‘It’s time to start saying no to what you don’t want and yes to the things that you do.’
‘I can’t say no. My mother...’
And that was it, Nikolai knew. Her voice had been ignored so much that she simply didn’t know how to use it.
Except he was sure that she did: he believed in Rachel far more than she did.
He remembered the reason that he was here, the reason he had stopped by. He had spent the day not just thinking but acting on his thoughts.
Rachel didn’t need to hear them now.
He could see that she was near to tears and holding them in, just as he had when he had finally told Yuri.
She needed time, and to sort her head out, and yet she needed to sort it out fast if she was going to get out of going to the wedding.
He could stay, push for her to see sense, but Nikolai did not operate like that. He wanted only the best for her and that was to work things out for herself.
And he knew how.
He removed his hands from her and held her cheeks between his palms.
‘You have to do what’s right for you.’
‘I know.
‘Nikolai...’ She wanted to ask him to go with her tomorrow again but she was too proud to ask twice. But then, just as she went to be brave, to ask him to reconsider, his lips came to her mouth.
He was kneeling and moved in closer and it was a deep sensual kiss with his tongue slipping into her mouth. It was a slightly possessive kiss. Perhaps, Rachel thought, he was making his claim after André.
And there was longing, there was always longing when there was Nikolai, but as his body moved closer as she went to kiss him back, to part her knees so he could move in closer still, the oddest thing happened.
He felt the roll of her tongue, and then it stilled.
‘Nikolai...’ She pulled back. She had just told him the darkest, most difficult part of her life, she had just been pounced on by André and, well, it was insensitive at best to move in for a kiss. And, given his hands were now moving down from her face and up her dress, it was more than a kiss he had in mind.
‘Not now...’ She just said it.
‘Sorry?’ he checked.
‘I just...’ Rachel felt his hands halt their roaming of her thighs. ‘I think I need some time.’
‘Time?’ Nikolai frowned as if he didn’t understand what she meant.
‘I’m not really in the mood for doing it on the chair!’ Rachel snapped, and made things very clear. She was cross. Oh, yes, he’d been lovely and everything while she’d told him but really! ‘I just told you...’ Oh, she didn’t want to go over the abuse stuff again, so she moved on to another slight. ‘I just asked you to come to the wedding. It took a lot to ask you...’ Oh, what was the point? Rachel thought. ‘I need some time to think.’
‘And you can’t do that with me?’
‘Not with your hands up my dress,’ she snapped. ‘Can you just go?’
‘You want me to leave?’ Nikolai checked.
‘I do.’ She stood and smoothed down her dress over her thighs in the way he adored.
‘You’re sure,’ he checked. ‘Or we could—’
‘I’m sure, Nikolai.’
She even held the door open for him.
‘Text if you need anything,’ he offered.
‘Sure.’
‘I mean it.’
And only when he’d gone and Rachel stood in the hallway alone did she finally break down and cry.
He stood on the other side of the door for a few moments and heard the dam break and the wretched sound of her tears. He fought the urge to go back in there.
He had curled up on the bed after he had told Yuri and that had been the last time he had cried, as he had let go of the past. And then, the next morning, there had been a knock on the door and Yuri had put his head around and had told him he was late and to get to the galley and make breakfast.
A new normal.
He had walked out of that cabin a different young man.
Yes, Rachel needed that time by herself, so he headed to his car and back to his yacht.
Years later Yuri had told him he had sat all night wondering if he’d said the right thing, wanting to check that Nikolai was okay while knowing he’d needed space.
Yes, he had been by himself but someone who’d cared had been thinking about him.
So Nikolai sat and drank vodka infused with ginger with his phone by his side.
Rachel was by herself, but she was not alone.
His mind was with her all through the night.
Oh, she needed to cry, not for him but for the fifteen-year-old she had been and for nearly two decades of guilt and shame that she had lugged around with her.
* * *
Rachel cried and cried and then she got angry.
And then she started going through the computer, trying to find his name and where he lived, and she had visions of driving across London and...
Except, like Nikolai, Rachel didn’t want to hand over yet another chapter of her life to him.
She didn’t want to be sitting in a police station a few hours from now, explaining why she’d run the bastard over or kicked in his door.
She wanted her life to start.
A new life, free from the past.
Yes, she wanted to fall into her life and suddenly felt calmer.
Calmer than she could ever remember feeling.
And it turned out that Yuri was right, because Rachel felt lighter.
She thought about texting Nikolai, to thank him for listening, but then remembered that she was cross with him for the hand-up-the-dress moment.
Bloody men, Rachel thought, very glad she’d said no.
She’d said no!
And she could do it again.
So instead of tracking down the address of her abuser, she picked up the phone.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Oh, you’ll never believe it,’ Evie said. ‘Mary just rang and poor André got jumped on his stag night...’
Rachel rolled her eyes at André’s quick attempt to cover the mess Nikolai must have made of his face. ‘Mum,’ Rachel took a breath. ‘I’m not going to be at the wedding.’
‘Don’t start.’
‘Mum, I used to go out with André—’
‘Oh, here you go, creating drama. That was ages ago.’
‘We were sleeping together right up till you told me he was engaged to Shona.’ She chose not to tell her mother about afterwards, or what had gone on tonight—not that it would have made a difference, Rachel thought as her mother carried on.
‘Rachel...my sister has been good to me and if you think for a moment I’ll let you ruin her daughter’s—’
‘Mum,’ Rachel broke in. ‘I’ve been asked to be Nadia’s godmother and I want to be. I take it very seriously. I want to be there for her if she needs me and that starts now. I want her to be able to talk to me—’
‘Rachel—’
‘No,’ Rachel interrupted. ‘I am not going to the wedding. I am not turning my head away and pretending nothing is wrong, or nothing awful is happening. You can,’ Rachel said. ‘But I won’t. Ever. I’m going to be the best bloody godmother I can possibly be...’
Unlike you.
She didn’t say it, but there was a silent dare in Rachel’s voice for her mother to push this conversation on.
She had a voice and she would use it now.
‘Well, it sounds as if you’ve made up your mind,’ Evie said.
She had.
And she had made her mind up about other things too.
First she texted Libby and said that she would love to be there tomorrow and, if it didn’t cause too much trouble, she would be thrille
d to be Nadia’s godmother.
Then she took the article she had written about the closing night of Firebird and put it up on her blog and hit ‘Publish’.
It was done.
She put out her outfit for tomorrow and the gift that she had bought for Nadia, and she knew that she’d lied, not just to Nikolai when he’d asked but to herself. She did want a baby of her own. She had been terrified she might not be a good mother. But she would be, she knew it now.
They could both have night-lights, Rachel thought with a smile, then it wavered as a fresh batch of tears came.
Not shameful tears, not even angry ones.
Just sad ones about the man she would miss for ever.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A NEW NORMAL.
Rachel lay in the bath, with rollers in her hair and teabags on her eyes, and the anxiety that had been her cumbersome friend for so long was gone.
She was both looking forward to today and also dreading it.
Godmother to little Nadia, being amongst friends, instead of some nightmare family function, it was a perfect day.
Apart from Nikolai leaving.
Still, she was not going to let that ruin things for her or her friend so she hauled herself out of the bath.
She took out her heated rollers and while her hair cooled she dressed carefully for the christening. Last night she had chosen her lovely willow-green dress teamed with subtle nude shoes. This morning she changed her shoes to very high-heeled sandals that were a bit tarty for church, but they were too good to stay home!
She put on her make-up and examined her teeth and remembered that tomorrow she was going to the dentist to see about braces.
Yet that gap seemed less important now.
A taxi took her to the church and there was a flurry of nerves in her stomach as it pulled up and she looked out of the window.
‘Just give me a moment,’ Rachel said.
It was going to be so hard to say goodbye and she wanted just a moment to nail on her smile.
There were Sev and Naomi back from their honeymoon and Libby and Daniil speaking with Anya.
And there was Nikolai.
So beautiful.
He was dressed in a dark suit and was clean-shaven, and he was talking to Libby, seemingly without a care in the world. He looked more relaxed and happy than she had ever seen him.
It just didn’t seem fair that he could be so together when her heart was breaking, but she was, Rachel vowed, going to do this right.
The last two times she had said goodbye had been awful.
She thought of the tense dodging of his kiss yesterday morning and then holding the door to let him out last night.
It had been sex to him and she got that.
He had been everything to her and she would say goodbye nicely the third time. She would give him the gift and thank him for all he done for her.
Because, yes, even with a broken heart she felt lighter.
She got out of the taxi and walked towards the gathering, her smile firmly in place.
Libby, holding Nadia, broke from the group and almost fell on Rachel’s neck she was so pleased to see her. ‘Oh, I’m so glad you made it. Do you have to dash off after?’
‘No, no.’ Rachel shook her head and then looked down at the baby.
She was wrapped in the blanket that Rachel had bought her and was asleep and content and just beautiful.
‘Can you imagine Anya as godmother?’
They shared a little laugh.
‘We’ve got an extra guest,’ Libby told her. ‘You’ll never guess—’ But Libby didn’t get to finish because Anya, Queen of Ice, had made her way over and actually kissed Rachel on both cheeks.
‘I read your piece,’ she said. ‘It was amazing. Rachel, I will be in touch and we’ll have to see what we can do about tickets for opening night...’
Oh, my!
Then Anya turned—in fact, they all did as a car drew up and, no, Rachel really couldn’t keep up.
Was that Daniil getting out of the car?
But, no, he was already here.
It was Roman!
‘Oh...’ Rachel said. ‘Isn’t he the missing one?’
‘He was never missing,’ Anya scoffed. ‘He’s been in Paris.’
‘You knew where he was,’ Libby accused. ‘And you didn’t tell Daniil...’
‘You’ve heard of Russian mail-order brides,’ Anya sneered. ‘Roman was a mail-order groom to some bored, rich, middle-aged woman in Paris...’
‘No.’ Rachel started to laugh.
‘Oh, yes,’ Anya sneered. ‘Alfonso...’
She turned as she felt Nikolai beside her. ‘What does alfonso mean?’ Rachel asked.
‘Male gigolo.’ He smiled too but then he was serious. ‘You made it.’
‘I did.’ Rachel nodded. ‘I rang my mum and told her...’ She gave a little shake of her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. You look very nice!’
He did.
Nikolai was dressed for a wedding, in fact.
Yes, despite harsh words yesterday he had decided he would watch the baby get dunked, race across the city to be at the wedding and by Rachel’s side then race back to catch up with Sev.
Which was supposed to be the reason he was here after all.
But those reasons had changed now.
He looked down at a woman who had made it. He had read her piece online about two this morning and was very, very proud of her.
Yes, his mind had been on her all night.
‘I see you published your work. Anya’s been glowing...’
‘I did.’ Rachel nodded and then she did another brave thing. ‘Could we talk after the christening party? I know you’re heading off tomorrow, I just—’
‘I’m going to be meeting with Sev and the others,’ Nikolai said. ‘He flies back to New York later tonight and they’re going to come back to the yacht so we can catch up.’
‘It’s fine.’ Rachel shook her head. She had wanted to say thank you, to give him his gift, but she couldn’t do that here without crying.
‘Maybe come over after they’ve gone,’ Nikolai suggested.
Oh, yes, she thought, remembering how he had tried it on last night.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Up to you.’ Nikolai shrugged and walked off.
She’d get a bloody refund on his ship, Rachel thought, and let out an angry breath.
And then she let it go. After all, there was a special star today.
Nadia Rachel Zverev.
That made her cry.
It was a lovely service and Rachel was so glad that she had made the effort to be there. Instead of dashing off after the service to be at a wedding she did not want to attend, she found herself back at Libby and Daniil’s huge apartment.
There was chatter and laughter and pink cupcakes and champagne.
Pink everything really!
As the gathering started to thin out Nikolai looked out at the view. It was the same as last week, only different also—two warm weeks meant that clouds were gathering. A storm to clear the air was brewing and from this penthouse apartment it would be a spectacular sight.
Nikolai loved to watch storms from the theatre that was the ocean, to be in it, to feel the roll of the waves and the power of nature unleashed.
Rachel came and stood by him and he turned and gave her a smile.
She was a storm in his life.
And Nikolai loved a good storm.
He saw she was holding little Nadia.
‘For someone who doesn’t want babies,’ Nikolai commented, ‘you can’t put her down.’
‘She cries when she’s put down,’ Rachel told him.
And,
yes, so would she.
But not in the same way as before.
They would be healing tears she would weep, not regretful ones. She didn’t regret a thing about her time with Nikolai. Even what had happened with André had pushed her to a better place.
‘I think I’ve changed my mind about not wanting babies.’ She saw his slight startle. ‘Don’t worry, Nikolai, we’ve been careful and I’m on the Pill. I shan’t be calling you on your satellite phone or Morse coding you...’ She saw his tiny frown. ‘Or semaphoring you that I’m pregnant...’
She did make him smile.
‘You could always just send a text.’ His response was dry.
‘I like the semaphore idea,’ Rachel said.
‘Am I taking away your drama again?’
They smiled and were back to their first lovely night. He so calm and unruffled, she so dizzy and making shapes in the darkness of her mind.
‘Thank you.’ Rachel said what she had wanted to in private. ‘Thank you for an amazing couple of weeks and for...’ No, she was not going to cry here.
‘As I said, you can thank me in person tonight.’
‘I don’t think so.’
She wanted more than one-night stands and casual relationships now. She went to go into her bag to, hopefully, slip him his gift discreetly, but she was interrupted.
‘Nikolai...’
They turned at the sound of his name and, now that the party had thinned out, it was time for the men, after all these years, to catch up.
That was the reason he had stayed these two weeks, Rachel reminded herself.
She had been but a little stopgap and yet she could not resent that.
‘If you can’t make tonight, what about tomorrow?’ Nikolai said.
‘I’ve got the dentist tomorrow,’ Rachel sighed. ‘Mind you, if I’m thinking babies maybe I shouldn’t be blowing all that money on my teeth...’ And then she blinked and smiled. ‘That’s my first ever unselfish thought.’
‘I think you are far from selfish.’
‘Oh, I am,’ Rachel said. ‘I say and do the right thing but I seethe with resentment.’
They shared a smile.
‘Breakfast tomorrow?’ Nikolai offered.
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted, and it had nothing to do with cancelling the dentist, it was going to be hell saying goodbye. Maybe it would be better here, just get it over and done with, but she wanted to give him his ship and she wanted to be alone with him, just one more time. ‘Breakfast.’ Rachel nodded. ‘Shall I come to you?’
Billionaire Without a Past (Irresistible Russian Tycoons) Page 13
