by Lucy Gordon
He shuddered and her arms tightened around him in a fierce, protective embrace. “Oh, God,” she whispered.
“I never saw her again,” Gavin said in a bleak voice. “She died soon after.”
This time Norah couldn’t say anything. She could only rock gently back and forth, trying to comfort the unhappy child through the man in whom he still lived. Norah disapproved of violence, but when she considered William, who’d wreaked such devastation on the man in her arms, her thoughts were savage.
“And that was the dream?” she asked gently.
“Yes. I’ve blotted the truth out all my life, because it was the only way I could survive. I remember feeling so helpless. My life could be turned upside down without any reference to my feelings, and there was nothing I could do about it. I swore I’d never be helpless again as long as I lived.”
“So that’s why-?”
“Yes, that’s why I’m the way I am-overbearing, brutal-”
“No, not brutal,” she said quickly. “I thought so once, but I know better now.”
“I hope you’re right. Not that it helps to know that now.”
“It always helps to know the truth about yourself.”
“Maybe. It’s too soon for me to see how that could be. All I know is that suppressing it hasn’t worked. Recently, it’s started to come back to the surface. I guess we both know why.”
“Why do you think?” Norah asked cautiously. In her heart she knew the answer, but she was breathless with hope at the way Gavin was learning understanding, and she wanted to know how far he’d gone.
“Because of Peter,” he answered. “My father tried for years to turn me into an extension of himself-”
“But he hasn’t managed it,” she couldn’t resist breaking in. “You seem like him on the surface, but underneath you’re more generous and unselfish than he could ever be.”
“I don’t know. I only know that he came frighteningly close to succeeding. I told Peter that he had to learn to fight the world like a man, and then I had the strangest sensation. It was because my father used those very words to me. I’d better face the worst now. I’ve turned into him-a man who’s unfit to care for a child.”
“Gavin, you’re being too hard on yourself-”
“Perhaps it’s time I was a little hard on myself. How many times have I told you that Peter had to come with me because he was mine, without thinking of his feelings? No wonder he turned away from me in fear. He feels about me the way I’ve always felt about my father, and that’s the worst thing of all. That’s the thing I’ve got to put right.”
He raised his head and looked her in the eyes. His face was ravaged. “I came so close to repeating history, didn’t I? I nearly damaged him as I was damaged. But I won’t let it happen. I have to stop it now.”
“How?” she asked.
“By leaving, going a long way away, where he’ll forget me.”
“Gavin, that’s not the way,” she said quickly.
“It’s the only way. I have to break the cycle and let him be free of me. I’m going to leave him with you.”
“No.” The cry broke from her. “You mustn’t go. Not now.”
He looked at her intently in the dim light. “Not now?” he asked tentatively.
She didn’t answer in words, but the truth was in her eyes. He no longer had any defenses against his feelings, and for almost the first time in his life he did what his instincts were telling him to do, without question, without fear, with nothing but an overwhelming need. Drawing her to him slowly he laid his lips on hers, and immediately felt a deep peace invade him, body and soul.
She melted against him, kissing him back with ardor and some other quality, something he hardly dared to hope was love. But as they held each other and the peace possessed him completely, he knew what it was that united them. It was bitter to discover the sweet truth when he had to leave her, but he had no regrets. If he had to live a thousand lonely years without her, he would say they were all worth it for this moment, for the unspeakable joy of knowing that he’d won the love of the most perfect woman in the world.
He released her and looked into her face, loving everything he saw and trying to fix the sight in his mind against the lonely days to come. “I love you,” he whispered. “I don’t think I knew what love was until I met you. Norah…Norah…tell me that you love me.”
“I love you now and forever,” she said quietly.
“Oh, God,” he groaned. “Why did this have to happen when it’s too late?”
“Gavin, it doesn’t have to be too late. We can make it right.”
“Nothing will ever be right for Peter as long as I’m around. Don’t you see? I have to leave. It’s the only way to save him. As long as I’m here, he’ll suffer.”
“You can’t know that-”
“Yes, I can, because I remember my own feelings. I’ve hidden them all these years, and now it’s as though I’m feeling them for the first time. But perhaps I’m different from my father in this one thing-that I can see what’s happening and stop it. And I must stop it. I mustn’t let Peter suffer as I did. He’s too fine and sensitive. He’d be even more damaged than I was.”
“But what will you do? You mustn’t go back to your old life, where only property mattered. It’ll suck you in and make you hard again. Don’t do that, Gavin.”
“No, I’m finished with all that. Everything is hazy in my head right now, but one thing is clear. I must assign my half of this house to Peter, so that the sanctuary can be completely safe, then I’ll sell out and manage with what-if anything-is left. And perhaps one day I’ll be able to come back, when Peter’s had time to forgive me and I’ve learned to be the kind of father he needs. It may not be for a long time, but I’ll return one day. In the meantime, I give him to you.”
She looked at him and there was a new light in her face. “You love Peter enough to give him up?” she whispered. “You really love him as much as that?”
“As much as that,” he said.
“Oh, God, I’ve been so wrong about you.”
He managed a smile. “I never thought to hear you say that. Kiss me, my love. Kiss me as if it’s the only kiss we’ll ever have.”
She took his face between her hands and looked into it for a long moment, fixing it in her heart’s memory. She knew he was a man of iron will, and she had a terrible vision of the separation to come. The dread of that empty time ahead was there in her kiss, in the gentleness with which she laid her lips on his, and the soft, caressing movements with which she tried to tell him that she loved him. She could feel his answering love in the way he put his arms about her and drew her close. The man she’d once believed him to be would have been incapable of such tenderness, but she understood him better now, knew that there had always been love and tenderness within him, waiting to be released. Somehow she found the courage to believe that one day they would find each other again. His kiss told her that it was the same with him, and for a long time they clung together in silence, seeking reassurance and strength against the lonely time that faced them.
Gavin breakfasted early and alone, drinking only coffee. When he heard the others coming he went into the study and made two telephone calls, one to William’s convalescent home and the other to Angus Philbeam.
When he was sure he could control his feelings he went to William’s room. The nurse had just finished getting the old man up and settled into his wheelchair. Gavin gave him a nod and the man departed. “About time you came to see me,” William growled. “We have a lot to talk about.”
“We have nothing left to talk about,” Gavin said distantly. “I’m sorry, Father, but I can’t invite you to stay.”
“What do you mean, ‘invite?’ I’m here.”
“But you’ll be leaving as soon as the ambulance arrives for you. I’ve made all the arrangements. The home knows you’re coming back.”
William eyed him with disgust. “I see. Getting rid of me because you don’t want me to see you caving
in, eh?”
“You’re leaving because I’m leaving myself. Neither of us belongs here any more.”
“Now what are you talking about? I never could understand the half of what you said.”
“That’s because you never listened. If you’d ever been interested in what I thought, you’d have discovered that I wasn’t just a replica of you. But of course, you didn’t want to know that. You’ve spent thirty years trying to use me to revenge yourself on my mother, for leaving you. And I’ve only just seen it. But it’s over. I got a lesson from my son last night. He’s too secure in his own values to let you trouble him. I wish I could have said the same of myself before now, but until recently I wasn’t given the benefit of knowing Norah Ackroyd.”
He waited to see if William would answer, but for once the spiteful old man was lost for words. Only the mottling of his face betrayed that his son’s words were having any effect.
“I’m putting my half of this house in Peter’s name, and I’m leaving everything in Norah’s care,” Gavin went on. “When I get back to town I’m going to free myself of the weary load of trying to prop up Hunter & Son. I’ve done my best, but my best isn’t good enough and I don’t care any more. I’m going to sell what I have to and pay the debts. You needn’t worry. There’ll be enough left to keep you in comfort, but beyond that I have no further interest in struggling to keep up a front of success when there’s no reality behind it.”
William turned rancorous eyes on him. “Quitter!” he spat. “I might have expected this from her son. You’re a quitter.”
“Yes,” Gavin agreed quietly. “I suppose I am. I’ve quit your world. Now I must try to find my own.”
There was a knock on the door. It was Norah, to tell him Angus had arrived. Gavin went downstairs quickly, leaving Norah and William briefly alone. The old man eyed her with bitter dislike.
“You,” he said. “You did this.”
“No,” she said simply. “You did it.”
Angus had come prepared with the documents transferring ownership of one half of Strand House to Peter, naming Norah as his trustee until the boy was of age. Angus was troubled. “May I ask,” he said delicately, “whether you are taking this course of action because you fear…er…total insolvency?”
“No, I’m not bankrupt,” Gavin said with a half smile. “At least, not financially bankrupt. No, this is for…other reasons.”
By the time he’d finished, the ambulance was at the door and William was already in the hallway, seated in his wheelchair and scowling. “I won’t say goodbye,” he snapped. “A son who could throw his father out on the mercy of the world has nothing to say to me or I to him.”
“You’re not being thrown out on the mercy of the world, Father,” Gavin said patiently. “You’re going back to live in great comfort, in a place where I’ve no doubt you’ve got everyone running around after you.” The nurse’s hastily smothered grin confirmed this estimate. “I’ll come to see you soon,” Gavin added.
“Don’t bother,” William snorted. “I don’t need to see a failure.”
“Yes, I am a failure,” Gavin said quietly. “But not in the way you mean.”
“There’s only one way. You knew that once. But you let them get to you and rot your brains. You’re her son, all right.”
“I hope so,” Gavin said. “I’ve been yours for too long. But I’ve remembered enough to know that my mother would have been at home here. And she’d have loved Norah.”
“I won’t dignify that kind of pap with an answer. You’ve let me down. That’s all I care about.”
Gavin nodded. “It really is all you care about, isn’t it?” he asked. “I’m just glad I saw it before I did any more damage to my son. Goodbye, Father.”
“Get me out of here,” William told his nurse in disgust.
Norah came out to stand by Gavin on the front step and together they watched the ambulance depart. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be. I feel as if a load had been lifted from my shoulders. Come with me.” He took her hand and led her indoors to where the papers still lay on the table. “These are my copies,” he said, handing them to her. “Take care of them, and take care of Peter. But I didn’t need to say that. You look after him much better than I can.”
“I still don’t believe that,” she said quickly. “Now that you’ve come to understand so much, you ought to stay. Peter needs you.”
Gavin shook his head reluctantly. “I’d like to think so. If he’d shown any sign of opening up toward me…of even liking me…it would be different. There have been times when I felt we were beginning to get close, times when he smiled or we seemed to share a thought. But they were always isolated incidents. I never knew how to build on them. The fact is, I’m no nearer to winning his heart than I was at the start. He doesn’t want me, and I can do only harm by forcing myself on him.”
“But to leave now, when we-when we’ve only just-” she stopped, choked with misery.
“I know,” he said, with a pain that matched her own. “But I have to put Peter first. Maybe when he’s older you and I can find each other again. I’ll live for that.”
He drew her close to him and laid his lips on hers. They clung together, each wondering when they would be in the other’s arms again. “I love you,” he whispered, “but I have to leave now, while I’m still strong enough. Help me, my darling.”
She nodded and smiled bravely. They were each thinking the same thing, that they could be as strong as they had to be, for Peter’s sake.
“I’ve got a few things packed in an overnight bag,” he said. “I’ll send for the rest. Now I must go and tell him.”
He found Peter playing with Buster and Mack. “I’d like a word with you,” he said quietly.
Peter shut the pen door behind him and looked inquiringly at his father.
“I’ve come to say goodbye,” Gavin said. “I’m going away. You can stay here with Norah, and I promise I’ll never try to take you away from her.” He looked into the boy’s face for some sign of response, but Peter merely looked puzzled, as if nothing he was hearing made sense. “Do you understand? You’re safe. You can stay here for as long as you want.” He took a deep breath. “I haven’t been a good father to you, but I’ve tried. I want you to know I’ve done my best, and when I failed-it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I’ve always loved you, and I always will. But…” the next words were the hardest “…maybe Tony Ackroyd was a better father to you than I was.” He sighed. “I guess it was just too late for us.”
If there’d been a sign, a word, a look, he’d have changed his mind there and then. With an aching heart he waited for something that would give him hope, but Peter only stared at him, his face registering nothing. The hardest thing Gavin had ever done in his life was to kiss his son gently on the cheek, then turn and walk away.
Norah was waiting in the hall, her face full of hope, which faded when she saw him. He kissed her briefly before going out to the car.
She came to the front step to watch him, and after a moment Peter joined her. He stood completely still, his eyes fixed on his father. Gavin waved to them and paused a moment, fixing them in his mind, then opened the car door.
The next moment the air was split by an anguished scream. “DADDY!”
Gavin whirled around to see Peter standing there, tears streaming down his face. “Daddy,” he cried, “Daddy, don’t go, please.”
He couldn’t move. He could only stare in joyful disbelief at what had happened at last. Then he took a stumbling step forward. At the same time Peter began to run, leaping down the stairs to throw himself into Gavin’s arms. “Don’t go,” he pleaded frantically. “Stay with me, Daddy.”
Gavin picked him up boldly and looked into his face. “Is that what you really want?” he asked urgently.
For answer, Peter tightened both arms around his neck. Over his shoulder Gavin’s eyes met Norah’s. As she came close he freed an arm to enclose her, and the three of them stood ther
e, unmoving, for a long moment.
“I guess you can’t escape us,” she said at last. She took one of his hands, Peter took the other, and together they drew him back inside the house.
“This time you’re here to stay, my love,” she said, closing the door on the world. “Welcome home!”
LUCY GORDON
cut her writing teeth on magazine journalism, interviewing many of the world’s most interesting men, including Warren Beatty, Richard Chamberlain, Roger Moore, Sir Alec Guinness and Sir John Gielgud. She also camped out with lions in Africa, and had many other unusual experiences that have often provided the background for her books. She is married to a Venetian, whom she met while on holiday in Venice. They got engaged within two days. Two of her books have won Romance Writers of America RITA® Awards: Song of the Lorelei in 1990 and His Brother’s Child in 1998. You can visit her Web site at www.lucy-gordon.com.
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