“Oh, Jack,” whispered Ryan.
Instead of making things better, this newly deflated Ryan, with his pity words and sympathetic eyes, made everything so much worse. Jack wanted to drop through a hole in the floor, to be swallowed up inside the ancient crawl space under his crappy house and die.
“Nick was furious,” Dave continued, “because Jack humiliated him in front of his friends. They dragged Jack to the alley behind the Fox Theater and took turns beating on him. Someone had the brilliant idea to bring a broom handle along, and Nick said nothing in Jack’s defense. They stripped some of Jack’s clothes off him, but he fought for his life. If one of the busboys from Angelo’s and Vinci’s hadn’t been outside smoking, if he hadn’t shouted he was calling the police, Jack probably wouldn’t have survived.”
“God, stop.” Ryan covered his ears, but Dave advanced on him like an avenging angel to peel his hands away. “Stop.”
Ryan was tough and sure-footed. He danced away, but Dave was well trained, and he fought dirty. In no time, Dave had Ryan by the shoulders, backed against the wall. Dave forced Ryan to hear him out.
Jack remained frozen, cold fingers gripping the chair.
“It took months for Jack to heal from his physical wounds.” Dave glanced at Jack. “He’s nowhere near over the wounds you can’t see.”
There was no ticking clock to mark the time as Jack waited for something more to happen. His horrified silence lasted so long he had the chance to watch Ryan regain control of his breathing. Of his expression. Shock turned to pity—the last thing Jack wanted or needed.
“Just go, Dave,” Jack said woodenly. “Just shut the fuck up and go.”
“No.” The word burst from Dave. “You don’t get to tell me to shut up this time. Nick hurt us all. Why the hell do you think I—” Dave’s mouth snapped shut. “What Nick did to you hurt everyone around you. You just don’t see that.”
Jack could only stand there mute. He’d really underestimated Dave. He hadn’t seen the truth behind Dave’s behavior until now, how one hateful act could be a stone cast into a still body of water. Jack wasn’t the only one to be rocked by its ripples, to be caught unaware years later and dragged under by the powerful waves that stone precipitated.
“I didn’t know,” Jack whispered.
“Maybe I didn’t either.” Dave swallowed. He glared at Ryan. “Funny how something can trigger a painful memory.”
“I have to go.” Before Jack or Dave could stop him, Ryan shot between them.
Jack damned his legs as he tried to follow. “Ryan. Wait.”
Ryan ran from the house and down the porch steps. He got to his car and slipped inside before Jack even made it to the porch.
“Ryan!” Jack called out.
Ryan slammed the door shut and, just like that, took off. Jack closed his eyes when he felt Dave’s hand on his shoulder.
“Did you imagine I’d thank you for that?”
“Nope.” Dave pulled out his phone and headed down the steps, leaving Jack standing on the porch by himself.
Jack watched Dave walk past his truck and down the street, watched until he turned the corner and disappeared from sight. He was probably calling Gabe for a ride. Whatever Dave was, he was always going to be a cop first, and he would never drink and drive.
Jack stared at the quiet street, at the view he’d looked at for the whole of his life.
That was it, then. His secret was out. Jack’s secret. Nick’s. Maybe Dave’s too. Probably Jack’s secret had built up and up over the years, creating a wellspring of darkness inside all of them.
Jack thought he’d been carrying it alone. But obviously not.
He turned and walked up the stairs.
Inside, he found Tasha waiting for him with big, unimpressed eyes. Her expression asked, What did you expect? A happily ever after with the uncrowned prince of Sunny Hills? That you’d lay your private ghost to rest, and bibbidi, bobbidi he’d disappear in a cloud of lavender smoke like so much Disney magic?
That you could go to sleep for once in your life and wake up with something good?
Twenty-six painful steps took him to his bathroom and the bottle of Percocet that waited for him there. He dry-swallowed as many as his doctor said he could safely take and then washed them down with a mouthful of water from the sink. After, he settled on his bed, and Tasha jumped up to lie in the crook of his elbow, her nose nuzzled right up to his heart.
Even Tasha was borrowed from someone else. She wouldn’t be there in his empty future, where he’d wake up every single morning, alone.
Why had that empty future never bothered him before when just now, loneliness seemed so unpromising?
How did a couple days of uncomplicated fun with Ryan change things so much?
Jack closed his eyes.
First-date playlists. Dinner out. Driving a car with a man sleeping softly beside him. Hot sex. Playful banter. Even stretching out his sore muscles with company was fun.
Ryan was fun.
Jack smiled. Ryan was play. Ryan was unassuming and positive and lighthearted, despite being an acolyte to St. Jude and all the lost causes he attracted to himself. Ryan was happiness—at least he had the capacity for it. Just thinking about Ryan’s smile, which seemed unlike Nick’s enough to have come from a different man altogether, untwisted something inside Jack more than the drugs did.
He grabbed his phone off the nightstand.
Before he could forget exactly how he felt right then, before he let the drugs pull him into the painless oblivion of sleep, he needed to call Ryan to remind him of what he’d said the night before.
Dave had unloaded on them both. And even though Dave’s words had been true, they were awfully goddamned harsh. Jack had told the truth the night before—or as much of the truth as he’d allowed himself to tell.
Jack rang Ryan’s phone, and of course it went straight to voice mail.
Of course it did, because nothing good is ever easy.
Beep.
“Dave wasn’t supposed to tell my truth like that. I don’t know if I’d have carried it to my grave, but I like to think I would have. I like to see myself as the kind of guy who wouldn’t out a man who is unable to respond. I like to see myself as a man who can live with his foolish choices and not ruin someone else’s reputation more than they already ruined it, because I’m better than that. What Nick and his friends did to me, the punishment they did or didn’t receive for it, the lies Nick did or didn’t tell, that’s all on him.
“I don’t know how long this will let me talk, but I told you my truth last night. I buried my heart with my pride a long time ago.
“I could never, ever mistake you for Nick. I would cross the street to avoid him if he were still alive, but if I could have, I’d have run alongside your car, begging you to come back and listen to me all the way to that big house you live in.
“This isn’t the last message I’ll leave. That wasn’t the last time you’ll see me. I’m coming after you. I just go…slow.”
Jack let the call end. He curled up around Tasha and let her purr him into a faintly pleasant buzz. This had to be the worst he’d ever felt in a lifetime of pretty bad shit. He closed his eyes and sighed as the medication began to separate him from his body for a while.
“Oh, Tasha. How low can we go?”
Chapter 19
Dawn cracked through the blinds in Jack’s room when he woke up on Monday morning. He checked his phone. No calls from Ryan. He had the nagging feeling he was going to have to work hard for what he wanted. He was going to have to prove it was Ryan’s heart, and not his face, that mattered.
Piece of cake, Jack thought wryly before he let his head drop back on the pillow.
He reached for his phone to call Gabe.
“Christ, it’s early.” Gabe answered on the first ring. “Does this mean you’re speaking to me again, coz?”
“I’m calling, aren’t I? Did you buy your new car?”
“Yeah, and she’s awesome. I g
ot the SS with the performance package in black. You should see her. Sweet.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve got somewhere I need to go, but I don’t want to go by myself. You got time to take me for a spin?”
“Now? Yeah, even though you acted like a douche bag, I’m free as long as it includes coffee.”
Jack wanted to chuck the phone against the wall. Family, you had to love it. “How’d I act like a douche bag?”
“You don’t put your new squeeze before your old friends, Jack. Not ever.”
“What are you talking about?” Jack asked. “I never—”
“The hell you didn’t. You got pissed at me other day, and now Dave’s all busted up. We aren’t going to lie to Ryan for you, and we aren’t going to shut up if we see you making the same dumb mistakes over and over again. You’re family, but you crossed a line.”
“All right. I know,” Jack admitted miserably. “I was stupid to think I could keep the truth from Ryan. But in my defense, I didn’t know how much I’d like him. ”
“You’ve gotta ask yourself, do you like him because he looks like Nick? The mere fact that you refused to tell him the truth makes it seem like you got some fucked-up baggage.”
“Of course it does. But I kept the truth from Ryan because he looks like Nick. I didn’t want him thinking that’s why I’m into him. Now he’s going to believe his looks are the reason no matter what I say.”
“That’s what we were trying to tell you.”
“You were right. What can I say?”
Gabe snorted softly. “This is one for the record books. Now I wish I’d taken Dave’s bet you’d apologize. I didn’t figure you’d ever get around to that.”
“Right, well…”
“I’ll be over in twenty minutes. You’d better have coffee. I’ll bring my travel mug. Maybe we can grab breakfast before work while we’re out.”
“Okay.” Jack disconnected the call. He sat up and let his legs down over the side of the bed only to find Tasha staring at him from the floor by his feet.
“What?” he asked her before he got up and headed into the bathroom. She was still waiting outside the door when he came back out.
“You’re hungry, huh? Let’s go do something about that.” Tasha followed him into the kitchen where he opened a can of food to fill her bowl. She accepted the food as her due, not bothering to glance up at him in thanks.
Jack wondered if Tasha would even be there after he got back with Gabe. Skippy was supposed to be coming over to get her, wasn’t he?
He was really going to miss that cat.
Jack hurried to get dressed. He had only seconds to spare before Gabe knocked on the door.
“Hey.” Jack smiled at him. “That was quick.”
Gabe shrugged and held out his travel mug. “Hey, coz.”
“Thanks for coming.” Jack took the mug to the kitchen and filled it. He shoved his keys and wallet in his pocket and picked up his cane.
The happily-soon-to-be caffeinated Gabe held the door for him. “Okay, so where do we need to go?”
Jack told Gabe where he wanted to go, and got into his new car, prepared to listen to whatever lecture Gabe was preparing to deliver.
When they pulled into the gates at Fairhaven Cemetery thirty minutes later, Jack was still trying to defend his attraction to Ryan.
“I don’t know.” Jack wrapped his jacket tighter around him. “It’s complicated.”
Gabe appeared bent on pursuing the subject. “You can’t recapture the past. Even if things come out right this time.”
Jack gave an irritated shake of his head. “I know that. Don’t you think I know that?”
“Then why does it have to be Ryan Halloran?” Gabe asked. “Why can’t you find a nice guy who has nothing to do with Nick at all?”
“I don’t deny Ryan flips my switch physically,” Jack argued, “but I don’t see Nick when I look at Ryan.”
“Seeing not-Nick is just as bad. Thinking this guy is nothing like Nick still puts Nick in the picture. Until Nick’s nowhere near the picture, you need to be careful. That’s all Dave and I were trying to say. We’re sorry we ruined things between you and Ryan, but we’re right about this.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Jack made himself own up. “Ryan deserved the truth. I should have told him myself from the very beginning. Now I have to fix things between us, even if he doesn’t want to hear it.”
“Fine.” Gabe turned the radio on and tipped his chair back. “Wake me when you’re done with your emo garbage. It’s too early for this shit.”
“All right.” Jack got out and made his way across the damp grass, past rows and rows of markers to Nick’s grave. The flowers from his memorial, a formal affair, stood on a tripod next to the grave.
Jack leaned on his cane there for a long time, thinking over everything that had happened.
Why had he kept silent all those years? Was it really to protect Nick? Or was it something more, something less admirable? Was keeping the world from learning the sad, sick truth about Nick simply Jack’s way of copping an attitude? Was it some show of superiority?
Keeping Nick’s secrets had been Jack’s curse as well as a manifestation of loyalty Nick didn’t deserve.
Surely after so long, Jack could loosen his death grip on the old news that Nick had abused him sexually and emotionally, that he’d abused Jack’s trust and betrayed him horribly.
Jack took a long, deep breath.
“This is it, Nick.” Jack was dry-eyed at last. Clearheaded. “This is the last time I look back. I hope wherever you are…”
Jack left the rest unsaid, afraid of what he might have said if he’d completed the sentence. He let the thought go. That was what not looking back was all about, wasn’t it? Letting things go unsaid. Letting things go, in general.
Jack turned back to the car where Gabe waited, and was shocked to see Ryan heading along the path toward him. Ryan was dressed casually in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, carrying flowers. Sunlight glinted off his hair, off the sparks of red and gold in his beard, making him appear lit from within.
Ryan gaped at Jack, surprise written on his features as he hesitated, then came forward.
“Small world,” Ryan called out.
The sight of Ryan coming toward him caused a funny roiling inside Jack, like Ryan was sunshine and he made Jack bloom inside. Ryan did more than just lift Jack’s cock. Jack craved his warmth.
Ryan had begun to fill something inside Jack that had been empty for way, way too long.
“Hey,” Jack said finally when they were face-to-face.
“Hey. I brought these for Nick.” Ryan placed a small bouquet of flowers on Nick’s grave. He looked like he felt as awkward as Jack did. “I figured no one else would, except maybe his folks.”
Jack nodded. He hadn’t thought to do it. “Going back to work tomorrow?”
“No. I’m taking a few more days off.”
“I’m working later. I just thought I’d visit Nick’s grave since we didn’t after the memorial.” Duh, Captain Obvious. “You…uh…doing all right? At the house, I mean.”
Ryan nodded. “I think so. I slept okay last night. Early days.”
Jack nodded. At that rate, they were going to stand there like bobblehead dolls forever. “I suppose—”
“I wanted you to know—”
Jack laughed. “You first.”
Ryan shrugged. “I want you to know, I understand why you didn’t tell me the truth about Nick.”
“I wish I had, now.”
“I wish you had too. I’m not sure I’d have—”
Jack started to reach out for Ryan, but the unhappy expression on his face told Jack he didn’t have the right. “I swear. You’re not some kind of substitute for Nick. Dave was dead wrong about that.”
Ryan seemed to search for the truth in Jack’s eyes. “I don’t know…”
Jack held Ryan’s gaze, letting him look his fill. Jack had nothing left to hide. “It’s possible being with you
, thinking about Nick, reminded me of some things I’d forgotten. I won’t lie to you about that.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said softly.
“Don’t be. It wasn’t all bad. I was a different person back then.”
“Weren’t we all? I was a Q-tip with braces.”
“Yeah. I guess.” Jack had been pretty goofy back then too. “But I thought about things differently. I believed in things. I didn’t remember that until—”
Ryan lifted his hand and cupped Jack’s face. His thumb brushed Jack’s lower lip, causing a tingle Jack felt down to his balls. “You can’t get back what Nick took, you know? Not with me, not with anyone.”
“I know.” Dave and Gabe might have to knock some sense into him about other things, but Jack knew that much at least. “But—”
“So that’s good, anyway, right?” Ryan dropped his hand to dig impatiently in the pocket of his hoodie for his keys. “You learned something.”
Jack saw what he hoped for start to spin away from him again. “Yeah. But I need to tell you—”
“Stop.” Ryan laid his hand on Jack’s arm. “I’m really sorry my cousin hurt you. Really. You will never know how badly I wish things could be different.”
“Wait,” Jack said stupidly as Ryan started to walk away from him. “Things are different.”
“Take care of yourself, Jack,” Ryan said over his shoulder.
Jack stood there, watching Ryan go. Again.
Jack’s heart said, Run after him.
Jack’s body said, If you let Ryan Halloran leave without fixing this thing between you, whatever it is, you’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.
His body was like that. All or nothing.
Ryan walked away—at an awfully brisk pace, the bastard—and Jack knew it was futile to try to catch up.
It would be futile to try anything while Ryan was angry and feeling freshly insulted. While he was still fuming over the fact that Jack hadn’t given him the entire truth, rather than focusing on how much fun they’d had together.
Jack: Grime and Punishment: The Brothers Grime, book 1 Page 15
