrieved a piece of paper. He had promised Chuck that he’d bring in the List for their next session. Maybe if he brought in the List, he could put off the ERP discussion some more.
March 9 THE LIST Adam Spencer Ross
Meds: Ativan (I need a new prescription)
Anafranil 25 mg 3 × per day (need a new scrip there too)
1. I believe that Robyn Isobel Plummer is my one true love, my first love, and that I will never ever love anyone like I love her.
2. I believe that getting fixed is pretty much the most important thing in the world.
3. I believe that I will for sure start the exposure thing and do everything I need to do this time (including these stupid lists).
4. I believe that I don’t know what to do about my mom.
5. I believe that my mom, my dad, Brenda, Sweetie and Robyn all actually love me. I no longer believe that is enough to fix me.
6. I believe that I lie when I have to and that everybody lies. Deal with it.
7. I believe that even numbers are a bitch.
8. I believe that the threshold and door stuff is serious and getting worse.
9. I believe that all of the superheroes (maybe even Wolverine) are my friends and that I am theirs. This is important in a way I haven’t figured out yet.
10. I believe that I am unclean and will harm those I care about the most and that there is too much noise in my head and that I am so goddamned tired.
Adam folded the paper, slowly got up and reached for his PJs. Sweetie was like a golden retriever on steroids. “Now can we play Batman? Can I be Robin, just for pretend? I know you have a Robin, even though she’s a girl, but can I be Robin and we can kill the Joker to death? Huh?”
He was hollowed out, couldn’t even smile at his brother. It would cost too much.
Robyn.
There were also times when they didn’t kiss and roam non-stop. The in-between times. That’s when they just held each other and whispered. Marnie, of course, heard it all. Adam would try to make Robyn laugh, and she would, whether it was funny or not. She would tease him and he would tell her what it was like before. And they talked about what it would be like after. It was as if they were two normal kids in love, sitting on a sofa in a warm living room, telling each other almost everything and sorting out the world with someone’s mom puttering annoyingly in the background. Except, of course, they weren’t two normal kids. Would never be.
“No, sorry, little guy. I can’t. I’m just so …” He got into his bed and lay on his side.
“Did she make you sad? You’re sad. Did she make you sad?”
“No, no, she didn’t. It’s not like that, it’s … Look, I’m too tired, Sweetie, okay?” He girded himself for the onslaught of pleas and pushes. It didn’t come.
“Okay,” Sweetie whispered. He turned off the table lamp and even unplugged two of the four night lights. He padded back to Adam and tucked him in properly, smooshing the covers just so and knocking him about with his cast in the process. Finally satisfied with the tucking, Sweetie climbed up and sat beside Adam, propping himself against the headboard.
“I’ll stand on guard, okay?” He yawned. “I will keep you safe.”
Adam nodded. He couldn’t trust his voice.
“Would you like to borrow my one hundred and eleven number? I’ll give it to you. That’s a one and a one and a one.”
Adam nodded a
gain, too tired to speak, using all that was left of his strength to stop the tears before they started.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Wonder Woman’s chair sat aggressively empty. Nobody said anything. It gnawed at him. She was AWOL again. Wonder Woman was the only one of them who had missed any sessions. The rest of the superheroes scored a perfect attendance record. They were crazy, but keenly so.
Adam surveyed the room, stopped at Wolverine.
Damn. Wolverine looked good. He always looked good, but lately he was looking alarmingly good. Was Wolverine getting better? That would be seriously unendurable. Adam listened carefully as Wolverine droned on about his deadly disease du jour; he had moved on from heart ailments to critical blood cancers. “Do you even know the symptoms of multiple myeloma? I have been lethargic for five days now. I’m going for tests …”
Naw, he was still nuts. Green Lantern, however, seemed to be making progress, and Adam, no matter how bent out of shape he was, could not begrudge the green guy his victories.
“So I’m trying to follow that OCD manual by the letter, but I’m probably still calling Chuck way too much.”
Chuck smiled and shook his head.
It struck Adam at that moment that Chuck had a lot of them as private patients as well, and that they must all call him. And then he realized that he had tons of other private patients who must also call and cry and whinge. So when did the therapist chill or BBQ with his family? Did he have a family? Chuck sat quietly while still managing to nudge and cheer them on like there was nowhere else he’d rather be. The guy should get a medal or a car or something. Adam wasn’t sure why he was getting these blinding little insights, but lately he’d started to notice the world around him a bit more. Just how much Chuck, Brenda and his father had to put up with. Adam noticed it and it sucked that he noticed.
It was hard enough when he didn’t notice.
“So you’re not rewinding at all?” asked Snooki. Everyone in Group knew that one of Green Lantern’s “things” was revisiting the scene of his latest imagined catastrophe, whether physically or in his head.
“Well, yeah, a bit,” admitted Green Lantern. “But I’ve mapped it all out as per page 147, and I’m rating each compulsion like it says. And, I don’t know, just doing that actually cuts it down a pile.”
“Wow,” said Adam. “That’s impressive, man. I’ve got to get my butt in on the exposure stuff, but it’s scaring the crap out of me and I haven’t even opened the stupid manual.”
Green Lantern tried hard not to look pleased with himself.
Adam could tell that his breakthrough impressed the hell out everyone except for maybe Thor. He couldn’t see Thor making maps of his rituals and compulsions and whatever else he had going on—which, let’s face it, had to be higher on the I am crazy scale than on the regular OCD one. Adam turned to Thor. The big guy had been unusually quiet. Okay, he was always quiet, except for the growling, but today and last time he seemed too—what? Placid? When Adam finally caught his eye, there was barely a response.
It made Adam unbearably sad.
He held Thor’s eyes as he jumped back into the fray.
“Yeah, well, at the other end of the scale—I’ve hit a new high or low or whatever. I can’t go home,” he said. “I can’t get through the door at all.”
That got everyone’s attention. Thor stayed on him, cloudy-eyed but on him.
“I couldn’t get in one night—just couldn’t break through—and I haven’t been back since. I have enough stuff at my stepmother’s to get me by, you know?”
“What the hell?” snapped Wolverine. “What kind of pussy are you? Your old lady is being stalked by a psycho-turd and you take off on her?”
You could smell the indignation. Everyone sat up straighter. Robyn and Snooki glared at Wolverine, and Thor even roused himself out of his fog enough to emit a decent approximation of a growl.
Wolverine was right, though. “I agree.” Adam nodded. “It’s total candy-ass.” Snooki’s hand shot to his knee. She was patting energetically. “But I’m a mess and the house situation and the situation with”—careful, careful—“my mom and the letters, and not being able to breach the threshold … Aargh! I do worry for her. I make myself puke. That I can’t just snap out of this and take care of—”
“Nobody here is judging you, Batman,” interrupted Iron Man. “Nobody. That’s too much. You do what you got to do.” Thor grrrr-ed in agreement. “But no one’s judging you, man.” He eyeballed Wolverine.
“Yeah,” said Snooki. “Like, you are so here for everyone in here, all the time. I don’t think it even registers with you how much you carry. You worry about too many people, like your mom, and your fat friend, and your little brother, and”—she shot Robyn a look—“and God only knows who else. Cut yourself some slack, Batman.”
He’d talked about Stones to them?
“She’s right,” whispered Robyn. “She’s right.”
“Yeah, man,” said Captain America and Green Lantern in unison.
“No crap, man. Too much is too much.” Iron Man was shaking his head.
“No, see, Wolverine actually nailed it when—”
“Excuse me, Batman.” Chuck rarely inserted himself into the conversation, so it was always an event when he piped up. “But how about you let those comments wash over you for a bit. Let them sit for a while. Let them challenge what you perceive to be the truth. Maybe they’re valid observations. Maybe you can trust them.”
Adam exhaled before speaking. “Thanks, guys,” he said to his feet. “I mean it.” His feet were still. His breath was even. No single part of Adam was counting, until the end.
At 4:51 p.m., Chuck cleared his throat. “Uh, you’ve all no doubt noticed Wonder Woman’s, uh, Connie’s absence.” Connie? Why had Wonder Woman become Connie again? “We—that is, Connie and her family—have decided that it would be best for her to continue her treatment by entering the residential program in Houston.”
Residential. The word swirled around the circle menacingly and landed with a thud.
Residential.
Shit.
No one breathed, let alone said anything. Chuck looked taken aback by the silence.
“Whoa, guys!” said Robyn. “It’s not a death sentence. It’s the best thing for Con—er, Wonder Woman. We all know she’s been sliding. Look, residential was a massive piece in my being able to function and put one foot in front of the other.”
Residential.
“I honest to God don’t know where I’d be without it, or without you guys.” She looked directly at Adam.
“Robyn is right.” Chuck nodded. “This is an extremely positive step for Connie and she will join us all again in a few weeks. I’ll update you as best I can, and we’ll talk about getting in touch next session, okay? So until then, try to remember that this is the very best thing for her.” He glanced at his watch. “Okay, superheroes, good work today. Class dismissed.”
Snooki got up and left without saying a word.
While they were stacking chairs, Adam whispered to Robyn that he’d meet her at the gates.
“You got it.” And she kissed him, long and hard.
Everyone had left except for Chuck and Thor, but they saw.
And they looked sad.
When Thor clomped out, Adam ran to keep up with him. Thor always took the stairs, not because he was claustrophobic but—Wait a minute. Thor might be claustrophobic. Thor might be a thousand things. Adam didn’t know. What Adam did know was that the guy was in a lot of pain. It wafted off him in waves. The waves had struck Adam from the very first session. It was familiar.
“Thor, wait!”
The big guy turned unsteadily in the stairwell.
Adam’s nerve was quickly evaporating. Again, even though he was two steps lower than him, the mighty Thor was taller, larger, more substantial in every way.
“Look, Thor, something’s up. It’s none of my business, but are you okay? I mean, meds and meds adjustments can mess yo
u up almost as much as the OCD can. Believe me, I know.” It was like trying to converse with a mountain. “So I just want to know if you’re okay, okay? The thing with Wonder Woman, you know, it can spook a person.”
Thor tried unsuccessfully to focus on Adam. Zombie eyes. Adam recognized the effort, remembered the trial and error, the weeks and weeks of side effects, thick tongue, exhaustion and body tremors until they arrived at a manageable meds combo and dosage.
“Hey, remember how we all wrote down our phone numbers that first session?”
Thor was still struggling to aim his eyes.
“Well, you’re probably more of a text guy, but I’m not allowed anything like that, right?”
Thor nodded, or he wanted to, Adam was sure of it, and sure as well that a decent guy was trapped in there somewhere.
“Well, Brenda, my stepmom, her number is on that list too, okay? You can call me there anytime, man. And once they get your meds squared up, I bet you’d go for a wicked game of Warhammer, eh?”
No response.
“Hell, you look fiercer than the fiercest Orc. Ben—that’s my fat friend that Snooki was referring to—well, Stones would get a real kick out of you, and you’d like him, I guarantee it!”
Thor lifted his big beefy arm, placed it on Adam’s wiry shoulder and looked in his general direction. “I got you covered.”
Okay, so not exactly what Adam was going for.
“Well, thanks. But I mean it about calling, anytime.”
Thor sighed as he turned. And the two walked down the rest of the stairs in a companionable if confused silence.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
“You were great in there, in Group.” She kissed his cheek. “But look, I know you tried to talk to Thor.” Robyn slipped her arm through his, as she always did, and they walked like this to the cemetery. She kissed him again. “You know you can’t save everybody, right?”
“What?”
“It’s part of your problem, like Snooki was saying as she was gripping your knee. Once in a while, even that over-toasted airhead stumbles onto something.”
