“Either way, I hope she is okay and pulls through.” I mean that, I really do. I don’t know Mrs. Clarington, and from the outlook of things, I probably never will, but it’s sad to see something like this.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I don’t even have to look and I know that it Sasha. Again.
Things are looking bleak. Please come see her. They don’t think she’s going to make it.
As the sirens start up again and the ambulance takes Mrs. Clarington away, I shudder, thinking of my mom in the hospital, possibly taking her last breath. If Mrs. Clarington were a bad mother, would her children want to say goodbye? Would they mourn her death and be sad at the loss of their mother? Or would such a tragedy instead be a blessing in their eyes, free of all of her wrongdoings and harmful ways?
Months ago, before any of this happened, Sasha told me I should work towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is freeing, she said. How can I offer forgiveness to someone who hurt me so badly? Do I want to have some sort of closure before it’s too late? And if I try, will I succeed?
The ambulance turns off the block, and all of my neighbors retreat back into their houses. They rejoin their families and I’m sure will spend the next moments of their lives discussing what they just witnessed and how much they mean to each other, how each day isn’t guaranteed. I live every day of my life lately despising my mother and wanting to hold onto my anger towards her. Do I want us both to be at peace with each other before I no longer have a chance?
The truth is, I don’t know.
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
After a very eventful weekend, Shannon invites me over for Jake’s birthday on Tuesday. I haven’t heard a word from Sasha, so I assume there hasn’t been a change with my mother. Keith landed a job, so he’s keeping pretty busy too. I’m glad I can spend the evening with Shannon and her family and celebrate Jake’s birthday. At least it isn’t mine.
Jake is into video games, like any boy his age I’m sure is, so I went to the easy route and picked up a gift certificate to Game Stop. This way he can pick out whatever he wants, especially considering I have no idea what games or even what gaming system he owns. I don’t doubt he’ll be happy with the $100 gift card.
I arrive shortly after they finish dinner, but right before cake. “Happy birthday, Jake!” I give him a big hug as I walk in the door and he pushes me away.
“Auntie Cassie, I’m too old for hugs.”
“Maybe you just don’t get this then.” I hold up the envelope with my card and the gift card inside. He tries to snatch it from me, but I go in for another hug. When he finally gives in and lets me squeeze him tight, I hand him the card. “Enjoy.” He takes off into the other room.
“Thanks for coming. Even though he doesn’t show it, it means a lot to Jake.”
“Of course. I had to clear my busy dating schedule, but I fit it in.”
“Are you still dating both those guys?” I follow Shannon into the kitchen so she can put the candles on Jake’s cake.
“I never was dating Lucas, but I am dating Keith now.”
“When did this happen?”
“Yeah, when did this happen?” Ben touches my back and offers that as a hello.
“Ben! I haven’t seen you in such a long time. How are you?” He rests against the counter next to me. I think he’s gained a few pounds since the last time I saw him, and I can now confirm I’m not the only person I know turning gray.
He shrugs. “I can’t complain.” He and Shannon exchange glances, and I can’t quite interpret this secret code in their eyes. “I wanted to say hello. I’ll let you gals get back to it.”
“I’m sure there’s a football or basketball game or something on.” Shannon picks up the cake and sets it in the center of the table. “Give us five minutes and we’ll blow out the candles.”
Ben exits the room with a salute to his wife. The vibe in the kitchen makes me shiver, but before I can say anything, Shannon is on me again about Keith. “Tell me! Details!”
“There isn’t much to tell. We went out the other night, and I really like him. We’re going to see how this goes.”
“Oooh, Cassie may get married.”
“Um. No. We’re both in agreement on that. But, I think it may be time to give this commitment thing a try.”
“Good for you!” She searches the drawers for something, slamming them open and closed. “I have no clue where the lighter is.” In a matter of seconds, she’s gone from happy to aggravated. I’ve never seen her this way before. “Anything new on the Sasha front?”
This is her roundabout way of asking about my mother. “She won’t stop texting me. My mom is in the hospital with pneumonia.”
“Is she going to be okay?” She finds the lighter and sets it on the counter.
My eyes glaze over and everything becomes a blur. “She tells me no, that I should go see her and possibly say my goodbyes.”
“Cassie … I … I don’t know what to say.” She puts her arm around me, but I barely feel it.
“There’s nothing really to say.”
“Are you okay?” Her hand cups my shoulder and she gives it a squeeze. “Do you want me to go with you to see her?”
“I don’t think I’m going.”
As fast as she put her arm around me to soothe me, she drops it and places her hands on her hips. “You’re not?” Her tone is condescending, judgmental. “How can you not go?”
“Easy.” I slap the counter with my hand and move to the other side of the kitchen, leaning against the refrigerator. ”I just don’t go.” I cross my arms against my chest, making my stance on the subject known.
“I know I said this before, and obviously, it went in one ear and out the other, but you need to go see her.”
I push off the fridge and begin pacing the room. “No, I don’t. You have no idea how I’m feeling inside. My mom abandoned me my whole life, and now because she’s on her deathbed, I’m supposed to forgive her?”
“Yes! At least go see her. Your mom had a disease. She was addicted. Whether or not you believe it, or want to believe it, the fact remains that she did, and does, love you. The drugs got a hold of her. But now she’s clean and wants the last opportunity with her daughter. Don’t you think she deserves that?”
I’m staring at Shannon, this perfect mother in my eyes. She loves her kids more than life and would do anything for them. Birthdays, Christmas, sports, school events, she’s there for it all. Her mom was there for all of her big parts of life, too. Mine wasn’t even there for the little ones. “I don’t know if she deserves it. I didn’t deserve anything I was given in life.”
She steps in front of me to stop my pacing. “Yes, you did and you do. No, you didn’t deserve a shitty childhood, but despite that, you managed to get through it all. You’re successful and a great friend and a wonderful person. Show her that. Show her that despite her shortcomings, you came out a wonderful human being. Let her die knowing that she wasn’t a complete failure, despite what her actions may imply.”
She’s shaking me and I’m letting her. I want to cry, but I can’t let the tears come out. I think I lost my ability to cry years ago.
“Damn it, Cassie, I would give anything to have my mother here. If anything, do it for me.”
Sometimes I resent Shannon, and everyone else I know who had a mother in their lives. Why was I the one to be put through all this hell? Why did I have to stand through all these tests? Why couldn’t it be easier?
She lets go and turns her back to me, pressing her hands onto the counter. “Ben and I are going to marriage counseling. I’m not sure we’re going to make it.”
I never realized it was that bad between them. The weird looks in the kitchen before, the awkward exchange between them, that’s why. They’re one step closer to losing each other. She swings around and points her finger at me. “But do you know what? At least we’re trying.”
Her face is reddening and any minute now she’ll burst into tears. She’s fighting to k
eep everything she has, and I’m trying my damnedest to let go of my past. Forgiveness is freeing. Forgiveness is freeing. These words keep haunting me. Maybe it’s time to wake up from my nightmare.
“If I go see her — if — will you get off my back?”
A tear falls from her eye and she smiles. “You’ve got a deal.”
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Basketball isn’t one of my favorite sports. Next to golf, it may be the most boring sport on television. When Keith suggested we go on Wednesday night, I thought why not give it a try live? The atmosphere of a live sporting event is much different than on TV, and I want to share something he loves.
The BMO Harris Bradley Center is busier than I expected, though the seats aren’t filled to the max. This isn’t like a Packers game where unless you’re a season ticket holder or willing to pay out the ass to get tickets you’re not going. Seats are still available the day of, and great ones at that. But Keith got the tickets from a client so while I don’t mind the nosebleeds, I’m not complaining about the lower level. We’re only about five rows back from the floor, so it can’t get much better than this.
We arrive at our seats, each with a soft pretzel and a beer. My tray is almost overloaded with cheese. I always request extra. Cheese is the best. The best. I guess that’s how you know I’m from Wisconsin.
I balance the food on my lap, stiffening my legs and wiggling my butt on the hard seat. How long is a basketball game? About two or three hours after half time and all the breaks? My backside will probably be numb by the time this is done. I look over at Keith and he smiles at me. Okay, maybe he can massage it after. There’s a silver lining.
Once I’m finally settled in and comfortable, we’re told to rise for the National Anthem. I slide my food under my seat so I have my hand free. I cross it over my heart and listen to the song, Keith belting it out next to me. After it’s over, he waits for me to sit and then hands me my food.
“Thanks. It’s difficult to sit with this. Next time I’ll opt for cotton candy.”
“Nah, you’re too sweet for that. The arena can’t handle both you and the cotton candy.”
I roll my eyes at the corniness of what he’s said, but it’s adorable he’s trying to be so romantic with his words. “I can’t believe these seats.”
“They’re awesome. I’m usually way up there.” He points to the balcony. “I don’t think I’ll ever come to a game again unless I have these seats. This is how it’s meant to be seen.”
The man next to me knocks my elbow as he jumps up to cheer the Bucks as the first basket of the game is made. My pretzel goes flying, the tray flips over, and the cheese collects on my lap. “Damn it!” I stand up as Keith takes my tray from me and sets it on the floor.
“Oh man, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I take a napkin from him and wipe it up. “Thankfully the cheese cooled down enough it didn’t burn me.”
The guy next to me offers no apology as the others surrounding us whisper and discuss the situation amongst themselves. “Here. You can have my pretzel.” Keith tries to hand me his food.
“No. That’s fine. I’ll go buy a new one once this dries.” My jeans now have streaks of yellow running through the material, but thankfully the damage is more on my leg than my crotch.
“Here,” he rips the pretzel in half. “We’ll share.”
I give him a closed-mouth smile, and inside I’m relieved and thankful for his gesture. “I’d like that.” Our hands touch as he hands me my half and he takes this opportunity to steal a kiss. The crowd is cheering, and I know it’s for the game, but I can’t help but imagine it’s for us.
The person behind me taps me on the shoulder. I turn and it’s a young man, probably a teenager, his Bucks hat turned around backward on his head, a buzz cut underneath. “You’re on the jumbotron.”
“What?” Both Keith and I look up at the big screen above the court and there we are, staring dumfounded at ourselves. Keith takes this opportunity to lift his beer to the crowd, grab me, and kiss me like it’s going to soon be forbidden. Once we’re off the screen, he pulls away and I need a moment to catch my breath.
“Wow. That was … “
“Sorry. I may have gone a little crazy, but that was pretty cool.”
“Yes, it was. I’m not upset.”
“Good. Then now may be the perfect time to tell you something.”
After a kiss like that he can’t be breaking up with me, but what else could it be? He butters me up and then gives me bad news. He must be a pro at this. “What is it?”
He puts his beer down and turns toward me. “Remember my brother? I told you about him. He’s got two kids and lives in London.”
“Yes.” I swallow. Hard. Is he about to invite me to Europe with him? Wow. This is too soon. I’m not opposed to a weekend trip, but traveling over the Atlantic together?
“He’s invited me to come see him. I leave tomorrow.”
Tomorrow? He leaves tomorrow? As in less than twenty-four hours?
“I know this is short notice, but he’s never invited me and my parents are going, too. I thought it was a good time.”
So he’s not inviting me. This is definitely a family event.
“Are you okay with this?”
“What?” He ducks his head to look into my eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s wonderful! How long will you be gone?”
“Ten days. And we can FaceTime and text and chat on the phone. I’ll miss you.”
I’ll miss you. I’m not sure anyone has ever said those words to me. I’ve never been with anyone long enough to even have the chance for him to miss me. “I’ll miss you, too. I’ll let the group know tomorrow that you’ll miss the next two meetings.”
“Are you going? You haven’t gone for awhile.”
A vendor calls from the aisle interrupting my train of thought. The aroma of buttered popcorn is appealing. “I know. I think I should go. I’m … I’m going to see my mom. On Friday.”
“You’re what? I should go with you. I’ll cancel my trip.”
“No!” I yell out the response so quickly he’s taken aback, literally pulling away from me and tightening his lips. “I mean, I appreciate the offer, really I do, but this is something I need to do on my own.”
“Are you sure? It’s not a big deal. I can go see my brother another time.”
“No, you can’t. You waited this long for an invitation and can you imagine how much it would cost to cancel or change that ticket now?” I can’t be the reason he misses this trip. Or this game. “Let’s get back to this game. The first quarter is nearly done and you’ve barely seen any of it.”
“Cassie, don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t push me away. You need someone at a time like this. I want to be that person.” He’s pushing his lips together, the creases next to his eyes deepening as he pleads with me.
“Did you see that shot?” The man next to Keith shoves his arm and Keith ignores him. The crowd is starting to chant as the end of the quarter nears and it’s difficult to hear each other.
“I’m not pushing you away.” I take his hands in mine and set them on my lap. “My past with my mother is anything short of complicated and I want, no I need, to do this on my own.” I can see he’s listening, but I don’t think he’s really hearing me. “Please. Go to London. Don’t stay for me. I’ll still be here when you get back. If you cancel that flight and show up at my door, I’ll never forgive you.” Water pools in my eyes and I’m afraid of how he’ll respond. I don’t want some big romantic gesture where he’ll meet me at the hospital and it’ll be him pronouncing his love to me. No. I am doing this on my own, whether he wants me to or not.
He lifts his right hand and touches my cheek. “Are you sure about this? I don’t care about the money.” His finger traces my lip. “I care about you.”
For once in my life, I’m happy with someone, and I want something to come of this. I don’t want this feeling to disa
ppear, and I think he’s on the same page as me. The fact he’s offering is enough for me. I’ve gone my whole life not needing anyone, and I can get through seeing my mom without anyone, too. The buzzer sounds, I jump, and reply, “I’m sure.”
I’ve never been so sure about anything before in my life.
•••••••
I’m apprehensive to attend tonight’s meeting since I haven’t gone to the last few. A lot has changed since the last time I attended, mostly my relationship with Keith. He’s been gone all of six hours, and I miss him already. We haven’t slept together yet, but the second he gets back from London, that’s first on my list. Right now, I’m craving his touch, his lips, the salty taste of his skin. I’m ready for more.
I arrive at the meeting five minutes before start time, and I’m the last one to walk through the door. Everyone stops their conversations and stares in my direction. I’m on display and they’re not happy with me.
“Look who decided to show.” Luna leaves the refreshment table avoiding eye contact with me. She plops down on her chair, crosses her legs and her arms.
“Cassie, glad you decided to join us.” Cheyenne greets me with a slightly more polite attitude while Noelle and Monica take Luna’s lead and take their seats with the frustration clear on their faces. “No Keith?”
Her voice rises in accusation. Has he told them anything about us? I never even thought to ask. I’m the one who ditched the meetings, not him. I should have prepped myself before I came. “He’s in London visiting family.”
“Here’s your bell, if you want to call the meeting to order.” Cheyenne sticks it out to me, but I instead turn and sit down in the spot Keith has occupied in the past.
“No. I assume you’ve been taking the lead while I’ve been gone. You can do it.”
She snaps her mouth shut and sticks her nose in the air as she rings the bell. “This meeting of Dating for Decades is hereby called to order.” She places the bell on the floor next to her chair and sits down. “Now —” She clears her throat and wipes a strand of hair from her face. “— is there anything anyone wants to discuss today?”
Dating For Decades Page 18
