Max leaned forward as well, mimicking Alec’s posture with his elbows on his knees. Their heads were about a foot apart, so Max spoke barely above a whisper. “It was a bad day at the shop with Dad. He was bitchin’ about school and loans and ‘why couldn’t you get a scholarship like Alec’ and complaining about fucking everything. I went to that party, started drinking. I got drunk and instead of being pissed at my dad, I was pissed at you. So when Carrie walked in, I just . . . I wanted one thing, one thing, that was yours for myself.” Max huffed a bitter laugh. “I never told you, but she flirted with me when you weren’t around. So, I knew I could get in there. So I did. And then the next day, I woke up, and I hated myself.”
“Is that why you were so . . . off . . . since last summer?”
Max rubbed his palms together and nodded. “Guilt’s a bitch.”
Alec couldn’t help it, he blew out an ironic laugh. “You think?”
Max jerked his head up, a frown creasing his forehead, then his face cleared. “Oh, right, you mentioned that back when . . . yeah. So. Kat.”
Hearing her name from the lips of her ex-boyfriend and his best friend was like a dagger to the chest. But he talked through the pain.
“Back in January, I started tutoring Kat. It was a coincidence we got paired together, and she asked me not to tell you. Well . . . things just . . . damn. I fell for her. Hard.”
Max leaned back on his hands. “I knew it.”
“You did?”
“I saw the way you looked at her. When I asked you to watch her for me at the party, it was almost like some fucked up part of me wanted you to mess around with her. Then maybe we’d be even.”
“That wouldn’t make us even, Max. It’d make us fucked up and dysfunctional.”
Max kicked the side of Alec’s desk. “Yeah, I know. I saw the looks you two gave each other sometimes, and I think a sadistic part of me liked having something you wanted.”
“That’s . . . brutally honest.”
Max shrugged. “Yeah, well, you finally deserve honesty, don’t you think? You deserve to know what an asshole I am.”
Alec frowned. “But that’s the thing. That isn’t you, Max. I know it’s not.”
Max leaned back on his hands and tilted his face up to the ceiling. “Glad you think so, but I don’t really know what I am.”
“You’ll figure it out,” he said softly. Max shrugged.
Alec scratched the back of his neck. “Speaking of that party . . . she spent the night here. With me. And then when I saw your face, I denied it. I chose you over her.”
“Oh shit.” Max’s mouth dropped open.
Alec squirmed in his chair. “Yeah well, I went to visit her during spring break and . . . yeah. It’s not going to work out I guess.” He held off on explaining Kat’s disability. That was her story to tell.
Max cocked his head. “Not going to work out?”
Alec shrugged. “I think I was more into her than she was into me.”
Max shook his head vehemently. “No.”
“What?”
“No, absolutely not. Fuck, Zuk, the way she looks at you? She never looked at me like that. I’d bet my truck that girl is in love with you.”
“You hate that rust bucket.”
“Right, but it’s still a working rust bucket and I don’t have money to buy a newer rust bucket, so it’s still good collateral.”
“So, if I bet my rust bucket, are we just going to trade them? That seems really stupid because no one wins.”
Max rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Look, Kat’s great, but we weren’t right for each other. But you two? You belong together and I’ll kick your ass if you don’t fight for her.”
“What’s the point in fighting for her if she doesn’t want me?”
Max stared at him. “Are you seriously this dense? She does want you, asshole. She might have something else going on that’s making her act like she doesn’t, but she does. Mark my words.”
Alec smiled. “If you were this passionate with a girl, you might actually keep a decent one around for a while.”
Max laughed and shoved Alec. “Shut up.” He looked down at his hands and then tilted to face Alec. “I bet you’d treat her like a queen.”
“Who?”
“Kat.”
“Oh, yeah. Close. A princess.”
Max cocked his head in confusion.
Alec chuckled. “Never mind.”
They fell silent, each studying the floor at their feet. Alec peeked at Max from under his lashes. His friend looked troubled, but less tense. “Look, Max. I need some time. If you still want us to be friends—”
“Fuck yes!” Max’s eyes were wide, a naked plea.
“Then, just give me reasons to trust you again, okay? And you need to find some way to sort your shit out. You’re not going to be me. You don’t want to be me. You gotta be you and you need to figure it out. Yourself.”
Max nodded, picking at the ever-present calluses on his hands from a lifetime of lifting weights. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”
When Max left, Alec slumped in his chair. Their friendship used to consist of deciding which ice-cream shop to haunt on a hot summer night, or which house to study at after school Now it was all talk of finding jobs in the same town and adult conversations. Part of him wanted to go back to high school, when life was easier. But this was life now, and they had no choice but to grow up.
He turned back to his computer and typed The. That was as far as he got until he started thinking about Kat again.
He thought back to every interaction with her.
When she’d opened up to him in the library and flashed him that beautiful, real smile. When she’d told him at his house that he saw the real her. When the rest of the world disappeared when he held her in his arms and danced.
When she’d taken him in his bedroom and let him inside her.
Alec wasn’t a genius when it came to females but he wasn’t completely ignorant. And he knew Kat felt something. If he reached deep in his broken heart, he felt that she fell for him just as hard as he’d fallen for her.
So what had happened to make her throw up her walls? He’d apologized for the teasing so it couldn’t have been that.
But he’d fucked up somehow. And that last insult he hurled at her sure hadn’t helped either. He cringed, thinking about it.
His mother’s voice rattled in his head. If you really want her, go after her. Show her the kind of man you are.
He had to do something to show Kat he cared about her.
He picked up his cell phone and opened a blank text message. Then he tapped his fingers on his desk. “Make it count, Alec. Make it count,” he muttered to himself.
Then he began to type.
I want to ride covered Segways with you and make fun of your hair whispies.
Then he typed in Kat’s name and hit SEND.
He imagined her face when her phone read the message out loud to her. And he wished he could be there to see her mouth open in that loud, unabashed laugh she had. The laugh he loved.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I WANT TO eat candy and watch football with you while we make jokes about tight ends.
The voice reading the text on her phone sounded nothing like Alec’s, but Kat could picture his eyes sparkling, his full lips sounding out the words.
It was Friday of spring break and this was the fifth text message she’d received. They’d started Monday. Yesterday’s was, Despite what you think, I bet you look hot in yellow.
She had no yellow shirts, but she dug a yellow bra out of the bottom of her drawer and wore it. Just for Alec.
She loved the texts. They warmed her heart and made her laugh. But she still hadn’t heard the words she wanted to hear from him. I’m sorry. You don’t need fixed. I see you.
Until then, she had to stay focused on forgiving herself. On seeing herself.
On loving herself.
“Ready to go?” Tara asked as she pulled a T-shirt down over he
r head.
In a moment of lunacy, Kat had agreed to try running. After she told Tara everything—about her possible dyslexia and fight with Alec, she’d been near collapse with stress. Tara had shoved a pair of leggings and T-shirt at her and told her to grab her earbuds and mp3 player.
“Running has a way of clearing out the clouds so nothing’s hiding in shadow,” she’d said.
Kat mumbled something about sunscreen but she’d changed and now she stood uncertainly in the middle of their room, shifting from foot to foot on rarely used sneakers. The last time she’d worked out regularly was in ninth grade. She had a gym membership and quit after she contracted ringworm from the locker room.
And Tara had finished her marathon the previous weekend with a great time. Kat figured the least she could do is get off her sorry butt and run with her friend.
Tara glanced over at her as she tied her shoes. “We’ll go easy okay? A slow jog.”
They started out on a path that looped around campus. Tara said she didn’t like to talk while running, so Kat shut her mouth and turned on her playlist she’d made special, really quickly just for the run.
Britney’s breathy voice rolled into her ears and Kat eased into the rhythm of the run. Beside her, Tara shot her a thumbs-up and Kat returned it.
March was a toss-up in Maryland. Some years, the month dumped a last blizzard on them. Other years, tulips began to poke through the ground in response to warm temperatures.
This was a tulip year.
As her feet pounded the pavement, Kat’s mind did clear. Maybe it was the music in her ears or maybe it was because the physical act focused her, disallowing distractions. Because all of the tasks she hoped to accomplish next week didn’t seem so daunting anymore. Her appointment with the learning center on campus was first thing Monday. And she’d made an appointment with her advisor on Wednesday to talk about declaring her major.
The thought of being on the “other side,” standing in front of a group of students, as the teacher and not the “teachee” was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
And then there was Alec . . .
She shook her head and blew out a harsh breath, following Tara around a bend in the path. Tara smiled over her shoulder and Kat smiled back. This running thing wasn’t so bad. If she ignored the stitch in her side.
When they got back to their apartment, Kat braced herself with her hands on her knees as Tara opened the door. “So, how was it?”
Kat followed her roommate in and shut the door behind her. “You were right. Running has a way of bringing out the sun, doesn’t it?”
Tara grinned. “Told you.”
After their showers, Tara waved Kat over to her bed. “Sit down. I want to show you something.”
Kat flopped on the bed, comfortable in pajama pants and an oversized T-shirt Alec had left at her house. God, she was pathetic.
“Why do you run?” Kat asked.
Tara pulled her laptop on her lap and opened it up, a chime sounding from the speakers as it woke up. She twisted her lips. “Well, I like feeling physically fit. And it was something I could do that didn’t cost any money. I mean, just a pair of sneakers and I could take off. You know I live with a bajillion people. When I’m running, I can hear myself think. I’ve worked out so many of my problems while running.”
Kat picked at the frayed hem of the T-shirt. “That makes sense.”
“Thanks for that, by the way,” Tara gestured to her ceiling above her bed. Kat had cut out “26.2” in posterboard and sequined the crap out of it with a glue gun. It was tacky and gaudy, but Tara laughed so hard when she saw it.
Kat shrugged. “It was fun.”
Tara pulled up Skype and a dial tone rang out in the room. “So, I’m calling Amy. She wants to show you something.”
Kat leaned forward and looked at the screen. “Oh really?”
The call connected and Amy’s vibrant, six-year-old smile filled the screen. She waved, her movement blurry and too fast for the program. “Hi Kat!”
Kat waved back. “Hey sweetie!”
Amy’s hair was pulled back into a bun held in place by a pink ribbon. Her lips looked redder, like she wore lipstick, and then she stepped back from the screen so Kat could see her whole body. She twirled and her pink skirt swirled around her hips and thighs. Kat had worn that same skirt long ago.
“Hot stuff! Looking good,” Kat beamed.
“Go ahead, Amy.” Tara turned to Kat and whispered, “She wanted to thank you herself, for the lessons.”
“But I didn’t—“
Tara elbowed her and she shut up.
Amy stopped her twirling. “This is what I learned so far.” She pulled over a chair and held onto the back of it, like it was a barre. The she brought her heels together, little brows furrowed as she bent her head and watched her feet. Then she looked up, beaming. “First position!”
“Excellent!” Kat squealed. “Now make sure you keep your knees straight.”
Amy immediately complied. “Better?”
Kat gave her a thumbs-up.
Then Amy spread her legs, toes pointed out. “Second position!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful form, Ames.”
The little girl smiled as she completed third, fourth and fifth position. Then she ended with a plié, her arm movement fluid and very well done for a six-year-old. When she finished, she blushed while Kat and Tara whooped and clapped.
“If I was there, I’d be throwing flowers onto your stage, Ballerina Amy,” Kat said.
Amy took another hesitant plié and then sat down in front of the computer. “Thank you, Kat.”
It was amazing how watching Amy show her the things she learned was all the thank you Kat needed.
The knowledge that something she’d done, no matter how small, had a made a positive impact on this little girl’s life filled her heart. And she knew she wanted that feeling again and again.
“You’re welcome, sweetie,” Kat said, her voice thick.
After they said their good-byes and Tara shut down her computer she looked at Kat. “Are you finally starting to see yourself the way we all see you?”
Kat nodded. “I think I am.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
THE NEXT DAY, Kat stood outside of Danica’s door, wringing her hands.
Even though she’d initially been angry that Danica and Alec had talked about her behind her back, she now had the perspective that the whole situation had opened her eyes. She owed Danica a thank-you. And maybe part of her wanted to fish to see if Danica knew anything about Alec. The day’s text had said, I want to lay in bed with you and eat non-soggy PB & J sandwiches.
She knocked and after some muffled muttering, Danica flung the door open. She was surprisingly casual, in a pair of black sweatpants and pink camisole. No wig. Surprise flashed over her face, then she smiled. “I knew you’d come around. Just thought it would take you longer than a couple of days.”
Kat’s eyes drifted over Danica’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Stone isn’t here.”
“I wasn’t—”
“Yeah, you were.” Danica left the door open and turned to walk back into her apartment. “Come in.”
Kat took a deep breath and followed Danica, shutting the door behind her. In the kitchen, Danica was scooping cookies onto a cookie sheet. Every five or so, she plopped a hunk of dough in her mouth. Kat wondered if her cookies were as good as Max’s.
Danica dropped her cookie scoop in the batter bowl and slid the cookie sheet in the oven. She set the time and turned to Kat, drumming hot pink nails on the counter. “So, I want to apologize. Alec told me about the e-mail, and I’m really sorry. I don’t even remember how it happened, but Alec and I were talking about tutoring you, and then he mentioned some things, and since my dad has dyslexia, I mentioned it to him.”
Kat sat down at the stool at the counter and swiped her finger along some batter at the top of the bowl, then stuck her finger in her mouth. “Don’t worry abou
t it. I’m not angry with you. In fact, I wanted to say thank you.”
“Oh?”
“Well, long story short, I have an appointment with the learning disability center on campus Monday to get tested.”
The nails continued their drumming and Kat shifted. Maybe Alec had already visited Danica, to tell her all about the situation.
“Did Alec already tell you all of this?”
Danica shook her head. “Honestly, no. He said he went to visit you and that you had a disagreement. No other details were given despite my threats.”
“Really?”
“I solemnly swear. You going to tell me what happened?”
“Do you promise not to talk to him about this? Because I don’t . . . I’m not trying to test him but I’d really like him to figure out why he hurt me on his own.”
Danica swiped some batter, rolled it into a ball and popped it into her mouth. “I promise. And I like your style.”
So Kat explained her meeting with her teacher and how Alec reacted. Danica didn’t hide her wince.
“Oh man, that explains why he’s been so mopey.”
“He’s mopey?”
“Well, he’s not a whole lot of fun to be around.”
“What do you think?”
Danica cocked her head. “About What Stone did?”
Kat ran her hands over the smooth counter. “Do you think that’s all he sees when he looks at me? A project?”
Danica sucked in a breath and then blew it out. “First of all, this is a conversation you should have with him, you get that? This clearly isn’t resolved between you two. And Kat, if he only saw you as a project, why would he be this hurt? Alec isn’t a macho guy who’s upset because his pride is wounded. He’s upset because he cares about you. He wouldn’t be hurt otherwise.” She cocked her head. “You get that, right? You have the power to hurt him because he cares about you so much.”
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