Ryan shook his head. “As if Father Francis weren’t bad enough, now you’re going to be bringing me new employees?”
“I never said anything about you hiring her,” Maggie said, her expression perfectly innocent. “But it’s a great idea, don’t you think? Besides, Rosita will be having her baby anytime now, so there’ll be an opening in the kitchen.”
“As if Rosita has done a lick of work since she came,” Ryan grumbled.
“Only because Rory is a gentleman,” Maggie replied.
“Okay, fine. Whatever. If Letitia needs a job, we’ll work it out.”
Maggie studied him with a narrowed gaze, as if she suspected his capitulation had been too easy. “Is everything okay? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
Ryan frowned at the question. “Who says I’m keeping anything from you?” he asked defensively.
“Nothing’s really changed, has it?” she asked. “You still can’t let me all the way into your life.”
He heard the unmistakable hurt in her voice. Regret washed through him, but he couldn’t make himself share the truth. Not just yet. “I’m sorry, Maggie. I’m trying, but I’m not there yet. Be patient, okay?”
She sighed heavily. “Since I’m in love with you, it seems I have no choice.”
Her easy claim of love startled him. He’d known her feelings for him were growing, but to have her admit that she actually loved him caught him off guard. Even more surprising was the fact that it didn’t terrify him. Rather, it made him want to admit that his feelings were growing deeper as well.
He took her hand in his, swallowed hard, then fumbled until he found the right words. “If it’s any consolation, I love you, too.” The admission had been easier than he’d expected, but he couldn’t help adding a quick disclaimer. “At least as much as I know how to love anyone. Can that be enough for you?”
A faint glimmer of a smile appeared on her lips. “For now,” she said, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “It is for now.”
Ryan must have looked at that slip of paper with Sean’s address on it a dozen times a day. Each time he picked up the phone to call his brother, then settled the receiver back into its cradle. For two solid weeks that paper taunted him, as did the worried frown puckering Maggie’s brow. He evaded all the questions Rory and Father Francis had about his dark mood, as well. He was driving them all away, and all because he was afraid to tell them the momentous news that he’d found one of his brothers.
At night, lying awake in bed next to a sleeping Maggie, he questioned why he was having such a difficult time with this. It didn’t take long for him to figure out the answer. He was desperately afraid of how seeing Sean again might change things.
What if his brother hated him for standing by and watching him walk away with strangers that day and doing nothing? For all Ryan knew, Sean could have found their parents and discovered that Ryan’s worst fear was accurate, that he had somehow driven them away. He knew it was a boy’s fear, not that of a rational grown-up, but he couldn’t seem to turn his back on it just the same. He’d lived with that guilt burning inside him for too many years.
Greater than the fear of all that, though, was this mounting panic that if he didn’t do something, Maggie would eventually slip away. Despite her promise to give him all the time he needed, it was already happening. She was growing more reserved as he insisted on keeping his secret. The openness he prized in her was giving way to brooding silences. He couldn’t let that go on or he would lose her forever. He sighed heavily.
“Ryan?” she murmured, rolling toward him. “Are you awake?”
He nodded, then realized she probably had her eyes closed. “Yes. Go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
Instead, she propped herself on her elbow and studied him sleepily. “What’s wrong?”
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“Please tell me.”
He hesitated, then drew in a deep breath. This was the moment he’d been waiting for, here in the dark, where she couldn’t read his expression so readily.
When he didn’t speak right away, she said, “Is it so hard to talk to me? There’s nothing you can’t say now. I want to be here for you, but I can’t be if you won’t let me in.”
She was right and he knew it. “Okay, here it is. I’ve had Jack looking for my family,” he said quietly.
“Really?” Maggie remarked, her voice surprisingly neutral, as if she didn’t want to risk getting excited. “And?”
Relieved by her calm, accepting reaction, he went on. “He’s found one of my brothers.”
“Oh, my God,” she murmured. “Which one?”
“Sean. He’s two years younger than I am.”
He felt her tears fall on his bare chest. “Oh, Ryan, that’s wonderful! How long have you known?”
“A couple of weeks now.”
“And you haven’t said a word? Why not?”
“I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t,” he admitted candidly.
“Have you been to see him?”
“No….”
“Why on earth not? Is he here in Boston?”
He shrugged, feeling helpless. “Only a couple of miles away, as a matter of fact. And to be honest, I don’t know why I haven’t called or gone to see him. He must be wondering about it, too, since Jack told him I was looking for him.”
“Oh, Ryan, put yourself in his shoes,” Maggie said urgently. “It must be awful waiting for a call that hasn’t come. It must be a little bit like reliving what he went through after your parents took off. I’m sure all of you kept expecting to get a phone call any day.”
“Oh, God,” Ryan whispered, struck by her words. “I never looked at it that way. You’re right, Maggie. It was months before I finally accepted the fact that they weren’t calling and weren’t coming back.” The memory still haunted him. How many hours had he stayed near the phone wherever he was, waiting, trying desperately not to hope when it rang, fighting tears when it wasn’t for him.
“That’s when I started getting in trouble,” he told Maggie. “Once I knew that it didn’t matter where I was, because they were never going to look for me, I didn’t care if I was moved from foster home to foster home. I didn’t want to get attached to any of those families, so whenever I felt myself letting down my guard, I’d do something to get sent away.”
He felt Maggie’s hand on his cheek.
“It must have been so awful for you,” she said sympathetically. “And now you have a chance to get back something you lost. Don’t wait another day. Call Sean. Go to see him.”
Ryan wasn’t sure he could do it alone. “Would you…?” He looked into Maggie’s eyes. “I want you to come with me.”
To his dismay she shook her head. “Ryan, after all these years this should be private, just the two of you.”
He searched his heart for the strength, but it wasn’t there. Besides, having Maggie with him, since she’d been the one to encourage the search, felt right. “No, I need you to be there. If we’re going to be family, that’s how it should be.”
She stared at him, clearly stunned by the casual mention of a future for the two of them. “Are we? Are we going to be family?”
He was just as shocked that she hadn’t known that that was what they were leading up to, that it was the reason for everything he’d done lately to deal with the past. He was desperately trying to tie up all the loose ends so he could move forward with a clear conscience.
“That’s why I’m doing this,” he explained. “I want to find them all, to make sure that, you know, there are no problems you ought to know about before you marry me.”
“Problems?” she asked, clearly bewildered.
“Illnesses, that kind of thing,” he said, avoiding her gaze.
Maggie sat straight up in bed and regarded him with unmistakable dismay. “You’re looking for them to see if everyone’s healthy?”
“Of course,” he said defensively. “That’s the responsible thing to
do.”
“And that’s the only reason?” she asked, disbelief still written all over her face.
“It’s important, dammit!”
“Oh, Ryan,” she whispered, fresh tears tracking down her cheeks. “It shouldn’t be about that.”
And then, to his shock, she climbed out of bed, dragged on her clothes and left the room without so much as a glance in his direction. And somehow, despite the terrible, aching emptiness inside him, he couldn’t find a single word to call her back.
Chapter Fourteen
Ryan didn’t get it. He’d done what Maggie wanted. Maybe he hadn’t found his whole family, but he’d found one of his brothers. That was a start, dammit! What did she want from him? If she was expecting the Devaneys to suddenly turn all warm and fuzzy like the O’Briens—well, it wasn’t going to happen. There was too blasted much water under the bridge for that.
“Ryan, you’ve the look of a man with a lot on his mind,” Father Francis said, sliding onto a stool at the bar. “Anything I can help with?”
“Not unless you can explain the way a woman’s mind works,” Ryan retorted.
Father Francis grinned. “Now that is a mysterious thing,” he agreed. “Are we talking about any woman’s mind, or is it Maggie’s that has you looking as if there’s a dark cloud hanging over your head?”
“Maggie’s, of course.”
“I notice she hasn’t been coming in as regularly as she was,” Father Francis said. “It’s been a few days since her last visit, hasn’t it?”
“Close to a week,” Ryan admitted despondently.
“Have you spoken to her?”
He shook his head. What was the point of calling, when he didn’t know what to say?
Father Francis looked dismayed. “Now there’s your first mistake, it seems to me. Whether he’s right or wrong, a man should take the first step toward making things right.” He gave Ryan a canny look. “Unless, of course, you’re happy with the way things are.”
“No, of course not, but I don’t know the first thing about smoothing this over. I have no idea what Maggie expects. She’s the one who walked out.” It was a disingenuous statement, and Ryan knew it. He knew precisely why Maggie was so furious. She was outraged because he cared more about making sure his family health history was problem free than he did about some phony family reunion.
Father Francis studied him intently. “She left without giving you any clue at all about why she was upset?” the priest asked doubtfully. “That doesn’t sound like Maggie.”
“Are you calling me a liar?” Ryan asked edgily.
“No, of course not. Have you thought of asking her to explain, then?”
“It’s not that simple.”
Father Francis clearly wasn’t convinced. “Why, because Maggie won’t be honest?”
“Of course not,” Ryan said at once. “Maggie’s the most honest person I know.”
“Is it because she won’t be able to tell you what’s in her heart?”
Ryan sighed. “No.”
“What then?”
“It’s because I still won’t be able to give her the answers she wants.”
“About?”
“My family.” Ryan regarded the priest helplessly. “How can I tell her I care about seeing them again, when the truth is that I don’t?”
“Ah, so that’s it,” Father Francis said. “Have you finally decided to search for them, then? I imagine Maggie’s had a hand in helping you reach that decision. Are you not comfortable with it now that you’ve made it? Are you considering backing down?”
“Too late for that,” Ryan said wryly. “Actually, Jack Reilly’s been looking for a while now. He’s found one of my brothers—Sean, the one two years younger than me, which would make him about thirty now.”
The old man’s face lit up. “That’s brilliant news. Have you seen him?”
“I can see that your expectations are the same as Maggie’s,” Ryan said. “You’re expecting me to be overjoyed.”
“And you’re not?”
“I’m just looking for answers.”
“What sort of answers? You do realize that if he was younger than you, Sean may not have the answers you need. Unless he’s found your parents, it’s unlikely he knows what went wrong.”
Ryan shook his head. “That’s not it at all. I want to be sure everyone’s in good health, so if Maggie and I ever decide to marry and have a family, I won’t be unwittingly passing any hereditary conditions along to our children.”
Father Francis sighed heavily. “I imagine this is because of Lamar,” he said. “And you told this to Maggie, that your search is all about genetics?”
“Yes,” Ryan admitted.
The priest gave him a pitying look. “It’s a wonder she didn’t take a skillet to your head. I’m thinking of it myself,” he said with disgust. “You clearly know how to rob a moment of its meaning.”
“If you’re trying to accuse me of not being a sentimental jerk, then you’re right. I’m not. This is a practical search for answers I need to have before I decide whether it’s right to take the next step with Maggie.”
“No,” the priest said flatly. “It’s a way of protecting yourself from being hurt again. You’re taking no chances that your brother—or the others when you find them—might not want to be a part of your life even now.”
Ryan felt the undeniable sting of truth in his words. “What if I am? Can you blame me?”
“Of course not, but life is about risks, about being open to possibilities. Have you not been happier these last weeks with Maggie than you ever have been before?”
There seemed to be little to gain by lying when the answer was obvious. “Yes. What’s your point?”
“If you’d continued to keep the door to your heart tightly shut, you’d have had none of that,” Father Francis reminded him. “Life would have gone along on its nice, even keel with no ups and downs. It would have been safe. But you’d have missed all the joy Maggie has brought into your life. Wasn’t that worth the risk of letting down your defenses?”
Much as Ryan wanted to protest that he’d been better off before, he knew it wasn’t true. Maggie had opened up his heart, and there was no turning back.
“And you think that seeing my brothers and even my parents again could turn out as well?” he asked skeptically. “Despite the fact that I’ve spent all these years with bitterness and resentment churning around inside me?”
“You’ll never know unless you try…and for the right reasons. And you’ll need to be willing to let go of the bitterness and resentment and be ready move on. Surely your brother’s not the one you’ve been angry with. Wouldn’t that be a good place to start? I’m sure he’s been grappling with many of the same resentments that you have.”
“Okay, you win. I’ll call Sean in the morning.”
“It’s not about what I want or about me winning. It’s about you. And is there any reason for not calling him right now?” Father Francis pushed.
Ryan frowned, but he reached for the phone.
With the priest’s steady gaze on him, he dialed his brother’s number. Unfortunately, it was an answering machine that picked up. Hearing his brother’s voice after all these years—his deep, grown-up voice—threw Ryan. Sean sounded so much like their dad, it was uncanny and disturbing. But before he could lose his nerve, he left a message.
“Sean, this is Ryan…um, your brother Ryan.” He considered hanging up then, but after a glance at Father Francis’s expectant, encouraging expression, he plunged on. “I’d like to see you. If it’s okay, I’ll stop by tomorrow around ten. I have the address. If I miss you then, I’ll come by another time.” He searched his brain for something more, but nothing came to him. “Um, I guess that’s it. Bye.”
To his shock, his hand was shaking as he replaced the receiver in its cradle. Father Francis covered his hand to steady it.
“You’ve taken a first step, lad, the first of many.”
Ryan swallowed past the l
ump in his throat. “I just wish to hell I knew where they were going to lead.”
Maggie had been for an hour-long walk, but it hadn’t done a thing to steady her nerves or calm her temper. Nor had any of the other walks she’d taken since she’d walked out of Ryan’s apartment and out of his life. She’d been expecting him to call, but the phone had remained stubbornly silent. It shouldn’t have surprised her. If he hadn’t reached out to his family in all these years, why was she expecting him to reach out to her? Back then he’d been too young to fight for what he needed. Now he was evidently too scared.
Back at the house, half-frozen, she poured herself a cup of tea, then sat at the kitchen table, brooding over the way things were turning out. She’d been so sure that Ryan was the one, that her love could give him the strength to face his past and move on. Maybe it was impossible after what he’d been through. Maybe she’d been expecting too much once again, just as she had when she’d wanted more passion from her last relationship. Maybe her expectations simply couldn’t be met, at least never all at once.
She was still thinking that over, debating whether there was more she could have done to get through to him, when her mother walked into the kitchen.
“I thought I heard you come in,” Nell O’Brien said, pouring herself a cup of tea, then putting a few freshly baked shortbread cookies onto a plate before sitting down opposite Maggie.
“Uh-oh, you’ve brought out the cookies,” Maggie teased. “You must be anticipating a serious talk.”
“I am, indeed. I’ve waited patiently for you to tell me what happened between you and Ryan, but you haven’t said a word. I’ve lost patience,” her mother said. “And since Father Francis called a while ago with a rather cryptic message, I’ve concluded that it’s time to get to the bottom of things.”
Ryan's Place Page 17
