by Kailin Gow
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning...” He pressed the cell phone into my hands. “You're going to get on the phone with the rest of the Never Knights until they agree.”
That would be the hard part, I knew. My relationship with them had been rocky for the past few months – cordial at best, fraught at worst. And now I was supposed to just call them out of the blue and tell them that I wanted the band back together? I could have laughed, it was so ridiculous. But as I looked into Danny's deep blue eyes, I knew that this was no laughing matter. Danny was serious – deadly serious – and so, I realized, was I. I had to swallow my pride, get down on my knees, and beg, beg, if I had to, to get the boys back together. I'd spent my life trying to convince my father, my mother, anybody that would listen that music was my life, that it was the thing I'd sacrifice everything for. And if I had to swallow my pride, eat humble pie, and beg Steve, Luc, and Kyle to come back to the fold – well – that's what I'd have to do.
I turned to Danny, trying not to let him see how nervous I felt.
“Okay,” I said. “Let's give this a go.”
I decided to call Steve, first. As angry as he had been with me over the band's collapse, he was – at least – uncomplicated. As far as us went, Steve cared about me as a band-mate, first and foremost, and as a friend a strong second. There was no awkwardness there – Steve and I were too much like brother and sister to even think of dating – a fact that seemed no small relief compared to the prospect of calling up Luc and Kyle next.
I swallowed hard as I listened to the line ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, uh, Steve, don't hang up. It's Neve.”
His voice was cold and short. “I know. I saw the caller ID.”
“And you picked up anyway?” I tried to mute the note of hope in my voice.
He sighed. “Yeah, I picked up. What do you want?”
“Look, Steve, I want...” Long and convoluted phrases raced through my mind. I could start slow, explaining everything step by step, apologizing for how I'd acted with Kyle and Luc, mentioning Danny's desire to start his own record label, foregrounding the financial viability of such an action. But instead it all came out at once. “I want to get the band back together.”
There was silence on the other end of the line, followed by a short, sharp laugh.
“You really do just get to the point, don't you, Neve?”
“Come on, Steve, you know as well as I do – all this drama's just been a distraction. What's really important is the music. And you know it – I know it – Luc and Kyle and Danny know it. We're good. But together, when we're all playing as one, then we're great. And we need each other.”
“And Luc and Kyle? Do they need you more?”
“It'll be different this time, Steve. I know what to expect, now. And I know how important it is to be sensitive – whatever happens between me and Danny, it'll be discreet. We'll stay out of everyone's way.”
“And Roni? How are we going to stay out of her way?”
I told Steve about Danny's idea, about the plan to start our own record label.
“Well,” Steve said, when I'd finished. “That's certainly ambitious.”
“It's ambitious because he believes in the payoff,” I said. “And if Danny believes in us – how can you do anything but have faith? You've been part of the band from the beginning.”
I could hear Steve waver. “You certainly make a compelling case,” he said. “But things need to change, Neve. I'm sick of being the one to take care of Kyle, or of Luc, when the drama goes down. I'm a drummer, not a shrink. And Luc and Kyle are my friends – you all are. I care about all of you. And I don't want to watch anyone get hurt.”
“Nobody's going to get hurt,” I said, but as I spoke I felt a tightening in my stomach. I looked across at Danny, who was smiling at me, desire flaming in his eyes. Can I really promise that I won't get hurt again?
“Tell you what,” Steve said. “If the others agree, I'm in. If you can get Luc and Kyle on your side, then I'll be there, too, 100%. Does that sound fair?”
“I'll work on them,” I said. “I like a challenge.”
I could hear Steve's laughter – so strange to me, after all this time – and yet so wonderfully familiar. I realized how much I'd missed it. “You always did, Neve,” he said as he hung up the phone.
“Well?” Danny grinned at me.
“One down,” I said. “Two to go.”
Luc was the next on the list. I'd been dreading speaking to him again – would he be angry with me? Bitter? Sullen? My heart beat faster and faster with every ring.
“Neve?”
His voice was so full of warmth, so full of joy, that I wanted to cry.
“Neve, is that you?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It's me.”
He was silent for a while. At last he spoke. “I'm glad,” he said slowly. “Really glad that you called.”
“You are?”
“I'd been thinking of calling you myself, you know. But I was...”
“I was shy too,” I said. “That's why I left it as long as I did.”
Shy. And guilty. Guilty that I couldn't love him as honestly, as purely as he loved me.
“Look, Luc, I'm calling...”
“Yes.”
It was everything I needed to hear.
“Yes – what?”
“You want the band back together – isn't that it?”
“Yeah.”
“I knew it, Neve. I knew you wouldn't give up on us. And I only wish I had the courage to be the one to call you first.” I could hear the pain in his voice – coming in loud and clear on the line from halfway across LA.
“Then – you'll come back?” My voice was trembling.
“If you'll have me, Neve.”
Good old Luc, I thought, my heart beating faster with joy. Despite everything that had happened between us, he was a good friend. A true friend.
“Of course I will,” I said.
“Have the others agreed, too?”
“Steve has.”
“And Kyle?”
We both fell silent. Convincing Kyle, I knew, would be the hardest part of all. I sighed. “I certainly hope so,” I said. “I can't be sure. He's next on my list.”
Luc let out a groan. “Good luck,” he said.
“You don't think it'll work?”
“I do, but...” He lowered his voice. “Look, Neve. I can get over what happened. But Kyle...it's not as easy for him. He's trying to move on, I know he is. Going on double dates with Steve, trying to live it up. But...it's harder for him than it was for me. He doesn't let go of things so easily.”
Another long silence elapsed.
“Let's hope he doesn't let go of the Never Knights,” I whispered.
Chapter 4
I spent a good ten minutes staring at the phone in my hand. Calling Kyle was going to be the hardest thing I'd had to do in months – since the Never Knights broke up. For good, we'd said then. But now, with Luc and Steve so close to rejoining the band, the possibility of the Never Knights playing once more coursed through my veins, making my heart beat faster, making a familiar flush of joy spread over my face like afterglow.
As long as he says yes. I gulped. Would Kyle agree to rejoin the band – after all we'd been through? After all I'd put him through? It hadn't been intentional, of course. I'd never led Kyle on, never pretended to want him or to love him when I didn't, but deep down I'd been fully aware of his feelings for me. And I'd ignored them. Pretended that they weren't there. Hoped that if I never addressed the issue, it would go away. But Kyle wasn't like that. Kyle held onto things – the things that mattered. He'd known enough loss, enough absence in his life, that he clung to the things he thought he wanted, even if they were impossible. Hoping against hope that they would save him from the pain I saw so clearly in his bright blue eyes.
I flipped through pictures of Kyle on my cell phone, delaying the call. He was so handsome, I thought. Floppy blond hair
, eyes like the sea he so loved, a thin, delicate face, that innocent smile. A guy like that, I thought, looked like he hadn't a care in the world.
But I knew better than most that Kyle had far more cares than he let on. I still remembered the scared little boy our housekeeper had brought home with her one rainy autumn evening, the whispers she'd exchanged with my parents. I remembered how I'd stared at the boy from across the hall, how I thought to myself that I'd never seen anyone so scared in my life.
“He's had a rough time,” that's all my parents said then. “Bad things happened to him.” They wanted to shield me from the truth – they thought I was too young to handle it.
Kyle, I thought, you were too young to handle it. A father who had shot a mother before his eyes, who had gone to jail for the rest of his life, no chance of parole: everyone Kyle had ever loved destroyed in the blink of an eye. His family gone – just like that. I bit my lip as I thought of my own father, my own mother. Unconventional they certainly were, but where it counted, they were family. And I couldn't even think of a world without them in it.
But Kyle had been only a boy when he came to live with his aunt, when he peered at me from behind the bannisters of the staircase and asked me if he would be allowed blankets.
What a strange question, I'd thought then – only a girl myself. Who isn't allowed blankets? But as I flipped through photos of Kyle on the phone – modeling shots from magazines, his polaroids, candids we'd taken together – my heart broke for him.
I couldn't force myself to want him, to love him that way. I didn't want to. But I couldn't give up on him, either. Sure, he had boundary issues – bad ones – but I could hardly blame him. He was afraid that one day he'd lose me, too.
I took a deep breath and dialed.
He answered almost immediately.
“I don't want to talk to you, Neve,” he said.
“Kyle – wait!”
“Neve...” His voice was low and full of pain. “I'm not mad. I'm not pissed. I just don't want to talk to you.”
“It's about....”
“We've been over this, Neve,” he sounded like he was holding back tears. “I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with you. I know, I know, I should be stronger. And I should be able to cope with it. But I can't. And I need the space to do it without you.”
“Kyle – it's not about me....” I started to stammer, losing my words. “I mean – it's about the band.”
“About the band?”
“Well, Da-....” I decided to take a different approach. “Well, circumstances have changed,” I said. “And it looks like there might be a way to fund the band on our own, now. Putting it out independently, with our own record label. And, if that works out, obviously, we'd need...”
“You'd need the band back together, is that it?” Kyle's voice was cold and sharp. “And here I was, thinking you called to talk to me.”
“I did!” I insisted. “I mean, I want to talk to you. But you don't want to talk to me, you said it yourself.”
“But you think I want to talk about the band?”
“You know how important the band is. To all of us.”
“The others?” Kyle's voice had turned slow, careful. “Have they already agreed?”
“Steve said he's in if you're in.”
“And Luc? Him too?” There was a note of accusation in his voice. He knew, after all, that Luc's feelings for me were as strong as his own.
“Luc said yes,” I said. “He didn't hesitate.”
“Of course he didn't.” I could hear Kyle take a deep sigh. “And what about...him?”
Danny. The problem. The elephant in the room.
“The whole band agreed,” I said. I gave a high, false laugh – trying to lighten the mood and failing miserable. “So it's just down to you know, I guess, huh?”
“I guess.”
Kyle's silence was agonizing.
“I don't want to come back,” he said, at last.
I could feel my heart sink.
“But I also don't want to let everyone else down. And I know it would be selfish of me to let my personal feelings get in the way of the band's success.”
I couldn't help feeling guilty then. After all, hadn't it been my personal feelings for Danny Blue that got us into this mess to begin with?
“Just promise me one thing, Neve?” He sounded pleading, almost desperate.
“Anything, Kyle,” I said. “You let me know what you need.”
“Just – tone it down, okay? When you two are together? Around me, I mean.” Another deep inhalation of breath. “I just don't think I could take it right now.”
I looked over at Danny, who was standing by the window, talking on his phone. The light fell upon his shirtless chest, dappling the taut muscles in light. Even now, I felt my heart beat faster; even now his beauty could awaken such powerful desire in me. Oh, Danny boy, I thought, I really hope you're worth all this unhappiness. I really hope we're worth it.
“I promise, Kyle,” I said. “When we're in the rehearsal room, it's about the band and nothing but the band. No personal interference at all.” But I couldn't stop myself from adding, “but if you ever decide you don't want so much space...”
“I'll let you know, okay?” Kyle said quickly. “You know, it's not like I haven't been dating again. Steve and I even went out on a double date, just last week.”
“I know,” I said. “He told me.”
“He....” Kyle went silent. “I just figured you should know.”
“I'm happy for you, Kyle. Really, I am.”
“You are?” I could hear him brighten, all the way across the city.
“So, you'll rejoin the band?”
“Let's see how it goes,” Kyle said. “I know how important it is to the guys.” Another long pause. “And to you.”
“Thank you.” It didn't feel like enough, somehow, but it would have to do.
“Text me the details of rehearsal?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Bye, Neve.”
“Goodbye, Kyle.”
I exhaled deeply, exhausted both mentally and physically. Talking to Kyle was always hard these days.
“Did you get what you wanted, love?” Danny sat down next to me, pressing his lips to my forehead.
“I think so,” I said. I'd gained a band-mate, after all – I'd got what I set out to do. But I hadn't gained back my best friend. The boy who had been like a brother to me. Kyle would be part of the Never Knights – that much, at least, was clear. But I couldn't help worrying – would we ever be a real family again? Eating dinners at Luc's mother's house, playing video games, laughing, joking, telling secrets?
“Let me cheer you up,” Danny said, kissing me so deeply that I had to stifle a moan. “I've got what I wanted, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Someone else is on board.”
“Who?”
“Remember good old Slayton?”
I remembered him well. The RRR talent scout had spotted us just before Danny joined the band. He'd told us that we were good, but needed work – and boy, had we worked to earn his respect. But we'd earned it, in the end.
“Turns out, he's not too happy with the direction RRR is going either, which is to say the direction my stepmother dearest is taking it in. He's worked with Hendrix and Bowie – and let's just say, the Dusk Riders aren't exactly what he had in mind for his pre-retirement project.”
“You mean....”
“He's all on board with Blue Records,” Danny said. “We've still got some loose ends to tie up, business paperwork, all that – but I think that we may be on our way to our own label. Sooner, rather than later, by the sounds of it. Slayton couldn't wait to jump ship when I told him about our new album.”
“New album?” I turned to Danny. “What new album?”
“Why, the one we're going to write, of course,” Danny said, kissing me lightly on the nose. “Now text those band mates of yours. We have a lot to get done, and not
much time to do it in. And I've got a very particular love song I have in mind. It's about a girl, with long, shiny hair and big, soulful eyes and a killer smile.”
“You mean Roni Taylor, huh?” I laughed, kissing him back.
“Yeah, exactly. That's exactly who I mean.” He placed his hand around my neck, drawing towards him, the fingers of his other hand trailing lightly at my breast, causing me to let loose a small yelp of pleasure.
“That's what I like to hear,” he murmured. “Oh, Neve, can't you see? The Never Knights are going to be back – and better than ever before, just you wait. We've got a whole future ahead of us, you and I and the band. And it's so close....” He leaned in and kissed my neck. “That I can taste it.”
I leaned back into the pillow, letting him kiss me again and again, surrendering to the joy – lazy and delirious – of being with him once again. Yet I couldn't stop thinking of Luc's voice, of Kyle's pain – of the heartbreak that Danny and I had left in our wake. Would Danny and I really be able to tone it down enough for Kyle – or for Luc? Would we ever really be able to be the Never Knights once more?
Danny boy, you're trouble. The problem is, you're the kind of trouble I don't ever want to get out of.
Chapter 5
It didn't take long for things to start moving again. Danny Blue, it seemed, was not one for sitting around and doing nothing. No sooner had Slayton agreed to manage Blues Records, using his decades of business savvy to help us stay in control of the financial side of the proceedings, than Danny opened up the phone book and dialed what seemed like every single club promoter, manager, and agent within a hundred miles of the USC Campus.
“It's not going to be easy,” Danny said. “I may have funds, but what I don't have is street cred. And I can guarantee Roni Taylor and the Dusk Riders have filled up every available slot already – for all I know, she's put a moratorium on us.”
“You think she'd do that?” I leaned in, kissing his shoulder, taking in the intoxicating smell of his musk.
“I don't know what she'd do,” said Danny. “But I wouldn't put anything past her. I hate that my father's fallen for her tricks.” He laughed softly. “But that's what he thinks life is all about, I guess. Getting rich, finding a beautiful woman to marry, showing her off like a show pony to all of his rich friends with equally young wives...” The contempt in his voice cut through it like a knife. “I'd almost feel sorry for her, you know. If she weren't so awful. I can't say my dad's been the best husband to her. Or father to me.” His eyes grew dark with pain, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
