At that, a single tear fell from each of her eyes. He wanted to comfort her, but this had to be done. The fact that he had to tell her this, and then walk away was killing him. But Allie needed to make the decision now. She was trying to find a reason to destroy what they had, because of her inner turmoil, and there was nothing he could do to stop it this time. He was going to have to let her go and hope she figured it out on her own, because he couldn’t do it anymore. Watching her, he waited for her to say something.
“Is that it, Allie? Is that all I’m gonna get? There’s the door?” he asked. His voice was sad even to him. But it didn’t get him answered this time either. She stood there, with tears rolling down her face, squared shoulders, and arms crossed. The walls were securely in place.
Mike felt his shoulders sag as he deeply exhaled. There was nothing more he could do. Giving her a nod, he said, “Okay. I get it. You want your own space, and apparently there isn’t room for me in it.” Taking a step backward, he saw her eyes widen a little, but nothing else. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to give her the space she thought she needed, but he’d be damned if he begged her to let him be with her.
With all the possible strength he could muster, he fought the need to tell her he loved her again. It would only fall on deaf ears. After a final glance in her direction, he dropped his gaze to the floor and said, “Take care of yourself, Allie Baxter.” Then he walked out the door.
Once outside, he stood for a moment on her front steps and looked up at the sky. He took a deep breath as he felt a tear escape as he looked at the steps in front of him. He felt slayed. The source of his pain was just on the other side of the door, yet he fought with everything he had to not go back for more.
With one more deep breath, he forced himself to walk away. Down the steps, across the walk toward his home. Numbly walking inside, he looked around his place, and she was all he could see. Them.
So long as she was close, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away. Forcing himself upstairs, he packed a bag. Going through the motions, he grabbed what he needed and left, without once looking in the direction of her condo.
He walked away. From her. The first person to make him feel in a long time.
He walked away … leaving his heart behind.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
ALLIE shifted one side of her headphones away from her head. She thought she’d heard something, but what did it matter if she did? Not like she cared. Moving to put the headphone back in place she heard, “Allie Baxter!”
“Oh crap,” she grumbled to herself when she heard Gillian’s voice sound through the condo. Knowing there was no use trying to hide, she removed her headphones, turned off her music, and held her position. Waiting for Gillian. It only took a few seconds, as there were only so many places to be in a two-bedroom condo. When Gillian came into the room, Allie tried to give her a smile and said, “Hey, what’s up?”
Her attempted smile must have been as pathetic as it felt because it didn’t fool Gillian one bit. “Don’t you what’s up me! What the hell is going on with you?” she demanded.
Allie shrugged and looked back to her playlist, scrolling through it. “Nothing.”
“Oh whatthefuckever, Allie. You can try that shit on anybody else, but you know it won’t work on me. Now spill it. You’ve only responded to my texts with one-word answers, I called you at work and they said you haven’t been in all week, and the one that really tipped the scales was that you haven’t come by to see your niece in five days!” Gillian heaved a big sigh, obviously out of breath from her rant. “So, I’ll ask you again, what the hell is going on with you?”
Staring back at her best friend, she tried one more time. “Nothing …” But the tears started to flow. It only took a few seconds before the first sob erupted from her chest and Gillian was at her side. Allie grabbed onto her as all of her emotions began to spill out.
She clung to Gillian as she felt the final piece of her heart break. It had been hanging on for the last four days because she refused to acknowledge it. But now, with Gillian there demanding information, she couldn’t hide from it any longer.
After a while, her sobs slowed down, but Gillian still held her, stroking her hair. Gillian asked, “I’d ask if you were physically hurt, but I can tell by the way you’re crying, that’s not the case.”
Allie couldn’t speak, her throat hoarse from crying, so she nodded to answer Gillian’s unspoken question. Gillian asked, “Is Mike hurt?”
Allie shook her head and clenched her eyes shut at the thought of Mike being hurt. Well, physically hurt. She had seen the look in his eyes the other night when he left. It had been four days since he walked out of her apartment, and every time she closed her eyes, she could see his face. A face that held so much hurt from what she was doing. He just asked for some answers. Answers she didn’t give him. Couldn’t give him.
His face, and his pain, it was there every time.
When her sobbing had stopped, and she was only left with the residual signs of crying, Gillian pulled away from Allie and said, “How ‘bout you go shower and throw some clothes on? Jake is downstairs with Ella, so I’m going to go feed her while you wash up. Then you’re coming to our place, no arguments.”
Allie sniffed and wiped at her nose with her sleeve. “Ella’s here, too?”
Gillian smiled, “Of course she is. I’m her food supply.” She paused and adjusted her breasts, saying, “And from the feel of things, she should start crying any minute now. So go on, get cleaned up, she’ll be downstairs waiting on you.”
Allie nodded as Gillian hugged her once more and left the bedroom. Taking a deep breath, she realized she felt a little better. So she got up and made herself somewhat presentable so she could get downstairs to see her little ladybug.
When she got downstairs, Jake was sitting on the couch watching television with Gillian tucked close to his side. Little Ella was up on Gillian’s shoulder getting her back rubbed. Jake took one look at her and said, “Holy crap, babe, you’re right, this is bad.”
Gillian laughed and shook her head as Jake stood up, swiped Ella from her mother’s arms, and brought her over to Allie. He shoved the baby right into Allie’s face and said, “Here, take a whiff, she smells extra baby-like today. Gillian rubbed all that lotion on her before we left.”
Allie felt a half-smile creep onto her face at Jake’s antics. Reaching up, she took the baby and pulled her against her chest. Jake helped her position the baby, saying, “Here, if you hold her high against your chest, she cuddles into your neck, and you can easily smell her head.”
A full smile graced her face as she shook her head at him. “Thanks for the tip, Jake.”
“No problem. If you want, Gillian has this wrap-like thingy and you can totally strap her to your body and walk around. I don’t know how the baby doesn’t fall out, but Gillian says Ella likes it.”
A giggle escaped that time, and Allie watched as Jake stood, smiling proudly at her. He was clearly trying to make her smile, and it worked. “Thanks.”
He winked and then wrapped his arms around her and his daughter. “Anytime, Al. Do I need to kick his ass?” he asked.
Allie pulled back and shook her head. “No, it was all me.”
He gave her a nod and went back to where Gillian sat. Together, the three of them sat for a little while, just watching television and hanging out. They didn’t ask her any questions, they just acted like nothing was wrong and let her be with them. Allie had always been quiet, especially when it came to her own pain, so she knew they were aware of this. She appreciated the way they let her come to them when she wanted to—when she was ready.
“Okay ladies, what’s the plan? Do I need to go hunting for food to feed all of us, or are we going back to the house? Should I be planning a raid of all the freezer sections in the area to accommodate our ice cream needs?” Jake asked.
Gillian stood and said, “I’ve got meat marinating at home. We can stop and get the ice cream on the wa
y.”
Jake hopped to his feet and clapped his hands together. “Sounds like a plan.” Then he stopped and gave Allie a considering look before adding, “Now we just need to figure out how to fit both Allie and Ella in the car seat together.”
Allie was once again smiling as Gillian took the baby from her. She nuzzled Ella’s cheek and gave her a kiss before handing her to Jake. “Don’t be silly, babe. She can just hold on to me for a little while. I’m certain I have the same effect as the baby.”
Gillian wrapped her arms around Allie and squeezed. Allie let out a laugh and hugged her back.
Jake also laughed and said, “Gilly, maybe you should get on her back.”
Gillian shook her head. “No, that wouldn’t work. She needs to be holding me.”
Allie interrupted them, “All right, all right you two. I’m sure I can manage the car ride to your place without the extra contact. So long as Ella is in arms’ reach.”
“Done,” Jake said as he handed Ella, car seat and all, to her. “Let’s go, ladies.”
The ride to Jake and Gillian’s wasn’t long, and Allie made it with her hand on Ella. It was strange how being around babies made her feel better. All of her nieces and nephews made her feel good. Even if she wasn’t technically their aunt, by blood anyway, she was in all the ways that mattered. It was another reason she loved her family so much. It was made up of people that didn’t have to be blood related, but they would still do anything for you.
She had made it through dinner and felt herself relaxing. All the kids were there, except for Jonathan, of course, since he was away at school, and the typical banter of siblings helped her temporarily forget her pain. She figured Gillian was dying to know what was going on, and she tried to prepare herself to let her in. She owed it her best friend to tell her.
As she sat there, she recalled the conversation she had with Mike a few months back about how she felt her family was looking at her with sad eyes. It took him pointing out that they weren’t looking at her with sympathy over her loss, but rather mourning the loss of the Allie they’d known. Like her, they had also lost Marc, but she hadn’t considered how they lost two friends. His perspective was spot on, and she vowed to make sure she didn’t take herself away from them again.
Gillian finished putting the boys to bed and had just walked into the nursery as Allie finished dressing the baby for bedtime. Allie snuggled with her while watching Gillian tidy the room. Deciding she was ready to talk, she asked, “Gilly? How am I supposed to know?”
Gillian turned toward her. “Know what, Al?”
Trying to find a way to ask her question, which was strangely hard to do considering she and Gillian were totally comfortable with each other. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and said, “You know, how will I know … if I’ve moved on? If I’m ready to move on?”
Smiling, Gillian sat down in the rocker and gave her a considering look. “Well, if you’re asking me, something must have clued you in that you were already moving on. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on and we can figure it out together.”
Putting the baby up on her shoulder, she turned toward her best friend. Trying to decide where to start, she paced for a minute, as Gillian waited patiently. Coming to a decision, she sat down on the ottoman in front of the rocker and looked at her friend. Taking a deep breath she said, “I had a dream the other day.”
When she didn’t go on, Gillian asked, “And what was this dream about?”
“Well, it was a recurring dream. You know, those kind you have more than once, and it just plays out and you wake up. It’s the same thing each time.”
“Was it a bad dream?” Gillian asked cautiously.
“No, it was a very nice dream, but it was different this time. Actually, it was the same, but different.”
“Care to elaborate?”
Heaving a big sigh, she moved the baby from her shoulder down to the cradle of her arm. Avoiding looking at Gillian, she stared down at her niece and answered, “I used to always have a dream about me, with a daughter. We would be sitting on a blanket, on a thick grass lawn, on a bright, sunny day. I could see the whole thing, from the outside looking in. It was like I was watching it on TV, you know?”
Allie glanced up at Gillian, who nodded her understanding. Allie continued, “I could see myself sitting and talking with the little girl, but I could never hear anything. I just watched. Then they would both look the same direction, and the little girl would jump up and run to Marc. He would scoop her up and swing her around before the two of them would settle back down on the blanket where I was waiting.”
“That sounds like a very nice dream, Al,” Gillian said in a soft voice.
Allie nodded, “It was … but the other night, the dream changed.” Looking back down at the baby she was holding, she let a tear slip down her cheek. “This time, the little girl didn’t run to Marc. Everything else was the same—me, the little girl, the blanket, our clothes, all of it—except the little girl ran into Mike’s arms.”
Allie felt Gillian rub her knee in comfort as she asked, “And you’re wondering if this means you’ve moved on? That you’ve replaced Marc?”
Allie didn’t trust her voice so she only nodded, comforted by the fact that her friend was quick to figure it out.
Gillian asked, “Is moving on a bad thing?”
Allie considered it. “I’m not sure. It’s just … that dream had always been what I saw as my future. It felt real with Marc. Then I just go and replaced the players like they were interchangeable. Throwing one away for a new one. It feels wrong to me.”
“Oh, Allie. You didn’t throw one away and you know it. Marc is gone and there’s nothing any of us can do about that. But did you ever stop to think Marc was the one in the dream because he was your future? And that now, Mike is your new future?”
Allie shrugged as she said, “I’m not sure.”
Gillian squeezed her way onto the ottoman next to her and threw her arm around her shoulder. Leaning her head on Allie’s shoulder, she said, “That dream was always your future, but your future changed. Marc was the man you planned to spend it with, so of course he was the father. But Mike can be your new future, and I think that dream was telling you that. I think, in your head, you’ve already reconciled the fact that you’re in love with Mike, and he’s your future. Now you just need to get your heart to accept it.”
“Maybe,” Allie said in a fragile voice.
“Was there anything else that makes you believe you might be ready to move on?” Gillian inquired.
Allie nodded. “Songs.”
Gillian seemed unsure what she meant, so Allie elaborated, “Songs that used to mean one thing, now mean another. There are so many songs that used to make me think of Marc. But the other day, one of them came on while I was driving, and I found myself smiling instead of feeling sad. I was happy and thinking of Mike.”
A big smile spread across Gillian’s face as Allie looked at her and asked, “What does that mean?”
“It means that you’re ready to move on, sweetie.”
Looking back down at the baby, she smiled, and nodded. “I guess it does.”
“Have you told him yet? Does he know you love him?”
Allie shook her head. “No. We had this magical night, and he told me he loved me. Told me he knew I felt the same way, but he didn’t need the words yet. He knew I wasn’t ready to say them. We spent the night making love and everything was perfect. Then I had that dream, and I completely shut down. I pushed him away. I was just so freaked out. And maybe a little guilty. God, I’m such a bitch, Gillian.”
Gillian snorted a laugh as she got up and made work of taking the baby from her, saying, “I’m quite certain Mike is very accustomed to bitchy Allie.”
“Hey,” she said in protest, “I’m not always bitchy.”
“Of course you aren’t, but we both know you’ve definitely shown him your colors a time or two.”
Dropping her head to her chest in shame,
she admitted, “I know.” She couldn’t help but pout as she thought of all the times she acted badly. Fortunately, as of late, there were less of them to recall. But last weekend, she wasn’t very nice as she all but told him he was using her and she needed space.
Space that he gave her. Space that showed her she didn’t need it. Space that told her she wanted Mike. She needed to be with him, to touch him. And she needed to tell him, even though he claimed to know, she loved him.
Allie sat up straight and looked at her best friend. “Gilly, can one of you give me a lift home? I want to see him. I need to tell Mike.”
Gillian smiled. “Thank God you figured it out. I was trying so hard to pretend like I was fine with being patient while you did, but it wasn’t easy.”
Allie laughed; she should’ve known better. Shaking her head, she asked, “Why didn’t you just come out and tell me? Tell me to get over my shit and suck it up like you usually do?”
“Because for some reason, when it comes to Mike, you’re a stubborn pain in my ass. I didn’t want to push and have you go the opposite direction.”
“You’re a giant pain in my ass, too, Gilly,” Allie said with a smirk.
Gillian smiled back. “Takes one to know one.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
ALLIE was a ball of nervous energy as she sat in the passenger side of Jake’s jeep. He would occasionally let out a chuckle, clearly noticing she was bouncing in her seat. When they pulled up to a stop light, he said, “So, do you think this is going to be easy? Or is he going to be hesitant?”
Allie looked to him. “I’m not sure. I was definitely a bitch to him. I know I hurt him.”
“Well, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It reminds me of the look you told me I had for Gillian once, and everyone can see it.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I know that look. He told me he loved me, Jake. I know that, I just haven’t been able to tell him yet.”
Love Resisted (The Real Love Series) Page 23
