by Becky Wicks
You’re summer Joshua. I’m glad you’re here. Harri said those words before I froze over on her like a damn iceberg and I told myself, like an asshole, that she didn’t care too much; that she was OK because we were never all that serious. Harri was serious. But still, Harri wasn’t Alyssa.
‘These cameras are killing me,’ Alyssa says, swiping at her eyes and motioning to the kayak now floating less than three meters away. ‘What’s that smell?’
‘Lobster!’ I let her go, start swimming, fast. I can’t lose that stupid thing, it’s all I have to eat.
We make it back to the shore and she follows me as I pull it off the handmade grill with my hands. It’s not too badly burned. She watches me as I drop it into a coconut bowl I hacked with my machete. ‘Want some?’ I say.
She lets out a sigh. ‘No thanks. I’m still full of spaghetti.’
‘What?’
She drops to my side on the sand, studies me in the firelight. ‘Long story. Listen, you have to vote Jaxx out next.’
‘You don’t need to tell me that,’ I say, sitting down next to her. She moves to straddle me in the sand.
‘I didn’t think so. We’ve got it covered - I hope. You still have to win the duel,’ she tells me, hugging me with her legs as well as her arms.
I smile. ‘You don’t have to tell me that, either. How the hell did you get here without them seeing you?’ I run my hands up her back, draw her close and breathe into her skin. This girl is a miracle.
‘Stephanie and Jaxx are watching the latest Adam Sandler movie, courtesy of our lovely sponsors,’ she says. ‘I think Jaxx would’ve preferred the spaghetti but let’s just call that karma. Punk’s asleep.’
‘Sounds like I missed a lot.’
‘I missed you,’ she says, kissing my forehead and clenching my hair again. ‘I know it’s crazy… but… seriously, Joshua, tell me this thing isn’t all in my head?’
I shake my head, locking my arms around her damp, beautiful body. ‘No,’ I say quietly into her shoulder as my heart skids and slides at the realization. ‘It’s real.’
‘Then whatever it is, you can trust me,’ she says. ‘Whenever we both get out of here, we’re facing this together, OK?’
‘OK,’ I say. And I fall harder than ever, into Alyssa, away from everything else. I’ve been walking blindly for way too long, telling myself I liked it out there on my own. The truth is I’ve been running too fast to keep up with anyone, or to let anyone else keep up with me. I guess I didn’t want anyone to remind me how I was just running away from myself.
I hold her tighter, feeling her warmth; feeling her heart against mine still thumping. I've been an asshole. I shut everything I cared about in a box and kicked it to the curb of my mind, when those are the only things I should’ve focussed on. I didn’t want to get hurt, or feel stupid, or less of a man. Selfish.
Already the thought of missing Alyssa is more than I can stand.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe it doesn’t just have to be me anymore.
30
Alyssa
‘Joshua and Jaxx,’ Ed Bernstein says, raising his eyebrows at them. ‘When the players get played, huh?’
Jaxx’s eyes are on the floor. He never figured out we were messing with his obvious obsession with Stephanie. Punk and I made sure we were talking about voting her out very loudly as he was salvaging one egg from a chicken and we were walking past on the beach.
When he handed her the immunity charm to place over her guitar pendant at the votes yesterday, it was all I could do to stop from laughing out loud.
‘Jaxx - how do you feel about what happened at the last council meeting?’ Ed’s asking him now. Jaxx is standing here next to Joshua in his tattered Abercrombie shirt. He looks uncomfortable.
‘I got screwed,’ he manages after a moment, and then he forces a smile to his face. ‘Guess that’s the game, Ed,’ he adds begrudgingly.
‘But you guys got to kiss and make up last night. After you were voted out, Jaxx, you got to camp out with Joshua on Asylum Island. What was the main topic of conversation over there?’ Ed folds his arms, looks between them.
I catch Joshua’s eye and he looks away quickly, though I don’t miss the slight smile on his face. I’m pretty sure Joshua won’t have told Jaxx I paid him a visit on Asylum Island, and that we spent a good few hours stargazing again before I had to make a run for it. Thankfully no one missed me. I told them I’d been talking to the camera by the well. We’ve all been doing that a lot more, lately. I guess we have a lot more to talk about now - stuff we don’t feel like we can say to each other.
‘You can see more of the sky in the Southern Hemisphere than you can in the Northern Hemisphere,’ Joshua told me from our place on the sand before I left, pointing at the spangled stretch of the Milky Way that’s been out on show ever since the rains stopped. ‘You won’t ever see Scorpius back home.’
He traced the long, curving tail of it through the sky with his fingers then; ran his other hand through my hair, and then traced the curves of my body with his lips and hands.
‘I can’t imagine being back home,’ I told him truthfully.
‘Then let’s never go,’ he said.
‘One of you is leaving the game tonight,’ Ed says now, crashing into my thoughts. ‘One of you will win immunity against votes and therefore a place in the final three, but as a compromise, you will spend the remainder of your time on Asylum Island. This is where things can get crazy guys. Keep your head in the game.’
I grip my hands together in my lap, look at Punk and Stephanie in the blazing light of day. They both look as nervous as each other. Ed walks around the colored objects, scattered around the challenge pitch.
‘Jaxx and Joshua,’ he says loudly. ‘There are three braided ropes in front of each of you, attached to sliding blocks. Slide the blocks around to un-braid them. When the ropes are untied, you’ll release a key.’ He points upwards to the keys at the top of the ropes. ‘These keys will unlock a chest. In your chest you’ll find seven planks of wood.’
Ed walks across the sand to the chests - one red and one blue. ‘These planks will interlock in one way only to create a walkway,' he says. 'You must build these walkways as you go, carrying all your planks with you. Once you’ve built your individual walkways, at the end you’ll find a jigsaw puzzle. The first to complete this puzzle will win this challenge.’
He pauses dramatically as the cameras pan in on the guys. ‘Sounds easy, right?’
I look at Joshua in his white sleeveless T, the board shorts hanging below that six-pack. He doesn’t look too worried, but I know by now that his looks are deceiving. Jaxx has his fists clenched to his sides like he’s about to charge into an actual battle.
‘Now remember guys, a lot is at stake here,’ Ed tells them, stepping backwards to the side lines. ‘Concentrate and work quickly. Go!’
All my muscles tense in a heartbeat as both guys speed towards the ropes and my eyes are instantly glued to Joshua’s hands. Come on, come on, I mouth silently as he works to unbraid them.
‘Come on Jaxx!’ Stephanie yells suddenly and irritation flares through me. I resist the urge to call Joshua’s name – he doesn’t need distractions.
‘Jaxx, doing a nice job - off to a great start,’ Ed Bernstein comments, hovering around his braided ropes. I can see two of his are untwisted now; the key is dangling lower on one rope, like it wants to fall.
Joshua’s hands are moving like lightning. Concentration is etched on his face. My heart's bashing at my ribs and I grip Punk’s shoulder next to me. Stephanie cries out, ‘Yes!’ and my eyes flash back to Jaxx’s ropes. His key loosens.
‘Jaxx has his braids untied!’ Ed shouts enthusiastically, circling him like a hawk and my stomach knots as Joshua glances up. Jaxx grabs his key and races to the chest.
‘Joshua, you can do this!’ I yell out now. I can’t help it, but Punk joins in. ‘Joshua, come on, JOSHUA!’
‘Jaxx - unlocking the chest now,’ Ed comments,
‘getting a good head start, gathering up his planks. Will Joshua un-braid those ropes… YES. He will. Nice work Joshua.’
I breathe a huge sigh of relief as Joshua’s key finally snakes down the rope and he grabs his, speeding to his chest. The lock is open and his planks are gathered in his arms in seconds.
‘Both big, strong guys here,’ Ed says, trailing them as they both kneel on the floor, working to see which plank fits across the first posts. ‘Who’s going to be the best at building these seven-piece walkways? Each one only fits in one place, guys, remember, take your time.’
The cameras block Joshua from my line of vision for a moment, but when I see him again, Jaxx is just ahead of him. ‘One plank in, good job Jaxx!’ Ed booms. I’m holding my breath again. You can do this…
‘You must carry all your planks with you, guys! Jaxx, start building your path as you go. Joshua, one plank in, nice work. Catching up quickly…’
‘Faster, Joshua!’ I yell at him now, squeezing Punk’s bony shoulder, and for a second I can imagine Shan watching this on TV, jumping up and down like me. I can imagine Chloe and Noah watching me, cheering Joshua on. I hope.
‘Joshua! One more plank in,’ Ed cries out and we all yell as we watch him shoot along the wood to the next posts. Jaxx curses loudly as he drops his planks to the ground from the walkway. He’s not as good as balancing as Joshua is - as long as Joshua stays focused I know he can do this. As a climber he’s used to strategic movements, lifting with his arms, plotting his next space. I saw the way he came for me up those rocks, when I was stuck on that ledge. He was like King Kong on the frickin' Chrysler Building.
‘Joshua with another plank! Nice work. Jaxx with another plank!’
It’s almost too much to see them head to head. I can’t stand it. Punk’s squeezing my shoulder now as the guys both move like tornadoes, still figuring out which piece of stupid wood goes where. ‘Joshua now in the lead. Jaxx catching up…’
I can barely look as Ed calls out each of their six pieces, until Jaxx slots the final one of his into place and it’s Joshua’s turn to curse loudly. My heart is literally threatening to escape through my mouth.
‘Joshua has one piece left on the walkway. Jaxx is flying through this challenge. Jaxx, heading to the final puzzle…’
I hear Stephanie let out a long whistle through her fingers. I jump to my feet on the bench and Punk follows. Suddenly, Joshua’s final piece slots into place and he runs across it, jumps to the floor in a cloud of sand and I watch his muscles flex in his back and shoulders as he joins Jaxx in figuring out the puzzle. Yes.
‘Both guys head to head now,’ Ed points out dramatically, standing just a meter away with a camera. ‘It could go either way at this point. One bound for a night on Asylum Island, the other for a place on the jury with Mike, Journey, Karin, Mia and Shan. Jaxx is getting close…’
My hands are gripping the bottom of my shirt now, sweating in the sun. Come on, come on.
‘Jaxx, sliding this puzzle around, looking confused here,’ Ed reports. ‘Does he know what he’s doing, or has he lost his mind after this long on the island?’ Ed circles him as he works. ‘Jaxx was the one who discovered the immunity charm,’ he says. ‘Last night he gave it away to Stephanie - a selfless act that backfired and sent him to Asylum Island. Tension’s mounting here, guys. Is Jaxx also going to give away his last chance to win this season of Deserted?’
‘YES!’ Joshua yells suddenly. He’s standing back from his puzzle now, looking at the pieces intently with his hands on the table. Every muscle in his torso and arms is tense. Ed holds up his hand as Jaxx works furiously to complete his too, but Ed’s looking Joshua’s puzzle over, up and down. His expression is unreadable.
‘Has Joshua completed his first?’ he says to a camera. ‘Yes…’ he adds with a shout. ‘Yes! I can confirm, congratulations Joshua, you are the winner of this challenge. Joshua is your winner today.’
All of us are on our feet now, on the sand. Punk and I are jumping up and down, arms around each other’s shoulders as Ed raises Joshua’s arm high in the air. Without thinking I race over to him, dragging Punk with me. Joshua catches me as I jump into his arms and he lifts me high into the air by my waist, grinning.
‘Oh my god, I’m so glad,’ I say into his ear as he lowers me to the floor and I’m kind of surprised when he keeps his arms around me, pulling Punk against us, too.
‘Joshua,’ Ed says, straight into the camera now pointed at us all. ‘I’m afraid you will return to Asylum Island tonight, but you are immune from the next vote and you are one step closer to that million dollar prize. Congratulations.’
He turns to Jaxx, puts a hand on his shoulder. ‘For you, Jaxx, I’m afraid it’s the end of the line. But we’ll see you with the rest when it’s time for that final jury. Any last words before you go?’
Jaxx turns to Stephanie, now beside him on the sand. He puts an arm around her. ‘If anyone deserves to win this, it’s this girl, right here,’ he says to the camera, leaning into plant a kiss on the side of her head. I can’t help noticing how Stephanie just smiles awkwardly before he’s led away.
31
Joshua
‘What’s with all this?’ I ask the guy in black Deserted clothing, who’s just erected a projector screen on the patch of sand next to the hammocks. Jaxx’s empty coconut husk is still on the floor, where it’s been for two days, and I kick it aside as the guy sticks a set of speakers down in its place and refuses to talk to me.
‘I hope you’re not going to make me watch an Adam Sandler movie,’ I say, and while he smiles he still says nothing.
Jaxx had to stay with me here after he was voted out. The cameras hovered, waiting for a showdown but in the end I swam to the reef, caught more snapper and rock lobster and we agreed we’d rather eat it and raise a toast to staying in the game this long, than spend all night ignoring each other and silently fuming. The jock’s a - well - a jock, but this is a game after all.
‘I’d rather Stephanie won that million dollars than Punk, any day,’ he said, cracking the lobster shell against his crossed knees around our fire. ‘At least she’s gonna do something good with it.’
‘What are you going to do with it, if you win?’ I asked him.
‘Fly to Homewood, Alabama,’ he said, but he face-palmed himself instantly. ‘I’m losing my mind.’
‘Is she still a ‘virgin?’
‘Only just,’ Jaxx said looking at the horizon. I almost spat out my lobster.
‘Seriously?’
‘You didn’t guess?’
‘Well, she wasn’t wearing a sign.’
‘I mean… you didn’t guess we hooked up at all?’
‘Maybe. I can’t really say anything on that subject, though, can I?’ I told him with a sigh. ‘Man. Makes you wonder how they’re editing all this.’
Jaxx bit into his lobster, looked thoughtfully out at nothing. ‘Guess we’re both in the shit. So what are you using the money for, if you win?’
‘I’m going to buy an island,’ I told him and he rolled his eyes.
‘Well, I’m never visiting it.'
I leave the Deserted crew guy alone to continue fiddling with his speakers, and climb the palm tree several meters away. There are only two decent sized coconuts up here but I’ll be needing everything I can get my hands on to keep my strength up. I couldn’t find any more lobster this morning, so I don't know how long the decent food will last. They haven’t given me any chickens. Or goats.
I look out across the calm blue ocean from the top; the way the blues blend into each other from the color of a bird’s egg near the shore, to the darker middle around the reef, to the almost purple further out, where the waves roll. For a moment I get a pang of missing the mountains, the open fields, the desert sands of Utah and Arizona. There’s so much more world out there; so many people. But here there’s only this. Only me.
And Alyssa.
Alyssa, who hasn’t been to visit me again. I don’t know why. For the
last two nights I’ve waited, but she hasn’t come. Maybe she just couldn’t get away from Stephanie and Punk.
I go to slash the coconuts down with the spear, but as I reach up my arm a wave of dizziness causes stars to appear before my eyes and I almost lose my grip.
Damn. I clamp my feet tighter to the tree, grab the branch, ride it out. The guy setting up his equipment isn’t even looking at me and there are no camera guys interested in yet another shot of me swiping at coconuts, but the adrenaline racing through me, plus the nausea makes me suck in deep breaths, slowly. I squeeze my eyes shut as the blackness tries to take me, fighting.
Focus. Stay in the moment.
My arms ache. I can’t remember for a second what the hell I’m doing, or where I am. All I know is that I can’t fall fifteen meters from this goddam tree and break every bone in my body.
The pills flash in front of me - red, in the jar. I haven’t taken them in a week. I picked them up from the beach, buried them under the sand by my water supply. I didn’t think they were making any difference, but I’m a goddam idiot. I should be taking everything I can get my hands on, no matter what. I have to win another challenge.
Alyssa’s face. I bring it to the front of my mind, re-trace her eyes, her lips, her hair. I hold her image with me, clear as day. Eventually the nausea passes and my head feels straight enough to climb down… slowly.
I sink to the sand at the bottom of the tree, see the crew guy with some kind of tool kit walk past me without even acknowledging me. He climbs into the speedboat. Within a minute he’s heading off across the water and I pull myself up, lean hard against the tree, breathing in and out, in and out.
My legs are shaking but I force myself to walk in a straight line. The last time something like that happened out on the raft, I missed the whole jellyfish thing. I think the only reason they didn’t kick me off the show there and then was because they’d just lost Shan. It’s a goddam miracle I’m still here at all; and another miracle I’m alone on this island right now.
I pass the projector screen, plus a beanbag chair they’ve put in front of it, move the canisters of water out of the way and start digging till the pills are in my hands. I twist off the cap, throw two back and chase them with water, swallowing more, thanks to the thirst that suddenly ravages my throat.
