“It’s all making sense,” she murmured.
“What I’m about to tell you will convince you to avoid me at all costs.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”
“This last year I’ve been functioning in a dark cloud of pain and anger. When I saw you with Libby, several things struck me at once. You were beautiful and I found myself attracted to you, even though Roce had met you first. I was so disgusted with myself over my thoughts that I couldn’t get out of the shop fast enough.” He ran a hand over his face. “Now that you know the truth, I’ll walk you to the house.”
“Wait—” she said as he reached for the door handle.
“There isn’t any more, Brianna.”
“You’ve had your turn. Now I need time to explain my behavior to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you apologized to me at the store and asked me to go to dinner, I turned you down. But it wasn’t because I couldn’t forgive your rudeness.”
“Then I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“A man who asks out a single woman while still wearing his wedding ring sends her one clear message—he doesn’t honor his marriage.” When Eli started to say something, she put up her hands to stop him. “I know. At the time you’d wanted to apologize to me in the nicest way possible, but I couldn’t risk it.”
“I don’t understand.”
She lowered her head. “I’d had thoughts, too. Thoughts that disgusted me.”
Intrigued, he leaned closer. “Why?”
She sighed. “You’ve been so honest that I have to do the same. The truth is that first time I saw you at the gem shop I felt an instant attraction to you, too, but you were a married man. There was a ring on your finger. At the time I didn’t know you were divorced.”
What? His heart started to thud.
“To get involved with a married man goes against my principles and I got angry because I hadn’t been able to control my emotions. I asked myself why I didn’t feel that way about Roce, who didn’t wear a wedding band on his finger and who couldn’t have been kinder to me.”
Good grief. They’d both been so wrong about everything. “Did he ask you out?”
“No. But he said the next time he came through Stevensville, he’d drop by the saddlery and we’d go out for a meal.”
Roce had been interested. Any red-blooded man would be.
“Before you jump to any more conclusions, I can tell you now that he was only being nice to me. If he’d been serious, he would have asked for my phone number and made a definite date.”
Eli sat back. “Do you still feel it’s a risk to go out with me?”
“Yes. After what you’ve admitted to me tonight, I know it is.”
He ground his teeth in reaction. “What exactly did I say?”
“I heard the intensity of your emotion when you said you’d give anything if your ex-wife wanted to see Libby. You said you’d do anything to make it happen. If ever a man sounded like he was still in love with his wife, you do.”
“Brianna—”
“Let me finish. No woman would want to compete with the woman who holds your heart. Your Tessa might improve enough to want you and your daughter back. Anything is possible in this world. Miracles do happen. I will pray for you and Libby that it does.”
She unexpectedly opened the door. “I loved this evening and the time spent so we could be honest with each other. One thing I’ve learned in the short time we’ve had together—you’re a great father. I had a great one, too. Libby is luckier than she’ll ever know. Don’t give up on winning your wife back. The chemistry in the brain can change. Good-bye, Eli Clayton. You’re the best.”
He sat there in shock as she got out of the truck and hurried to the front door. When she let herself inside and turned off the porch light, he felt pain rip him apart as if a bull had stomped on his heart until it was a pulpy mess. Her admission that she’d been attracted to him, too, was negated when in the next breath she’d accused him of still being in love with Tessa.
Eli backed out of the driveway and headed home while the question over his feelings for his ex-wife forced him to dig deep in his soul. He would always love Tessa and the memory of her. But they hadn’t lived as man and wife since the baby came. The flame that had kept their love alive had been smothered by illness.
Had it gone out completely? He would have to be with Tessa again to feel if there was any love coming from her before he could answer that question.
Once inside the house he walked to Libby’s room and stood over her crib for a long time. His precious daughter lay flat on her back. Her favorite white polar bear was jammed against the top of her head. In her pink-and-white sleeper pajamas, she looked like a little angel with tangled brown curls who’d just popped out of Heaven.
His thoughts returned to Brianna and he lowered his forehead to the crib railing.
Brianna had said good-bye to him tonight and she’d meant it. He had no choice but to give her the space she wanted. But he didn’t have to sit around and wonder what his heart was telling him about Tessa. Despite their divorce, he needed to see her a final time. It was vital he look in her eyes and talk about their daughter. Eli had stayed away from her more than long enough.
* * *
SATURDAY MORNING ELI stopped by the ranch house with Libby. “Mom?”
“Hi, honey. I’m in the kitchen.” He walked through, carrying his daughter in his arms. “Oh, what a wonderful surprise!” She reached out to hug her. “What brings you here? I hope you’re going to stay a while. I’ve missed you.”
“We’ve missed you, too, but today we have plans. I’m going to be gone most of the day and wanted you to know why in case you tried to find me for some reason.”
His mother gave him the discerning eye. “This sounds serious.”
“It is. I’m leaving for Thompson Falls. I know Tessa and I are divorced, but I feel it’s necessary that she sees us again. Perhaps nothing will ever change with her, but I’m giving it one last chance.”
His mother waited a beat before she said, “You haven’t put your ring back on.”
“No. I want that plus the sight of Libby in my arms to be a surprise, along with my unexpected visit. I’m not the tormented, crushed man she remembers divorcing. Since she wouldn’t have anything to do with Libby after being home a week, this will be my own version of shock therapy to find out if seeing her again changes anything. I owe it to our daughter to make this last attempt.”
“And to you,” his mother added. “Her parents don’t know you’re coming?”
He shook his head. That would take away the element of surprise, the one thing he was counting on.
She put a hand on his arm. “Tessa’s a very lucky woman to have had such an honorable husband. Drive safely. Whatever happens, remember that you’re doing a very unselfish thing today. When your daughter is older, she will bless you for trying.”
Her comment let him know his mother didn’t place a lot of faith in anything changing, but she still supported him. Eli’s throat swelled with emotion. “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
He gave her a kiss and left the house for the truck. His little cherub sat in the back, strapped in her car seat. She had no clue where they were going and didn’t care while she played with one of her doughnut toys.
Thompson Falls was located in a beautiful valley in northwest Montana along the Clark Fork River, two and a half hours from the ranch. He and Tessa had done a lot of fishing there with her parents.
The sun peeked in and out of the cloud cover all the way. Snow blanketed the familiar landscape, but he didn’t feel the pain he’d felt the last time he’d made this journey without the baby.
His world was different now. He had a daughter who was growing up fast and needed all his
love. There was also a blonde woman he wasn’t ready to walk away from at this early stage, not by a long shot. Brianna’s words continued to resound in his head. Don’t give up on winning your wife back. It was good advice, if not for him, for Libby. But this would be his last attempt.
Eli sat back and turned on the radio to a soft rock station. This was the longest trip he’d taken with Libby to date. Every so often, he stopped to change her diaper and give her snacks. He noticed she’d been sneezing. Maybe it was a winter allergy of some kind, but he didn’t think a great deal about it.
In St. Regis he stopped for gas and bought a couple of Snickers bars for himself. Then, at ten after eleven, he pulled into the Marcrofts’ driveway.
It was a Saturday, and Eli imagined Tessa’s family would likely be at home with her. Their cars were probably in the garage. He got out and reached for his daughter, whom he’d dressed in the pink outfit they’d sent.
“This is it, sweetie. You’re going to see your mother for the first time since you were a tiny newborn.” Her answer was another sneeze.
“Hey, what’s going on with you?” He kissed her cheeks and then approached the front door and rang the bell. After a minute it opened.
Tessa stood in the entrance, looking like a person who’d seen a ghost.
“Eli—” she gasped. “My parents aren’t here.”
Maybe that was just as well. She clung to the door. He had the feeling that she was ready to close it on him.
“Naturally, I would enjoy seeing them, but Libby and I came to visit you.”
The last time they’d been together was when he’d driven Tessa to her parents’ house for good. Since then she seemed to have lost about five pounds. He could tell because her jeans were loose on her. Otherwise she was the same woman who’d given birth to their little girl, who was a replica of her with that brown hair and heart-shaped face.
Tessa’s features froze. “If you’re here to tell me you want me back—”
Even though Tessa had spoken in a low voice, Libby hid her face in his neck like she did when confronted by a stranger. It brought out his protective instincts and he held her closer.
“Not at all,” he interjected quietly. “I came to grips with our divorce quite a while ago.” She couldn’t help but see he’d removed his wedding ring.
“Then I wish you’d leave.”
Eli saw no sign in her brown eyes that she’d missed him or thought about him. Was it the medication, or her depression, or both that produced that vacant stare?
He supposed he’d never know. A wealth of memories bombarded him, but oddly enough the only emotion he felt was one of sorrow for his daughter, who would never know her mother.
“I realize this has come as a complete surprise. I didn’t let your parents know my plans, either, but I thought you might want to see Libby just this once.”
He saw her flinch, whether in fear, regret, anger, resentment, he couldn’t tell.
“Now that you’ve accomplished your goal, I’m going to shut the door.”
“Before you do that, I just want to be sure you haven’t changed your mind about giving up your rights to her. Though you signed them away, I would never keep her from you. Wouldn’t you like to hold Libby for a moment?”
Eli waited for her to answer, hoping that her hesitation meant she was considering it.
She acted nervous. “I can’t believe you had the nerve to come here like this unannounced and uninvited.” Her voice faltered.
Eli took a deep breath. “It will never happen again. Good-bye, Tessa.”
Turning on his heel, he walked toward the truck with his daughter’s head bobbing against his shoulder. After strapping Libby in her car seat, he got behind the wheel and backed out of the driveway just as Tessa’s parents were pulling in.
They got out of their car and hurried toward him. “Eli?” Carl spoke first while Diane opened the back door to give Libby a hug. His little girl sneezed again. “Bless you, darling. We didn’t know you were coming.”
“I meant it to be a surprise. I needed to be certain that, after seeing Libby this time, Tessa still felt the same about signing away her rights. She didn’t show any interest at all.”
Tessa’s father shook his head sadly.
“I got my answer for myself, Carl, and promised she’d never see me again. I’ll make that same promise to you. Please forgive me. I realize it was taking a risk to show up uninvited. No doubt she’ll need to talk to her therapist about what happened today.”
Diane came around to the driver’s side of the truck. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’m glad you forced her to face Libby. Tessa’s therapist had suggested a visit before but Tessa was always so indifferent to the advice. Seeing her daughter again after all this time is something she has needed no matter how much she has pushed you away. We love our Libby and you.”
“The feeling’s mutual.”
Carl patted Eli’s shoulder through the window. “We’ll drive to Stevensville soon to spend time with the two of you.”
“We’d love that. You’d better go in to Tessa. Thanks for being so understanding.”
After giving Libby more hugs and kisses, they stepped away from the truck and he drove down the street anxious to get back to the ranch. His little girl would need to run around and stretch her legs after another two-and-a-half-hour trip in the truck.
To his surprise her sneeze had turned into cough. She’d definitely picked up some kind of bug. When they arrived at the house, he’d take her temperature. If she got stuffed up, he’d put the old steamer in her room to ward off a full-fledged cold.
His mind relived today’s visit. It had probably set Tessa back, but Eli wasn’t sorry he’d made the trip. It amazed him what a year away from her had done to his feelings for her. She’d retreated to a place he couldn’t go and wasn’t welcome. He couldn’t relate to the woman she’d become.
Eli had talked with Tessa’s therapist at the beginning. The doctor had told him there were physical reasons behind postpartum depression that had to do with a change in hormones. Hers had turned out to be a severe case. More important, she’d become sleep deprived and anxious about her ability to care for the baby.
Add to that a feeling of being less attractive. The doctor suspected Tessa struggled with her sense of identity and the fact that she’d lost control over her life. Hearing that explanation, Eli had suffered greatly because of his feelings of hopelessness, but those days were over now.
He was glad that he’d taken Brianna’s advice. Seeing his ex-wife today had not only proved to him that his heart was whole again, but he’d also accepted the truth. Tessa had left him and would never be coming back. From here on out he was going to make a brand-new life with his little girl and embrace it.
Once back at his house, he fixed dinner for Libby and himself. She wasn’t very hungry and still had a cough but not a temperature. His mother came over and they played with his daughter until it was time to put her to bed. After setting up the steamer near the crib, they crept out of the nursery into the living room.
His mother darted a glance at him. “You seem good.”
“I feel good. Diane said she was glad I forced Tessa to see Libby. When I drove away from the house, I knew in my gut it was the right thing to have done.”
“I agree. What made you decide to do it?”
“It was something Brianna Frost said to me the other night after I took her out to dinner.”
“What was that?”
“Don’t give up on your wife. Then she said good-bye to me.”
“As in—”
“Good-bye for real.”
“I see. Does she know your history? That you’re divorced?”
He nodded.
“That’s interesting.”
“Not really. She thinks I’m stil
l in love with Tessa. Because I was wearing my wedding ring when we first met at the gem shop.”
“That’s right. You were.”
“Yup, but she’s wrong about my feelings. Tessa was my first love, but I’ve known for a long time that I’m no longer in love with her. I hated admitting to failure. That’s why I kept wearing the ring. But today’s visit helped me see that our marriage wasn’t a failure. It just couldn’t succeed. I drove away with the knowledge that it was truly over and it has steered me in a new direction. I feel so liberated.”
“That’s the best news I’ve heard in a very long time. Good night, honey. Don’t forget Sunday dinner tomorrow, but if Libby gets worse, call me if you need me, even if it’s the middle of the night.”
He walked her to the door. “You know I will. Thanks, Mom.”
Eli gave her a hug and watched her walk out to the Land Rover. Tomorrow evening he had a phone call to make to Brianna and would be counting the hours until then. He expected pushback, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from being with her again. She’d lit a fire in him the first time he’d laid eyes on her. He knew himself too well. The flame was far too strong for anything to extinguish it now.
Chapter Five
Late Tuesday afternoon the saddlery phone rang while Brianna was finishing up with a customer. Her uncle had already gone home. She handed the rancher his box of new boots before picking up.
“Good afternoon. Frosts’ Saddlery.”
“Brianna Frost?” The male voice was familiar, but it wasn’t her brother or Roce Clayton or Antonio Perez or Asa Harding, who worked on a nearby ranch. It certainly wasn’t the cowboy she’d made certain she would never hear from again. Big mistake, as she’d found out after too many sleepless nights.
Her hand tightened on the receiver. She hated it when a caller started out by blurting her full name that way. It made her nervous. “May I help you?” she asked.
“I’m planning on it.”
The man’s arrogance rang a bell. Don Shapiro from the bank. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who this is,” she lied.
A Valentine for the Cowboy Page 6
