by Becky Wicks
Jaxx turns from him to me. He looks like a bull about to charge. ‘We need to go talk to the girls…’
‘No we don’t.’ I reach for his arm. ‘We need to think this through.’ He yanks his arm away from me angrily, starts pacing the space between me and the well. The rain’s started up again. I know Jaxx doesn’t want Stephanie thinking badly of him. They’ve gotten pretty close since Mia and Karin left. I don’t know how close but he’s been working pretty hard on her. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t told her about the immunity charm himself. Or has he? He could be playing me now, for all I know.
‘What do we do?’ Jaxx says, but the rain’s getting heavier and I know we’re going to have to head back to the shelter.
‘We’ll tell the girls we have the charm, make some kind of deal so they don’t all turn against us,’ I say, cutting through the trees with him behind me. Not that being here could get any worse.
Several hours later I’m lying on my side in the shelter, listening to the soft rain and the sound of the others breathing. I’m trying to come up with a strategy but the way things are going, I have no clue what else I can do. If everyone wants me out, the immunity charm won’t make any difference in the end. Maybe I was an idiot for thinking I could win this, all things considered. My head’s pounding again; cloudy. I can’t even focus anymore. I need to talk to Evan. I need to talk to someone.
‘Joshua?’
I hold my breath. Alyssa’s right next to me. I thought she was asleep.
‘Are you OK?’
I say nothing and she’s silent for a second, but she shuffles closer to me in the half-light. I feel her hand sweeping over my bare chest before she moves it up to my face. I jolt away from her but she catches my fingers. ‘Are you crying?’ she whispers.
Am I? Damn. I swipe at my face, hold my breath, but she felt my tears and she’s shuffling closer still, forcing me back onto my side. She puts a hand to the back of my neck. I can feel the familiar warmth of her spreading through me like a heat wave as she takes my other hand and holds it between us on the dry leaves. Our noses are almost touching on the scrunched up T-shirt I call a pillow. ‘You have to talk to me,’ she whispers.
My heart’s a bomb exploding over and over. She strokes my face again and my hand moves to her hip, then her back as I pull her against me and bury my face in her hair. She lets me hold her for a moment. Our bodies meld together like they always do and I never pray, but I pray to the goddam island now, in this second, that everything we've built won't shatter around us and burn her in the fallout. She cares more than she should, and so do I, and it's my fault.
Selfish.
She lifts her head, kisses me softly. The magnetic pull I always feel keeps my lips moving with hers until my tongue joins in; softly at first, then harder, till we’re gripping each other like life rafts in the damn ocean and I can’t even stop my tears. ‘Joshua,’ she says, so softly I barely catch it. ‘I want to be here for you.’ My hands clutch fistfuls of her hair as I keep on kissing her, anchored to her mouth like it’s holding me together. I think it actually is. ‘Let’s go outside,’ she whispers.
My joints move on autopilot, crawling behind her on all fours till we’re outside on the sand and she’s leading me down the beach towards the rocks. She stops halfway, turning to me in the drizzling rain, still holding my hands. She’s lost so much weight; her hipbones are poking out above her bandana skirt. Her hair is braided at the front, tied at the bottom with bits of a fishing net we found washed up. ‘Talk to me,’ she says.
‘Punk knows we have the immunity charm,’ I say, swiping a hand over my face.
She steps towards me. ‘I know. He told me. Everyone knows. Why are you crying?’
I step past her, scanning the tree line for the cameras. She follows me down the beach. ‘I know you don’t want to talk about what’s really happening to you, Joshua, but whatever it is, you can’t just pretend it’s going to go away - it’s hurting you.’
I say nothing. I keep on walking till she steps in front of me again in the sand, puts her hands against my chest. Her eyes are pleading now. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘Nothing’s wrong with me.’ The cameras are everywhere. A thousand pairs of eyes; maybe a million by the time this airs. Pull it together.
‘What happened to you today, out there on the raft? It happened to you before, in the challenge, didn’t it?’
I bite my cheeks. Alyssa notices me looking at the camera, steps towards me and lowers her voice. ‘Please, tell me what’s going on. I’m worried about you!’
‘Don’t be,’ I tell her as anger… no, mortification flares through me. This is everything I didn’t want. I keep on walking. We’re at the rocks now. I’m about to climb up but she catches my arm, forces me back to the sand, puts her hands on my shoulders. The wind catches her hair and blows it around her face in the moonlight.
‘Joshua. You can’t keep telling me you’re OK. You’re not OK. I know you,’ she says. Her face is pained as she looks up at me.
‘You don’t know me, Alyssa,’ I tell her quickly, and her eyes widen. They’re kryptonite. I can’t look at them. The cameras are probably zoomed right in on us now, too. I turn sharply, walk away from her in the other direction across the sand.
‘Why did you shut out your ex?’ She’s yelling now, running to catch me up again. She sounds angry - she's flipped in a heartbeat.
‘We were never together!’
‘Because you shut her out! You admitted it. And now you’re doing the same to me. Joshua, just tell me what’s wrong with you!’
‘The only thing wrong with me is you,’ I say before I can stop myself. I stop an inch from her pleading eyes. ‘This is a fucking game, Alyssa, and you can’t be here for me. You can’t be anywhere, or anything. We’re nothing. OK? Nothing.’
I turn around, head into the trees and this time she doesn’t try to follow.
27
Alyssa
‘Another interesting week, castaways,’ Ed Bernstein says from his place in front of us on the challenge pitch. His shirt is yellow and makes his tan look even more orange. ‘How are we all feeling on yet another eviction day?’
‘Uncoordinated,’ Jaxx says from his place next to Stephanie. We’ve just had to endure watching ourselves on the projector screen again, carrying on our dance routine without Shan. It made me miss him even more. Watching myself spinning and smiling and mastering steps on the screen is so surreal. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. And we don’t even know what we’re dancing for.
‘Alyssa, it’s been three days now, how would you describe the mood around camp now that Shan’s gone?’ Ed asks, directing his gaze at me and folding his arms. ‘You guys were pretty close, wouldn’t you say?’
I draw a breath, clear my throat. The truth is I’ve been fluctuating between sadness and total fury since Shan left and Joshua went all Jekyll and Hyde on me. I’ve tried to keep quiet but of course, Ed would be fishing from me.
‘We were all pretty shocked to lose him like that,’ I say, but as the words leave my mouth I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I try not to let my chin wobble. The more people look at me, the more I want to bury my head in my hands, or the sand, or get off this stupid island altogether, but I stay focused on Ed, keep my back straight and my chin up. I came here to be strong; to take on this challenge, not to let another guy break me. I refuse to cry in the light of day, in a council meeting, with even more cameras in my face.
‘I miss him a lot,’ I add. ‘It’s been weird since he left.’
‘In what way?’ Ed presses as Stephanie reaches for my hand and Punk squeezes my knee. I take another breath. I can feel Joshua’s eyes on me from his seat behind me. I won’t turn my head and look at him. Looking at him would make it worse. I will not cry in Ed Bernstein’s face. I will not give them that footage.
‘It’s hard to know who to trust,’ I say carefully as the camera to my left moves in closer. ‘I guess when you spend so much time
with people, you feel like you should be able to trust them. Only, that’s not why we’re here, is it?’
Ed nods his head in contemplation and as Jaxx squeezes my shoulder from his seat I realize I really don’t trust anyone here anymore. Paradise turned to purgatory pretty fast. It’s like a wall’s been built around me suddenly. I’m an island on an island.
‘The weather hasn’t helped you guys,’ Ed says sympathetically, ‘not least because of those jellyfish. But through losing Shan, Punk here had a bit of a turnaround…’
Ed goes into Punk’s dramatic rescue and I zone out, but Punk’s next words bring me round again like a bucket of ice on my head. ‘I really just came here because of my fears,’ he says. ‘I haven’t told anyone here, as you know, Ed, but my friend was killed in a jet ski accident in Florida when I was a kid and since then I’ve had this almost crippling fear of the water. I just see bad things happening in there, you know?’
Everyone turns to him. Wow. I squeeze his knee right back as a wave of shame washes over me. God, I’m so selfish. My own dramas have made me blind to everyone else’s lately. Punk’s been suffering this whole time and I didn’t even really see it. Who cares if he would’ve drowned if I hadn’t been there… which is probably what would’ve happened, let’s face it. Just by being in that water, Punk’s self-confidence stopped sinking and started to swim. A rush of pride for him washes over me.
‘Good job then, Punk,’ Ed says, sincerely now. ‘Shan will be eternally grateful you faced that phobia head on.’ Punk flushes, a glimmer of a smile on his face and my heart goes out to him. He really is a sweetheart.
‘So, castaways, the time has come,’ Ed starts, turning from us and walking up the torch-lit pathway towards the voting booth. The cameras pan around us all and the lights flash on like they always do. I can’t help it now - I shoot a look at Joshua. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, staring at his wrought hands resting on the covered knees of his board shorts.
‘Who will be the next to leave this island?’ Ed continues, dramatically.
I swallow my nerves. Jaxx is the only one who can save him now. I’m not sure he will. I’ve seen the looks he’s been getting since the incident on the raft. Since he yelled at me, Joshua’s been keeping himself to himself, distancing himself from everyone, wandering off to the waterfall alone whenever he can.
He’s a liability, he’s a liar, he’s moody - that’s what the others have all been saying. Every time I look at him now a truck ton of emotions crash over me and I don’t even know what to think. If he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me. I’ve been humiliated enough. I need to just let it go and keep my focus on this game. That’s what Chloe would tell me. That’s what my own brain is telling me.
But my heart…
Block it out.
‘When you’re ready, one by one, starting with you please, Stephanie, let’s cast these votes.’
I watch her go - neon pink bikini top, scruffy daisy dukes low on her thinner hips. Jaxx follows, all six-foot-five of him, skinnier round the arms and middle. Punk goes up next. When he’s back, I stand up and head to the booth, pick up the pen and write Jaxx’s name automatically. He’s the biggest threat, to me at least. And I still can’t do it. I told Jaxx I would, and that Joshua had to go, but I can’t vote him out.
‘One more vote,’ Ed booms. ‘Joshua, would you please make your way to the booth.’
We cross on the path and he catches my eye before I can look away. Butterflies and every flying bug in this frickin’ jungle zoom through me. You could cut the tension with a machete but within minutes he’s walking back to us, six-pack shimmering with perspiration, and Ed is clapping his hands together. ‘Let’s count these babies up, shall we?’ he tells us. ‘But first, if anyone has the immunity charm, now is the time to play it.’
I keep my face forward. Ed’s looking at us expectantly. Time drags and I know Joshua’s waiting for someone to save him. America’s waiting for someone to save him.
The pitch is still silent. Jaxx isn’t going to save him and Joshua’s realized their alliance has been broken. Ed’s shuffling with the pieces of cardboard. I bite on my cheeks, sit up straighter on the bench; grip the sides of it with my sweaty palms.
‘The castaway with the most votes… the one leaving their Deserted journey today is…’
Ed takes a deep, dramatic breath, makes sure the cameras are panning round all of us, taking in every anguished expression.
‘Joshua,’ he finishes. ‘I’m so sorry, Joshua, it looks like the decision’s been made.’
My heart heaves against my chest as Ed walks closer. I turn around. Joshua’s face is pale. He’s not looking at me, or anyone as he stands up, whips the bandana off his head, ready to throw it into the fire, but Ed stops him in his tracks. His hand is out like a barrier now.
‘Wait a second. There’s something we didn’t tell you guys before you cast your votes today,’ he says.
Jaxx meets my eyes briefly, nervously. Stephanie’s frowning. Joshua’s wrenching his hands together and Punk’s just looking confused. What the hell are they doing to us now?
‘As you know,’ Ed Bernstein starts off slowly, ‘Shan was evicted from the game through no fault of his own this week. Therefore, it’s way too soon to let another one of you escape so easily.’
He shakes his head at all of us. ‘Joshua, we can’t let you go, buddy. But we will send you to Asylum Island, where you’ll stay alone until the next castaway voted out gets to battle you in a duel. Whoever loses leaves for good. The winner will stay on Asylum Island and keep on battling future evictees for the chance at a place in the final. Joshua…’ he stops to address the camera head on. ‘It’s not over yet.’
What?
I turn to him. He meets my eyes again for a split second and I see hope flicker like a candle before something darker crosses his face and he shoots Jaxx a look that could kill. He’s been betrayed, but he’s been thrown a lifeline. I clench the seat. This changes everything. Joshua can survive on Asylum Island. He can fish, he can climb. He’s the best person this could have happened to.
Punk looks at me, eyes wide and shocked. I almost want to laugh. Stephanie and Jaxx have their heads low now. They’re screwed and they know it. We all know they can’t be trusted, using that damn immunity charm between them.
‘Joshua,’ Ed says, stepping backwards with the cameras.‘ It’s time for a new adventure. Are you ready?’
Joshua stands up. The muscles in his back are tensed as he turns to narrow his eyes at Jaxx. Jaxx shrugs apologetically, like it will do him any good.
‘Keep your bandana - put that thing back on,’ Ed tells him as he climbs off the bench in bare feet. He obeys, tying it around the scruffy black hair that’s grown back on his head. He looks younger with it, somehow. It was soft when I last ran my hands through it. I clench my hands harder, remembering his arms around me, dancing with me by the well. And the way he looked when he told me we were nothing.
‘Now, Joshua. Is there anything you’d like to say to your team mates before you go set up camp on Asylum Island?’
I cross my arms around my body. He’s standing here now, running those eyes over all of us like an animal, sweat running down the cuts of his abs. His board shorts are hanging looser around his slimmer waist, revealing the band of white I know goes all the way down to his solid mid-thighs.
‘I didn’t think there was an I in team,’ he says, glaring straight at Jaxx. ‘But I was wrong. You’re looking at it.’
*
Back in the shelter, I’m listening to the voices of the others outside, sitting round the fire. They’re still discussing what happened in the council meeting. Of course, Jaxx is within his rights to use the immunity charm however he wants, but he’s actually wearing it proudly now – the string of shells on a leather cord that makes him look like some kind of warrior. I couldn’t be out there.
I can’t stop thinking of Joshua on that island, all by himself. In previous seasons of Deserted, Asylum I
sland has been the tiniest patch of a beach or forest with just a hammock between two trees, or some kind of shelter with room for two. I think I know where this one is. The other islands are too far away, and they wouldn’t put him on the staff one.
Before, when I climbed to the waterfall alone, before the rain started, I saw another trail leading from the top, downwards into the jungle. It was blocked off with branches – I think they tried to hide it. But they did a bad job. Is he lying there now, wondering who he’s going to have to fight to stay in this game? Is he hurting?
My mind slips back to before, when I heard him crying, right here in the dark. Whatever he does, however much he pushes me away, the fact that he’s in pain is killing me. We’re nothing, he told me, but I don’t believe him. I could just be a stupid girl... a stupid deluded girl going crazy with malnutrition and lack of contact with the world, but my heart's never known reality clearer than it knows it out here, and I don’t believe him.
I turn to my side, see his jeans folded up one sleep spot away. I reach for them but as I pull them towards me something rolls out of the pocket. I sit up, catch it before it tumbles out of the shelter. It’s a jar - small and clear with a white screw cap.
I spin around, make sure no cameras are in the shelter with me. Already a bad feeling is churning in my stomach. I turn the jar around in my hands as sweat breaks out on my palms. Oh my god.
Pills.
There’s no label on the jar but the sight of the big, scary looking capsules inside is bringing my heart to my throat and making me feel sicker by the second. What the hell does he need these for?
Footsteps outside are moving closer. I can tell without looking that it’s Jaxx. I shove the jar back into the jeans pocket quickly, but as Jaxx crawls inside and sees me scrunching them up as a pillow, I ignore the amused expression on his face and turn away from him. Tears flood my eyes now as my heart batters my ribcage.
