by Laurèn Lee
“Goodnight, Lucas.”
“Goodnight.”
I watched Lucas disappear through the window pane on our front door. Then, I trucked upstairs to bed, to lay beside my sleeping husband.
That night, I’d barely slept at all and when I did manage to doze off, images of elephant statues, red hair and unborn children floated in and out of my consciousness. I kept waking thinking I’d heard the sound of a woman screaming or a baby crying.
I’m losing it.
Just as the birds began to greet the dawn, I popped a Xanax and fell into a dreamless sleep, finally.
“Delilah! Wake up! Wake up!”
“Hmmm?” I rolled away from James, mentally cursing him for trying to wake me up in such a barbaric fashion.
“She still hasn’t returned my calls or texted me back!” James cried out.
“Tired,” I mumbled.
“Delilah, wake up!” He shook me violently ending any chance I had of falling back asleep. The clock showed it was seven o’clock am.
“I’m up. I’m up. Get off me.”
James backed off, and I saw the panic in his eyes.
“Give me a minute to wake up and we will go look for her, okay?”
He nodded and rubbed his temples with his trembling hands. If I hadn’t known any better, I would still be dreaming. It would be a nightmare. Wife helps desperate husband begin a search party for his knocked-up mistress. Yes, that’s a nightmare for sure.
I slowly pulled myself out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. In a flash, I remembered what happened last night in my kitchen. I remembered Lucas, touching me all over, caressing every part of me, reaching what could only be described as nirvana.
“Why are you smiling?” James asked frantically.
“Oh, um, I just have a good feeling we will find Helena safe and sound. She probably forgot to charge her phone or something. Remember how forgetful I’d been when I was pregnant with Lola? I would’ve forgotten my head if it wasn’t attached.”
“Yeah, I remember. Can we leave in a few minutes?” James asked in earnest.
“Fine. Let me brush my teeth quickly and grab my purse.”
James paced around our bedroom, now biting his fingernails. He seemed lost in thought. Maybe he was thinking about all the horrible scenarios that could’ve happened to Helena and their child. Maybe he’d already become a father.
Just as I was coming down the stairs, I heard James obnoxiously beeping the car horn outside.
Jesus, it’s not even eight am.
I stepped outside, and he continued beeping. I glared at him with fire in my eyes, and he stopped immediately.
“You’re going to wake up the neighbors, James.”
“I don’t care. Ready?”
“To see if your mistress is home safe and sound? Why not? How else could our lives become any stranger?”
He ignored me, stepping on the gas as though a drag race had begun. Neither of us spoke as we drove out of the suburbs and into town. I’d spilled my coffee a few times, thanks to James’ spectacular driving and I hoped it wouldn’t stain my favorite Nike tee shirt.
“This is it,” James said, parking the car on the street in front of a large, swanky apartment complex.
“So, what? Were you going to move into one of these tiny apartments to raise your child?”
“We hadn’t planned anything. Plus, why do you care? You are the one wanting a divorce, remember?”
“Hmm, yeah. I wonder why I’d ever want that?”
“Whatever, I don’t want to argue. Let’s go up.”
“How are we going to get in, James?”
He jingled a set of keys in front of me. Of course, why wouldn’t he have a key to Helena’s apartment? We took the elevator up to the ninth floor, and I noticed James’ head glistened with sweat.
“You’re nervous, aren't you?”
“You could say that.”
We stepped out of the elevator and James nearly sprinted to her door. He plunged the key into the lock, and I heard a click as he pushed open the door.
“Helena? Helena? It’s James, sweetie. Where are you?”
I nearly vomited into my hand but rolled my eyes instead. However, I stepped in after James as he went from room to room to check for his bonnie lass. Dishes piled up in the sink left a stale odor in the air. Clothes, shoes, and magazines littered the floor like a sorority house. It appeared as though my husband was leaving me for a seemingly teenage slob.
“She’s not here!” he panted.
It grewdifficult to continue playing dumb. I knew exactly where Helena was and yet I had to pretend to be completely ignorant to the fact.
“Maybe she went for a walk?”
“No, she never exercised.”
I had to stifle a snort.
“Maybe she’s at work?”
“Good idea, I’ll call now!”
James took out his cell phone and dialed Helena’s work number, which he had to have known by heart. I watched my step, unaware of what kind of dirty surprise may be lurking under one of the many piles of trash lying around.
“Hi, is Helena Woodruff there? This is her friend, Jay.”
Code names. Cute.
“She hasn’t been to work yesterday or today? Have you heard from her? Yes, I know that’s very unlike her. I’ll try calling back later to see if anyone’s heard from her. Thanks.” He hung up. “Fuck!”
I walked over to my husband and forced him to sit down on the tattered couch next to us. “James, breathe.”
“I can’t I—I— I need to know where she is!”
“Breathe. Like this. Inhale and exhale. Count to ten.”
Surprisingly, he listened to me, and his breathing began to come more under his control.
“That’s better!”
“Should we call the police?”
My heart sank, “No!” I said hastily. “No. It hasn’t been a full twenty-four hours yet. I believe it has to be a full day of someone being missing for the police to file a missing person’s report.”
“So, I can call tonight if I don’t hear from her?”
“Yes, you can call later.”
“Thank you for coming with me. I know this must be hard for you.”
“You have no idea, James. You have absolutely no idea.”
43
Present
“Good morning, Dr. Hedley!”
“Morning, Jennifer. How was your weekend?”
“It was good. We started our bridal registry at Bed Bath & Beyond, rented a couple of movies and ordered take out!”
“Fantastic. Let me know if you need any tips. There were tons of things I registered for we didn’t need and tons of others I wish I had registered for.”
“Perfect, thank you!”
I never understood how Jennifer could be so chipper in the morning. Without my coffee, I felt like Oscar the Grouch.
“The office looks immaculate, by the way! Did you stay late on Friday to clean?”
“What?” I asked confused.
“Look, everything is spotless!”
Lucas.
“Oh yeah, it was nothing. Had some time to kill.” I mentally cursed myself for using that terminology.
“Your first appointment is at ten o’clock. I’ll buzz you when they arrive. I believe Lucas has the first appointment.”
“Thank you, Jennifer. As always!”
I stepped into my office and leaned back, exhaling, against my door. She didn’t suspect anything, or at least, she didn’t act as though she did. Maybe we’d get away with murder after all.
I had about forty-five minutes until Lucas would come for his session. I had no idea what we’d talk about, or what we’d do for that matter. But, just in case, I wore black lace panties and a matching bra. I glanced over at my wonderfully framed doctorate, and wondered, only for a second, if this was all worth it. I helped people become saner in my office, and here I was, unraveling and feeling insane.
_
�
�Doctor,” Lucas addressed me as he bent down to kiss my hand. “How are you on this spectacular morning?”
“You’re in a good mood,” I pointed out.
“It’s hard not to be whenever I’m with you.”
“You’re too smooth for your own good, Lucas.”
“How did the rest of your weekend go?”
“Oh, it was fine. James ended up calling the police to submit a missing person’s report. He nearly cried all Sunday.”
“What a twat,” Lucas chortled.
“You know, I don’t know much about you, Lucas. Even though we’ve had several appointments thus far,” I said, changing the subject.
“There isn’t much to know.”
“I don’t believe that. I’d like to know you better. I mean, know you more personally.”
“Is this because we fucked?” he asked, bemused. “Are you turning into one of those lovesick teenagers wanting to become soul mates and all that garbage?”
He’d wounded me with his accusation. But, was he on to something? Did I think we’d become boyfriend and girlfriend or something simply because we’d slept together?
“I’m asking as your therapist. If the court asks for my assessment of your mental state, I need to provide more information than I’ve gathered thus far.”
Did I convince him?
“What would you like to know?”
“Let’s start with reading. Do you read often?”
“I like to read the newspaper articles about death and destruction, does that count?”
“Lucas, I’m serious.”
“As am I.”
I huffed a breath of annoyance, unsure if we’d make any progress today at this rate. But was I genuinely surprised? Lucas never was an easy patient.
“I like to read poetry,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yeah, and I like to write. I have notebooks filled with ‘em,” he admitted.
“That’s wonderful! I’d love to read some.”
“I don’t think you’d enjoy them, Doctor.”
“Why is that?”
“They are about murder.”
“I see. So, it’s been something you’ve thought about for a long time?”
“I’m always thinking about it. Aren’t you?”
“Am I always thinking about murder? No, of course not,” I smiled politely.
“You’re telling me you didn’t get a rush out of watching the life leave that woman’s eyes? You didn’t fantasize about doing it over and over again?”
Had I enjoyed murdering Helena? Had I reveled in watching Lucas end her life? I wasn’t so sure what I thought anymore. Nor, was I sure this was a normal conversation between doctor and patient. But, seeing as how we both had knowledge of the murder, maybe it wasn’t so abnormal. Neither of us could turn each other into the police. He was a murderer and me, the accessory.
“Did Friday night mean anything to you?”
“In regards to —?”
“I mean, did you feel anything, when we, you know?”
“Delilah, you’re acting like a love-stricken little girl. It was just sex, that’s all.”
“Understood.” How could a man I barely knew, a known murderer, break my heart like this? Wasn’t I supposed to be the intelligent doctor, here?
“But it shouldn’t stop us from doing it again,” he smirked.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Lucas.”
“Why not?”
I stood up, frustrated and infuriated. The anger had hit me like an oncoming train.
“You’re supposed to be my patient. I’m married!” I shrieked.
Lucas stood and walked over to me. I held my arms out, signaling for him to stop, to stay away.
“Come here,” he requested soothingly.
“No, stay right where you are.”
“Delilah, you’re being silly.”
“Am I? Am I being silly for thinking maybe we had something here? I’ve risked everything. My license, my practice, and you just threw it all back in my face like what we had meant nothing to you!”
“You think too much; you know that?”
Tears tuumbled down my face. I wanted to hurt him back. I wanted Lucas to feel my pain. Misery loves company, right? Instead, I let him kiss my lips. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve pushed him away. He didn’t want me the way I wanted him. Why couldn’t I be strong for once in my life? I’d let James walk all over me for nearly our entire marriage, and now I was letting a psychopathic murderer manipulate me.
“Is that lingerie I see?”
“I wore it for you,” I said.
“I like,” he said, licking his lips.
“I think I need some more therapy, Doctor. Will you help ease my pain and suffering?” Lucas didn’t wait for a response as he undressed me.
Down the rabbit hole, we’d go, again.
44
Present
James and I ate dinner in the living room, something we promised each other we’d never do. We always said we wanted to have dinner at the table, as a family. However, we weren’t much of a family these days. He still hadn’t heard from Helena, and it had been a couple of days since he filed the missing person’s report.
The news had been on in the background, but we moved the lasagna around on our plates, not speaking.
“Breaking news!” one of the on-air anchors declared seriously. “A body has been discovered in the river right outside of town. Officials aren’t sure of the identity of the victim, but they have announced it’s a female and she is in-fact dead.”
James dropped his fork and knife leaving a ting to assault my ears in the quiet living room. I knew what he was thinking. After years of knowing someone, you almost have a direct line to their inner thoughts and feelings.
“James, relax. It’s not her. Don’t worry,” I began. Shivers ran down my spine, though. I knew it was her.
“How do you know for sure?” he asked, quivering, still staring at the news’ footage.
“I don’t know for sure, but we’ve got to have faith everything is okay. I’m sure she’s all right.”
“This is her, Delilah. I just know it. I can feel it.” He left his place in front of the TV and stormed out of the house without saying another word.
“Delilah?”
“Hi, James. What is it? I’m at the gym.”
“They know.”
“What? Who knows? What are you talking about?”
My pulse skyrocketed.
“The police. They know I was having an affair with Helena. They asked me to come in for questioning.”
I hopped off the treadmill, trying to understand James through his panic. “James, slow down. Did they arrest you? Where are you?”
“I’m in my car outside the police station. I’m about to go in. I think they think I killed her!”
It didn’t take long for the police to identify the body as Helena’s. James had been overcome with grief in one moment and looked completely numb and catatonic in others. I don’t think he actually believed what had happened yet. He was still in the denial stage.
“Take a deep breath, James. You didn’t hurt her. You have nothing to hide. Just answer their questions, be open and upfront about everything.”
“What if the news finds out it was me?”
“That’s inevitable now. It will leak that there is a potential suspect.”
“What will people think? What will our friends think?”
“Honestly, you probably should’ve thought about that before you started sleeping with another woman, James.” I heard whimpering on the other end of the line. “Go inside. Everything will be okay.”
“You said that when she went missing,” he reminded me. “You lied.”
“I tried to remain optimistic for you. I didn’t want you to worry until there was something to worry about.”
“Is now the right time to worry?”
“Go inside, James. And call me when you’re done. If they try a
nything tricky, call our lawyer.”
“Won’t that make me guilty?”
“No, it could save your life.”
I knew James had nothing to worry about. He didn’t kill her. So, unless the police wanted to frame him, he’d be fine. We were each other’s alibis if the medical examiner could nail down a general time of death. And, who wouldn’t believe a successful, intelligent psychiatrist? If anything, my providing an alibi would make us both look less guilty. I mean, if he had killed her, as a scorned wife, wouldn’t I oust him as soon as possible?
I hopped back on the treadmill and tried my best to forget about everything. I wanted to forget about James. I wanted to forget about Lucas. I wanted to forget about Helena.
I hadn't heard from James for several hours after our phone call. I tried my best to push it out of my mind. After the gym, I cleaned up in the private locker room and decided to take a trip to the mall for some retail therapy. It was about the only therapy method I trusted at this point. The only trouble I could get into at the mall would be spending more than I needed to.
Mindlessly, I popped in, and out of stores I often frequented. I went into The Loft, Banana Republic, Lord & Taylor and more. I needed a distraction. I needed to take my mind off everything happening in my life. But, despite every effort to escape, I couldn’t help but try to analyze myself. How did I get here? How did I let myself get here? I knew better, and yet, here I was, trapped between an abusive, cheating husband and a man who may very well be manipulating me. Had Lucas been playing me all along? Had he used me to murder someone else? He practically got away with the first one, and now he’d get away with the second. Was Lucas even capable of having feelings for me? Or, was he for all intents and purposes, a real psychopath?
“Miss? Are you going to buy that?” the cashier asked me as I stood daydreaming at the counter.
I looked down, not even aware of what I had taken to the counter. It was a navy suit, something similar to what I already owned. I couldn’t help but wonder if Lucas would like it.
