by Nicole Thorn
My heart felt like it was going to stop beating. I was full of anger and grief and sorrow for him. If the man he was talking about was in my sights, I wouldn’t hesitate to snap his neck.
Hale continued. “I was only ten when she died. I was about to turn eleven when he first started hitting me. It was just that in the beginning. And it was just with me. It got worse after we moved. Mason left for college and I was alone with Ethan and our father. At first, he only hit me when he ran out of alcohol. And it was only when I annoyed him. That didn’t last long.” He looked down at the scar on his wrist, the one I noticed the day I met him. “I got home from school and as soon as the door closed, he threw me against the wall. Thankfully Ethan was at his friend’s house. He didn’t have to see. My father threw me around for a while. He threw me against my bed and the frame broke. The metal ripped through my shirt and,” he didn’t finish talking but he pointed to his chest. “When I tried running he decided that he needed to punish me for it. So he shoved me against the counter and pulled out a stake knife. He did this,” he held his wrist out.
“A few years later,” he went on, “When I was fourteen, I stayed after school without telling him. It was just trying to avoid going home. But when I did, he…did what he did.” I think he was sparing me the details for my benefit, not his. “And he did this,” he pointed to the scar on his throat. “That one bled a lot. If Ethan didn’t find me, I would have…” He shook his head. “I told him I fell.”
“Why?” I made an astonished and tearful sound. “Why wouldn’t you tell some one? Mason, a teacher? Anyone? Why would you keep that a secret?”
He stared at my bed. “Dad told me if I did then they would take Ethan and put him in foster care. He said that bad things would happen to him. So I took the trade. Bad things happening to me so they wouldn’t happen to him. I’m his big brother. I’m meant to protect him. Dad never touched him, so I let it be. I could handle getting hit if I was the only one.”
I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t figure out how to process what I was hearing. How this boy went through this and still remained sweet and kind.
“But Ethan knows now?”
“They all do. There’s a story for every scar, but I don’t think I want to see the look on your face as I cause you more pain. So I’ll wrap up my story.”
I put my hands on his face. “Tell me anything that you want to. Don’t worry about me.”
He held my shaking hand to his heart. “The very last time he ever hit me, I was sixteen. Barely. Ethan was only twelve. I was the only one my father ever beat, but I came home late. And Ethan was there instead of me.” My heart stopped beating as I tried to will the past to change so this wouldn’t have happened. “When I got home he was already hurting Ethan. He had had him against the wall and he was slamming his head into it. And Ethan was crying, begging him to stop. He didn’t understand why he was hurting him. I pulled my father off of him and he went insane. When he went after Ethan again, I stopped him.”
I asked a question that I was fairly sure of the answer. “How?”
He swallowed and looked me in the eyes. “I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the first knife I saw. His hands were still around Ethan’s throat and I sank the knife into his stomach. And I wretched it up.”
Good. It was the only thought in my head. Good. The bastard was dead and gone. Far from anyone he can hurt. And I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that he was in Hell right now. Hopefully getting special treatment from my father.
“He let go of Ethan and dropped to the ground. He was bleeding so quickly. I thought about calling an ambulance the second it happened. But I waited. I wanted him dead. I was looking into his eyes when he took his last breath. Then I made the call. I killed my father in front of my brother. A child. He watched the man die and it was all my fault when it destroyed him.”
Reflexively I wrapped my arms around Hale’s neck. “You were keeping him safe. You saved him.”
“I ruined him,” he pressed his forehead against my shoulder.
“You didn’t. He’s a good kid. He’s just a little troubled. It’s nothing he can’t get past. He’s trying, and he’s doing well.”
“I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I just didn’t want to ruin you too. And I wanted to save myself. I didn’t want to watch the horror on your face as I told you what I was.”
I pulled him back so I could look into his eyes. “You did a brave thing. I don’t feel any different about you than I did before.” I paused. “Wait. That’s not true. I know you better now. And I know the kind of man you are. You’re a good person. You’re strong and you protect the people you love. I can see who you are and you’re amazing, Hale.”
“I’m a killer,” everything about him read bleak. I wanted to fix it. “I’m a psycho.”
That felt like a kick to the chest. I called him that when I was angry. I didn’t mean the words even as I was saying them. And he believed me. I might not ever be able to fix that.
“No you’re not. You’re wonderful and you’re strong and I—” Oh fuck. I knew what I was about to say. Did he? Judging by his face I’d say no. He had no clue I was in love with him. “You are the very best person I know. For everything you’ve done for the people you love.”
“I let him die, Rory. And you know how I handled it? I started drinking daily, downing pills. Using girls. The only reason I live here is because my aunt couldn’t handle it anymore. We went to live with her and it took less than two years for our behavior to get her to ship us out here to Mason and Mollie.”
“It was a lot for someone your age to go through. It’s not your fault that you didn’t know how to handle it.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, like he was trying to erase memories. “Can I tell you a story about my mother?”
“Of course.”
“When I was a little boy I used to be frightened of thunder. Where I grew up, it was very stormy. So as you can imagine, I had to deal with that fear a lot. But after a few incidences of waking up my mother in the middle of the night, she found a solution. When it was storming out, she would put Ethan to bed and she would sit up with me in my bedroom watching movies until I fell asleep. The first time, she left when I fell asleep. I woke up alone in the dark and I panicked at how profoundly alone I felt. It was like I was the only one in the world. I cried and my mother came back. She soothed me and I calmed down. She made a promise that I’d never be without her. Because even when she was gone, she was in my heart. She said that when I was born, I got half of her heart. Ethan got the other half. Mason was never much for such sentiment, so my mother had another tale for him. She said she gave her heart to us so that we’d always be connected. She gave me her locket. It was in the shape of a heart. It was to remind me when I forgot.”
I saw pain and happiness in his eyes as he spoke about her. I was just starting to understand just how much losing her made him lose himself.
“So,” he went on. “She started leaving me notes when I fell asleep. Little things to remind me that I wasn’t alone. I still have them. They’re all in a box in my bedroom. Anyway, one of these nights we watched Finding Nemo. I hated the movie. Who in their right mind starts a movie with the death of hundreds of baby fish?”
I laughed through tears.
“There was this one line in the movie that stuck with me. That little blue fish. What was her name?”
“Dory,” I smiled.
“Dory. She was talking to the other fish and she was begging him not to leave her. While she was pleading she said ‘I look at you and I’m home’. And I knew what that felt like. Whenever I was scared, or I felt alone, all I needed was my mother and I was okay again. Then she was just gone. I didn’t have her and I didn’t feel like I had a home.”
My tears were still quiet but they were falling more and more every second he spoke.
“Then we moved to America. The feeling only got worse, for obvious reasons. All I had of my mother other than a few pictures was her loc
ket. I tried so hard to be numb and nothing was working. It all kept coming back and it was only getting worse. Then I met you.”
He swept his thumb under my eye and caught some of the tears that were falling. “Things felt different then. Every day when I saw you again, I’d feel…different. Better and worse at the same time. My eyes would fall on you and I wouldn’t feel lost anymore. I’d feel home again. It was both familiar and new. Then I went and ruined it all. I didn’t want my darkness to destroy your light. So I tried chasing you away. And it worked. I was alone again and I couldn’t see past the darkness anymore. Everything felt incredibly pointless. I just wanted to feel home again. I’m so sorry that my selfishness won’t let me free you, but I’m not sure I can survive being alone anymore. I don’t want to try. I wish I cared about you enough to leave forever and not look back.”
The idea of that caused me to make a weak, broken sound. “I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay with me.” I want more than I deserve to ask for. “Don’t try leaving again.”
“I should. I really should just pack my bags and go far from here. Leave you in peace.”
“I don’t want that.”
“You will. When you finally start seeing what I am, you’ll want me gone.”
I shook my head and wiped away more tears. “No. I know exactly what you are and I want you.”
I think he was choosing not to hear me, because he said, “I still have those moments. The ones where I wake up in the early hours of the morning. Before the sun comes up. Do you ever feel that? Like you’re alone and broken and nothing will ever feel right again? It’s such a lonely feeling. I don’t do well when I’m alone.”
I wish I knew what he felt like. But I didn’t. This kind of pain was new for me. When I was in a dark place I knew how to pull myself out. I’d find someone I loved and I’d let them do it.
“I’m here now. You don’t have to be alone. I can stay with you your whole life. You don’t have to wake up alone anymore.”
“I do. Because I’m afraid that I’ll drag you down to where I am. And at least one of us needs to get out of this alive.”
“Please,” I held his face in my hands. “I’m not afraid of the dark. It’s too late to undo this. Please hear me.”
I could see that my words did nothing for him. So I tried something else. I pulled him to me and kissed him. I tried saying everything that I didn’t have words for. I needed to show him that nothing changed between us.
I laid back and he moved with me. We were in the same position as we were before, only this time he wasn’t running. My hands went to his back and I pulled him down so I could feel his weight on me. The pressure was comfortable and I loved feeling like I was surrounded by him.
He pulled my dress strap back and kissed me from my neck to my shoulder and back again. He stopped at my throat and looked down at me. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Why?” I whispered.
“You know why, Lamb.”
I sat up with my back against the backboard. “No. No I don’t. And if you tell me the reason that I think you’re going to then I’m gonna be a little upset with you.”
He laid on his back with his head at my hip. “I’m going to have to upset you then. Because I know now what I didn’t realize before. You deserve a lot better than me.”
I can’t do better than him. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. “No. I don’t accept that.” Of the hundred reasons we shouldn’t be together, that wasn’t even on the list.
“You have to.”
We sat quietly for a while and I went into my own head. I was in this so deeply. I was already in love. The thing I was trying to avoid. My options were these; I could not try. I could take no for an answer, because, honestly it was probably for the best. Not for why he thought it was. But because I could stop it from hurting me more later. Then comes option two. Because option one is ridiculous. Love was the threshold and I crossed it. It was too late for me. Even if I never saw him again, it would ache for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t go a single day without mourning him. Whether he was alive or dead.
So I could try. I could push and do as my father told me to. I could take what I wanted. I could fight. Because nothing was impossible. Could we win the fight if I was the only one fighting?
“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly as my fingers moved through his hair.
“What?”
“You’ve…you’ve been with a lot of girls. Why did you let them see your scars but not me?”
He didn’t take a second to answer. “Because you mattered. They didn’t.”
“None of them?”
“Not a single one.”
I was on top of him a second after that. There was surprise in his face before my lips went to his. He made a sound of protest but that only lasted a second. Then he made that growly sound again and it made me a little dizzy. Then I made a sound too, softer and more desperate.
He flipped us over and his hand gripped my waist. My legs moved around him and he rocked against me. My brain became mush and it was a real fight trying to not make a loud and embarrassing sound. I didn’t succeed.
He stopped kissing me. “Really, we shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t.”
I smiled. “Well, sweetheart, I’m not sure all of you got the memo.”
He looked down but he was pressed too tightly against me to see what I was feeling from him. “That isn’t my fault. The blame lies entirely with you. Though I apologize.”
“Don’t. I like it.”
His mouth dropped open slightly and an eyebrow went up. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No,” I said with false guilt. “If I wanted to kill you, I’d do something like this,” my hand moved down his sides and I dropped my legs so I could reach his zipper.
“Okay then,” he rolled off of me and onto his back. “We should just end that right there.”
I sucked in a breath between my teeth. “Should we?”
“Yes,” he covered his face with his hands.
My door opened and Hadley was on the other side. She was holding her phone and her eyes went to the two of us.
Hale moved quickly to cover himself with a pillow, but if Hadley’s giggles were anything to go by, she already saw.
“Guess I know what you guys were up to,” she smiled. “Sis, I took it upon myself to stock your nightstand with condoms. Clearly you need them. But it feels a lot better without them. So I suggest you try and figure out the rhythm method since the pill won’t work on us.”
“W-what do you mean the pill won’t work on us?!”
She looked at Hale. “Later. Anyway, Mom’s gone for the night and we’re ordering dinner. Blue Balls over there can join us if he wants.”
“Hadley! Be nice.” I looked over to him and he looked like he was trying way too hard not to care about this. “Wanna stay for dinner?”
“Sure,” he said flatly before he pulled his sweater back on.
We ordered from a Chinese place and we all sat at the table while we ate.
“Back off. Brom Cat,” Hadley warned him. “I will kill you.” He kept looking up at her. Expectantly. Probably because she always feeds the stupid cat.
Hale took a bite of his food. “So, you’ll tell me some stuff but not all?” he asked after I finished explaining as best as I could. My father already let the cat out of the bag. I was trying my best to pick up the pieces.
“Yes. Are you going to be able to deal with half answers to everything?”
“I think so. Hadley is your sister? And Walter is your brother?”
I nodded. “Louie is our dad.”
“How did Maddy get involved in any of this?”
I wondered how he would react to this next part. “She’s our sister too.”
His eyes widened slightly. “Sister? How old is she?”
“Older than she looks. A lot older. She raised us since we were a day old.”
“Hale,” Hadley said, “Can
you pass the wood—I mean salt?” she snickered and he narrowed his eyes at her as he passed the salt. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I’m never coming back here. I hope you know that’s your fault.”
“I’m sorry. This must be really hard on you,” she almost didn’t get the words out before she exploded with laughter.
“Stop it,” I said as I fought a smile.
“Sorry,” she picked at her food. “This place is good.”
“Yeah. It’s better than the last place we ordered from.”
She smiled and I knew I was screwed. “Yup. They’ve got some stiff competition.”
“Jesus,” Hale mumbled.
“HADLEY! Don’t make me hurt you!”
She held her hands up. “I surrender. I’m done I promise.”
Hale shook his head. “Anyway, what about your biological mother?”
“We never get to meet them. He…gets us and brings us to someone he picks out for us. A sibling.” He did it for many reasons. Only some of them I knew. To help keep the secret. To ensure we know what we are. To help keep an eye on us.
Hale breathed out and tried to figure it out in his head. “That makes no sense.”
“I would if you had all of the pieces.”
“So I guess that will always remain a mystery. What do you know about your mother?”
“Not much. I have her eyes and I was born in Paris.”
“She was an artist,” Hadley said. Our eyes went to her and she explained. “I remember Louie saying that when he dropped you off. She liked to paint.”
My head dropped and I stared at nothing.
“Do you wish he left you in Paris?” Hale asked.
My eyes went up. “No. I love my family. I wouldn’t trade what I have for someone I don’t know.” And my mortal mother would die one day. I’d be all alone. “I’m happy with this life.”
After we were done eating I made Hadley do the dishes alone for all of her jokes. If Hale really didn’t come back I’d hurt her for it.
