Her eyes were wide and filled with wonderment as she walked over to stand in front of me. She looked down at her hands before locking her stare with mine. “You like me?”
“I like you,” I swore.
“Good,” she breathed out as she linked our fingers together and held my hands against her chest. “Because I like you too. I like how you interact with Reese. I like how you love your parents. I like how you look after Kelly. I like how you didn’t give up on your music. I like when you’re deep in thought and your forehead wrinkles. I like how you burn bacon. I like how your smile feels like a secret prize that you share with so few. I like how you smile toward me. I like your laugh. Your good days. Your bad ones too. I. Like. You.”
We were close together, her body heat falling against mine. I couldn’t stop staring at her face. Her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her lips.
Those lips.
I rested my forehead against hers. “I’m a mess,” I confessed. “Even with Abigail, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work through my troubles. I fall apart and struggle through normal activities. I am the complete opposite of what normal is. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, and others I struggle to breathe. But you make it easier. You make it better, even without doing anything. Before you, I didn’t want to try. Some days, I still don’t want to, but I’m going to keep trying because I want to be good enough for you. I want to be someone whole so you don’t have to deal with my broken pieces.”
“Oliver,” she sighed as she placed a palm against my face. “Don’t you get it? So much of your beauty comes from those broken pieces. In those cracks is where you shine.”
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes for a moment. “Can I play the song for you now?”
“Please.”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, where the song was already set up. I hit play and placed the phone on the countertop.
“Can I Kiss You?” by Dahl.
Emery’s eyes flashed with emotion as I took my place back in front of her. My hand wrapped around her waist as I pulled her in closer to me. Her hips pressed against mine. Her body melted into my hold. I couldn’t stop staring at her, at her lips, wondering how it was that she tasted. Was it her body that shivered or was it mine? Was it her nerves or mine that were skyrocketing through the space? I didn’t know where her fears began or where mine ended. I hadn’t a clue what her thoughts were, and truthfully, I was working my damn ass off to not believe the negative ones rolling through my head.
It was easy to sound them out when she placed her hands against my chest. My heartbeats flooded her fingertips as she felt what she’d done to me. She’d made my heart beat after months of being inactive.
The song lyrics kept playing, about a man asking permission to have that first kiss, the first moment when their lips crashed into one another. The first time they’d become something new.
And then, she smiled, and said yes.
I didn’t hesitate. My lips crashed against hers, tasting every inch of her being against my mouth. She kissed me back, falling into me just as passionately as I fell into her. She tasted like strawberry ChapStick and new beginnings.
Her arms wrapped around my neck as our kiss deepened. I could have kissed her forever. Her lips were soft; her kisses were full. I liked how she kissed me as if she were searching for every single piece of me. The whole pieces and the shattered corners of my soul.
I kissed her back, searching for the same thing.
Each day, I had to work on changing the dial on the station of my mind to better-feeling thoughts. It wasn’t always an easy thing to do, but that day? In that very moment? I loved the song that was playing.
27
OLIVER
“Thank you again for passing Abigail’s name on to me,” I told Emery one afternoon as we drove to the grocery store in town. Normally, I hated shopping due to the paparazzi, but any chance I got to spend with Emery, I took.
As far as the weather went, it was a perfect California dream. The sun beamed overhead, the sky clear of clouds and a nice shade of blue. It was days like today that made me happy to live in California.
“She’s really special, isn’t she? I’ve never met someone as special as she is. She genuinely cares about the well-being of others. She’s saved me during some of the hardest times over the past five years.”
“I’m hoping she can help do the same for me. The other day, she asked me what I wanted to do for that day. Not what I wanted to do in the next five years, or what I wanted to do in the future, but she asked me right then and there what I wanted to do, and I didn’t have the answer. But if she asked me what I wanted now, I’d know what to say.”
“What do you want to do today, Oliver?”
“Be around you.”
She smiled the warmest grin my way, and I wished I had enough nerve to tell her how much I wanted to kiss her too. How much she stayed on my mind. How much I loved being around her.
We stopped at a farmers’ market to pick up some fresh vegetables and fruits—per Emery’s request—and my stomach knotted up the moment I saw a paparazzo tailing us a bit. I looked over to him and frowned, but I realized he was lowering his camera the minute he saw me.
Emery didn’t even notice that we were being followed. She was too excited about being in fresh fruit and vegetable heaven.
“I’ll be right back, all right?” I said. “Just going to go check out that stand over there.”
Emery agreed and squeezed my hand before she turned back to the sweet potatoes in front of her. “I’ll be here, feeling up the eggplants,” she joked.
I walked around the corner, noting the guy following me like the snake he was, and when he grew close enough to me, I finally snapped.
“Can we not today, man?” I asked, almost in a begging tone. For a few seconds with Emery, I’d almost forgotten that I was famous.
He grimaced and nodded. A flash of embarrassment filled his cheeks. “Yeah. I’m sorry, man. I was just trying to help.”
“Help?” I huffed. “How so? How is this helping me?”
“I wanted to show you in a good light, you know? In good spirits. I’ve seen all the bullshit that Cam has been putting out about you, and I know it’s all lies.”
I arched an eyebrow at him, confused by his confession. I never engaged with the paparazzi, because for the most part I saw them as annoying vultures, but something about him seemed . . . genuine?
He shifted in his shoes and cleared his throat. “I lost my brother earlier this year too. Cancer,” he muttered.
In that moment my distaste for him lessened.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “It’s not easy.”
“No. Not at all.” He scratched at his wild blond hair and shrugged. “Listen, I know what we do for a living is shit, but honestly I’m just trying to feed my family. We took in my brother’s kids, and things have been tight. I’m not proud of this, so I was trying to do something good, you know? Maybe help you. I was hoping to use these pictures to spin your story into a good light. I’m a fan, after all.”
I didn’t know what to say, because I never looked at people like him as being human. With families. With struggles. With pain. “What’s your name?”
“Charlie,” he said, nodding slightly. “Charlie Parks.”
I held my hand out toward him. “Nice to meet you. But don’t worry about me. I’m good. Just take care of your family. If selling these pictures helps you, go for it.”
He grimaced and shook my hand. “I know it might not seem that way, but a lot of us are rooting for you, Oliver. You got a team of silent supporters.”
He headed off, leaving me a bit in disbelief at what had unfolded.
“Is everything okay?” Emery asked, walking closer to me after seeing the interaction that had taken place.
I took her hand into mine and kissed her palm. “Yeah. Let’s head to our next stops.”
As we walked into the grocery store, I tossed on my cap
and sunglasses. I knew it was a terrible disguise, but the more I could avoid people spotting me, the better. Emery pulled out her shopping list, and I gladly added as much junk food to the cart as possible when she wasn’t looking.
Everything was going smoothly until I heard a gasp take place. “Oh my gosh!”
I looked up to see a woman staring directly our way, and my chest tightened at the idea of being recognized. That feeling settled away pretty quickly when the woman clapped her hands together. “Emery Taylor, as I live and breathe!”
For the first time ever, it wasn’t me who was being recognized—it was Emery.
The woman darted over to Emery and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Jeez, how long has it been? Five years or longer?” she said.
“Eve, hi. Oh gosh, it’s been so long. Since I left Randall, I guess. What are you doing here in California?”
Eve held up her hand, showing off her sparkling ring. “Kevin and I are honeymooning! We got married last week and came to California to do Universal and Disneyland. It’s a cheesy honeymoon, but it’s who we are. Wow. How have you been? What have you been up to? I cannot believe it. Emery, you look good! Real good.” Her eyes moved over to me and danced up and down my body before she nudged Emery. “You got a cute one on your arm, too, I see. Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Alex Smith? You two are an adorable couple.”
Emery nervously laughed. “Oh, no. We aren’t—”
Eve cut her off, and it was clear that she was one of those people who talked a lot and listened very little by the way she went on and on. “Oh my gosh, I gotta text Sammie and let her know that we ran into one another.”
Emery’s eyes widened. “Wait? You’ve been in touch with Sammie?”
“Are you kidding? Of course. I see her every week at Bible study. She even stood up in my wedding. I figured you knew. Anyway, I’d better get going before Kevin wonders why I’m still in this store. I was just meant to get a few snacks. If you ever make it back to Randall, let’s have a girls’ night! It’s been too long!” She paused and looked over to me and raised an eyebrow. She snapped her fingers. “No! Not Alex Smith. Michael B. Jordan. That’s it! You look like Michael B. Jordan. Well, okay, good seeing you, Emery! See you soon!” Eve hurried away as if she hadn’t rocked Emery’s world upside down with the information she’d just revealed.
I walked over to the pale-faced Emery, who was staring forward as if she’d seen a ghost. “Are you okay?”
“My sister’s been back in Randall all this time? No. That doesn’t make sense . . .”
The longer we stood in the store, the more I noticed people staring our way, and this time I knew they were staring at me, based on the cell phones in their hands as they snapped photographs.
I placed my arm around Emery’s and leaned in to whisper. “We need to get going.”
She didn’t say anything but simply took steps forward as we abandoned our cart in the store. I got her into the car and drove for a few blocks before pulling over to talk to her, to make sure we were far enough away from paparazzi or fans snapping pictures of us.
“It doesn’t make sense. She told me she was off finding herself. My mother said she hadn’t seen Sammie when I called. Why would they lie?”
I didn’t know what to say to her, because it was a messed-up situation.
“I have to go back to town,” she muttered to herself. “But I can’t take Reese to talk to them, and I definitely can’t leave her alone. But I need answers. Oh my gosh.” Her eyes watered over as she began to become overwhelmed with every word she spoke. “What does this even mean? Why would Sammie go back to Randall?”
“I can go with you, if you want. I can watch Reese in town as you confront the situation.”
“What? No way. I can’t ask you to do that, Oliver. Besides, you need to be focused on your album. I don’t want to take your time.”
“Emery, please.” I took her hand in mine and squeezed it lightly. “Take up my time. I want to do it for you. You deserve answers after all this time. I want you to get those answers. We can go as soon as possible.”
She hesitated for a moment before agreeing. “Okay, and I’ll head home tonight with Reese and pack our bags. Do you want to pick us up in about two hours from my place, and we can hit the freeway? I’ll book us two rooms at the bed-and-breakfast in town.”
“Sounds good.”
I drove us back to my place, Emery picked up her car, and then we went our separate ways.
As I packed, I felt like a damn fool for being somewhat excited about a weekend getaway with my girls.
My girls.
Fuck, they weren’t mine, but that thought felt good in my head.
28
EMERY
Five Years Ago
“I can’t do this,” Sammie sighed as Reese screamed her lungs out at two in the morning. “I can’t do this, Emery. I can’t,” she cried along with the little one as she aggressively rocked her daughter in her arms.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Here, hand her over.”
I took Reese into my arms and began to soothe her the best I could. “Did you warm up a bottle?” I asked. Sammie wasn’t able to breastfeed no matter how hard she tried, so we were working with formula. I knew that was hard for my sister. She blamed herself so much for not being able to nurse her child.
I tried my best to convince her it had nothing to do with her skills as a mother, but I knew she didn’t believe me. I never would’ve been able to understand her pain through it all, either. I wasn’t a mother. I didn’t have the same struggles of trying to feed my daughter. Every time Sammie tried, she’d burst into tears from feeling like a failure. It wasn’t until the doctor recommended going to formula that Reese began eating.
Even then, Sammie had a hard time getting the little girl to take a bottle from her.
“Here,” she said, handing it to me. “She wouldn’t take it. It’s still kind of warm, but I don’t know. Maybe I gave it to her when it was too warm? Oh gosh, what if it was too warm and I burned her? What if—”
“Sammie. It’s fine. She’s fine. Don’t worry.”
She paced back and forth, raking her hands through her hair. She looked a mess. She’d been wearing the same clothes for days and hadn’t showered in who knew how long. Her eyes were swollen from lack of sleep, mixed in with her constant flow of tears. It was clear each and every day she was getting closer and closer to her breaking point, and I couldn’t blame her.
I didn’t see Reese’s father in that little girl’s face. I didn’t see his eyes, or his nose, or the crooked smile that he might’ve had. I didn’t see the way she resembled the man who’d stolen something away from my sister to create this beautiful child.
But Sammie did.
She saw him in her waking dreams and her nightly nightmares. She saw parts of him in Reese’s eyes, in her smile, in her everything. It was a daily reminder of the tortured situation she’d been placed in. It was a reminder of what had happened to her all those months ago, when she’d finally allowed herself to take a break and let loose.
I begged her to go to therapy, but she swore she was fine without. I begged her to talk to me, yet she told me she was fine. I prayed she’d open up to someone—anyone—because I knew she wasn’t doing okay.
Reese began to fuss while I was feeding her, and as the baby’s irritation started to rise, so did Sammie’s.
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” Sammie kept saying, kept reciting as she moved back and forth across the small space. Her hands were pressed against her ears as her annoyance grew more and more from the noise that had shaken us awake in the night. “I can’t . . . I . . . just stop crying! Shut up!” my sister hollered at the top of her lungs.
My heart shattered in the moment as Sammie paused her movements and looked up at me with tears sitting on the forefront of her eyes. I knew she was seconds away from a breakdown. Seconds away from spiraling further and further into the pit she’d been falling in for months now.
“I hate her,” she confessed, and in that very instant my heart split into two. “I hate her so much, Emery,” she said before covering her mouth with her hand and breaking down into uncontrolled sobs.
I held Reese to my chest and gave my sister a small smile, trying my best to hide how much she scared me in that moment. “Hey, how about you go take a shower, Sammie? Clear your mind and regroup. Then go to sleep. I got Reese. Don’t you worry, okay? I got her.”
Sammie opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Only an involuntary nod of agreement as tears streamed down her cheeks, and then she walked away toward the bathroom.
The sigh I’d been holding inside me for so long evaporated as I listened to the water start running. My main task now was to soothe Reese.
I rocked the little girl in my arms and got her to take the bottle after a few moments. When she stared up at me with those doe-brown eyes, I could tell she was exhausted too.
“I know, I know, sweet girl. It’s okay. I know you’re just doing your best. We’re all trying our best, okay? You’re okay. You’re more than okay. You’re so good,” I promised her, rocking her slightly in my arms as she kept her stare on me. “And you know what? Your mama is good too. She’s so, so good, Reese. And she loves you so much, no matter what. Okay? I just need you to know your mama loves you. She’s trying her best. I promise you, she’s trying her best.”
After a while, Reese faded back to sleep, and I laid her back in her crib. Once she was asleep, I went to head back to bed, but I noticed that the shower was still running.
“Sammie, you okay?” I asked, knocking on the door. My chest tightened when I didn’t get a reply. I knocked louder this time. “Sammie? Are you good?”
I heard mumbles, but still, no reply.
When I turned the doorknob, I witnessed my sister sitting in the bathtub as the water poured overhead. She was rocking back and forth as she scrubbed her arms up and down with her hands, to the point that her arms were reddened from how hard she was scrubbing.
“Sammie . . . ,” I whispered, taking steps closer to her.
The Mixtape Page 21
