‘What do we do?’ she whispers, giggling nervously.
‘I don’t know,’ I whisper back. I can’t think straight.
I wrap the towel around my waist and signal for Ava to stay put. Ever so gently I open the door and walk out of the bathroom and shut the door behind me and take two steps into the hallway. Susan comes out of their bedroom with a washing basket.
‘Hey kiddo.’
‘Hey!’ My voice comes out way too loud.
‘How was your day?’
‘Good. Yeah, good.’ But my brain is flashing up these quick images from this afternoon that make my stomach tense and my whole body blush.
‘School good?’
‘Good. Yeah,’ I sound like a cave man. Me Gideon. Naked girl in shower. Mum. Embarrassing.
‘This is your stuff,’ she says, walking towards me.
‘I’ll take it.’ Damn—too enthusiastic. ‘I can do it. Yeah. I’ll put it away.’ Now I appear to be mimicking a robot.
‘Okay.’ She hands me the basket, looking amused. ‘What do you want for dinner?’
‘I don’t. I dunno,’ I mumble as she turns and starts walking back up the hallway and I am very, very aware that there is a very naked girl in our bathroom.
‘I’ve got to do some work so I’ll just be in my room,’ I say.
‘Okay.’
She walks down the stairs, completely oblivious to the fact that her only son is no longer a virgin. That he’s had sex. In her house. Within the last hour.
I wait till I can hear them in the kitchen then I go back to the bathroom. I open the door and Ava stands there with the towel wrapped around her body, her hair swept back off her face, saturated, wide-eyed, but smiling. She starts to laugh. So I start to laugh. I put my finger to my mouth as I grab her hand and pull her towards me. I kiss her and wrap my arm around her waist, pushing her in front of me but still holding on to her as we tiptoe together back up the hallway towards my room. My heart is racing.
‘Gids, how’s Chinese?’ Susan’s head appears at the bottom of the stairs. She has a clear view of Ava and me. We both freeze. I slowly turn and look at her, my jaw clenched tight as I wait for her reaction.
‘Oh.’ A small sound of shock. ‘Oh.’ More purposeful.
‘What?’ Mum appears behind her, because this situation clearly isn’t awkward enough. ‘Oh.’ Then: ‘Hello, Ava.’ She says each word slowly.
‘Hello,’ Ava smiles and grabs my hand.
Kill. Me. Now.
‘So, we just need to talk about it,’ Mum says, ripping the bandaid off the tension that has seethed ever since they caught me and Ava naked in the hallway. Ava went home—she got dressed, apologised profusely and bolted all in about 12.5 seconds—while I waited in my room pondering if I actually needed to see my parents ever again.
When finally Susan yelled Dinner I went down and we all ate in silence in front of the TV.
But once the plates are cleared Mum flicks off the TV and announces that the conversation I’ve so been dreading is in fact about to take place.
‘Do we, though?’ I put my head in my hands and lean my elbows on my knees.
‘Yes. Yup. Um-mmm, yes we do,’ Mum gabbles.
‘This doesn’t need to be awkward.’ Susan grins and rests her hand on the fireplace. Mum and I both stare at her like she’s deranged. ‘We just need to talk about some boundaries and about safety,’ she adds, smiling even wider.
She is loving this. Susan, like Annie, is not backward in coming forward. She sits very comfortably in awkward places and nothing fazes her at all. Whereas Mum and I have the same flight response when anything is uncomfortable, and recoil like an AK-47 at the slightest whiff of conflict.
Susan doesn’t lie. Ever. So, any time you ask her a question you have to be prepared to get an honest answer. Like the time I was in Grade 4 and Annie was in Grade 6. Annie asked her what a dildo was. I was not prepared for her answer. I will never be prepared for her answers. Whereas with Mum you get a more floral approach, lots of metaphors and blushing. When I was sick their contrasting approaches worked at different times. Mum telling me I would be okay and it was a battle we could fight and win; Susan telling me to take my tablets or else and that she was hiding all of the sharp things in the house in case I wanted to cut myself.
Susan starts. ‘We need to talk about the responsibility that comes with sex. Consent. Protection. Pregnancy—’
‘Diseases,’ Mum adds.
‘Oh god,’ I murmur.
‘And this right here, mate—if you can’t talk about it then you shouldn’t be doing it. You and Ava have got to talk about this stuff,’ Susan says, gesticulating madly.
‘Okay. We are. Do. We will.’ I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just trying to stop it before it gets any worse.
‘Good. Okay. It’s okay.’ Mum is red like a beetroot. ‘Sex is like a flower.’
‘What?’ Susan says, laughing.
‘I’m just—oh god,’ Mum mutters.
‘Thing is,’ Susan goes on, ‘I don’t know how I feel about you having sex in the house.’
‘Suse,’ Mum says under her breath.
‘What? I don’t. But then I don’t want you to go and do it somewhere else. Do you have condoms?’
‘Yes,’ I squeak.
‘Gideon!’ Mum squeals.
‘What?’
‘That means you’re actually doing—’ Mum stops herself and Susan chimes in.
‘Okay. Good. That’s good. You made good choices.’
Mum pats my leg and stares wide-eyed at Susan. When will this end?
‘Do you actually have condoms?’ Susan says.
I quickly interject, ‘Yes, I bought them.’ The last thing I need is a trip to Woolies with my mothers to buy condoms. I can just picture the argument in the aisle about which brand is best for durability and ethical production…Besides, what would either of them know about buying condoms?
‘Okay,’ Mum exhales.
‘Okay.’ Susan nods.
‘Okay,’ I sit back in my chair, relaxing a little. Surely this is done now?
‘I think we should talk about the vagina,’ Susan smiles enthusiastically.
‘Suse!’ Mum cuts her off.
‘Is it like a flower?’ I ask, and Susan cracks up while daggers shoot from Mum’s eyes.
‘It’s nothing like a flower, mate,’ Susan says, and I laugh.
‘More like a box of cereal?’ I smirk.
‘Like a Tahitian waterfall,’ Susan says.
‘Great, now you’re both taking the piss out of me. Excellent.’
‘Sorry Mum.’
‘Just. Be a…Be kind. Girls are nervous too. Just make sure she’s…’ Mum trails off, unsure what to say.
Susan cuts in: ‘Make sure you’re both having fun.’
‘Okay. Are we done now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Thank god.’
They tell me they love me and I feel all levels of embarrassed, giddy and weird. I then think about how weird that must’ve been for them and I feel grateful that it was over quickly and that they didn’t say anything too dumb. I take a moment to predict how long it will take for them to tell Annie and when she will call; I predict ten hours.
Two days. It takes two days for Annie to call. She was on the back end of a trip in Marrakech and didn’t get Susan’s message until she landed; then she called straight away. She gives me a heap of shit and makes me high-five her hand on the screen.
‘This is the most brilliant thing ever.’
‘Me losing my virginity?’
‘No. You being sprung. I can’t believe I’m not there. Mum will not be coping.’
‘She’s not, and Susan is thriving. We were watching a movie last night and she pointed at the actress and asked if I would, and I quote, “go her”.’
Annie loses her shit and starts laughing uncontrollably, loud and open-mouthed.
‘What did you say?’
‘I said sure, and guess what she sai
d?’ I can feel my face blushing even now as Annie waits, wide-eyed. ‘She said, “That’s my boy, I would too.” She is using all of this as an excuse to make everything about sex. She’s obsessed.’
Annie is crying and panting with laughter. I tell her about the weird sex-ed chat and eventually I tell her about Ava, she asks questions and I answer and she seems genuinely happy for me. I’m genuinely happy for me.
The last few weeks have become a blur of lovely moments and kissing. I decide to do what Gideon would do and write a list of my top five so I can remember them.
1. MUSIC AND BED
I feel like so much of the time that Gideon and I spend together, the times that I love the most, are when we are just hanging out, lying on either of our beds, listening to music and talking. Not even talking about anything too deep. Being together, making each other laugh and making out. The more comfortable Gideon feels around me the more interesting I find him. He’s so smart and knows stuff about the world and politics and he has opinions about world issues that I know nothing about. Music is so important to him, or lyrics, mostly. We’ll spend whole nights with him playing me his favourite tracks, pointing out his most favourite lines. I love his brain.
2. WALLFLOWERS AND BRIDESMAIDS
Gideon made me watch Perks of Being a Wallflower, it’s his favourite book.
‘Is this where you got the idea to write me a letter from?’ I asked and he nodded. I’m so glad he did. We ate an entire roll of pre-made cookie dough and sobbed through the end. It felt weird to cry about something that was external from me, but I saw so much of Gideon in the movie.
I, however, made him watch Bridesmaids because it’s mine and Kelly’s favourite movie. If that right there doesn’t highlight the stark contrast between Gideon and me then I don’t know what will. He laughed, a lot. But he laughed in different bits to me and Kel. It was weird. But I like that I can talk to him about her.
3. BOYFRIEND
Gideon is a hand-holder. If my hand is near him he will hold it. I like that about him. We have been spending all of our free time together, holding hands. We both go to school and then end up at each other’s houses in the afternoon. If we’re rostered on at different times at Magic Kebab the other comes and hangs out. We spend all our weekends together.
It was natural to assume that this was an actual thing between us, but we hadn’t talked about it. One afternoon we were at my house and my Yiayia called. I put her on speaker so Gideon could hear her talk. Her accent is really thick and she gets words wrong and I find her really funny. We were just chatting and Gideon listened intently, raising his eyebrows when she said amusing and racist things and laughing at her quietly as she waffled on about her day, my Pappou, my cousins, things she’d cooked and when Dad and I were coming to visit. She asked me what I was doing and out of my mouth fell the words, ‘Yiayia, I’m just hanging out with my boyfriend.’ Gideon stared at me. And my mouth flew open. Boyfriend, he mouthed laughing.
‘Oh, a boyfriend, Ava, you too young to have a boyfriend,’ Yiayia sneered.
‘No, Yiayia, he’s nice, you’ll like him.’ I could feel my cheeks blush and Gideon grabbed my hand and held it.
‘Is he a good boy?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is he smart?’
‘Yes. He’s a writer, Yiayia.’ He kissed my hand and I shook my head. So embarrassed.
‘Ohh. Is he white?’
‘Yiayia!’ I yelled, shaking my head at her, and Gideon cracked up laughing. See? I mouthed to Gideon. She’s so inappropriate.
‘What? I like to know about this boyfriend. You send me a picture on the mobile.’
‘Okay. Love you.’ And after she’d sung me the chorus to You Are My Sunshine she hung up.
‘Your boyfriend, huh?’ Gideon smiled, smug.
‘Well, aren’t you?’
‘I don’t know. Am I?’
I rolled my eyes at him. ‘Yes,’ and the biggest smile swept across his cheeks.
‘Will you be my girlfriend, Ava?’
I shrugged and he grabbed my shoulders in his hands, getting close to my face. ‘Yes. I suppose.’ I smiled as he kissed me.
4. ICE-SKATING
We decided to go ice-skating because Gideon had never been and I thought it would be fun. I was wrong. Neither of us could really get the hang of it and we’d either cling to the edge or each other, which was a terrible idea, because we’d just end up making each other fall down. We spent most of the time lying on the ice, entangled, laughing at the other trying to get up. Gideon’s legs are so long that he looked like a baby giraffe trying to stand for the first time.
At one point on the ice, Gideon looked at me and said, ‘When we were little Annie told me this story about a kid who went ice-skating and fell over and some other kid skated over his fingers and chopped them all clean off.’ He then re-enacted how he’d skated for the rest of that trip with his hands tucked in to his body up against his chest. We both tried to stand up like this and a Year 8 kid who worked at the rink had to skate over and tell us to leave. We were bruised, wet, shivering and laughing hysterically. It was the best, worst date ever.
5. THE FORMAL
I will never forget how Gideon asked me to the formal. He’d been acting weird all afternoon, and had said we weren’t allowed to go in his bedroom because his parents had just had the carpets cleaned and they were drying. He kept ducking off for long periods of time. Eventually he came back, took my hands and said: ‘I have a surprise.’
We walked up to his room and he stood behind me and covered my eyes with his hands as he pushed me forward into the room.
There was some lovely song playing on the record player and when he took his hands away from my eyes he’d hung fairy lights from every surface of his ceiling and walls so his room had turned into this glittering paradise.
He nervously started to pace, grabbing a rose from his desk and handing it to me. ‘Am I meant to get down on one knee?’ he asked and my heart stopped beating for a second before he shook his head and started to ramble.
‘I know it’s an archaic gendered rite of passage where people put all this pressure on one night to be perfect, and they spend all this unnecessary money, but I thought that maybe…if you wanted to wear a nice dress…or maybe not a dress, that was presumptuous of me, you can wear whatever you want. We could. If you wanted to. You can say no because I wasn’t even going to go anyway and you and I could just hang out and do something else.’ He stopped himself and I laughed at him. ‘Ava, do you want to go to the formal with me?’
‘Nah,’ I said.
‘Oh, good. I’m glad that’s cleared up.’
Then I touched his face with my hand.
‘Of course I’ll go to the formal with you.’
‘Do a spin,’ Annie says in the screen, as I stand back and show her my suit. ‘You look so handsome,’ Annie squeals.
‘Thanks,’ I mutter.
‘You look good, Gids.’ Annie smiles knowingly. I feel good. Things are better than good. They’re fucking golden. School is so close to being finished I can almost taste it. I have a girlfriend. I’m okay. Everything is okay. Except for one thing I’ve been thinking about a lot.
‘There’s one more thing,’ I say. ‘I’ve written her a poem.’
‘You have? Read it to me.’
‘No. It’s embarrassing.’
‘Please?’ Annie puts her hands under her chin, smiling sweetly.
‘Fine.’ I protest but I was secretly hoping this would be her response. I want to get her advice about whether I should give it to Ava at the formal. I reach over for my notebook.
‘Don’t laugh.’
‘I most definitely will not laugh.’
I take a big breath, I’m already blushing, and start to read.
you make me write love poems when they’ve only ever been sad / I wish I could’ve pre-empted you / armed myself with a paper and a quill / cause I don’t ever want to miss a moment with you / I want to write pages and pages / a who
le PhD, cause my thesis would be clear / I just want to become a master of you, dear.
I can see nothing but the drape of your hair / the weight of your stare / electricity in your touch / you are so bright / your smile, too much / too much for this poet to comprehend / to find the right words / for you.
i’ve been reading poetry like its coming into fashion / trying to match words to this passion / sylvia wrote a mad girl’s love song / shakespeare a glove upon that cheek / blake wrote about love in winds and how for her he’d seek / e.e wanted to carry your heart / but none of their art / compares to words I have / for you.
and it’s exactly as they say / and not right at all / even the greatest poet couldn’t describe the depths of this fall / for you.
I slowly look up at the screen and all I can see is Annie’s watery eyes staring back at me as she murmurs this giddy ‘nawww’ sound.
‘It’s lame, isn’t it?’ I ask.
‘Not even a little bit. It’s beautiful, Gids.’
‘Really? Do you think it’ll freak her out?’
‘I don’t know. Do you?’
‘Maybe a little. I don’t know how she feels. I know she likes me. A lot. But, love. It feels pretty big to tell her. I don’t know. I think it’s too soon.’
‘You’ll know when, the moment will happen. Don’t stress. She must really be something.’
‘She is amazing.’
‘Oh, little brother, I’m so happy for you. I’m also sad, because this means my plan of getting you over here is never going to work, is it?’
I shake my head.
‘Damn it,’ she mutters as the screen freezes and her face distorts. The messenger window pops up.
Internet is being weird.
You are amazing.
Be brave, little brother.
Love you.
Being brave would mean telling Ava how I feel. What have I got to lose? Apart from everything.
I swish the fabric in my giant skirt. ‘You look beautiful,’ my Dad smiles, taking photos on his phone, and I feel it. When Gideon sees me he blushes a little but doesn’t say anything. I’ve actually made him speechless. I should straighten my hair and wear a push-up bra more often. His mums shake hands with my dad and we stand awkwardly as they take their photos and we smile.
Beautiful Mess Page 17
