‘Really?’ Tommy asked.
‘Yes really.’ Sarah answered. They walked slowly to his bedside.
‘Hello, Daddy.’ Katie said to him. ‘Shall I shake him, Mammy?’
‘I don’t think that shaking him will work this time darling.’ Sarah answered her. Seeing her face she went on, ‘But if you want to try, you go ahead.’
Katie used both her hands to shake his arm and said, ‘Daddy, it’s morning time.’
She shook him a second time, but with no joy.
‘It’s not working.’ Katie said starting to cry.
‘Come here, pet.’ Rita said pulling her granddaughter to her.
Tommy was just staring at his father.
‘Do you want to say something?’ Sarah asked him gently.
Tommy nodded.
‘Go ahead. He’s right here, listening.’
Tommy wiped the tears that were falling from his eyes on the back of his jacket sleeve. ‘I’m sorry Daddy.’ He whispered. ‘It’s all my fault.’
‘It’s not your fault Tommy.’ Sarah quickly said.
‘Yes it is Mammy. I’ve been so angry with Daddy because he left us. And sometimes at night I’ve wished he would get hurt. So I made this happen!’ Tommy started to sob hysterically and Sarah felt a piece of her die inside, looking at her son suffer so much.
‘Tommy you listen to me and you listen hard. This is nobody’s fault. You cannot wish an accident on someone, no matter how much you try.’
Tommy looked at his Mammy doubtfully.
‘Think about it, Tommy. Did you wish that your Daddy would get hurt before this weekend? I mean before you got to see him this weekend?’ She asked him.
He nodded through his tears.
‘And did you still want him to hurt himself yesterday when you snuck into his car after your weekend together?’ Sarah asked him.
Tommy thought about this and then shook his head.
‘So you see Tommy, this can’t be your fault. You didn’t want your Daddy to hurt himself yesterday did you?’
‘No Mammy.’ Tommy leaned into his mother for a hug. ‘I just wanted Daddy to come home.’
James walked over to Tommy and crouched down low in front of him. ‘You trust me?’ he asked.
Tommy nodded.
‘Well then you listen to me. This is no more your fault than it is mine. You can’t wish someone to get hurt. You hear me?’
Tommy nodded again and James pulled him in for a hug.
Sarah continued, ‘You made your Daddy so happy this weekend. He told me. He knows you love him.’ Sarah said to her son, who moved into her arms again. ‘It’s ok baby, Mammy’s got you. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.’ She held him close and whispered words of reassurance.
Joey was standing in the corner and he felt like his heart was going to give in, seeing the family he’d grown to love going through so much anguish. It was too much for him.
‘Back in a minute.’ He said gruffly trying to cover up his sob as he left the room.
Rita took out a packet of tissues and handed one to each of them. ‘I’m going through boxes of these at the moment!’
‘Give me one of those.’ Ruby said. She was in awe of her friend, the strength she had for her children.
Sarah said to the children, ‘Didn’t you say you wanted to make a get well card for Daddy?’
Katie nodded yes.
‘Ok, go look in my handbag, you’ll find some paper and some colouring pencils. Why don’t you both get working on a design for him now?’
‘Ok, Mammy.’ Katie agreed, always willing to do whatever Sarah asked. ‘I’ll do a picture of a football for Daddy.’
‘That’s a good idea.’ Sarah responded.
They sat down on the corner of the floor and started to make their cards. Ella was in Ruby’s arms.
‘The consultant is on his way, Sarah.’ Rita said. ‘He wants to speak to us all.’
‘Me too? Sarah asked.
‘Yes, you’re his wife, so technically his next of kin.’
‘Oh, Michelle won’t like that.’ Sarah whispered back.
‘She’ll have to get used to it!’ Rita hissed back. ‘I’ve had as much of her as I can manage right now.’
Sarah grabbed her baby into her arms and held her close.
‘Daddy.’ Ella said, her timing perfect.
She started to bounce up and down in Sarah’s arms as she looked around the hospital room. It was full of new things for her curious little eyes to greedily soak up. She started to wave at Tommy and Katie who were still making their cards. They both smiled at their baby sister. She was funny.
‘James, Ruby, when the consultant comes, can you take the children for a walk or something?’
‘Of course we can.’ Ruby answered. ‘When they’ve finished doing their cards, I’ve a great game to play with them.’
Joey walked back into the room then. ‘I’ll help look after the small ones too.’ He said to Sarah and Rita. ‘I just needed to get some fresh air earlier. Your one is on her way back up too. I passed her by a minute ago. Thought I’d try to warn you she was nearly here.’
Sarah could hear the music from The Wizard of Oz playing in her mind, the score that played whenever the wicked witch of the west was flying by on her broomstick.
With that the door opened and Michelle walked in. She’d used the time to apply some make-up and she now looked more like the glamorous woman Sarah had first met.
‘Quite the party going on here.’ She said disdainfully to the room when she came in.
‘We’re his family.’ Rita answered firmly. ‘And we’re not going anywhere!’
‘I never said you had to.’ She answered Rita sweetly. ‘It’s just I’m worried that too much noise would be too much for my Paulie.’
‘Oh I have your number alright.’ Rita replied. ‘And as Paul’s mother I know that he would want Sarah and the children here with him.’
‘Is that Daddy’s new friend?’ Katie asked her Mammy looking the woman up and down.
‘Yes. Come over you two and say hello.’
They walked over and stood in front of Michelle and they all looked each other up and down.
‘I like your coat.’ Katie said admiring the white woollen trench coat that Michelle had on. She leaned in to stroke it.
‘Don’t touch it.’ Michelle snapped at her.
‘Hey!’ Ruby said moving in quickly towards Katie, throwing Michelle a look of contempt.
‘She was only looking.’ Tommy said to her. He wasn’t going to let anyone snap at his sister. ‘She’s not very nice.’ Tommy said in a loud whisper to Katie, which elicited a snort of laughter from James.
Michelle threw him a dirty look.
Sarah looked at this woman sharply. ‘As Paul’s friend I would say that you must be very pleased to meet his children. You must know how much he loves them, how important they are to him. He would expect any friend of his to always be nice to his children. That would be very important to him.’ Sarah said pointedly.
The message in Sarah’s words wasn’t lost on Michelle. ‘Of course I’m happy to meet them.’ She said smiling one of her false beams their way. ‘Come here and let me give each of you a hug.’
‘Do we have to?’ Tommy whispered to Sarah.
‘You most certainly don’t!’ Sarah said to him.
Tommy and Katie both moved to the other side of the room as far away as possible from Daddy’s new friend.
The door opened then and the consultant walked in.
‘Hello, I’m Professor Donald Malone.’ Seeing the children he immediately walked over to them. ‘And who do we have here?’ He asked them.
‘I’m Katie.’
‘I’m Tommy.’
‘Well how nice to meet you both. Is Paul your Daddy?’ he asked them gently. ‘Not that I need ask you young man, you’re the image of your father.’
Tommy nodded, a smile breaking out. He loved people saying he looked like him.
‘Well
isn’t he a lucky man to have such lovely children as you two.’ He patted them both on their heads affectionately. ‘I know I’d be extremely proud if I was him.’
‘Don’t forget Ella!’ Katie said pointing to her baby sister who was still in Sarah’s arms.
‘Well I couldn’t miss you now could I?’ he said to Ella, who gave him the benefit of her most winning smile.
‘Well you’re going to go a long way in life, little lady. You’ve worked out at this tender age that by smiling at us silly men, you’ll get us to do anything for you!’
They all laughed at this. He was a nice man.
‘Now, I need to talk to your Mammy for a minute.’
Sarah stepped forward and introduced herself.
‘I wonder if one of your friends would take the children for a walk while we have a chat about Paul.’ He asked nodding at the rest of the room.
James, Ruby and Joey stepped forward pulling the children in close to them. Katie who always was quick to grab an opportune moment, asked ‘Uncle James, can I have ice-cream?’
‘I reckon so.’ James said, picking her up in his arms.
‘We need to have a chat about your husband’s condition. Would you like to do this somewhere more private?’ Professor Malone said looking around at Rita and Michelle. Before Sarah could answer him, Michelle was on her feet.
‘She’s his ex-wife.’ Michelle said quickly, jumping in. ‘I’m his partner. It’s me you should be talking to.’
The poor doctor looked embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise.’
‘She’s still his wife, Michelle. You’re simply the mistress.’ Rita retorted back. ‘So I’d sit down if I were you.’
Sarah looked at her mother-in-law with both gratitude and embarrassment. She hadn’t realised how much of a warrior she really was. She was glad she had her on her side, but was slightly alarmed at having her business discussed so publicly!
The room went deathly silent and Ruby seeing the look of mortification on her friend’s face stepped forward and turned to Professor Malone.
‘I can assure you that this isn’t a sketch from Jeremy Kyle.’ She joked, to take the tension from the situation. ‘It’s actually really simple. Sarah is Paul’s ex-wife, they are now separated. Michelle is Paul’s partner. And you’ve met his mother Rita already. You need to speak to all three of them. The rest of us are going for ice-cream!’
‘That makes perfect sense to me.’ Professor Malone answered calmly. ‘Make sure and have two scoops!’ he told the children. Then when they had left he turned to Rita, Sarah and Michelle and said, ‘Let’s all take a seat.’ He gestured to the row of seats at the end of the bed.
Rita leaned over and took Sarah’s hand for moral support.
‘There’s no easy way to say this. I’m afraid the news is not good. Paul suffered a major blow to his head and he lost a lot of blood. Coupled with the extreme hypothermia he suffered, his vital organs have started to struggle. That’s why he is now on life support.’
He stopped and allowed this news to sink in.
‘So what can you do to help?’ Sarah asked. ‘Does he need surgery?’
‘I’m afraid that surgery isn’t an option in Paul’s situation.’ Professor Malone responded.
‘But you can’t just do nothing!’ Michelle said.
‘I know that this is incredibly difficult for you as his family to hear, but I’m afraid that we are out of options.’
‘So we just wait and see if he improves himself?’ Rita asked tearfully. ‘Could that happen?
‘I’m afraid that’s just not going to happen. Even if we could find a way to save Paul’s heart, he would never recover consciousness. We have done extensive tests and they are all conclusive. Paul is brain dead. He will never wake up from this coma.’
Michelle started to cry, ‘My baby, my baby.’ Sarah didn’t know if she was referring to Paul or to her unborn child. Either way, it was obvious that Michelle was deeply distressed and for that Sarah felt sorry for her. She held out her other hand and grasped Michelle’s in hers. Michelle didn’t pull away and squeezed it back.
‘I don’t believe it.’ Rita said quietly. ‘He’s my son. I’m supposed to go first, that’s the natural order of things. Please Professor Malone. There must be something you can do.’
He shook his head sadly.
‘Sarah, talk to him.’ Rita begged. ‘Make him try harder. There’s always another way.’
Sarah wanted to get up and run out of the room. She couldn’t bear to hear the words the doctor was saying to her. Paul, the man she had spent pretty much all of her adult life with, was never going to talk again, never would hold their children in his arms again. Time stood still. The room became deathly silent.
‘I wish I had different news to tell you all, I really do. But you have some decisions to make now.’ Professor Malone said. ‘As Paul is brain dead, we need you to think about your next step which is when to discontinue life support.’
‘But he’ll die!’ Michelle shouted.
‘He’s already dead though.’ Rita shouted back. ‘Isn’t he? Isn’t that what you’re saying to us? Or as good as!’
‘I’m so sorry.’ He said again. ‘I wish I had something else to say to you.’
‘The children,’ Sarah sobbed. ‘How will I tell the children?’
Rita walked over to the girl who she thought of as her own daughter. ‘We’ll do it together, Sarah. I’ll not leave you on your own doing that.’ Sarah and Rita embraced and sobbed together for the man they both loved. Michelle walked over to the other side of the bed and held Paul’s hand, tears falling down her face.
The three women in Paul’s life united at last in their horror and grief.
‘There’s one other thing I need you to think about. I know how awful this is for you all but I have to ask you if you would like to donate Paul’s organs, when the time comes. Paul could save so many lives, if you agree. I will answer any questions you have if you would like to discuss it further.’
All three women looked at the doctor open-mouthed, reeling from the news that had just been delivered.
‘I’ll leave you for now.’ Professor Malone said, ‘But just ask the nurse to get me back anytime.’
‘Send in some tea to them.’ He said to the nurse when he walked out. ‘And whenever they want to talk, just buzz me. I’ll come back as soon as I can. I don’t envy the decision they have facing them.’
Rita, Sarah and Michelle sat in the small hospital room silent; locked in their own personal hell.
Eventually Sarah spoke. ‘I wonder what Paul would make of this? The three of us, together.’
‘He’d be in a cold sweat.’ Michelle said. ‘If he could move right now, he’d be out that door…’ she finished on a sob.
‘What are we going to do?’ Rita said.
‘I don’t know.’ Sarah replied. ‘My head is spinning. How are we supposed to make a decision like this?’
Nobody answered her. ‘Does anybody know how Paul felt about life support?’ Rita asked. ‘We never discussed it; it never even came up in conversation.’
‘He never spoke about anything like this to me either.’ Michelle said. ‘We didn’t have any real serious conversations at all come to think about it. We were too busy having fun – dinners, parties, and the theatre.’
Sarah looked at her sharply. Was she trying to rub her nose her nose in it? She didn’t think so this time however. Michelle seemed lost in her own reminiscence.
‘I don’t think that Paul would want us to give up on him.’ Rita said. ‘We should leave him on life support, you never know, there could be a chance he’ll come round!’
‘We spoke about this after Thomas died.’ Sarah said quietly.
‘Who’s Thomas?’ Michelle asked.
‘Paul’s father.’ Sarah answered her.
‘I never really knew him at all, did I?’ Michelle said in wonder. ‘I didn’t even know that.’
‘Maybe you knew a side to Paul that
I didn’t.’ Sarah replied.
‘Maybe.’ Michelle said quietly.
‘Thomas was in terrible pain in those last few weeks of his life.’ Sarah continued. ‘He begged Paul to help him die, until by the end he didn’t even know his own name, never mind who his family were.’
Sarah glanced at Rita; she knew her words were so painful to hear.
‘The night that Thomas died, Paul and I sat up for hours talking. He said that he’d never want to end up his days like his father had. He said that he’d rather die with his dignity than end up not even knowing who he was.’
‘So are you saying that he’d want us to pull the plug?’ Michelle said bluntly.
Rita looked like she had been slapped across her face. ‘Please don’t use that term again. You make it sound like all we have to do is turn the TV off!’
Michelle just shrugged. She looked like she was back in form again. For a short spell she had seemed almost human, but the wicked witch of the west was back in the room with them.
‘Sarah, do you think that Paul would want us to discontinue life support?’ Rita said to her, taking one of her hands. ‘Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Yes, I think I am.’ Sarah replied.
‘I don’t think I have the strength to do that for him. What if in a few years they find some new science to cure people?’ Rita replied.
Sarah nodded. That thought kept coming into her mind too.
‘What if they don’t?’ Michelle said. ‘Do you think Paul would want to lie here for years, only breathing because a machine did it for him? Do you want to put your children through that Sarah, living in false hope for years and years for a father to come back to them that never could? I don’t want that for my child.’
Sarah could not answer that.
‘What about my child?’ Rita demanded. ‘I’ll not agree to it, do you hear?’
‘We don’t have to make a decision straight away.’ Sarah said to them both. ‘I for one am not ready to yet. Let’s leave it for a few hours. But whatever happens, we all must be in agreement, ok? Right, I need to go for a walk, to clear my head.’ She turned to face Michelle, ‘Not a word of this to the children if they come back here. Or so help me Michelle, I will kill you.’
The Life You Left Page 28
