Alice and Seth walked through the door. I nearly hollered a greeting, but before I could, a strange quiet beeping noise began going off.
“An alarm!” Alice said. She pushed her furless friend into the room. “Hurry! Do whatever you have to do!”
“Oh dear,” I mumbled, tugging again at my vest. It was incredibly important that I get my vest unstuck post-haste. Things were getting hairy—furry, so to speak—and I was desperately needed.
OK, perhaps I’m being just a bit melodramatic. Officially, I was expected to keep watch and eventually make my way through the ventilation system to the dwarfs’ floor.
But no matter what my “official” role was, I’d be of little use if I didn’t—grunt!—get—grunt!—free from this blasted vent!
“OK,” said the nice young man, slipping between two of the big humming machines, “All I need to do is sneak into their mainframe and work some coding magic. The Castle Cats program will send a message to everyone’s phone telling them to download the updated version. It’ll be like nothing happened.”
“Just hurry!” Alice said, glancing back to the door.
“I’m trying!” said her pink-skinned compatriot. I do say I liked his outfit, especially the bow tie. It made him look very much like a spy.
“Well try faster,” Alice said. For all of her outward urging, she sounded calm. She had pulled her fountain pen from her little purse and tossed the purse next to one of the big machines. It was quite possibly the first time I’ve ever seen a woman throw away a purse.
Seth kneeled in front of the machine, which had a small monitor and keyboard attached to its exterior, much like a laptop computing device. He began typing. I fear I cannot be more specific, as I was looking down from the ceiling grate and not in the best position to provide many details. I can tell you that the young man was typing furiously, if my ears are to be believed.
And I assure you: my ears are to be believed. I’ve always prided myself on my exquisite hearing.
There came from the hallway the unmistakable “ding!” of the elevators. At the same time, the air conditioning turned on and a cold breeze blew across my bum. I was glad to have been blessed with a pair of trousers.
Alice glanced nervously at the door. “Seth …”
“Almost there,” Seth said. “Holy crap, I can’t believe it. I’m actually in! I’m in!”
“Good,” Alice said. She bent down, drawing a sword on the floor. She pulled it away, swinging it a few times. Oh, I was so proud of her.
“I still don’t know how you plan on keeping them from changing the code back to the way it was,” Seth said.
“Don’t worry about that,” Alice said. “Just hurry.”
“I’ve got it!” Seth laughed like a mule who’d just kicked a farmer. “I did it! Holy crap I totally did it! This is the coolest thing ever, dudette!”
“Great!” Alice said. “Now we need to … we need to …”
A shadow appeared in the doorway. I strained to see, peering through the grate and feeling the fabric of my beautiful vest strain ever so slightly.
Seth looked at the doorway, then at Alice. “OK, clearly I fell asleep. Because I know for a fact that there isn’t a giant porcupine standing in the doorway and I’m even more positive my best friend isn’t holding a sword.”
“It’s a hedgehog,” Alice said. She got into a fighting stance, pulling up her dress to stretch out her leg. “A giant hedgehog. And I’m not holding a sword. I’m holding a saber.”
Her furless friend stood up. He tugged at his bowtie. The poor fellow had gone quite pale.
“I’m sorry, Seth,” Alice said. “I’m so sorry I dragged you into this.”
The Corrupted hedgehog monster stepped inside the room, growling a low growl. I felt the fur on the back of my neck stand on end. The creature’s quills bristled.
“This … this is too much,” Seth said. “What the heck is going on? Like, for real? Who is this dude?”
“He’s a monster,” Alice answered. She held her saber in front of her and put her free hand behind her back. A quiet whine escaped my mouth. I tugged on my vest again, rattling the vent. Oh, how I hated these situations! Here I was, stuck, while poor Seth was doing his best impression of a possum.
The hedgehog monster took another step forward. I tell you, he was a terrifying beast, with human-shaped paws and long claws and the strong legs of a wolf. He reached his arms over his shoulders, whimpering quietly as he plucked two long sharp quill thingies from his back. He pointed them at Alice as if they were swords.
“Oh dear!” I exclaimed.
Everyone looked up at the vent. I realized then that I’d accidentally turned myself visible in my flustered state.
“Oh. Um, howdy!” I said.
“Now who the heck is that?” Seth asked with wide eyes.
Suddenly, the hedgehog monster lurched forward, stabbing wildly at Alice with one of his quills. Alice parried the blow, stepping back. “Seth, get out of here!” she said. “Hurry!”
The devious hedgehog stepped forward again, stabbing with both of the quills at the same time. Alice fell back, parrying with one smooth motion as she fell to the ground with a thud. If I hadn’t been so sure of her abilities, I might have gasped at this point in time. But I didn’t, and before the hedgehog creature could move closer, Alice was back on her feet.
“Seth!” she said, pulling the awe-struck young man behind her again. “Get out of here!”
“Where am I supposed to go?!” Seth asked. “This entire situation is just a little too difficult to comprehend!”
Alice parried another swipe of the hedgehog’s giant quill, then kicked him right where the sun don’t shine. He bent over and she stabbed at him, but he deflected the beautiful attack with his quill. Alice turned and kicked him in the stomach, sending him flying down the next row of giant machines.
“Now, Seth!” she said, following the hedgehog out of my line of sight.
Seth took a cautious step toward the door, then stopped. “Oh holy crap.”
Another much smaller shadow appeared in the doorway.
“A dwarf!” I gasped.
The dwarf stepped forward and I heard the strangest metallic sound. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was until he took another step towards Seth. Then I saw it …
A pickaxe!
“Oh dear me,” I said, struggling mightily with my vest. I tugged and pulled, and heard a distinct metallic ping from somewhere above.
Below, things had gone from bad to worse. Seth was now pinned near the back of the room, the dwarf with the pickaxe blocking the exit. From somewhere behind one of the other rows of serving machines, Alice grunted and cursed. The dwarf watched Alice get thrown back against one of the frightening humming machines in the next aisle, then shrugged.
“I’ve been hoping we’d meet like this,” he said. He was Flick, and he would surely not hesitate to kill Alice’s best friend. I had to get free.
“Um … can you just call the police?” Seth asked. He nervously wiped the sweat from his brow. “I mean … I’m ready to be arrested now. I think a nice quiet night in jail might be just the thing to set me straight.”
Flick laughed. He lifted his pickaxe, hefting its weight in his arms. “I’m going to enjoy this, boy.”
“Alice!” Seth called out. “There’s a dwarf with a pickaxe threatening me! Alice!”
“Briar!” Alice yelled. There was a metallic clang as her sword sliced into one of the machines. Sparks flew and the hedgehog creature cried out.
“Right then,” I mumbled. “This will require the most delicate of solutions.”
I bounced up and down in the vent, shaking it wildly until I heard another metallic pop somewhere above. I shook the vent harder …
And went crashing through the tiled ceiling. The vent broke apart. I landed on the floor directly beside the horrible dwarf, and before he could swing his horrible pickaxe, I jumped up.
“Now who the hell are you?!” asked Alice
’s furless friend.
“Br’er Rabbit, at your disposal,” I said, turning to the stunned dwarf and holding out my paws in a karate stance. “I do believe we’ll have time for pleasantries at a later date. As of right now …” The dwarf swung his pickaxe at me and I ducked out of the way. “… We need to get you out of here, dear boy!”
“Yeah, dude.” Seth grabbed my vest, which under less hectic circumstances would have been quite rude. “We definitely need to get me out of here. Please, giant talking rabbit, get me out of this nightmare.”
Flick swung his pickaxe again. I hopped back, nearly bumping into Seth.
“I should have known the idiotic rabbit would show up,” Flick growled. His eyes darted to the next row of servers as Alice and the hedgehog took turns throwing each other against them. We could see them moving past the spaces between the machines, which were not stacked so close that they touched.
“Idiotic?!” I exclaimed, puffing my fur out. “I’ll have you know this clever little idiot has been spying on you for some time.”
“Oh, I know,” Flick said. “Why do you think we locked that emergency exit in the parking structure? We’re not fools, rabbit.”
He swung again, this time aiming for Seth. I pulled the wide-eyed boy out of the way and gave him the heave-ho toward the door. “Run, my boy! Find a safe place!”
“But what about Alice?” he asked.
I dodged another swing of the pickaxe, hopping back. “Alice can take care of herself! Trust me!”
“Yes, trust the giant rabbit!” Flick said with a devious cackle. “Boy, if you turn and run, I’m going to pick you apart piece by bloody piece and leave the crows to eat your eyeballs while you’re still alive!”
“He’s mostly full of hot air!” I shouted, dodging another blow. “Best to not let him get to you!”
“Right. OK! Well, good luck!” Seth called, turning and disappearing into the hallway.
“Beaten once again!” I exclaimed to the horrible dwarf, allowing my ears the satisfaction of pulling back in a more intimidating posture. “It’s only a matter of time now!”
Flick smiled, stepping forward. “I hope the little brat isn’t taking the elevators. Because every single one of them is programmed to go to the top floor.”
From the hall came the unmistakable “ding!” of the elevator. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. “I do say …”
Flick laughed a rotten, dastardly laugh. “You forget, dear rabbit … this isn’t the first time we’ve dealt with a hero.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” I told him, backing up beside one of the giant humming servers. It took all my fortitude to not bolt for the door.
“Yes, I’ll bet you haven’t,” Flick said with a grin. His eyes were dark and wide, like saucers that had been dipped in tar. His teeth were yellow and cracked, like … well, like popcorn covered in mustard, I suppose. I must admit, I was a bit afraid of the loony little creature. My legs quivered in anticipation.
From behind us came another crash. My ears twisted uncomfortably toward the sound. Flick raised his pickaxe again. Steady, I thought to myself … steady yourself now, Briar.
He brought the pickaxe down. I slipped out of the way and the sharp end dug into the giant humming machine behind me. Bright, hot sparks erupted from the machine and the dastardly dwarf cried out, flying backwards.
Well! I didn’t need any more invitation to skee-daddle, I’ll tell you what. I hurried to the door, taking one quick look back at Flick, who was groggily trying to push himself to his feet.
“Seth!” I called down the hall, running as fast as my rabbit legs could, “don’t get on the elevator!”
But when I reached the elevators, he was already gone.
Chapter 9: Alice
When he was baptized, the pastor said, "Because of his quills he cannot be given an ordinary bed." So they put a little straw behind the stove and laid him in it. And he could not drink from his mother, for he would have stuck her with his quills. He lay there behind the stove for eight years, and his father grew tired of him, and thought, "If only he would die." But he did not die, but just lay there.
[xiv]
I parried another stab from the hedgehog, stepping into a riposte attack and swinging with all my might, slicing the razor-sharp quill in half. The hedgehog growled, reaching over his shoulder and plucking another.
“Crap,” I muttered. Down the row of servers, I saw Seth bolt for the door. “Thank you, Briar.”
The hedgehog came at me again. My feet danced backward, hindered by my dress. In one hand was my pen, clutched like a knife. In the other hand was my saber. I kept two feet of space between myself and the monster, who loomed over me and stared down with terrible burning eyes. All around us, the massive servers hummed a one-note tune.
“Your story ends here,” I hissed.
The hedgehog snorted, stabbing at me again with a quill in each hand. I parried the blows, sidling closer to kick his exposed stomach. But my dress got in the way again, stifling my leg’s movement. This wasn’t working. I was losing. And the dress wasn’t helping things, either.
Suddenly, from the other side of the room came a shower of sparks. I heard Briar giggle, hopping to the door. He was followed quickly by the dwarf.
I dodged another wild stab from the hedgehog, then—seeing an opening, sliced at the monster’s chest. The blade connected, and a small black slit appeared under his fur. The monster dropped one of his quills and clutched the wound, groaning and slamming his eyes shut.
I felt a surge of energy rush through me. I’d done it! I’d stopped him!
The hedgehog opened his eyes. They looked like they were on fire. A string of drool escaped his lips. His paw slipped away from the wound. It wasn’t spreading. The wound wasn’t spreading!
“This is the part where you sort of burn away,” I told him.
The hedgehog shook his head, reaching over his shoulder for another quill.
“Well,” I said with a heavy breath, “I suppose we could keep doing this until you don’t have any quills left. That should only take another hundred days or so.”
The hedgehog’s muzzle quivered. I could have sworn he was trying to smile. He shut his eyes and stabbed one of the quills up at the ceiling, shattering the overhead light. There was a bright flash as the bulb burst. Pieces of glass rained down on us.
The entire aisle went dark. Only the little blinking blue lights on the servers illuminated us. They bathed the hedgehog in blue, then blinked off. When they blinked on again, the hedgehog had closed the gap between us, his terrible drooling muzzle open just a hair so I could see the sharp row of teeth. He stabbed with both quills and I swung my sword defensively, falling back and tripping on my dress again. The hedgehog leapt at me and I rolled right, feeling one of the quills nick the skin on my upper arm.
“Ow,” I muttered, feeling an intense firework of pain. My should began throbbing; it took all of my willpower to focus.
I rolled again, dropping my saber and grabbing the quills before he could stand up and stab at me again. We were locked together, each of us clutching one end of the quills. He pushed me backward. I pressed my toes into the ground and pushed off as hard as I could, forcing him back a step. His long hand-like paws tightened around the quills. I could feel the pointy ends moving ever so slowly closer to my head. He was stronger than me.
But maybe I could use that to my advantage. I gave another strong push, and this time the hedgehog’s head moved toward me, his jaws snapping viciously. I crossed the quills, giving myself an X-shaped barrier between my tender flesh and the monster’s teeth.
One more push, I thought, willing all of my strength into my arms. I pushed the monster back another step, enraging him further. When I felt him push back, I took a step back and shifted my weight, using his momentum to throw him over my shoulder. He landed hard on the ground on the other side of the room, the quills on his back bristling.
“OK, now it’s time to get serious.” I reached down a
nd drew a horizontal line near the bottom of my dress, just above my knees. When I’d drawn the circle all the way around, the length below my knees fell to the floor.
“Now that’s much better,” I said.
The hedgehog stood up, grabbing the two quills from the floor rather than plucking two more.
“I don’t blame you,” I told him. “I know those quills don’t come off as easily as the quills on a porcupine.”
The hedgehog cocked his head.
I smiled devilishly. “Yeah, that’s right … I’ve been reading up on you.” My foot slipped underneath the hilt of my saber. I kicked it up, grabbing it in mid-air. I could feel adrenaline coursing through my body and it felt good. The exhausting side-effects of the antibiotics were temporarily masked. “Come on, Hans. You and I are finishing this right now.”
Instead of charging, the hedgehog slid sideways, disappearing behind the next row of servers. There was a pop and another shower of sparks overhead.
And another aisle went dark. I ran to the far wall just in time to see another row of lights overhead pierced by the monster’s quill. I tried to catch up to him but he was too fast, darting from row to row and stabbing every single one of the long fluorescent bulbs.
I reached the other side of the room too late. Behind me, the door to the hallway slammed shut.
The room was dark. The servers hummed, their little blue lights blinking on and off. My head felt dizzy. My heart thumped in my ears. I steadied my breath, trying to listen, trying to trust my other senses to guide me through this. I swallowed the fear, pushing it deep down, wiping my sweaty hands on my dress. There was only one way out now. I had to stay sharp.
The Grimm Chronicles, Vol. 1 Page 33
