Because I knew Jordan wasn’t going to stop harassing me until he got what he wanted. He’d changed his tactics now, using my mum as the intermediary. Not surprising, really, because Mum loved Jordan.
“He takes such good care of me,” Mum would singsong into the phone. Like the time he’d bought her a new car right after I graduated from high school. Or the time he brought her favorite meat pies before she left for work, and she told him to stay, get comfortable. He took that to mean kiss and cuddle me, willingness be damned. I shuddered hard, hating the memory, hating him. Jordan used money and gifts as a form of manipulation, but my mother refused to see that. Didn’t want to see my low-life scum of a step-relative for what he truly was.
He lived with her now, she’d said. After the incident in Perth that cost me my child and almost my life, she’d let him into her house, my old bedroom. That’s when I decided to leave the country for good.
I clicked my phone on and pulled up Noelle’s number. Anything to keep myself from reaching into my pocket and pulling out the bottle of pills.
Want to go for drinks tonight?
I forced my hand to open and withdrew it from my pocket.
I wasn’t going to give in. I wasn’t going to abuse my pills anymore.
Sure. I’ll text Maura. Noelle responded A moment later my text app beeped again. You up for a girls’ night?
Noelle knew all about Jordan and his sick obsession. She knew about my mother’s disbelief. She’d been the one to get me the position here after I’d called her to tell her I’d lost my baby. Noelle was my best friend, the woman who saved me from myself—as I would for her if she ever needed me to.
Much as I wanted to, I’d never told Noelle about Murphy. I wasn’t willing to share my stupid fantasy where Murphy slid his pointer finger down my nose and over my lips like he used to. Even after his lyrics, his womanizing, I wanted nothing more than to be tucked into his side in his bed. We’d rarely shared a bed because our moments together were few and much further between than either of us would have liked.
What was wrong with me?
Heading into the building, I took deep, even breaths. Time to let him go. He’d moved on—I had to, too.
I blinked back the building headache and swallowed down the tension-relieving and refreshing herbal tea in one suffering gulp. I double-checked my larger tote, which held my work ID, my wallet, and a variety of other important details, including my lunch, my passport, and the ring Murphy gave me just days before our relationship ended.
I pulled the slim silver band out and slid it on my finger. It wasn’t an engagement ring, but it was delicate and beautiful. Murphy had seen it from a shop window while we were strolling through Darling Harbor one of those long-summer afternoons.
He’d popped in and dashed back out, sliding the platinum band on my ring finger as he kissed me.
“It’ll feel even better when I do that officially.”
“What?” I’d breathed against his lips.
“You’re mine, love.” He’d raised my hand and kissed the ring and someone snapped a picture of us, there, so happy.
The picture changed my life forever.
I sighed, my throat convulsing as I tried to keep the memory fresh, hold on to the warmth in his eyes just another moment. Whatever. Time to move on.
Maura’s text back to both Noelle and me was immediate: If you’re buying, I’m drinking. Like a fish.
She would, too. Maura’s break from her last boyfriend a few weeks before still made me wince. She’d hoped to get married and he’d decided to move out and onward with an older woman. Not the stuff fairy tales were made of. Unless they were the original Grimm stories. I’d always hated those.
The day passed smoothly. I ate at my desk, as was my habit. I spent the afternoon eyeballs-deep in patients. It’s one of the things I loved best about my job, the ability to focus on their problems, their ailments, and block out all the messy emotions trying to pour over me. I jerked when Siggie, another resident in my program, told me he was leaving.
“What time is it?” I asked, blinking at the computer screen where I’d been finishing up some notes.
“Crap! It’s after seven. Gotta go, Siggie. See you tomorrow.”
I saved my work and grabbed my bag, sprinting from the building. I sped down the sidewalk, weaving in between late-evening commuters. One man tried to engage me in conversation for all of the four seconds it took to shove my earbuds into my ears. Greatest invention ever.
If the earbuds didn’t work, I’d fish out Murphy’s ring again. The band surrounding my finger was comforting, a lightweight tether. No—a bridge between this reality and my previous one.
I wasn’t sure how Murphy came up with the money for it. Cash was always short in those days, and I’d loved him most for his willingness to work hard and do without some of the youthful fun so that his mum was secure. He’d shared a tiny flat with his brother Jake, who was often sitting on the small, sagging couch, fiddling with some new bass beat.
Because both Murphy and I valued privacy, we’d spent hours walking on the beach. Our best dates included a visit to a small diner to share fish and chips. He’d talked about taking me out some place fancy. Like that mattered more than the attention he gave me. After growing up as I did, spending more time taking care of my mother than the other way around, I cherished Murphy’s desire to coddle me. He made me feel special, safe. I missed that.
I didn’t bother to turn on my music or even plug the earbuds into my phone as I hurried down the sidewalk. The point: getting people to ignore me so I could continue to ignore them. The man’s eyes lingered on my face before shifting down to my figure, trying to take my measurements through my sweater and long skirt.
Noelle wouldn’t let me dress in anything too baggy or form-concealing, stating my need for professional attire even at the hospital—though I did prefer a size-too-large scrubs and a knee-length lab coat over anything formfitting. She always frowned, pointing out I deserved to wear clothes that gave me confidence. She was both right and wrong.
I reached the door to the bar, my mind spinning, when someone called my name. A man. My heart began to pound and my hands shook. I turned my head in cautious increments, the need to be sure outweighing my desire to flee. I glanced up and down the street, quickly sifting through the men to find one with a similar build to Jordan, but didn’t see anyone I knew.
I exhaled in a harsh gust of frustration and fear. Mum couldn’t tell him where to find me because I wouldn’t tell her. She remained stubbornly stupid—if it didn’t fit in with the reality she wanted to live in, then it didn’t exist. Like Jordan’s stalking. Never mind the many times I told her about my discomfort or fear. I even went to my school counselor, but my mum simply waved it away, explaining my fatherless childhood led to this ridiculous need for attention.
So no one believed me, and Murphy’s mum was accosted because of it. All in the past. I was in Seattle—granted the population was much smaller than in Sydney—but no way Jordan could’ve found me so quickly. It was unlikely he’d find me at all.
After another long glance around, still unnerved, I stepped into the bar.
Maura waved me over to a table in the middle of the room. I slid into the booth and muttered an apology. She shook her head, smirking.
“Please. It’s all good.” She sipped from her gin and tonic and winked. “Some nice gentleman at the bar got me all settled in.”
“And how do you plan to pay him back?” I asked.
Her grin widened. “With a smile and a kiss.”
I rolled my eyes. Maura was my opposite—tall, with a model’s lean figure, heaps of natural blond hair spilling down her back, and piercing green eyes. The woman knew how to flirt and she knew how to work every inch of her long-limbed figure. I was her petite, dark-haired friend who preferred to remain unnoticed and dressed somewhere between a librarian and a church granny.
“Sorry I’m late,” Noelle said, bumping me with her hip. Her brown ringle
ts bounced around her head in a halo of thick corkscrews. She wore her hair long to keep the curls tamed—her words—but I’d never seen those ringlets as anything other than wild. A man glanced over, his eyes dipping to Noelle’s hair. Yep, his thoughts skewed to holding all that glorious hair in a fist while he did naughty things to her lush curves.
I smirked at the guy, whose cheeks brightened. He smiled, a bit sheepish to have been caught, and turned back to his date. Hell, I got it. I was a straight woman and understood Noelle’s appeal.
With a single glance, she pulled me tight against her side. I rested my head on her shoulder, thankful for my friend’s continued support. We’d met nearly seven years earlier when she’d spent a year at my uni in Sydney. She ran into me one morning, late to class. After doubling back to make sure I was okay, she’d bought me coffee. Since she’d missed her class, I made up for it by showing her around Sydney—the good parts tourists didn’t see. Years later, when I’d needed a place to land after escaping Perth, I’d called Noelle. She’d invited me to come stay with her without asking any questions, waiting until I was ready to spill the rest of my sordid secrets. Well, most of them anyway.
After a few shuddering breaths, I pulled back.
Noelle tucked my lank hair behind my ear. “You look terrible.”
“Been a rough couple of days.”
“The meds aren’t helping?”
I sucked in my lip. “I just started the script.” This bottle. I’d been on the meds before I even moved here, but I’d been too embarrassed to tell Noelle. As another health care professional, she understood the pills’ purpose, and she’d know that, over time, the effect from the original dosage could wear off. Still, I’d used the pills as a crutch this week, and that couldn’t be healthy.
“Alpie’s not helping?” The question was rhetorical and Noelle continued. “You’ll feel better after the show. Alpie’s been learning new soothing sayings.”
Alpie was my bird, a beautiful rose-colored Galah cockatoo. I’d connected with her at a bird sanctuary Noelle dragged me to a few months before when I refused more intense therapy. While Alpie wasn’t a service animal, she did provide emotional support, and she made coming home easier. I’d never liked the idea of living alone.
“What did you teach her?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“You’ll have to ask her,” Noelle said with a smug grin. “Good news is you’ll be much better able to sleep after the concert tomorrow. You can cocoon in that big bed of yours for a couple of days.”
There was a time, after I lost the baby, I wasn’t sure I’d ever leave my bed again. But eventually, after my depression abated enough, I craved the company of others. Problem was I couldn’t stand the idea of another man touching me intimately. A mistake, that. I should have tried harder to find someone, especially after I settled into my job with one of Seattle’s top OB/GYNs.
“You’re probably right,” I said with a sigh.
“What’s got you so peppy?” Maura asked, smirking at Noelle. She leaned forward and sucked on her straw.
“You won’t believe who I met today!” Noelle said. “Briar Moore. You know. The one who’s dating super-hottie Hayden Crewe from Jackaroo.”
I jerked, knocking Noelle in the leg, unable to control my body at the mention of Murphy’s band. Why did everything lead me back to thoughts of him?
Noelle pulled my hand up onto the table and patted it.
“No need to hate all things Aussie, Mil. Sure, you’re easier to understand now that you speak American, but even you have to admit those Jackaroo guys are talented and hot.”
They were. All of them. I only really knew Murphy and Jake, but Hayden and Flip appealed to the female population, too. After leaving Perth—and Australia—for the last time, I’d become a closet Jackaroo gossip junkie. Correction: a Murphy Etsam gossip junkie.
During way too many late nights spent crushed by Murphy’s man-whore ways, I’d learned interesting new tidbits about Hayden. He was an introverted man, but now he was stuck with the job of leading a band.
Best not left to Murphy anyway. He lacked the ability to organize and hated schedules. I frowned. Or he had. I used to be the one who prodded Murphy, getting him to work and his gigs on time, thrilled to be useful. But I hadn’t been there to help in a long time, and clearly, Murphy had changed.
The waitress appeared, asking, “Your pleasure?” which irritated me. Why did everything have to be sexual?
Maybe it wasn’t. Didn’t matter, though because Murphy didn’t want me. I was going to die, unsexed, unloved, still paying the price for trying to protect the only family that ever mattered.
“Vodka martini,” I said.
“Whoa! Bringing out the heavy guns, aren’t we?” Noelle said. “No need to go nuclear this early in the evening. I’ll have a gin and tonic. Light on the gin, real heavy on the tonic.”
I shrugged as the waitress left, unwilling to share my inner turmoil. Maura ordered another drink before she asked Noelle to dish on her meeting today. She wrapped her pretty pink lips around her straw as she made eye contact with a guy across the bar. She winked before turning back to us.
“So Briar Moore wants to start a counseling program for families of cancer patients. Especially those with low chances of recovery. She received some private grant from a patient and met with the cancer chief to discuss possibilities. She’s super nice. Not at all what I expected.”
“What did you expect?” Maura asked. “And is she pretty? Some of those pictures the paparazzi took when Hayden ditched her weren’t flattering.”
“She’s gorgeous. She has these blue eyes that just kind of catch you up in them. She’s taller than me and in extremely good shape. And, man, can she listen. Like all her focus is on you. It’s intense.”
Maura snickered as the waitress set down our drinks. I snagged mine, taking a big gulp.
“You’re a little in love with her,” Maura said.
Noelle shrugged. “I might’ve been if Hayden hadn’t shown up. That guy rocks. In every sense of the word. He oozes music and raw sex appeal.”
I took another gulp and motioned to the waitress to bring me another. She nodded.
“What’s up, Mil? You’re quiet and slurping down liquor faster than Maura.”
“Hey!”
“What?” Noelle said. “You know you drink too much.”
Maura glared, pushing back her drink.
“I thought I heard Jordan calling my name just as I came into the bar.” I shivered. To cover it up, I downed the last of my drink.
“You’re coming home with me tonight, shug,” Noelle said, eyes filled with concern.
“Tell me more about Crewe. I want to hear about his intense hotness,” Maura said, throwing her straw across the table at Noelle. It hit me in the hand and I picked it up.
“He’s the front-liner of the band,” I said. “He and Murphy used to split singing duties, but the fans like Hayden’s voice better so he’s taken on the front-man spot. From the current reports, that’s caused tension in the ranks. My guess is Murphy feels threatened, especially since his song catapulted them into super-stardom.”
Both Noelle and Maura gaped at me for a long moment. The waitress dropped off my drink, eyeing us with concern, before either of them shut their mouths.
“You know the members of Jackaroo?” Maura asked.
My gaze fell to the table top. “No, I knew Murphy Etsam. He was my boyfriend.”
“Holy fucking shit!” Noelle’s eyes were wide. “How didn’t I know this? He’s the Murphy you left because of Jordan?”
I snatched up my fresh glass. I nodded, miserable. I sipped my drink. The vodka felt like gasoline as it slid down to my stomach.
“Wait! Oh my god!” Noelle shrieked, and all the heads in the bar turned toward us. “You’re the girl. You’re ‘She’s So Bad.’”
I set my glass down with exquisite care. I both hated and loved that song. I hated that Murphy thought that of me. I loved that he’d loved
me enough to pour all his feelings into a song.
Noelle wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, Mila. You’re nothing like the girl in that song.”
“But I am. As far as Murphy’s concerned, I am that girl. Some of the lyrics are from the note I left him. He wanted me to be sure I knew he’d written that song about me.”
“I’m missing something,” Maura said, leaning in. “You dated Murphy Etsam from Jackaroo? The super-hot, broody, man-whore lead guitarist?”
I nodded.
“And his song, the one that made the band an international phenomenon, is about you?”
Again, I nodded, my throat too clogged with emotion to speak. Noelle petted my head.
“Give me more than that,” Maura moaned.
I licked my lips. “He loved me,” I sighed, willing my eyes not to tear. “But then Jordan . . .” I pulled the ring from my pocket where I placed it earlier, needing the false sense of security it gave me. I slid it on and off my finger, debating whether I wanted to wear it or just hold it.
Noelle gripped my hand, her eyes focused on the simple silver band. “I’ve never seen you wear a ring. Wait, Murphy gave you this?” she asked, her voice full of sympathy.
“Yeah, about a week before I broke up with him.”
I didn’t drink often. My experience with Jordan taught me to be ever-vigilant.
Only with Murphy did I ever give over and have more than one drink. I knew he’d keep me safe. And he did. Until I let him go.
“Why?” Maura prompted.
Noelle squeezed my arm. She knew what came next. I placed my other hand on top of hers, watching it shake.
“The stalker found me again.”
“Step-uncle,” Noelle said.
I shrugged, dropping my hand away. “He’d lived with us for a while when I was in my last year of high school and my mum insisted I call him Uncle Jordan.”
Seattle Sound Series, The Collection: Books One to Five Page 53
