by Becky Wicks
And I can’t seem to focus on what’s real in my life
But the only thing that matters is you’re here…
‘That song…’ I say.
‘Cory and I wrote it,’ she finishes. She misses it, but he looks at her like he wants to hug her for a moment and restrains himself. I can see how much they adore each other. It makes me miss my sister.
Stephanie stands up, still singing, pulling Cory with her. I watch as they start a silly dance and she twirls in her pink bikini. The camera guy looks mesmerized as he films more of her than of him.
Sebastian stands up, motions to Punk to let him have his turn with me. I almost refuse but the camera’s circling and I know it will look more awkward if I don’t dance with him. His arms loop around me as Punk sits back down. He pulls me against him by my waist, so my cheek’s against his chest and for a moment, as Stephanie and Cory keep on singing and spinning I’m totally thrown. So much has happened.
‘I can feel your hip bones,’ he whispers, locking his fingers in mine. ‘We need to fatten you up again.’
I say nothing. He’s so familiar. Everything about him brings so much back – nights in New York drinking wine on Noah’s balcony, dragging Chloe to see their gigs, waiting backstage for him to finish, fending off photographers and fans; sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon… sitting like a wreck on the office kitchen floor, where I brought the papers down from the bulletin board and sent this show’s application form flying straight into Megan’s hands.
My heart beats against his warm body. My fingers relax in his big hands. He sent me here. He sent me to Joshua. I guess I should thank him, really. Maybe they’re both my soul mates; one meant to lead me to the other. What Stephanie said before on the beach was so right. There are people who are meant to make us run, and others who we’re meant to run right into.
I don’t even know how long we dance for. We carry on after our chicken feast. Slow dances, spinning, more songs from Stephanie and Cory, even a few requests from Punk’s mom, who can dance pretty good. Sebastian spins me around and I hear myself laughing.
‘Beautiful,’ Punk’s mom grins, clapping her hands together. ‘I see this island has been good for you all. You wouldn’t be doing this back home, Punk. Maybe we’ll get you to salsa club on Thursdays after all.’
‘Yeah, maybe I’ll join Noah and Sebastian’s band, too,’ he replies, raising his eyes to the sky.
‘You could. You’ve got a few fans out there, man,’ Sebastian winks. Punk looks at him in surprise but Sebastian draws an imaginary zipper across his mouth.
‘This is so surreal,’ I say, pulling away finally, yanking off the bandana that’s lopsided over my head from my dancing. The fire’s burning lower and I don’t even know what time it is but I’m yawning suddenly and so is Punk.
‘Who’s ready to see the five star hotel we call home?’ Stephanie says. Cory nods excitedly.
‘I am,’ Sebastian says, sending me a look I know too well. It sobers me. My stomach knots again as the nerves and irritation flood back in. I’m not sleeping next to him. No way. He can dance with me all he likes but I don’t want Sebastian any closer than he has to be when we’re lying horizontally. That right is reserved for one man only. Even if I don’t know how to reach him.
35
Joshua
I ran twenty laps of the beach, swam in the waterfall and climbed the rocks barefoot. Then I speared five fish in the space of thirty minutes. It’s only seven a.m - I can tell by the sun in the sky. If survival was an Olympic sport I’d probably win gold right now. But it’s not. It’s hell on earth.
Last night, lying there in that hammock, I also did everything I could for my brain not to replay Alyssa walking off that challenge pitch with Sebastian’s arm around her twenty thousand times. It kept replaying it anyway. What the hell else do I have to distract me? They shut the screen off after that part, but I had a message from Ed Bernstein at the end, telling me to be back here when I heard the flare.
So here I am, back on the beanbag with a camera in my face again. Half of me doesn’t want to see it - whatever they’re going to make me see, but I’m trying to remember they’re screwing with me. None of this is real. The worst thing I could do would be to show them they’re affecting me.
Ed Bernstein’s up on the screen in a bright red shirt now. ‘Good morning Joshua, how did you sleep over there on Asylum Island? Nice and cozy?’
‘Awesome, thanks, Ed. Living like a king,’ I grin, but I can see he’s on the challenge pitch again with everyone else and my eyes are drawn to Alyssa, sitting right next to Sebastian. She’s in just her bikini, wet, like they just went swimming and were called here. Punk’s mom doesn’t look as fresh as she did last night. Cory’s grinning like he’s having the time of his life.
‘Good job! Now, Joshua, seeing as you’re over there pondering your final vote until the council meeting tomorrow, we thought we’d involve you a little more, give you a little sense of what’s going on.’
‘Great,’ I say. Alyssa’s too far away for me to read her expression but she looks tense and Sebastian reaches for her hand. I keep my face straight. A few more hours, that’s all it’ll be before they have all their celebrity shots for TV and send him out of here.
‘Yesterday, Punk sacrificed a day and night at our sponsor hotel - the luxurious Mimpi Inda Resort & Spa. His mom, plus Cory and Sebastian here have already experienced the way you guys spend your evenings, but we’re going a little easier on them today.’
He walks closer to them. Alyssa’s watching Ed. She looks tired. ‘Joshua, we thought perhaps you’d like to choose who gets what?’ Ed tells me. ‘For one pair, we have reward number one: couple’s massages, followed by haircuts and mani-pedis. For another couple, we have reward number two: pool floats for the waterfall and Australian wine from our sponsors. It’s good wine, too, I tested some out. And for another pair, reward number three: coffee and cookies on the beach. Who do you think deserves what?’
I can see them all now, and they can see me, sitting here on this damn beanbag. I try to look excited to be involved, run my hands through the fuzz on my head and look contemplative.
Sebastian’s scrutinizing my face, right next to Alyssa. His hair looks way less perfect than it did yesterday and he looks tired, too. I can’t help wonder where they slept; whether he tried anything. I lean closer. Why the hell are they getting me to choose who gets what, anyway? None of these things involve me making Noah Lockton’s drummer eat a tarantula.
‘I’m giving Punk and his mom the massages, the haircuts and mani-pedis,’ I say. ‘Punk, your toes are offensive. Fix them up.’
‘Awesome, Joshua, thank you!’ Punk grins. His mum throws an arm around him. I notice their glasses practically match and I smile.
‘Nice choice, Joshua. Who gets number two: the pool floats and the Australian wine?’
‘Stephanie and Cory,’ I reply, and Stephanie whoops and blows me a kiss through the camera, even though she’ll clearly be drinking all the wine. ‘And I’m giving Alyssa and Sebastian the coffee and cookies.’
‘Wow, thanks,’ Alyssa tells me flatly.
‘You have enough energy without the sugar,’ I reply, ‘but I have yet to experience you on caffeine.’
She hides a smile behind her hair. She gets the innuendo, I know she does and I’m pretty sure her ex does, too. He’s looking from me on the screen to her now with intrigue.
‘I’m sure we’ll make the most of it, animal,’ Alyssa says.
‘I’m sure you will, coral reef,’ I reply.
Sebastian looks pissed. I can imagine him being used to massages and manicures and maybe even floating in hotel swimming pools, swigging expensive champagne between gigs. I hope she knows I’m not about to push them into anything vaguely romantic here, least of all in the waterfall. I flash back to the last time Alyssa and I crashed into each other under that water, the feel of her hands on me, of mine on her as she leaned against the rocks face forward. Our place.
/>
‘Nice choices, Joshua. Thanks for your input,’ Ed Bernstein tells me.
‘Glad to be involved, sir,’ I say, saluting to the camera.
‘How’s it going over there on Asylum Island?’
‘Loving it. I’ve got myself a rack of lamb on the go and I’m just about to take a soak in the hot tub.’
Ed laughs. ‘Sounds idyllic,’ he says. ‘But just for today, for one hour, how do you feel about getting away?’
As he says it, a runner comes up to me, holds out three envelopes. Oh, shit.
‘Joshua, as a special treat, all of these envelopes correspond with one of the activities you’ve just assigned your teammates. Whichever one you pick is the one you get to join in. No need to thank us,’ he winks.
I reach out for an envelope, open it slowly and pull out the card inside. Please, don’t be…
Are you kidding me? Every muscle tenses in my jaw, back, fists. ‘Show us what’s inside,’ Ed says, a little too excitedly.
‘It’s a picture of a cookie, Ed,’ I say coldly. Of course it’s a picture of a cookie.
I look up to the screen. Alyssa looks furious. I know she’s thinking the same as me; that they planned this. Maybe I’m paranoid but this is all just a little too convenient to be anything other than some sick plot concocted in a corporate meeting room. We’re just pawns in their game now.
‘Well come on over, Joshua,’ Ed says, grinning at me with his whiter-than-white teeth. ‘The coffee’s getting cold!’ And in minutes my world is realigning, sitting on the rocks with Sebastian between Alyssa and I like some giant, inconceivable obstacle just meters away from where I first kissed her. We’re all dangling our legs down into the water, trying to act like three regular people having coffee, in front a camera.
‘Well, this is awkward,’ Sebastian says quietly as we all sip from our sponsor’s coffee mugs and stare out at the ocean. Alyssa bites into another cookie, wipes the sugar from her lips. She offers me one from the box.
‘Food is good,’ she says.
‘Cookies aren’t real food,’ I tell her and she pokes out her tongue. ‘Did you really kill the chickens?’ I say now.
‘Snapped their necks, chopped off their heads.’
Wow, Alyssa, you’re turning feral,’ I say and she nods in agreement, scrapes her hair back where it's blowing in the breeze.
Sebastian frowns. 'Maybe I should have bought you some shampoo,' he comments, looking at her.
'Why?' she says, frowning. 'I washed it last month, it's fine.'
I smile at the ocean. He’s barely said anything since I got here, except that dig in front of me right there, which clearly fell flat. He shook my hand, made a show of smiling like the nice guy I’m sure he probably is when he’s not being sent to mess with my sanity. ‘I guess I should ask you what’s been shown on TV,’ I say to him now and this time, Alyssa shuffles uncomfortably.
‘I’m not supposed to say exactly,’ he replies carefully, glancing round him. ‘But listen, I didn’t want to come here and make things more difficult for anyone, trust me.’
‘It’s not all your fault,’ Alyssa says with a sigh, reaching behind her for the spear. ‘Let’s give them some TV, come on. Sebastian, how’s your spearfishing?’
He shrugs warily. ‘I did it as a kid,’ he says, putting his mug down and getting to his feet. He stands up in just his Nike board shorts next to her. Just the sight of them is a magazine shot. I’ve no doubt all three of us, right now in this moment, will be on page one or two of some newspaper before long. I get to my feet with the mask, hand it to him. Alyssa hands him the spear.
‘Out past the shallows,’ she tells him as he pulls it on, ‘to the reef. There are snapper, lionfish, stay away from the stonefish - they're highly venomous and could kill you. So could the sharks.’
‘And the jellyfish,’ I add.
She shoots me that mischievous look. ‘And the jellyfish. OK, let’s go.’ She goes to jump in, but Sebastian grabs her hand. ‘Aren’t we supposed to wait for the camera?’
‘The kayak will follow us, don’t you worry about that,’ she says, pulling her hand away. I pretend not to have seen. The basic, gut reactions between exes must be hard to forget, I can handle that. What I can’t handle is resisting every urge to reach for her myself in front of this guy. Call it animal instinct; to claim what’s mine, but even the thought of her killing a chicken now makes me want her.
They both jump from the rocks into the water and I follow. Within seconds we’re all swimming out towards the darker blue and Sebastian is free diving with the spear, searching for fish. I open my eyes under the water, see Alyssa doing the same, watching him. She turns to me. Her hair is a fan around her in the blue; she’s blowing bubbles. We lock eyes till she surfaces for air and I follow her.
She reaches for me, swipes her hair back. ‘Are you OK?’ she says, treading water right in front of me. ‘This is so messed up. I’m so sorry.’
‘How is it your fault?’ I say, eyeing up the kayak coming right for us. Sebastian’s a few meters away, swimming around, head down.
‘He thinks we’re playing each other, to kick each other out first,’ she tells me hurriedly. ‘I think that’s all he’s seen. But he hasn’t watched all of the show!’
I narrow my eyes at her. ‘He’s probably under contract not to say anything to us, Alyssa.’ She rolls her eyes, pulls me closer, presses her lips to mine. My hands find her ever-shrinking hips as we kiss. She tastes of cookies. My mouth, when she releases me finds her left nipple. I suck, run my tongue around it, making her gasp and groan against me. I want more of her than there’s time for and she’s laughing.
‘Screw this, I can’t wait to get out of here,’ she says, reaching for my arms. ‘With you,’ she adds, just as Sebastian pokes his head up. He swims over and I float away from her quickly, adjusting myself. Thank god I’m in the water.
‘How did it go?’ I ask him, clearing my throat and eyeing the empty spear in Sebastian’s hand.
‘I can see them all down there but I can’t get them,’ he says. ‘They’re fast.’
‘That’s their job,’ Alyssa tells him. ‘Moving targets. Want me to try?’ She looks at me and I motion for her to go ahead. It’s been a while since we fished together. She takes the mask from Sebastian and pulls it over her own head, takes the spear and heads off, face down. I trail her with him along the edge of the reef, until the school of snapper that usually hang just where the coral drops off into the deep, dark nothing, appear shining and moving in symmetry like a pink and silver flag.
Alyssa takes a lungful of air ahead of us and dives closer. Both of us hover at the surface, watching her. She’s like a bullet underwater; white and turquoise, perfectly straight, toes pointed like I taught her. She stills, asserts her target, pulls herself upright, takes aim and releases the spear. My eyes bug out.
The school scatters. The huge snapper she’s shot perfectly wriggles on the tip. Blood snakes through the water until it falls still. Alyssa propels herself forward, grabs the loaded spear back, launches herself off the rocks back up towards us and surfaces right in front of me. A grin is spread across her face.
‘Holy shit, Pisces, you’re a shark down there!’ I yell. My arms are around her in the water now and I’m pressing my lips to her forehead. Her own arms, one holding the spear, snake around my shoulders. ‘You’re a pro!’ I say, pulling her hard against me. 'Wow.'
‘Practice makes perfect,’ she says, laughing as I lift her up. ‘I did learn from the best!’
‘Well, I still hope fishing’s not the only skill we master together,’ I say, bringing her down close. The words come out before I can think. I catch Sebastian watching us from less than a meter away. Alyssa seems to remember his presence just as I do. She turns to him quickly, scrambling away from me, but he’s swimming past us now, a look of total fury on his face. Before we can follow him though, Alyssa’s called to the guy on the kayak, probably to talk solo about her biggest catch yet. She has to go.
I catch up to Sebastian but he grabs my arm before we reach the rocks again. ‘I don’t know what’s going on here, I don’t know what to believe anymore,’ he growls at me, swiping the water between us suddenly. His whole demeanor has changed, like someone's flipped a switch. ‘This entire island smells of bullshit. Are you acting? Or are you really serious?’
I look around us. The producer’s walking from the tree line. ‘Sebastian…’
‘Do you really think someone like you can keep hold of someone like her?’
‘Someone like me, who’s not a rock star?’ I say. I almost laugh in his face.
‘Someone like you, who’s lied to her and everyone else here!’
Shit.
I take his shoulder, grip it hard, move right up to his face. ‘What do you know?’
‘The less you tell her now, the more you’re going to hurt her. I won’t let that happen, Joshua. Do you really think she’s going to want to be with you when she finds out anyway? You’re deluded.’
My insides have twisted and they're twisting even further the more he looks at me like I'm the scum of the earth. ‘What do you know?’ I say again, louder now, but the producer is yelling at us both now, Sebastian’s shoving me away, swimming back to shore.
‘Please, man,’ I say, following him. My heart and head are both drums now. ‘I’ll tell her everything when we’re out of here. I didn’t know anyone knew! I didn’t want to mess up the show, or my chances, or her. I have to be the one to tell her, Sebastian!’
But he’s walking up onto the sand and I know my time is up.
36
Alyssa
By the time I get back to the beach, Joshua’s been dragged away back to Asylum Island.
‘They were stricter than I thought they’d be with that one hour,’ I say to Sebastian, squeezing out my hair and laying the spear on the rocks as the camera guy parks the kayak in his usual spot. ‘Any cookies left?’
Sebastian doesn’t reply. He’s staring out to the ocean, sitting on the sand, resting his arms on his knees. His eyes are stony cold and I sense he’s seriously pissed about what he saw or heard in the water. I feel sick. I don’t want to be alone with him. The others are still at the waterfall.
