by Claire Adams
“Yeah, I’m not a big fan of the overnights, either. I thought I’d love not having to work and basically just sitting around all night. But it’s boring as hell. I’d rather have the patients awake so I have something to do all day.”
“Maybe after the New Year we can switch back to days?”
“Why after the New Year?” Kaitlin asked. “Let’s switch back now. That way we can go out this weekend.”
She obviously didn’t know that I was purposely avoiding working on the regular unit, but I couldn’t exactly come out and admit that I had a thing with a patient. A thing? Was that what it was? I wasn’t even sure. All I knew was it couldn’t be an approved activity on the unit and I loved my job. I loved it so much that I wasn’t going to risk losing it.
I kept thinking about Erik, though. I would close my eyes and remember what it felt like to have him next to me. My body wanted to feel his hands on me. I fantasized about his lips moving down my body and tasting every inch of me. My thoughts were out of control. So I certainly didn’t want to tell Kaitlin anything about what happened between Erik and me.
“It’s three days before Christmas. Do you seriously want to go out?” I asked.
“Yes, Cassidy, I want to go out. You have been putting it off for months. Let’s go out on Saturday and just dance and have some fun. I’ll drink club sodas with you and the two of us can just enjoy blowing off some steam.”
It was a nice offer and Kaitlin was a great friend to offer not to drink alcohol while we were out. But I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to actually go anywhere that had alcohol. It scared me. Even though I was scared, I wanted Kaitlin and I to start having more fun. Maybe the reason I was falling for a patient was because I never got out and socialized with other people.
“I guess we could give it a try.”
“Oh, you sound so excited.”
“Sorry, I am. I think it will be great. Swing by my house and get me Saturday night. I’ll even put a dress on and some makeup,” I laughed.
“Well, now you are talkin’!”
I considered telling her about what had happened between Erik and I. But I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what I had let happen. Kaitlin wouldn’t have thought badly of me for letting Erik kiss my neck, but she would have teased me about it relentlessly, so I kept it to myself.
In order to go out on Saturday, both Kaitlin and I had to work the day shift on the regular unit. It would be the first time I had to see Erik since taking hours on the secure unit. I told myself that things didn’t need to be weird, though. I would just put on a happy face and talk about the upcoming Christmas vacation.
On Sunday, most of the patients would be taking three day leaves with their family to enjoy the holiday. There were about a half of a dozen patients who would remain at the hospital typically. The people who remained were the ones whose families had given up on them, or they were too sick to be out for three whole days.
“Brianna,” I said as I saw her sitting in the day area.
She looked tired and frail, but so much better than the last time I had seen her. She was alive and that made me so happy.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Brianna doesn’t remember any of us,” Erik said as he brought a tray of food to her and sat down with us.
I wanted to avoid Erik, but I wanted to catch up with Brianna so much more. I had cried all night the evening she had been taken to the hospital. I cried for her, for her husband, for her children. It had been the first time such a thing had happened while I was working and I would absolutely never forget it.
“I’m sorry, he’s right. I don’t even remember being here,” her soft voice said as she pushed the food around on her plate.
“It’s okay,” I replied in the most upbeat voice I could manage. “I’m Cassidy. I sat with you when you first got here. You told me about your three daughters.”
She smiled at me and then started to sob. I looked at Erik to see what I had said wrong, but he just shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t know either. One of the worst feelings in the world was when a patient was crying and I didn’t know how to help them. It was my job to help people and feeling helpless wasn’t something I did very well.
“I’m such a horrible person,” she wailed.
“No, you’re not horrible. None of us are horrible. We are just doing the best we can,” Erik said and gently touched Brianna’s hand.
He was so kind to her, nothing like he had been the first day I had met him. Everything about Erik seemed more genuine as he sat there consoling this young mother. I watched as he talked with Brianna and did his best to help her feel better. She really listened to him and after a few minutes, seemed to be feeling a little better.
“I’ll check in with you guys later,” I said as I excused myself.
“Good job, you made her cry again,” Kaitlin said as I stood at the nurses’ station with my back to the group.
“I just said that she told me about her daughters that first day she was here.”
“It’s okay, she’s been crying all night long. I got a report on her when I arrived and it seems like she didn’t sleep much. But her husband rode with her in the ambulance over here and he was really sweet and encouraging. I don’t know, but I really hope she can get a hold of her issues.”
“What do you mean?”
“Apparently, she had been stealing from a local liquor store, has some legal charges and stuff. A lot of really embarrassing things for her husband and her. But he’s sticking by her. That’s a pretty good guy.”
“Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t talk to her today. I don’t want to make her cry again.”
“Hell no, you are assigned to her, Erik, and Brad today. Brad is going home tomorrow and he’s a mess, too. Erik’s going to be easy, though. He just moved into a room with a door, so he’s pretty happy about that.”
“Wow, I’m off the unit for a couple of days and everything changes. Who is staying for the holiday? I promised Mr. March I would send him a list so he knows how to staff for the next couple of days.”
“Well, on this unit, I think it’s just Brianna and Erik.”
It always made me sad that anyone had to stay at our facility during the holiday. It wasn’t a happy place at all when all the other patients were gone and only one or two staff members were around. But it was the reality of many people’s lives.
“Yeah, Brianna definitely isn’t well enough, but that’s sad that she won’t get to be with her daughters. But why is Erik staying?”
“I’m not sure,” Kaitlin said as she went back to work. “I think he told Susan that he doesn’t have a family.”
My heart sank. Erik hadn’t really been open about his home life, but I thought he had some people who cared about him. Erik had almost finished a whole month of treatment, getting out for a few days would have given him some motivation to get through the second half of his inpatient recovery.
As I sat down at the computer to type the message to Mr. March, I looked up and saw Erik with his arm gently around Brianna’s back. He was consoling her still, like a brother or friend would do. She really needed that, and I couldn’t help but be even more endeared to Erik.
As I started to type, I decided to go talk with Erik first and just confirm that he wasn’t going to be leaving. Certainly, he had to have a friend or someone else in his life that he wanted to spend the holiday with. I didn’t want to tell Mr. March that Erik would be staying if there was someone in his life that could take him in. That was the same way for any other patient that was there who had finished as much treatment as Erik had. Spending time with loved ones was necessary if they could manage it.
“When you get a minute, I need to talk to you about the holiday,” I said softly as I stood next to him at the table.
“It’s okay. I’m going to go lay down,” Brianna excused herself and then quickly went to her room.
It was as if she had been waiting for an excuse to leave the day area and go hide away. There woul
d be a lot of excitement going on today on the unit so it was probably best that she rested and gathered her energy. At least she was safe and through her detox, but even though her body was safe, the recovery process had just started.
“Kaitlin says that you don’t plan on going home with your family for the holiday?”
“Nope, going to hang out here with the cool people.”
“Oh, but don’t you have anyone?”
Erik, looked up toward the ceiling like he was thinking really hard about it. I couldn’t help but notice that he had shaved. He looked younger without the scruff from his beard on his face. He looked more like a movie star than a tech businessman. I could imagine him in a tuxedo walking down a red carpet, probably holding onto a sexy model at his side.
“Nope, I’m going to chill here. It’s fine, I’m excited to have some peace and Kaitlin promised me I’d get to swim as much as I wanted.”
He tried to put on a happy face, but underneath it, I saw so much pain. How could he have no one to spend the holiday with? I couldn’t imagine a life like that at all. Even when my parents had forced me into treatment, I always knew that they would be there for me. Sure, they might be really angry with me, but they would always love me.
“Your mom has passed away, but what about the rest of your family? Your father, maybe?”
“I’m staying here. That’s the end of it, okay, Cassidy?” he said firmly.
“It’s just that normally only the new people stay. All the programming will be the groups that you’ve already done, and we only do half of those. You’re going to get really bored.”
Erik looked extremely annoyed at me for continuing with the topic, but I couldn’t let him sit at Paradise Peak for the whole holiday if there were anywhere else that he could go. Even though I had signed up to work, it was starting to look like even I wasn’t going to be needed. If there were really only six patients, there would be no need for a technician to work with the nurses; they would likely just have two nurses on staff.
“I’m staying. Tell who you need to tell and let’s drop it.”
“What about your business partner? What was his name again?”
“Spencer, and no. I’m not going to intrude on him. I’m fine, Cassidy. I really am. I’ve got a couple of new books to read, I’m going to work out and swim, it’s going to be like a little vacation for me. I’m perfectly fine. Now if you don’t drop it, I’m going to start crying like Brianna did,” he said with a half of a grin.
“I can tell Mr. March that you’re a maybe, that way if you make some plans, it won’t matter to the scheduling.”
Erik looked at me with a stern look, stood up, and walked directly to his new room, with a door. He didn’t say another word to me all morning long. He wasn’t the type of guy who liked a good argument, I could tell that right away. I imagined at his business, people didn’t question him much when he made decisions and probably just followed all the orders he gave.
Leaving for the holiday wasn’t just about seeing family, though. A couple of days outside of the walls of the treatment center gave patients the ability to test drive their new coping skills. When there weren’t holidays scheduled, patients could still get a leave to go home with their family for a night or a weekend. It really was the perfect opportunity for patients to see what was working for them and what they still struggled with.
“Aren’t you on a roll today?” Kaitlin laughed as both Erik and Brianna seemed to be ignoring me. “What happened to the girl everyone loved?”
“I have no idea. I just asked Erik if there was anyone that he could spend the holiday with. I can’t fathom he doesn’t have at least one person in his life that he would want to see in Christmas.”
“Cassidy, not everyone has loving families. You know this, I know you do.”
“It’s just weird.”
“You know what’s weird?” she said as she leaned in. “It’s weird how your eyes light up when you’re talking to him.”
“What? No they don’t,” I protested.
“Um, I watched you talking to him. You definitely light up.”
“No, I don’t!”
“I just call it like I see it,” she said smugly as she leaned back in her chair.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Maybe I shouldn’t go dancing with you tonight. You’re just going to say I’m in love with every guy I have a conversation with.”
“You’re in love with Erik?” Kaitlin teased.
“Yeah, that’s exactly it, I’m in love with Erik,” I said sarcastically.
The look on Kaitlin’s face told me he was behind me long before I turned around and actually saw him. My heart sank at the idea that he had just heard what I had said. No, I didn’t love him. Obviously, I didn’t love the guy – I hardly knew him. But the pure fact that the words had left my mouth and he had heard them…it was mortifying.
“I love you, too,” he said and winked at me. “Kaitlin, can I get some towels,” he said as he turned his attention to her.
Kaitlin rushed away from the counter as quickly as she could. The awkwardness that was about to happen was nothing that she wanted to be part of and I couldn’t blame her at all. Being awkward around men was kind of my thing. No matter how hard I tried to act like a normal person, my words inevitably got twisted and I sounded like some sort of weird woman.
“I don’t love you. I said a joke and Kaitlin said something. Then, well, I don’t know how it came to that. But I’m not some sort of weirdo. I don’t love you.”
He chuckled at my awkwardness and smiled. He certainly no longer seemed to care that I had hounded him about going home for Christmas. I liked it when he smiled. His teeth were amazingly white and the creases in his face made him look distinguished as his face lit up. He really should smile more often.
“You guys are going dancing?” he said as he expertly changed the subject.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I agreed. I’m a horrible dancer.”
His eyes lingered as he followed the curves of my body and looked over every inch of me. He took his time and then let his eyes focus on mine before he responded. I felt hot as he looked at me. My actual temperature was rising the longer his eyes stayed on my body. There weren’t too many time in my past that I remembered a man looking at me with that level of affection. It was nice, I felt desired, and that gave me a little confidence – which I was certainly going to need if I was going dancing with Kaitlin.
Dancing wasn’t my thing at all. While drunk, I had had fun with it, but while sober, I could only imagine how horrible the night would be. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to go out to impress anyone. I was simply going to go dancing so I could spend time with my friend.
“I doubt you’re bad at anything that involves using your body.”
My breathing stopped as I processed what he had just said. Is he saying he thought I was good at sex? Or dancing? I couldn’t think straight and stood there staring at him like I physically couldn’t speak.
“We are going dancing,” I managed to mumble.
“Yeah, I know,” he laughed.
“Here you go,” Kaitlin said as she looked at me and then back at Erik. “What’s wrong with her?”
“I think she’s excited that you guys are going dancing,” he said jokingly. “Have fun tonight, ladies.”
“Oh, we will!” Kaitlin hollered after him as he went back toward his room.
She waited until he closed his door before she looked at me in search of some sort of answer to why my face was bright red. I felt like she had to know there was something going on between Erik and I, but she didn’t seem to care. Kaitlin was a good friend and someone I could count on no matter what stupid stuff I did in my life.
“Don’t ask,” I laughed.
“You only get that embarrassed by a man if you like him,” she said smugly. “And tonight, we’re going to talk all about it.”
I rolled my eyes and went back to work. I knew what she was saying was exactly
the truth. Kaitlin wasn’t going to let me off the hook without drilling me all about what Erik had said and why my face had been totally red.
Chapter 12
Erik
“Phone call for you, Erik,” Susan said while she held the phone at the nurses’ station.
It was Christmas Eve, and I hadn’t expected anyone to call me. Pretty much I didn’t expect anyone to call me on any day that I had been there, but on a couple occasions my friends from back in San Francisco had called to chat. And of course Spencer had called a few times, as well.
“Hello,” I said with hesitation.
“Hey,” the voice said.
Instantly, I knew it was my brother Heath. Then all I could think about was that something must have happened to our father. Heath wouldn’t have willingly called me if he didn’t have horrible news. I took a deep breath and prepared myself.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing much. Dad said you called the other day.”
Yeah, I had called like a week earlier, was what I wanted to say. But that was the old me, instead I tried to be thankful that he was calling now. I loved my brother; I loved my father. They were both important people in my life and I had made the decision to try and mend our broken relationship. I couldn’t do that if I revered by to my old ways.
Although it had taken me a few weeks to get into the hand of group sessions and therapy, I actually felt like I was growing and becoming a better person. The coping skills that Jarrod was teaching me had really helped when I started to feel panicked and I felt more in control of my emotions than I could ever remember feeling.
“Yeah, I just wanted to check in with you guys and let you know how I’m doing.”
“So, you’re still there?”
Again, I had so many sarcastic comments that I wanted to respond with. Of course I was still there; he had just called me and I answered the phone. But I kept my comments to myself and continued to try and have a decent conversation.
“I can send you guys some plane tickets if you’d like to come visit,” I started to say.
