“It was good! We are making the biggest, biggest, biggest piñata ever, and Ms. Kate said we get to break it on the last day of camp! Mama, it’s the size of the moon!” She gleamed, making me laugh. Even on the worst days, that little girl could make me smile.
“Wow! That must be really big.”
“It is. It’s the biggest thing ever. Plus! They are putting candy in it, and we all got to pick a candy we wanted in it, because Ms. Kate and Ms. Rachel said that all of our opinions mattered and I picked Skittles, because they are my favorite candy, and my best friend Mia said ‘Eww’ because she thinks Skittles are gross, and my other best friend Randy said I picked a bad one, so I changed it to Blow Pops.” She said it so nonchalantly, as if those two other kids weren’t freaking bullies.
It didn’t go unnoticed by me that Mia and Randy were the same two kids who had Reese questioning if we were poor.
Tomorrow, I’d be having a very stern conversation with the camp instructors to make sure that they were truly watching over my daughter to keep her from being bullied by those two.
“Reese, you know better than changing your mind because of what someone else says. You love Skittles. Don’t let these kids make you think you don’t like what you like.”
I glanced back at her to witness her shrugging her shoulders. “It’s just because Mia and Randy are cooler than me, that’s all.”
“Reese Marie, don’t ever say something like that again, okay? You are the coolest person in this world, and don’t let anyone make you think differently.”
Was it too dramatic to think that I really wanted to give those two five-year-olds a piece of my mind? Or at least their parents. I would’ve been horrified to learn that my child was a bully. And I truly despised the idea that Reese was surrounding herself with those types of people. I didn’t want her to (A) start doubting herself in any way, shape, or form or (B) become like those two and bully others.
She was at that stage in her life where everything had an impact on her thoughts. I needed to fix the problem sooner rather than later, before it really affected her growth.
“Okay, Mama,” she said, going back to her humming as if nothing major had taken place.
“I mean that, Reese. You are the coolest person I’ve ever met in my life. Don’t forget that.”
She agreed with me and went back to singing “Background Noise,” by Alex & Oliver, obviously. As we drove, I fell into their music, too, somewhat forgetting the craziness of my life and allowing myself to breathe for a moment in time.
Thank goodness Abigail dropped off those groceries for Reese and me the other day. I could make that stretch for a while, and if worse came to worst, I could sell the car.
There’s always a way, there’s always a way, there’s always a way.
My mind was filled with the affirmations that I spoke to myself on a daily basis. They kept me from crumbling and spiraling too far away from myself.
“Hey, Mama?”
“Yes, Reese?”
“Who’s my dad?”
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I looked back toward her as she played with one of her dolls that was always left in the car. That was the last question I’d expected to come from her. I knew down the line I’d have to address that question. I’d played that conversation over and over again in my head for the past five years.
“What makes you ask that?” I responded, trying to sound as calm as I could, even though my heart was beating as if it were ready to burst from my chest.
“Well, at camp we are making Father’s Day cards for everyone’s dads, and I told Mia and Randy I didn’t have a dad to make a card for, and they told me that everyone had a dad, and I didn’t know that. I thought some people just had mamas, so now I’m just wondering who my dad is if everyone has dads.”
Freaking Mia and Randy. The two devil children.
“That’s a very good question, sweetheart, and we should talk about it later when we get home, okay?”
“Okay, Mama. I hope I get to meet him one day. I want to tell him I love him like I love you.”
My already shattered heart crumbled into even more pieces than ever before.
“I love you, Reesey Pieces,” I choked out, fighting the tears that were sitting at the back of my eyes.
“Love you, too, Mama.”
Thankfully, she didn’t bring the topic up again that night. After dinner, she headed to her bedroom to play with her toys, and I cleaned up the kitchen and gathered the garbage to take out to the trash bins outside.
As I walked outside, Abigail was walking in and gave me the brightest smile. “Hey, Emery. How are you—” Her words faded when her eyes met mine. “Oh no, what’s wrong?”
The mother shield I’d been carrying on my shoulders began to crack as my shoulders dropped and my chest burned. “Just one of those days.”
“What happened?”
“I lost my job today due to the craziness that took place at the bar last night. I don’t know how I’m going to keep things together. We were already living paycheck to paycheck, and I made the stupid decision to spend a big part of my savings on summer camp for Reese. Now, things are even tighter, and I’m out two jobs and it seems like the world is spiraling.”
“Oh, sweetheart. If you need help—”
“No, truly. It’s fine. I’ll figure it out. Thank you, though. To add flames to the fire, Reese asked about her father today.”
Abigail grimaced and nodded in understanding. She knew my life story inside and out. Heck, she was there for me more than my own mother was when my world turned upside down five years ago.
“She’s getting to that age where she’ll start wondering about these kinds of things,” she said. “Especially if she’s surrounded by other kids who are living different kinds of lifestyles.”
“Better lifestyles,” I sighed.
“No life is better than another. They are all just uniquely different.”
“I don’t even know what to say to her. How to even bring it up. Heck, I can hardly bring it up to myself without getting emotional about it.”
Abigail placed a comforting hand against my shoulder and gave me one of her sincere smiles. “Speak when you’re ready. Your daughter will be willing to listen when you’re able to tell it. Until then, just let her know that she has a mama who loves her. You’re doing great, Emery. Just know that, even on the days when it feels like you’re not.”
I thanked her for her kindness, and she gave me the hug that I hadn’t even known my soul needed. I continued on my way to throw out my trash as Abigail headed up to her apartment. On my way up, I ran into Ed, who of course was in search of his rent.
“Emery!” he called out, walking my way.
“I know, Ed, I know. I’ll have you the rent tomorrow,” I said, not exactly sure if it were true, but I’d do what I had to do to make it happen. Even if that meant taking out loans for money that would cost me double to pay back.
“You said that you’d have it tonight!” he argued, fuming as his fuzzy brows sat low. “I can’t keep doing this, Emery. This is it!” he barked. His face was a deep red, and I could feel his annoyance. I didn’t blame him. He’d put up with my struggles long enough, and he didn’t have any reason to keep allowing me to slide.
“Just twenty-four hours more, Ed. I swear. I’m selling my car tomorrow to get you the money. Please,” I begged, wiping away the stubborn tears as they danced down my cheeks.
The moment he saw my trembles and shakes, his body relaxed a bit as he grumbled to himself and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Twenty-four hours. After that you and your kid are out, all right? That’s it, Emery. That’s the deal.”
“Deal. Thank you, Ed.”
He muttered something under his breath and waved me off before he walked away.
That night after Reese and I got down on our knees and said our prayers, I kissed her forehead, tucked her into bed, and went to my room for my own good session of falling apart. After I’d had a lengthy
private cry, after I’d cracked, I knew I needed something. No. I needed someone. I needed my sister.
As I dialed her number, tears sat at the back of my eyelids.
“Hello?” Sammie answered. Just from the sound of her voice, I began to break, and she must’ve sensed that. “Em? What’s wrong?”
“I lost my job.”
“Oh my gosh, Emery. I’m sorry.”
“Do you think you can come here? I just . . . I need you.”
“Emery . . . ,” she sighed.
“I need you, Sammie. This is all too much. I’m drowning, and I need you here with me. I can’t do this alone.”
The line went silent for a split second, and I felt an overwhelming sense of dread as I went back to begging. “Please, Sammie. I’m struggling. I can’t do this alone. I wouldn’t ask unless I really needed the help and—”
“I can send money,” she offered, her voice cracking now.
“No. I don’t need money, Sammie. I need you. I’ve always been there for you at your lowest . . . please . . . I need you at mine. It can be quick. You don’t even have to see Reese, I swear. I just need you.”
Again, the silence filled the receiver, and I felt a spark of betrayal as Sammie whispered, “I’m sorry, Emery. I just can’t be what you need me to be. I can’t.”
“Sammie—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence. She hung up, leaving me to feel unbelievably alone. How could she do that? How could she turn her back on me when I’d shown up for her time and time again? The hardest truth to learn in life was that not everyone loved the same way you did. I’d given my sister everything in the past, and all she’d given me was a dropped call.
9
OLIVER
My parents stayed the night and flew out in the early morning. Even though I was certain they were hurting, they didn’t show an ounce of their pain in front of me. If anything, they brought their bright, bubbly personalities that I grew up around and shone their love over my darkness. I was grateful for their light.
Cam had no interest in coming over, as she was still pissed at me for not answering her calls the day prior. She was even more upset that I hadn’t performed at the show, saying she was ready to do a surprise song for the audience. “You didn’t even think of the exposure it could’ve brought my new album,” she scolded. “You never think of me, Oliver.”
Not once did she ask why I wasn’t able to perform.
Not once did she question if I was okay.
Not once did I think that we were destined for happily ever after.
Still, I selfishly needed her. When no one was with me during the nights, I crumbled and gave myself to the bottle. I didn’t want alcohol to be my fix anymore, because it always swallowed me whole and I’d wake the next morning feeling worse off than I had the previous evening.
So, I leaned on Cam coming home each night.
Our whole relationship was based on selfishness. She stayed with me because it made great press for her to be the sweetheart who stayed by my side during my storm, and I stayed with her so I wouldn’t lose myself in the dark.
Toxic? Yes.
Terrible coping mechanism? Also yes.
I sat in my bedroom with large headphones covering my ears. I was home alone, so I turned to music to drown out the noise that was echoing in my head. I had a playlist with over six hundred of my favorite songs that meant something to me—half of which I’d probably learned about from Alex when he’d send me a song a day. I missed getting those songs.
I missed sharing my songs too.
“Oliver? Are you here?” a voice hollered through my house. The voice was loud enough to cut through the music playing in my headphones. I slid them down and placed them around my neck.
I listened to Kelly’s heels click-clacking through my hallways as she grew closer and closer to my bedroom. “Just a wellness check-in! Your mom called and asked me to stop by, and well, I just wanted to stop by, too, after what happened with the show.” She kept her voice loud, and there was a slight tremble in it as she searched for me. “So, if you are here, can you just make a loud noise? Because the idea of walking in on you and finding you not okay is too much for my anxiety.”
I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. “Here!” I shouted. “In my bedroom.”
I swore I heard Kelly’s sigh of relief rocket throughout the space.
She hurried over to my bedroom and gave me a slight smile as she stood in the doorway with a coffee in her hands. Her hair was in a messy bun, and she looked as if she hadn’t slept in days. The puffiness under her eyes showcased her exhaustion.
“Hey, Oliver.”
I nodded once as I sat on the edge of my bed. “Hey.”
She walked over to me and sat down. She handed me the coffee. “Coffee, no whiskey.”
“Then what’s the point?” I joked.
“You okay?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Liar.”
“Maybe.”
I lowered my head and fiddled with my fingers. Over the past few months, I’d told myself what I was dealing with wasn’t depression but just a temporary sadness that would go away over time. When time passed and it didn’t shift, I knew it was something I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life. Somehow, after Alex passed away, I felt . . . emptied.
I didn’t even know if “depressed” was the word for how I felt. Yet all I knew was that there was an emptiness inside of me and I hadn’t a clue how to fill that vacant place. I felt as if I were walking on broken glass, and I didn’t even feel the pain from the cuts. Everything was numb, everything was mute, everything was meaningless.
I wanted the pain of losing my brother to go away. That was why I drank, to keep those thoughts from surfacing, but the whiskey didn’t kill the struggles; it only temporarily hid them. When the whiskey faded, the pain came back stronger than ever.
“What makes you happy, Oliver?”
My mouth parted, but no words came out. Hell. I had no clue.
Kelly frowned. “What about music? Does music make you happy?”
I stayed quiet.
“Do you really not want to do music anymore? Like, if that is something you’re not interested in, then fine, let it go. But I’ve known you for so long, and I feel like music is the biggest part of who you are.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Then why are you pushing it away?”
I shrugged my shoulders and cleared my throat. “I don’t know how to do music without having Alex doing it beside me.”
Her eyes glassed over, and I felt bad for making her feel bad. Kelly missed Alex in a different way than I did, and I knew she was struggling. She was still going through the grieving process, but she’d never voice it to me. Maybe because she felt it would be too hard to talk about. Maybe because she hadn’t yet found the words to express her pain.
She pushed a smile through her lips and nodded her head once. “Do you know what would make Alex the saddest person?”
“What’s that?”
“Knowing you pushed your music away. He’d want you to embrace it, not run from it. He’d want music to be what fueled your tank after running for so long on empty. So, honestly, I think the best way you can honor your brother is by doing what you love the most. Oliver, you gotta let the music in. I think it’s the only thing that is going to heal you. I don’t know what happened at the concert, Oliver, and you don’t have to go into it. All I want to say is, be easy with yourself. You’re still mourning a big loss.”
“I thought I could trick myself into doing the show, but I panicked. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“No one blames you for what happened. At least not anyone that truly matters. Tyler and the PR team already did damage control and fixed the narrative. I’m just thankful for the woman at the bar who brought you to safety. It could’ve ended up much worse.”
Thank goodness for Emery.
“I feel bad for her, though,” Kelly continued. “
The paparazzi has been at the place trying to get an exclusive interview with the bartender from that night, but it was reported that the owner fired her for the disruption that happened.”
“She was fired?”
“Yeah. At least that’s what’s being reported.”
Shit.
Emery was already struggling with life in her own ways. Leave it to me and my demons to make her life even worse off.
“I gotta go handle something,” I said abruptly, shooting up from my bed.
Kelly arched an eyebrow. “Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”
“I have to make something right, that’s all.”
“Okay, well if you need anything, let me know. I’ll get back to answering these emails for you and all that jazz.”
“Thanks, Kelly.” I started to head out of the room but paused as I looked back to my assistant. Behind her organization and kindness, I saw it. Her pain. I wasn’t the only one mourning the death of my brother, that was for sure.
It was no secret that she and Alex had been getting closer and closer each day before the accident. I wondered what they would’ve been if they’d had more time. I wondered if they were supposed to be a love story with a happy ending. I wondered if she blamed me for his death like the rest of the world did.
She was his type to a T too. A beautiful woman with a heart of gold. During her free time—which was limited—she was either volunteering at food shelters, giving back to the inner city, taking part in equality protests, or meditating for better tomorrows. They were so much alike—she and my brother. Shit, she and Alex were probably meant to be, up until life got in the way.
Kelly never showed her sadness in front of me over the loss of Alex. She simply handled every angle of my life with care and tact. She never brought up the shit that the rest of the world brought up and did her best to make my life easier. I wished I could do something to make her life easier too. Because I was sure when she did grieve, she crumbled on her own.
“How are you doing, Kelly? You know, with everything. How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
The Mixtape Page 9
