by Jamie Pope
This baby was her little gift and the thought of giving it away was making her ill.
“Of course. Stay here as long as you need to. We can go get you some water.”
“No.” The tears began to stream down her face. “My husband doesn’t know I’m pregnant,” she blurted out. “I never told him.”
She had told him that she was going to the clinic because she had been having stomach issues. He had encouraged her to go.
See if that has anything to do with you getting fat.
She was unable to bring herself to tell him, but she was in her second trimester now. How much longer could she keep it up? How could she prevent him from finding out?
“He could contest the adoption,” Chris said.
He would raise holy hell. Their baby would be Native American, which would make adoption even trickier. She couldn’t agree to give him or her to a non-Native couple. And she had known that the entire time. She knew this endeavor would be impossible. She had wanted it to be impossible because as bad as she knew life could be with Elijah, she still wanted to raise his child.
“Maybe if you tell him and he meets us, he’ll see that we’re good people and he’ll agree,” Kelly said hopefully.
“Maybe,” she said, knowing it was impossible, but not wanting to break the woman’s heart. “I have to go. I’ll be in touch if he agrees.”
She got back in her car and sped away, knowing that she would never see them again.
* * *
“I know I said I would give you as many kids as you wanted, Wylie,” Cass said to her husband from her hospital bed, “but you think we could wait a couple of years before we try again? It will at least take me that long to forget about how much this hurt.” She looked exhausted, but she grinned at him and then glanced down at the newborn baby in her arms.
It was so different from when Nova had been in the hospital with Teo. She had been alone the entire time. Elijah had gone off on some mission and had been missing for three days. She didn’t have a car seat to get the baby home in. She had been terrified out of her mind about how they were going to get through it.
But one of Elijah’s friends showed up at the hospital out of the blue with his sister and baby supplies. He figured out that she must have gone into labor when he couldn’t find her at home. She had wept when she saw him. He had shown her more kindness that her husband had.
“You were in pain!” Wylie said. “I almost died watching you go through it. I don’t think I can do it again, Cass.” Wylie sat beside her on the bed and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry for putting you through it.”
“Your unit was hit with an IED,” Tanner started. “You had shrapnel lodged in your ass, but seeing your wife go through labor is the thing that makes you cry uncle? I never thought I would live to see the day.”
Wylie grinned at Tanner. Nova would have never described her brother as a happy person. He didn’t smile much. She couldn’t remember a time she had heard him laugh before he got together with Cass, and now that their baby was here, he seemed different. She had seen him the day before but there was a definite difference in him today. It wasn’t that he was a new man, but he seemed like he was a better man for having love in his life.
Nova used to be so angry with him for having it better than she did, for escaping the chaos, but it was a wasted emotion. He may have had a calmer life, but he didn’t necessarily have a happier life.
“Come hold her, Tanner.” Cass motioned him over with a nod of her head.
“Me?” He looked befuddled and Nova found it adorable.
“Yes, you. Get over here.”
“But I’ve never held a baby before.”
“Are you scared?” Cass teased. “You were an Army Ranger. I heard you trained other people to jump out of planes, because you were so good at it. A little baby should be nothing.”
“This is scarier. And I haven’t jumped out of a plane in two years. I might have lost my nerve.”
“We’ll go for your birthday,” Cass told him. “I’ve always wanted to try it.”
“No, we won’t,” Wylie said. “You wait till we have a kid to decide to be a daredevil?”
“I pushed a human out of my body. I’m tough as hell.”
“Damn right,” Tanner agreed. “How do I do this? I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You won’t. Just make sure you support her head,” Nova said to him, speaking directly to him for the first time since they had been in the room. She was in a dangerous mood. She was feeling things. She could probably blame it on hormones. Newborn babies must have something in their scent that made otherwise normal, levelheaded women turn into piles of sappy goop. But she was feeling things as she looked at Tanner holding that baby. Big goopy dangerous-to-her-heart feelings. He had spent hours waiting in the hospital for a baby that wasn’t his. Her husband couldn’t be bothered to show up at his own son’s birth.
“She’s so tiny,” he whispered. “Her eyes opened,” he said in awe. “Hello, Sunny. You’re beautiful like your mother.”
Nova walked over to Tanner, looking down into his arms so she could see her niece’s eyes. They were huge and alert and a soft brown like Wylie’s.
“Most newborn babies are ugly,” Mansi said coming back in the room after a trip to the gift shop. “But this one is beautiful. You should get her on the TV.”
“Most newborns aren’t ugly, Mansi.” Nova shook her head at her grandmother. “Teo was gorgeous.”
“Maybe, but most of them are ugly with misshapen heads and scrunched faces. You were, little one.” Mansi patted her cheek. “Very ugly and you used to cry like a banshee.”
“You were there when I was born? I didn’t know that and hey! I’m sure I was a lovely newborn.”
“You weren’t, but you grew up to be almost as beautiful as I was in my youth, so it worked out. And of course I was there when you were born. I had to make sure your mother was sober those last two months. I kept her locked in the house. Your father was on the straight and narrow at that time. He helped me keep her in check.”
Nova felt gut punched then. Her mother had been a drunk her entire life, but knowing that she could barely keep sober while she was pregnant with her hurt. She knew it was a disease and that it was serious. Logically she knew that, but the little kid inside her felt like her mother didn’t even try, couldn’t even be bothered to give a damn that she was poisoning her unborn child.
“Give me this baby,” Nova said to Tanner, trying to distract herself from her annoying feelings. She felt dangerously close to tears again. All of this was bringing up her past again. No matter how hard she tried to forget it, it wouldn’t go away. And it was bringing back that extreme guilt again.
She had tried to give Teo away.
Tanner gently placed the baby in her arms and then kissed the side of Nova’s face. For a moment she forgot that she was surrounded by her entire family and leaned in to his kiss, wanting his lingering lips to stay as long as possible. But then she remembered where she was and what she was doing. Only Tanner could make her forget the world.
“Ew, Tanner. Don’t kiss me.”
He tipped her chin up and kissed her lips. As annoyed as she was with him for it, she couldn’t deny the tingles rushing through her body. She couldn’t deny that his kiss made her feel better. She had wanted to kiss him as soon as she had seen him today. She had missed him yesterday after he had gone home. She went about the rest of the day like she normally would have. She helped Teo with his homework. She cooked for him. She read him a story, but she felt alone when she was doing it.
Tanner was getting too close to her, too into her head. She needed to put some space between them. But it was hard when he was everywhere she turned.
“Stop it,” she whispered. “I’m serious.”
“Hey, Nova. We’ve been found out.”
She frowned up at him. “What are you talking about?”
“Wylie knows.”
“How?”
“You tw
o were holding hands in the waiting room and Tanner had his lips pressed against your ear. I’m not an idiot. I figured it out. Plus the reason he keeps showing up to soccer practice has nothing to do with the love of the game. I think I’m not the only one who knows.”
“You’re together?” Cass cried. “I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s about time,” Mansi huffed. “The way you two look at each other, I’m surprised your clothes don’t burn off. You’ve been single since Teo was a baby. It’s time you got some steady loving. A woman needs that. She’ll go insane without it.”
“Mansi!”
“What? Stretch looks good at it. Everything is so long on him.”
Nova felt her face burn. Wylie and Cass were laughing. Tanner just looked at her, his expression almost sympathetic. “We’re not together,” she said firmly.
“Why not?” Cass asked seriously.
“Because it’s not what I want.”
“It’s what I want for you,” her brother said. “If you’re worried about what I think, don’t be. I would rather you live in a convent, but if my little sister is going to be with somebody, I want it to be with a man who doesn’t make me want to punch him on sight. And I don’t want to punch Tanner on sight. Maybe after a few hours. But not on sight.”
They all laughed. Maybe not Tanner, but she couldn’t tell because she wasn’t looking at him. She was feeling overwhelmed. She couldn’t put into words why she was feeling that way. She should be happy. Her brother clearly didn’t care that she and Tanner were together. Mansi loved him. Cass seemed elated over the news. But this changed things. This put pressure on them. Everyone knew. Everyone was watching him. She could no longer justify in her head that they were just sleeping together. Their relationship felt bigger than that. It had always felt bigger than that, but she could deny the truth to herself—that when he wasn’t with her, she wished he was.
“I’ve got to go get my kid from school.” She finally looked up at Tanner who wasn’t laughing. There wasn’t a trace of humor on his face. “You’ll make sure Mansi gets home okay?”
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
“I have to.” She handed the baby back to him, kissed Cass and her brother good-bye, and left the room. She needed space, from all of them, but especially him. The last thing she needed was to fall in love.
Chapter 10
Nova walked into her kitchen as she always did after she put Teo to bed to make his lunch for school the next day. But she realized that she didn’t have to. Spring break had arrived and as much as she loved the thought of having her little boy with her all week, it worried her.
What was she going to do with him for the next five days? Before, he used to spend huge chunks of his time at Mansi’s house. Before Christmas, if he had a day off from school, he automatically went to her. After school had been spent at her house. Weekends when Nova had to work Teo went there. Nova had been absent from his life. Yes, she was working. Or taking classes. Studying up on the latest techniques. She was desperate to give him a better life than she had, especially since she had gotten pregnant with him at the worst possible time. But it had caused a rift between her and her son, a distance that she sometimes thought she would never be able to seal. He thought she didn’t want him. He had said the words out loud, and knowing that almost killed her. She had made an effort to change that day. She was going to spend as much time with him as possible. This week she was going to be with him.
Time was what she’d wanted with her mother. Sober, clearheaded time. It was what she’d wanted from her own mother and never got. Nova had thought about her mother a lot lately. She wondered what the woman would think about how she turned out. Would she have been happy with it? Nova hadn’t accomplished any of the goals they had made for her. Her life had gone so off course at the age of seventeen it was nearly unrecognizable from the dreams she had once had. But it wasn’t a bad life and there were moments when Nova had happiness. Teo made her happy. Being around her family made her happy.
Tanner . . . Well, she wasn’t sure he made her happy. He made her . . . feel something. Sometimes she thought she was numb to anything other than anger and bitterness, but Tanner made her feel things she didn’t know how to put into words.
The landline in the kitchen rang and she picked it up without bothering to look at the caller ID. It was usually Mansi at this time. Telling her to turn on some show so that they could watch it together, or asking her to pick up some item from the store. Since Nova left Teo at Mansi’s house less and less, she was seeing less of her grandmother. She missed the old woman.
How the hell could she seriously consider moving to Boston, if not seeing her grandmother every single day of the week made her sad? That was something she was going to have to face. She had accepted the job for the Second Lady. The wedding was in a couple of weeks. She had already spoken to the bride three times and sent over her ideas. Her career was growing. It was getting too big for the island. She would have to grow with it. She would have to leave to complete her journey. The longer she stayed, the harder it would be to go.
“Hello?”
“Nova?”
She didn’t immediately recognize the voice, but it sounded familiar. Slightly accented, but she couldn’t tell from where.
“Yes?”
“It’s Winona.”
Nova immediately felt her knees begin to buckle and she grabbed hold of the counter with her free hand to keep herself from sliding to the ground. It was Elijah’s mother. She hadn’t heard that voice in over four years. It was she who had given Nova the money for the bus ticket to escape Elijah. Winona had saved her life.
“How are you?”Nova asked, when she wanted to demand how she got her number. It had been unlisted. She hadn’t had a landline until Teo started at the elementary school last August, and she rarely gave it to anyway. Especially anyone who could be linked to her past.
“I’m fine. But I can tell by your voice that you’re wondering how I tracked you down.”
“That thought had crossed my mind.”
“Even though you never put a return address on the packages you send to us, it’s not exactly like you’re in hiding. You’ve amassed quite a following on social media. I saw you have over one hundred thousand Instagram followers. Congratulations. You are very good at what you do.”
“What do you want, Winona?”
“You know what I want. To see my grandson. It’s not fair that we are robbed of him.”
“Not fair? Not fair! It wasn’t fair that your drug-abusing son is a criminal. It’s not fair that he beat the shit out of me when I refused to look the other way while he planned violent home invasions. It’s not fair that I had to spend months in hiding with my baby.”
“But Jerry and I didn’t do any of those things to you. Why are you punishing us?”
“I called you from the hospital when he was born. You didn’t pick up. I was there alone with a baby, and no matter what Elijah had done to you, Teo was innocent. You made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with him that day. And as the grandparents, you have no legal right to him. Even less so, now that Elijah’s parental rights have been terminated. I paid you back for the bus ticket with interest. As far as I’m concerned, I owe you nothing. The pictures I sent to you were a very generous gift.”
“Our grandson deserves to know us. Deserves to know about his heritage.”
“He does know about his heritage. He is being raised with my father’s people. He knows he is Native. My grandmother makes sure he is proud of who he is and where he came from.”
“But your tribe is different from our tribe. It’s a different background. Different history. I am a professor. Who better to teach him?”
“Elijah is dead to him. I made that decision. I can’t go back on it now.”
“But Elijah is not dead. He’s alive and he asks about his son.”
“That’s too damn bad. He hurt my baby. He was so high when they picked him up, he didn’t even know he had a son.
He had no idea what he had even done.”
“We’re sorry he did that to you and to Teo. If we had known sooner . . .”
“You would have done nothing. I had to steal his drug money to buy formula and diapers. I had to beg social services for help. Do you know how humiliating that was for me?”
“We’re sorry.”
“Your sorry came a little too damn late. Do not contact me again. I made a new life. I refuse to look back into my old one.”
She hung the phone, made her way to the kitchen table, and sat down heavily. Her heart was pounding so incredibly hard it hurt. Elijah was speaking to the parents that cut him out of their life. Elijah was asking about her son. Four years in prison must have given him time to think. He didn’t want Teo. He incessantly complained about him when he was baby. And now he was so concerned? There would be no contact. He brutalized them. She shut her eyes trying to shut out the memories of that time.
Her hand was trembling. She hated herself for getting this worked up, this scared over something that was out of the realm of possibility. If she was a drinker, now would be the time to pour herself a large glass of wine. But she wasn’t a drinker. She never kept the stuff in the house. Never ordered it when she went out. Because she was afraid it was hereditary. That she could have an addictive personality, that she could turn into her mother. She refused to do that to her kid.
But right now she needed something to calm her. She picked up the phone, her fingers dialing, her mind not thinking.
“Hello?”
“Talk to me, Tanner. Just talk to me.”
* * *
As soon as he heard Nova’s voice come through the phone he knew that something had gone wrong in her world. He was about to get ready for bed, but he changed his direction, shoved his feet back into his shoes, and headed for his SUV.
“What do you want to talk about, baby?”
