by Kailin Gow
How could we even think of replacing Steve?
“I know what you're thinking...” Steve's voice was lower, now; calmer, now. “I just want you to know, Neve...I'm okay with whatever you have to do.” His voice was shaking, like he was trying not to cry. “The band comes first. And I'll get better – I know I will. This is just temporary...”
“No, Steve!” Kyle was always so kind, so warm. “Nobody's talking about replacing you. We'll go to the doctor, see what he can do, get you stitched up as good as new...” Just like Kyle I thought – trying to fix things, trying to make everything better all by himself...trying to fix things for the rest of us.
“Don't be silly, Kyle,” Steve said, his voice low and raspy. “I know what's happened. My hand is broken. There's no way to fix that that quickly.” He swallowed hard. “Do what you have to do, Neve. Replace me – as fast as you can. At least until I'm better.” His eyes were shining with tears. “I shouldn't have been so stupid, knowing the Dusk Riders were still out for our blood...”
“You weren't stupid,” I murmured.
The paramedics came soon enough, wheeling Steve off to the hospital. “You stay here,” he insisted. “I'll have my mom and dad meet me at the hospital. You have band stuff to worry about now....”
But we couldn't talk about the band right now. Instead we sat in still, shocked silence. All of us, that is, except Danny.
“Can he do it?” Danny's voice, brusque and business-like, broke the quiet of the moment. He was on the phone, pacing back and forth in large strides across the suite. “By tomorrow – fly him out, whatever airline, don't care. First thing. Yes? Yes.”
I'd never seen Danny like this. This wasn't Danny the rocker. This was Daniel Blue, CEO, heir to Blues Enterprises and all that went with it.
“Neve?” Danny's voice had grown a little softer. “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”
“Sure...” I watched Kyle and Luc's eyes narrow as I followed Danny out onto the terrace. “What's going on?”
Danny took a deep breath. “Right,” he said, simply. “Novels for Angels. 90's indie band. You know them?”
“Yeah?” I said. “Heard of them, why?”
“Their drummer. Ilford.”
“Yes – what about him?”
“He'll be on the five o'clock plane from New York.”
“What?” My mouth dropped open. “How?”
“Slayton,” said Danny. “He'd mentioned them before. Novels for Angels broke up after the lead singer had an affair with the bassist. Not great for their guitarist – what with being her husband at all. Not great for their drummer, either...Slayton mentioned he was looking for a gig.”
I looked at him in shock. I didn't deny that we needed a replacement for Steve – but...so soon?
He saw my stricken face.
“Would you mind announcing it to the rest of them, though, Neve?” This Danny wasn't business-like at all, but rather retiring, even shy.
“Why me?”
“This is your band, Neve, not mine. Already I feel like an interloper – stepping in and running things. The last thing I want to do is make the guys think I'm taking over. I like them, Neve, really I do, even if I am a bit jealous of them...and vice versa.”
My heart swelled with pride and love. I wanted to kiss him – I would have kissed him, had I not known that Luc and Kyle could see us behind the glass terrace door. Instead, I subtly squeezed his hand.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
But as I walked back in, I saw that Kyle had gone white – white as a sheet, I thought – like he'd just seen a ghost. Could one hand-squeeze have bothered him that much? I wondered. No, whatever had happened, it was more serious than that, much more serious. Kyle's eyes were red-rimmed, tears dribbling down the end of his nose. He was shaking – shaking like a scared little boy that had just woken up from a nightmare.
“What is it, Kyle?” I asked him. “Are you okay?”
He was rocking back and forth, now, his arms around his knees. He couldn't answer me.
It was Luc who stood up, who led me and Danny into a corner, away from Kyle.
“He checked his voicemail,” he said. “It's from his aunt.” Luc looked like he was about to cry, too. “His dad – they just let him out of jail. He's on parole. And this morning, his aunt came home to find an unsigned postcard in her mailbox. From Missouri.”
“Missouri.”
“Where his dad's jail is.” Luc waited for us to understand. “He knows where Kyle and his aunt live. Which means he knows where you live, Neve. He's already killed Kyle's mom – and Kyle thinks...”
“That he's not done killing?” Danny's voice was hollow.
I looked over at Kyle, who was still rocking back and forth. How could I even imagine what horrible images were going through his head?
Maybe the nightmare was just beginning.
Chapter 9
It took until morning until we could get Kyle to speak. He spent the night rocking back and forth, his arms crossed in front of his knees, mewing softly in quiet, kittenish wails. I had never seen him like this – not since the first day I saw him in my mother's kitchen, that scared little boy who had seen so much, suffered so deeply, the likes of which I never would understand. The handsome, jocular athlete with his male-model good looks and easy air had vanished, leaving in his place a haunted, frightened child.
I knew that Kyle's father was no ordinary killer. I'd eavesdropped on my mother and father often enough to know the whole story, the story my parents didn't want a young girl like me to hear. Kyle's father had tortured and killed his mother – shot her point-blank in the head right in front of him. Was that what Kyle was seeing now, I wondered, feeling my heart break for him? Were those images going through his head over and over? My imaginings were horrible enough; I couldn't even begin to conceive of what Kyle himself was going through.
And now Kyle's dad was out of jail. On parole. I shuddered to think at how he'd managed that. From what I knew, Kyle's dad could be wildly charming – when he wanted to be. It's how he'd gotten away with abusing his wife and child for so long. Every time his mother called the police; every time a stranger in the mall had called Child Services with a worry about the mysterious bruises on Kyle's face or arms or legs, it had been Kyle's father who answered the door with a cheery “Morning, officers” and the offer of a cold beer or two. “Kids,” he'd say to them - “always getting into scrapes.” And, sometimes, when he was especially drunk, and especially charming, and he thought the good old boys on the police force would be sympathetic to his cause. “Women,” he'd say. “You can never tell them anything without telling them twice.”
Hysterical, unstable, untrustworthy, unreliable, hormonal. All words, I knew, that Kyle's dad had used to describe the wife he beat day in and day out. Until the day he shot her.
But even that wasn't enough to keep him behind bars for life. I grimaced as I imagined what the parole hearing would have been like. “It was an accident, your Honor, honest! She was coming straight at me – she was hysterical – she couldn't control herself, your Honor, never could! She got it into her head that I was cheating on her – a good, old fashioned family man like me! And she came at me with the gun....”
How easy it must have been for him, I thought, my stomach sinking with a sickening thud, to lie to the whole world, to convince everyone that it had been an accident.
The only person who could testify otherwise was Kyle, and who would believe a traumatized little boy?
But now Kyle's father was out – and he knew where his son was. And if I knew anything about abusers, I knew that they didn't like it when their personal property escaped from under their control. The postcard was a sign – a coded message. It meant I know where you live. It meant you'll never be safe – not as long as I'm around. It meant I'm coming for you.
It was dawn before I went over to Kyle and wrapped my arms around him, the way I used to do when he was a child having nightmares. It was how I used to calm him
down when the attacks started. I'd rock back and forth with him, holding him tight, until the shaking stopped. Until his nightmares stopped – long after he woke.
“Nobody's going to let him find you,” I whispered. “Don't worry, Kyle. We're here to keep you safe.”
“But don't you see?” Kyle had gone white when at last he spoke. “He will find me. I'm not safe, Neve. I'm going out there every day, putting myself out there, in public. We'll be photographed for magazines, newspapers, press releases, you name it. I'm out there with a big target on my back.” He shivered, growing whiter still. “He'll come after me, again; I know it. He'll come after me again, just like the last time, just like he tried to after he....” He couldn't get the words out. Instead, they devolved into racking, shaking sobs. My heart ached for him. I wanted to be able to wash away all the pain, all the hurt. Knowing that I couldn't do anything was a new kind of torture.
I looked over at Danny and caught his eye. I didn't have to say anything. He got up silently and, tapping Luc on the shoulder, gave him a quick and almost imperceptible nod. The two of them got up and went into the other room of the suite, leaving me and Kyle alone. Band matters could wait. This was more important.
The awkwardness between me and Kyle didn't matter now. All that mattered was that I knew how to comfort him. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him so tight I was afraid I'd break him, trying desperately to make things better the only way I know how. “There, there,” I whispered to him. I stroked his hair and his back with my fingertips, my voice a low whisper. “He won't find you. I'm sure of it. We'll help you. We'll find a way. We'll keep you hidden. You're part of this band, Kyle, and this band is a family. We're your family now. You and I...we talked about having a band together before we even knew what a real band was.”
Kyle's smile was hollow and pale. “Yeah,” he said. “I remember. My seventh birthday party. Your family gave me the first real party I'd ever had – nicer than any day I'd ever had. And your mom got me that little kid's bass....”
Kyle's seventh birthday party. At least five years before we met Steve, Luc, or Geoff. Kyle had been my first real friend, my first real confidante, like a brother to me. Now he was in real trouble, and I knew I couldn't let him down. I had to be there for him. I had to protect him.
“No matter what,” I whispered to him. “You're part of the Never Knights. You'll always be part of the Never Knights. We're your family. No matter what.”
He turned to me, and the love in his eyes was so strong, so palpable, that I felt a twinge of pain. I saw Kyle as a brother – but his love for me would always be so full of need, so full of desire, that I could never satisfy it. Not even now.
He was pressing closer to me, now, holding me tight. It was uncomfortable; he was holding me too tightly; my ribs were constricted, but I didn't care. I was there for him and that was what mattered.
“You were always there for me, Neve. I knew it then. I know it now. And I'm sorry, so sorry, I forgot that for a while...” He pressed closer to me, closer still, his lips clammy against my temple.
“You can wear a hoodie,” I laughed at my own weak attempt at humor. “Cover your face with sunglasses while you're onstage. Nobody will be able to see your face. Or you can wear full stage makeup like the members of KISS. You'll be unrecognizable. You can still perform with us, Kyle.”
“I don't know....” Kyle's voice was shaking so badly that I could barely make out his words. “He was a monster...I can't....” He shuddered. “I was just a kid, Neve, and he killed her right in front of me. And it was my fault, Neve. I was the one he was attacking. I was the one he wanted. She tried to stop him, tried to protect me. But she only got in his way. In the way of his gun...” He was sobbing, now, his voice wracking with deep and hysterical sobs.
I pulled his face into my chest, letting him cry it out as he pressed his face into my breasts. It was the same routine I'd used many times waking Kyle up from his nightmares. He still had nightmares, now. But now they were real.
“You'll have to go into hiding, then,” a deep voice shook Kyle and me out of our reverie. Steve stood in the doorway, his hand bandaged in gauze, his face still a bit bruised and wan. “I came as soon as I heard, Neve. Danny called me.” He swallowed. Hard. “Neve, as much as you and Kyle – as much as all of us, really, want Kyle to keep going with the band, you know as well as I do that having him perform live threatens his safety. He's a target – and we can't have him perform at all these live concerts and gigs with some crazed killer waiting to find him...”
Danny and Luc re-entered the room.
“Neve,” Danny's voice was low as he put a hand on my shoulder. It was a quiet gesture, intended more to get my attention than to express any affection, but it was too much for Kyle. He angrily pushed Danny's hand away, springing to his feet and running his fingers through his long blonde hair as he pushed through us, storming off to the terrace.
I gave Danny a look of warning, and he looked down sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said. “I wasn't thinking.”
I looked out at Kyle on the terrace, my heart sinking further. Poor Kyle, I thought. His life was falling apart. His father was on the loose – the boy he couldn't stand was taking away the girl he loved – the band itself was falling apart. Everything was coming down about our ears.
“Neve,” Steve was struggling to keep his composure. “No matter what happens with me, no matter what happens with Kyle, you have to carry on, do you understand? Get a replacement Get a replacement for me, for Kyle, do whatever you have to do to keep the legacy of the Never Knights going strong. Temporary replacements. For me – until I'm better. For Kyle – if his dad's as crazy as they say, it's only a matter of time before he strikes again, and then he'll be back behind bars.”
“Replace both of you?” The words were hollow, full of shock and dismay.
“It's now or never, Neve, you know that.” Steve said.
“He's right,” Danny looked pained. “It's not just about us, either. Slayton, the venue managers, everyone who put their trust in us – and risked alienating Roni to do it – we can't let them down. They've put themselves out on the line for us. Now it's our turn to deliver.”
“But the CD?”
“Kyle can still play on the CD,” Danny said. “Just not in public, right now. And Steve...we’ll find a way to make it work.”
“Kyle can't leave the band,” I said again. Kyle needed the band. We were the only family he had now, other than his aunt. He needed us.
“I'll look after him,” Steve said, trying to sound brave. “He and I will hang out together and work on writing new songs which you, Luc, Danny, and our temporary replacements can use to kick the butts of all those Dust Bunnies. And Roni herself. She thinks she can sabotage us – send some cronies to smash my hand in the door? I wouldn't be surprised if some RRR money found its way to the judge in the parole hearing, too, knowing her. She's a powerful woman with some friends in high places. You can't let them kick us down like that, Neve. The Never Knights have got to continue on.”
Continue on – but how? Losing one member of the Never Knights was bad enough – but two in one night? My heart sank. How could we ever come back from this?
“We can't let these setbacks get us down,” Luc insisted, his voice harsh, as if he was holding back tears. “We can't let anything get us down. We have to carry on – the Never Knights must carry on, no matter what. Or else everything we've worked for, everything we've worked so hard to achieve, will be for nothing.”
Kyle nodded, his lips trembling. “I understand,” he said. “I understand.”
Danny's voice was low and almost preternaturally calm as he walked over to Kyle, keeping his distance, as careful as if he were approaching a frightened dog. “Then, it's settled?” Danny looked almost wary as he turned to me, then Kyle. “Kyle? Neve?” His eyes were wide and full of pain, full of worry.
Poor Danny. In the midst of all this he was still an outsider, still an interloper. But he'd given up so much. He
'd dropped his whole life, his whole world, his friends and family, his doctorate, his dreams, to become part of the Never Knights and to help us achieve our dreams. He'd changed my world, but that paled in comparison to how I'd changed his. Everything – he'd give up everything .Just for me.
I swallowed hard. Kyle nodded again. “Yes,” he whispered. “That's what we'll do. I'll play on the CD – I won't let the band down like that. But I can't appear in public. Not yet.”
“Let's do this.” I put an arm around Kyle's shoulder and another arm around Steve's. “But I'll miss messing with you both. I'll miss your smug self, Steve.”
He hugged me back in a great bear hung. “Me, too, Neve.” He pulled back and I saw that his eyes had misted over with tears. “Me too.”
Chapter 10
Danny spent all that morning on the phone with Slayton, trying to track down a new bassist to join our new drummer on the earliest flight possible into LA. “Remember, Ricky,” he said, “we're replacing some pretty serious talent here. Don't get us just anybody,” he laughed softly. “Kyle and Luc are both irreplaceable.”
But replace them we had to do – whether we wanted to or not. And while we told ourselves that any replacement would be merely temporary, a stopgap measure until Kyle's dad ended up back in jail, or until Steve's hand healed, the truth was that it felt much more serious than that. Danny Blue had started out as a replacement, after all, and now here he was: the band's front-man. How would we be sure that our replacements didn't end up permanent, somehow? After all, our biggest and most high-profile gigs would be played by the new band members – what if our fans decided they wanted the change to stick? I grimaced at the thought of a Never Knights comprised mostly of strangers. But what else could we do? Kyle and Steve were united in the conviction that a complete Never Knights lineup was more important than anything else, including their pride. We had twenty venues waiting for us to turn up with new songs, high energy, and tons of inspiration. And we couldn't let any of them down.
