by Laurèn Lee
The weekend I moved into my dorm room, my dad had a terrible fall after he helped me unpack and drove home. He’d hit his head hard enough to lose all consciousness and function. Laying him to rest had been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life. I thought I’d feel lost without him, without a strong man in my life; that was until I met James.
James played football in college. He’d earned a scholarship for his athletic performance in high school. He was popular and the “big man on campus.” Girls fell over him, and his friends wanted to be him.
I, on the other hand, had never had a boyfriend. In fact, I was a virgin until I met James. I never cared much for dating and boys while growing up, even my dad had encouraged me to try to meet a boy. No, I wanted to save the world, one tortured mind at a time.
James loved the idea of being with an intelligent girl. He’d had his turn with all the sorority girls, the cheerleaders and the slutty burnouts, but a smart girl? It was safe to say we swept each other off our feet.
He proposed on Graduation Day, and we were married less than a year later.
After college, we moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment downtown. It was cramped, and we had mice for roommates, but it was ours. On the weekends, we’d stay in bed all day, making love and eating takeout. It was as if we were living inside a 90’s rom-com.
James found an entry-level job at a construction firm. He worked as the company’s accountant in training. I had to go back to school. This time, I entered medical school, and also took my psychologist certification, one step closer to becoming a psychiatrist and counseling those in need.
During this time, James and I suffered our first bout of distance in our relationship. We were no longer on the same level; I was furthering my education in med school, while he was working a rather boring “9-5”. I think he may have been jealous of my desire to become a psychiatrist. I believe he envied my intellect and determination.
As I continued my education, James continued to rise within his company. He graduated from the accounting lackey to the finance manager. Once again, he became the big man on campus. It was after this promotion when our relationship began to heal, and we grew close once again.
James was a man’s man, and he couldn’t stand to be anything other than the best of the best. I believe he secretly felt stronger than me again, too. I was still a student, while he moved his way up the ladder of a well-known company.
Still, we loved each other very dearly and grew fonder of each other daily. He still loved my desire to help people and couldn’t wait to tell friends and family that his wife was a doctor.
I couldn’t wait to call myself a doctor, too. I worked my ass off in med school and pulled more all-nighters than I could count on both hands. Like I said, I wanted to be the best and nothing would stand in my way.
James threw a party for me once I graduated med school and surprised me with a beautiful Tiffany’s necklace laced around my diploma. It was perfect. The party ended, though, as they always do. School was over, but my training was just beginning. I entered into a prestigious residency program at a mental health facility downstate. It was a few hours away, but I absolutely couldn’t turn it down. And so, our relationship suffered distance again. Only this time, it was physical distance.
I rented a studio apartment across the street from the facility and began my residency. Four years was a long time, but I made sure to visit James on the weekends. Or, sometimes, he’d surprise me on a weekday, if I had off. It was difficult, but we made it work.
We always do, or rather, we always did.
3
Evening Herald
Body Found on River Bank
Officials say a body was found in the Evergreen River early Saturday morning.
The body, fully-clothed, was spotted by a jogger, who immediately phoned police informing officers of his discovery.
A city Harbor Unit successfully recovered the body. However, the body was unable to be identified as no wallet or form of identification were found on the deceased.
An autopsy will be conducted to determine the cause of death, although the body appeared to have a blunt-force trauma to the head.
The police department is asking for any person with information to come forward and alert authorities at once.
4
Present
Lucas walked away from the open window, put his hands on my chair’s armrests and hovered menacingly over me. He stood so close I could see the blood pumping through the vein in his neck. His nose nearly touched mine. His cologne wafted through my nostrils again and I could feel his breath against my cheek. He licked his lips and I felt the sudden urge to put my tongue against them, too.
“You felt alive?” My voice quivered slightly.
“Oh, yes. More alive than I’d ever felt.”
I could still feel his warm breath on my face. My reflection shone brightly in his eyes.
“Lucas,” I said.
“Delilah?”
“You’re too close.”
Come closer.
His smile stretched across his face.
“Please accept my apology,” he said as he backed away and resumed his position in the chair opposite me.
“It’s fine.”
“Would you like me to continue?”
“Yes, we still have forty minutes left in our session.”
Lucas glanced over at the clock and nodded.
“Do you want to tell me about your parents?”
“What is there to tell?”
“What did they do? What were they like? Did they treat you well growing up?”
He didn’t answer right away. He furrowed his brows and began playing with his beard again. I could almost hear the gears clicking inside his head. Meticulous. Calculated. Thinking.
“Delilah?”
“Yes, Lucas?”
“Do you think I’m a monster?”
“Monster? No. Although it seems to me, there may be a monster within you.”
Lucas nodded.
“They say my case was the case of the decade, did you know that?”
“I do believe I heard it referred to as such.”
“My lawyer performed brilliantly,” he said. “If I were found guilty, I would have been given the death penalty.”
“There’s no death penalty in this state, Lucas.”
“I would’ve been given solitary confinement for the rest of my life. That’s as good as dying.”
“Are you afraid of being alone?”
“No. I’m scared of being trapped.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?” He looked at me, annoyed. “I’m sure you have a perfect little life outside of these four walls.”
“You assume wrong. My life isn’t perfect by any means. No one is. I feel sometimes trapped, too.”
We locked eyes, and I could feel the intensity of his stare deep in my bones. He terrified me. He inspired me.
“How did you avoid prison, Lucas?”
“As if you don’t already know, Doctor.”
“Humor me.”
“My lawyer used an insanity defense.”
“What? I thought your lawyer —.”
“See? I knew you followed the case!” He smirked.
“Guilty. But, I’d still like to hear it from you, if you please.”
“Very well then. My lawyer constructed a brilliant case. He told the jury I was abused by my parents my entire life. And when I could take it no longer, I had a psychotic break and imagined killing them. However, someone else had done the deed.”
“Were you abused?”
“I said I was.”
“But, did your parents abuse you?”
“Does it matter now? I’m free.”
“Well, you’re not totally free,” I reminded him.
“Yes, I know. I have to see you.”
“I’d say that’s a fairly favorable outcome for someone who claims they murdered their parents and got away with it. Wouldn’t you
agree?”
“I got away with murder, and now I get to spend my free time with a beautiful doctor? Yes, I agree.”
He winked and I blushed.
Damn it. Keep it together, Delilah.
“Do you have any favorable memories of your parents?”
He chuckled, “I suppose there is one good memory I have.”
“Go on.”
“They took me to the beach when I was little. They let me play in the sand, swim and even bought me an ice-cream cone from a quaint shop on the beach. We spent the entire day together, as a family.”
“That sounds lovely.”
“Or, maybe it was an amusement park they took me to? Or, a circus? Maybe they bought me cotton candy instead of ice cream? Maybe it was my nanny who took me after all?”
I sighed, now realizing he was playing games and he continued to smile, revealing his perfectly bleached teeth.
“Listen, I understand you are required to be here, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work together.”
“Oh, there are things I’d like to work on,” he said, narrowing his eyes.
I felt flush again. He was looking me up and down like a predator eyeing up his next meal.
“Lucas, please.”
“Are you asking for it, now?”
My stomach tightened, and I quickly shook away an inappropriate image trying to invade my head. All I could think about was this man taking off my clothes.
“I don’t appreciate where this conversation is going. I am your doctor, and you are my patient. That is all. Do you understand?”
“That sounds rather dull, don’t you think?”
“Why don’t you tell me something real about your parents?”
“Something real? Okay, here’s something,” he paused.
I sat there, quiet and expectant, nervous about what he was about to say.
“I wish I could bring them back to life so I could kill them all over again.”
“So, you did kill them? Or, you think you did?”
“Having trouble keeping up, huh? Maybe we should talk about something else, then?”
“I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from, Lucas.”
“You need to know whether I killed my parents or just think I did?”
“Yes, it would be helpful to know the truth about what happened that night. If you did kill them, I can help you recover and work on rehabilitation. If you believe you did, I can help you figure out why your mind would create such a violent memory.”
“Well, maybe I didn’t kill them.”
“Okay —.”
“Or, maybe I did.”
I signed heavily.
“Maybe I don’t want to know either way.”
5
Past- Two Years Ago
Despite our quarrel last night, we needed to pretend we were a happy couple as we met a group of friends for dinner and drinks.
On Fridays, I only had morning and afternoon appointments, so I didn’t need to rearrange my schedule to suit our plans.
“Doing anything fun this weekend?” Jennifer asked.
“Yes. James and I are going to dinner tonight with some friends.”
“Any place special?”
“Le Verre Joli.”
“The new place over on 4th Street?”
“That’s the one!”
“I’m jealous; I’ve been trying to get reservations for months. How did you get in?”
“The owner’s wife was a friend of mine during residency; she was able to reserve a table for us as a special favor to me.”
“Sounds fun. Have a martini or two for me!”
“Maybe I’ll have three.”
I winked to my lovely receptionist, grabbed my leather suitcase, and left my office.
_
“James, I’m home. Are you almost ready?”
“Yeah, just a minute,” he called out from upstairs.
I heard a large thunk and squeezed my eyes tightly closed.
Please don’t be drunk already. Please don’t be drunk.
“Are you okay?”
James sauntered into the kitchen sporting a new blazer and tie.
“Yes, just tripped,” he snickered. His eyes were glassy.
“Okay, well I need to have a quick shower and change. I won’t be longer than a half hour.”
“Sounds great,” he slurred, opening the chestnut cabinets in our kitchen for a new glass.
“Maybe wait until dinner, sweetheart?”
“I'm all right, Delilah. I don’t need a babysitter.”
Ignoring his jab, I kicked off my heels and scooted upstairs to hop into the shower. I delighted in the luxury of hot water massaging my back. I hoped tonight would be a good time; we hadn’t been out in ages. I also hoped James wouldn’t embarrass me. Who knows how many drinks he had already had and it wasn’t even dusk.
Grabbing my towel, I eased out of the shower and gingerly stepped onto the bathroom rug. I could hear ESPN blaring from the sixty-four-inch downstairs. I tiptoed to the banister in the upstairs hallway to see what James was doing; he was drinking his gin straight from the bottle.
Guess he couldn’t find a clean glass.
“James?” I called out.
“Yes, dear?”
“I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”
“Whatever you say.”
Shaking my head, I stalked into my bedroom and put on the sheer black dress I had laid out for myself this morning before work. I grabbed chunky leather wedges from the closet, put on a diamond necklace James had given me for our anniversary last year and looked at myself in the mirror. I also slipped my watch back on, fingering the personal engraving before clasping it shut.
“With love, James.”
My long brunette hair cascaded over my shoulders, flowing with volume, and my steel-blue eyes seemed tired. I needed some more concealer or an eye lift. My breasts seemed perkier in my new dress, though and I couldn’t help but smile. Even if my husband was too smashed to notice, at least I knew I looked good, for the most part. Who said getting older was so bad? I was rocking my late thirties.
I grabbed my clutch and a new Chanel lipstick and carefully stepped down the stairs into the living room.
“Ready?”
James looked up and saw me standing there, at the foot of the stairs.
“Wow!”
I ostentatiously spun around to show off my new dress.
“You look beautiful,” my husband said.
It had been a very long time since he’d complimented me.
I picked up my keys from the table where I’d left them and nodded toward to the door.
“I can drive,” James offered.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” I crossed my fingers, hoping he wouldn’t challenge me. I didn’t want to fight about his sobriety before we even stepped foot into the car.
Luckily, he let me drive, and we both got into my car to head to dinner with our friends. We were meeting two other couples at Le Verre Joli, and I couldn’t wait to step inside the brand-new restaurant.
One couple, Joannah and Daniel went to medical school with me. She was an OBGYN, and Daniel practiced general medicine. I was grateful to work so close to them as many of my friends from school left the city and state altogether. Joannah and Daniel shared their practice on the same avenue as my office. Knowing they were only a few blocks away brought much comfort when I had first opened my practice.
The other couple happened to be mainly friends of James. James worked with the husband, Marcus, and the wife, Louise, was a stay-at-home mother of their three children. I got along with them well enough, but we didn’t always have much in common. Mostly, they just talked about their kids, and I smiled politely, waiting for them to stop. It never did, though.
I knew James envied Marcus for being a father and I had caught him staring a handful of times at his children during work picnics in the summer. Marcus had everything James wished he did; he had a family including children and a l
oving wife.
When we had moved into our new house, after I had opened my psychiatry practice and paid off all of my school loans, James begged me to host a housewarming party. I didn’t have the time or patience to host, but I couldn’t deny James’ desire to show off our new digs.
We had invited both couples, Joannah and Daniel and Marcus and Louise, to the party. We ended up all hitting it off and planned monthly group dinners at a new restaurant each time. The couples would take turns choosing the new location and this time around was our turn.
James and I arrived at the swanky restaurant, which had only opened the previous weekend, and we had the valet park our car. James held out his arm for me to grab on and I did so willingly. Maybe tonight would be fun after all.
Our friends had already been seated, but stood up graciously to greet us before we sat down as well. Hugs and kisses were all exchanged, and James and I took our places.
“We thought you’d never get here!” Daniel joked.
“Traffic is crazy in this neighborhood,” Joannah mentioned.
Our waiter, dressed in a tux, came over to take our drink order.
“Madame?”
“I’ll have a cosmopolitan, please.”
Before waiting his turn, “I’ll have a gin and tonic, Monseeer,” James exclaimed.
The waiter politely nodded his head, but I could see the contempt in his eyes.
“It’s Monsieur, darling,” I corrected James quietly.
“Potato, Puhtato,” James said, causing everyone to erupt with laughter. Little did he know, we weren’t laughing with him, but rather at him.
James and I held hands at the table and he often looked lovingly over to me when I spoke. We were excellent at keeping our marital problems a secret from our friends. I was positive no one had ever suspected we were unhappy or arguing constantly. Just because we had to suffer through our problems, didn’t mean we wanted our friends to bear witness, too. It was our little secret.
