She nodded, head still bent over our hands.
“Stay in the car. I'll help you out,” I said. I hurried around, unsurprised when Evie ignored me. “Your ability to listen is impaired.”
“Whatever. Come on. I've missed Paige,” she said.
“You love this independent woman thing.”
“It's not a thing. It's part of who I am. I'm a woman, and I'm capable of taking care of myself as I have been for over a decade. Me doing so means you can be lazy and not hold the door or give me your arm or pay for all of a date.”
“Sometimes you should accept help.”
“Like you do?” she asked, brows raised.
“You two sound like an old married couple,” Marcy said from behind us. “You sure you only met a couple of weeks ago?”
“How's our little patient today?” Evie tucked a thick hank of hair behind her ear. Like I didn't notice her reddened cheeks. I smirked, making sure she saw it. She narrowed her eyes.
“Why are you out here?” I asked, saving Evie from further embarrassment. Though why I did, I couldn't say. I used to love watching Jenna squirm. But with Evie . . . I had to step in and help her. Like I did by easing an arm low on her hips, careful with her battered ribs. I'd seen them earlier when she’d asked for my help getting dressed. Her skin was soft, pale, and covered in bruises. I wanted to kiss each one as I inhaled that rich, minty scent so unique to Evie. She smiled up at me before leaning into my side, taking advantage of my ability to support her.
“I'm just getting in. I had to take my son to the dentist. Three cavities.” She sighed. “Last time I take anyone's word that they're doing the things I ask…” Marcy nibbled her lip. “So you know, I called in on my way here. Last night was rough. Paige woke after you went home, Kai, and she asked for Evie. When we reminded her Evie was no longer at the hospital, she flipped.” Marcy winced. “Took over an hour to calm her down.”
Evie pressed her fingers to her lips. “I should have stayed.”
“Your insurance wouldn't have covered it,” Marcy said, always the pragmatic nurse. “You aren't her guardian or anything. She's not your responsibility.”
Evie faltered, her face paler, while Marcy marched on.
“What?” I pitched my voice low enough so Marcy couldn't hear me.
“N-nothing.”
“Evangeline, I do believe you're lying to me.”
Evie looked up at me, indecision smeared across her face, darkening her eyes. Sure, she was beautiful, more so now that all the scabs had healed. She had a scar high on her temple, near her hairline. Right now it was jagged and bright pink, but over time it might fade. Either way, Evie exuded loveliness, as much from inside as her outward appearance. I liked looking at her. More, I liked talking to her, being with her. Simply put, I liked Evie. A lot.
Just as she seemed ready to speak, Marcy shouted, “Doors are closing!”
Evie shuffled forward, leaving me little choice but to follow.
“Did you hear anything about the potential adoptive family?” Evie asked once we were settled in the elevator.
“I didn't get to meet them,” Marcy said. “Sue should still be there. But my guess is that Paige is still out of it, thanks to the drugs. Why don't you ask to be in on one of Sue's interviews if you're that interested?”
“Can we do that?” Evie asked, glancing between us.
I shrugged. The child protective services weren't something I knew much about. Guess I was going to have to learn. Pronto.
The doors opened and Marcy led us through the next set of doors. Paige's wails bounced off the walls the closer we came to her room.
“Oh, no,” Evie whispered, her face even paler than it had been before.
I concurred. Much as I wanted to break into a run, Evie wasn't up for that speed. We made it to the door faster than Evie probably should move. Paige sat on her bed, her face buried in her sheets. Sue stood to the side, her hands wrapped around her waist. The adoptive couple wasn't there.
Hadn't they shown up?
Sue's eyes were glassy when she met my gaze. Evie disengaged from my side and sat on the edge of Paige's bed. She touched Paige's hair. The little girl threw herself into Evie's arms. I stepped forward at Evie's grimace, but she shook her head. She dropped her cheek to Paige's crown and the two of them snuggled in together.
I stood there, at a loss. How could I help?
“They want Paige,” Sue said. Her voice was clipped. Her mouth settled into an unhappy line. “I don't have a good reason not to let them pursue the adoption. Except . . .”
“What?” I said, running my hand through my hair.
Evie lifted her head, intent on the conversation.
“Paige doesn't like them,” Sue said. “She wouldn't engage at all. I'll put that in my report and will tell Paige’s court-appointed guardian ad litum, but my boss thinks this is a slam dunk. We can start monitoring immediately and get Paige adopted in six months or less.”
“I have my foster care certificate,” Evie said.
Shock reverberated through me followed immediately by a wave of awe. She'd told me she felt responsible for Paige's parents' deaths, but fostering a kid . . . that was a lot of responsibility. Something she was willing to take on just because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“If I can get Marilyn to sign something, saying she'll help me, would you consider me as an alternative?”
Sue twisted her hands, her face pained. “They want to adopt her, Evie. That's better for the department and the state.”
“Even if it isn't better for the child?” Evie shot back.
Sue drew herself up. “I'm working my best option.”
I tipped my head toward the door. “Can we talk to you?”
Sue nodded.
“So why's Evie off the table?” I asked once we were in the waiting room.
Sue sighed. She rubbed her forehead, and I'd bet an ache built there. “I have an older, established couple who knew Paige's parents.” She gestured to Evie who’d settled in the chair on my other side. “Evie's twenty-six, completing her graduate coursework, and without a permanent job. She didn't even know Paige a month ago. You think she's the better choice?” Sue's voice rose in exasperation.
“Yeah, I do. Because Paige and Evie have connected. And I'll help out.”
Sue scoffed.
Resentment bubbled up into my chest. I slammed my teeth shut and forced my fists to relax. “You do realize I care about that little girl in there, right? That I want her happy and healthy?”
“Then let me do my job. It may not seem fair to you right now, but Paige is still processing what that means for her—and it's not going to go well once the reality of her parents' deaths hits her. This isn't going to be a cake-walk where you can play guitar whenever you want and hang out in a hospital room some of the time. Paige needs support and structure. You don't offer either of those, no matter how much you care about her.”
My mouth gaped for a moment as if she'd slapped me. For some reason, even when my mom treated me like dirt, ignored me, or made me feel less than my brother, I'd fallen back on Sue's support. Except it was as much of a mirage as my mother's acceptance. “You think I wouldn't be able to do the best by Paige. That's what this is really about.”
Sue laid her hand on my shoulder. “Not true. I know how much you cared about Marcus, getting him well. I saw you sacrifice your money and time for him. But this is a little girl. Someone you don't know well, and you’re making a snap decision, which will impact the rest of your life. Raising a child isn’t a whim—”
“What if I adopt her?” I asked. “I have the money—our last album’s doing really well. I can provide for her. Buy a house, do all the financial stuff.”
“Kai, look at me,” Sue said.
When I met her gaze, hers was flat, nearly broken. At least she wanted to tell me yes. At least there was that.
“You’re a single man who’s graduating college in a few months. You don’t know what you’r
e saying. And you’re going to tour the country all summer. Touring with a band is no place for a child, and no matter how little boozing you and your bandmates do, I can’t condone that type of lifestyle for a little girl. Not when I have a stable couple who wants to take her into their home.”
Evie shoved her hands through her hair. “So if I was married or had more money, a bigger place, then I’d be a contender?” Evie’s tone was bitter. “Or if Kai was a woman or older than twenty-three. This is both ageist and sexist.”
Sue dropped her head forward. “I know the situation seems unfair to you. Paige isn’t going to like it right now either, but, in the long run, finding her a stable, suitable family is best for her.” She turned on her heel and walked back toward the room where Paige was still sobbing.
As if the conversation with Sue weren’t enough, my phone rang just as I pulled out of Evie’s apartment parking lot. My mother. She never called me. I answered with trepidation, my heart skittering a frantic beat.
“Hello?”
“I need you to come and clean out Marcus’s room.”
“What?” Whoa. I turned right onto the next street and immediately parked at the curb. “Why?”
“I’m selling the house. I don’t want to have any more reminders of the good I’ve lost. That you caused me to lose.” Mom’s voice was low, full of so much vitriol I was surprised my ear didn’t melt from the contact.
Maybe because we were related, and she knew me on some visceral level, but whatever the reason, however she did it, my mother’s words cut deep.
“If you don’t come now, I’m going to let Big Brothers, Big Sisters take it all.” Mom devolved into sobs before she clicked off the phone.
I stared at my blank screen, unable to process what she’d just said. Nothing came to mind. Ignoring my shaking fingers, I shifted back into drive and started north toward Bellingham.
A flash of Marcus staring down the barrel of his gun popped into my head and my stomach heaved. Not my big brother, always so steady and sure. I needed him to be that still.
But he’d come home broken, and I hadn’t helped him enough, and he hadn’t been willing to help himself.
I made good time getting to the house. I leaned my head back against the seat rest and blew out the stale air and accusations my mother made. A few minutes later, there was a knock on my window. I turned to see Mr. Buchanan standing beside my car. I opened the door and climbed out onto dead legs. “Is my mother there?”
The pause was long as he looked down at me with sad eyes. “She left. Here’s the key to the place. This is grief, Kai. It’s ugly and hurtful but it stems from her grief.”
“Are you supposed to tell me this?” I asked.
“I hate seeing you both hurt as you do,” he said. “Marcus was a good boy, but his demons destroyed him.”
“Why? Why did his fears have to take over his mind?” This was the question I couldn’t reconcile. Because of Marcus’s choice, I might as well be alone in the world. Part of me hated him for orphaning me even as the rest of my heart mourned his death.
“Sometimes there is no good why. Just a whole pile of steaming horseshit no one can shovel out of the way.” He laid his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I called Sue. She’ll be home in another hour and she’ll help us clear the place out.”
“Thanks, Mr. Buchanan. Though, I’m not sure I’m up for another round with your wife today.”
Mr. Buchanan’s eyebrows pulled tight over his prominent nose. “She told me about that. Not an easy day for you, son.”
“You can say that again.”
Mr. Buchanan’s sigh was as thick as the lump in my throat. He shepherded me up the stairs and waited until I unlocked the door. “You care about that little girl?”
I sucked in a breath to get the courage to cross the threshold, but now I turned to look at him. Mr. Buchanan and Sue opened their home to me many afternoons when Marcus was at baseball practice or hanging out with his girlfriend. I’d been a gawky middleschooler who just wanted someone to care about me. They had. Being angry at Sue wasn’t going to re-write our past. In some ways, she was more of a mother to me than my own.
“I really do,” I answered, needing to be honest with this man who’d played catch with me on Saturday afternoons, who’d taken Marcus and me to the Bay so we could paddle around in his kayaks. “Helping Paige…it’s redemption.”
His eyes darkened and his beetly brows wiggled with concern. “Not sure I like the analogy there, Kai.”
“I couldn’t save Marcus. I have no relationship with my mother. But Paige…she’s so young. I can help her. I have to.”
7
Evie
Kai stepped into the coffee shop just as I was about to close. His face still dripped with sweat and his T-shirt was plastered to his broad shoulders and that flat, hard stomach.
“Hey,” I said. My voice was squeaky, because he looked way too good for having just exercised. I hadn’t seen him in three days, and I’d mourned every day that passed without seeing those mesmerizing eyes and sweet smile.
“Back at you. Why are you here by yourself?” He scowled.
“I sent Henry home. He has some test he was moaning about, and I couldn’t take his dramatics anymore. See, I’m flipping the closed sign now.”
“Want some help?” He asked, dipping his head toward the mop bucket.
I smiled and shook my head. “Nah. I got this. How about your delightful company?”
“I don’t mind helping you. Let me handle the heavy stuff, at least. It can’t be good for your lung and ribs.”
I went around the counter, poured some boiling water over freshly ground beans, then plated a slightly stale muffin. I set them at a table in the corner, out of the way, so I could continue to wipe everything else down. “I’m not an invalid. And I don’t mind cleaning. It’s therapeutic.”
“Huh, haven’t heard that one.”
“That cleaning is good for your soul?” I smiled as I ran the mop over the fake wood floor. It gleamed wherever the mop had been. “I like the order—that I can see the results of my work.”
Kai cast a dubious look at me. He pointed to the freshly mopped floor. “Cleaning doesn’t stay.”
I leaned my hip against the mop handle. “What does?”
He looked back down at his muffin, crumbling it between his fingers, a frown building between his eyes. “Not much.”
“So that means I should stop trying?”
“It means everything is a lot harder than I thought it was when I was little.” He shrugged. “Than I thought it was even a couple of years ago. Bad shit happens.”
Unsure how to respond, I pushed the bucket back behind the counter toward the storage area. When I returned, Kai had dumped his trash and cleaned his mug and plate. I set them in the dishwasher in the back.
“Anything else you need to do?” His voice was hopeful.
His eyes were glazed and the skin under them was smudged with shadows. He leaned back against the counter, crossing his arm across his black T-shirt. I wanted to be that shirt, clinging to his pecs and rubbing across his abdominal muscles. Great. I’d been able to keep my attraction to Kai in check, more of a philosophical, who-wouldn’t-want-him type of deal. But now . . .now I struggled with the desire because, really, craving his touch, his emotional connection wouldn’t do me much good. When I had a relationship, it was going to be the healthy, mutually respectful kind my mother hadn’t had with any man, including my father—a man I’d never met.
I wasn’t willing to settle for less than a partnership.
And Kai…Well, he didn’t seem prepared for a relationship. Period.
Sensing Kai hadn’t just stopped by for a jolt of caffeine and baked goods, I asked, “What’s up? Not that I’m not glad to see you, but you’ve never dropped in before.”
His eyes darted around the place, his lips and chin firmed. I walked closer, laid my hand on his arm. The muscles there were tensed, as if he was waiting for a blow. Or to flee.
I rubbed my thumb over his forearm as Marilyn used to do for me when she’d stop by my house to check in on me. Not too personal but enough to offer some comfort.
“My mom’s selling the house. I mean, that’s cool…” He blew out a breath and sniffled. “She said if I didn’t go by and clean out Marcus’s room, she was going to toss or donate everything.”
My heart broke for him. I hadn’t been given the choice about my mother’s house either. She’d inherited the small bungalow from her parents, and I’d wanted that type of continuity—at least the opportunity to get used to its loss before the sale went through.
“I’ve gone by the last few days trying to figure out what to do with Marcus’s life. I mean, his gear, photos, and memorabilia is all that’s left of him. If I give it all away, then how will I remember him?” He swallowed and when he spoke again, his voice broke. “I’ve spent more time there, trying to do right by my dead brother, than I have in class or with Paige.”
“You don’t need to worry about your schedule. I’ve been to see Paige. She’s doing fine.” Physically, she was doing well—really well. Emotionally, she wasn’t as strong, and I worried about the long-term mental impact.
“I want to help her.”
I stepped closer, needing to offer my physical presence as much as my emotional support.
“I can’t let something bad happen to Paige,” Kai whispered, his voice breaking on the horror of the words. “I can’t, Evie. I need to keep some faith in the world.”
I wrapped him in my arms, and he dropped his cheek against my hair, his nose pressing to my neck as he snuffled.
“I want to fix things for her. I couldn’t for Marcus. I can’t bear to see that level of devastation in Paige’s eyes. What if…what if Paige stops believing in goodness, too?”
I tightened my hold as his shoulders shook in his effort to hold in the emotions. After a long moment, his shaking lessened and he inhaled sharply through his nose. I waited for him to pull back, unsurprised to see his cheekbones flagged with bright red, and my heart melted at his red-tipped nose and his dry, blood-shot eyes. Men, kings of suppressing emotions.
Seattle Sound Series, The Collection: Books One to Five Page 103
