by Skye Turner
Grabbing my purse, I race for the front door and as I make it outside, I vomit into the bushes.
I’m not sure how, but I make it back to the dorm and as I open the door, Erik and Lexi both look up from the floor with apprehension on their faces. That’s all it takes to make me break down.
As my knees give out and I curl into a ball, they meet me on the floor, and hold me as I cry more tears than I’d ever thought it was possible to shed.
After about an hour, I think I’m done. I look up and I know they know. Without me saying anything, they know.
Lexi looks at me and whispers, “Oh no, Bradi. Why?”
Erik shakes his head and grits his teeth. “Shit, Bradi. Who?”
I look at both of them and the silent tears start again. “Mack.” I sit up and hug my knees. I hurt all over and I feel disgusting. “It was Mack.”
Erik looks at me incredulously. “Mack? That asshole from the frat? Are you serious, Bradi? What the fuck? Why? How long?” He’s firing off questions so fast, my head hurts.
I can’t answer. I just look at them… and cry.
Lexi takes my hand. “Bradi, your hands are like ice. And I know you’ve never been interested in Mack. So, dear God, why?” She’s rubbing my hands, but I’m so cold.
I shake my head. Then lying down, I realize I was wrong… so wrong. I do have tears left.
A bit later, Erik leaves to check on Micah and Lexi helps me shower. I fall asleep with her in bed with me, just hugging me, as I cry and cry.
Chapter Eight
Erik
Six years ago
I’ve been trying to call Joe a couple of times a day since the cryptic message on Christmas Eve, but to no avail. Either he’s not getting my calls or he’s not answering them. I know something is wrong, but I have no idea what it could be.
He was acting strange a bit before break, but when I asked him, he just said his family is a lot to take in. I was kind of expecting an invitation to head home with him since we’ve been together for a year now, but he never brought it up, so I left it alone.
Thinking back, I realize I don’t know all that much about his family. We never seem to talk about it. I know he has a younger sister named Abbey, who’s studying abroad in England. He adores her, and his parents have been married for thirty years. I know he’s from Alabama and that’s pretty much it. I don’t know what his family does, what he was like before college, or anything else. How did I never realize this before?
School is starting back up in a few days and he should be back today. Micah has been a basket case and I’ve been avoiding Bradi for a week, since I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever happened with them.
Micah is passed out on his bed, drunk again, with three days’ worth of beard on his face. He looks like shit and from talking to Lex, I’ve heard Bradi does too. I can’t help but worry about him. I’m worried about them both.
There’s a party at the frat tonight and he insists that he’s going. I’m going because Joe is supposed to be back and, while I missed him, I think we need to talk. I’m just not certain about what.
Sighing, I start picking up the mess on Micah’s side of the room. Since Bradi left him and then slept with that prick Mack, he doesn’t seem to care about anything. I just wish I knew what went wrong.
Once the room is straight again, I decide to head down to see Bradi and try to get some answers. This is not ok and when my best friends are no longer talking, well, I don’t like being in the middle of this shit. I’m not taking no for an answer today and I’ve been avoiding her long enough.
I’m grabbing my room key and wallet and am about to head out the door when my computer pings. It’s Joe. Guess he’s back. “Hey, Erik. I’m at the house. Are you coming by tonight? I missed you and I have to talk to you. I hope you’re coming. I do love you.”
He missed me? Well then how hard is it to return a call or send a quick message? Oh, we have to talk alright and he’s going to tell me what the hell is going on. I am not putting up with bullshit.
Micah stirs. “Is that Joe?”
I look over my shoulder at him and take him in. “Yeah. He’s back and wants to talk.” Pointing at him, I say, “You need to get the fuck up and shower. You reek! Shave too. You look like shit.”
He flips me off and rolls over muttering into his pillow, “Yes, Mom. You’d look like shit too if the person you loved fucking ripped out your heart, threw it into glass shards, and danced on it with fucking heels.” He notices I’m leaving. “Where are you going?”
Sighing, I face the door and brace myself as I say, “To talk to Bradi and Lexi.”
I hear his quick intake of breath. Then, cussing, and something breaks. I don’t turn around, but walk to the door and as I open it, I growl out, “Clean up whatever the fuck you just broke, dude. I’m not a maid and I have to live here, too. And either wallow or get the fuck up and shower. But for the love of God, do something!” The door slams with my exit.
I walk down to the girl’s room and knock. Lexi opens it and with a sad smile, gestures me inside. Bradi is sitting at the vanity and applying make-up. She looks semi-normal. But, I notice the circles under her eyes and it seems as if she’s lost weight. Her eyes meet mine in the mirror. I smile and she smiles weakly back, before picking up her blush.
Whispering to Lexi, I nod towards Bradi. “How’s she doing?”
Bradi looks up and says, “I can hear you. And I’m fine.”
My brows rise and I walk behind her and rest my hands on her shoulders as I stare at her pale, drawn face in the mirror.
She holds my gaze. I see some of her old fire. “Ready to tell me what happened?”
Sighing, she puts the make-up down, looks at her lap, and finally, she tells us everything. Everything. My knuckles go white from clenching my fists so tight, but I don’t speak, and just let her talk.
When she’s done, tears are running down her face again. Lexi hugs her and I hug them both. We all look at each other in the mirror.
Separating myself from them, I lean down and turn Bradi to face me. We’re eye level. I want to make sure she hears what I’m about to say. Her red-rimmed eyes search my face.
Clearing my throat, I start, “He was wrong, Bradi. Dead wrong. You shouldn’t have run away. He won. And then you cheated on Micah. He’s a fucking disaster and you’re no better. Why would you throw something that perfect away because of some insignificant little man?!” Her eyes fill and I wipe the tears with my thumbs as they trail down her cheeks. “What you and Micah had was real. His uncle doesn’t know what love is, and you allowed him to take that gift away from you. You allowed him to victimize you, but worse than that, you victimized yourself. You convinced yourself that you aren’t good enough and you played right into his hands. You’re better than this.”
She sobs and swallows. Finally she speaks. “I love him. With everything in me, I love him. But I killed that. I didn’t- I didn’t cheat. We weren’t together, but I betrayed him, and I did it knowing he’d find out. I didn’t think he’d see, but I knew he’d find out. I did that. I killed our love…”
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead. “You didn’t kill it. It’s still there. It’s buried beneath pain and heartache on both sides, but it’s there. If it wasn’t, neither of you would be like this.” Standing up, I tell both of them, “There’s a party tonight at the frat. Micah is going. I’m going too, because Joe is back and we have some things to discuss. You both should come. You need to talk to him. He may listen, he may not, but you need to at least try. If you continue running, Bradi, you’re never going to forgive yourself.”
They nod and agree to come. As I walk out the door, I hear Bradi ask Lexi, “What if he can’t forgive me?”
I don’t hear Lexi’s reply. Heading back to my room, I decide not to tell Micah that Bradi will be there tonight, just in case she doesn’t show.
Four hours later, I’m dabbing on cologne and we’re about to head out the door. I have a sick feeling in my stomach,
so I’m mentally preparing myself for what’s going to happen tonight.
We get to the frat and the party is already spilling onto the lawn. Telling Micah I’m going to find Joe, I leave him and head into the house. Joe is not in the main part of the house, so I head up to his room. As I get to the door, I wipe my palms down the front of my jeans, and knock. I already know this is going to be bad, but it’s now or never.
He opens the door and he smiles when he sees me, but his face looks strained. He pulls me into the room by the hands and locks the door. Then he’s on me. Pressing me back against the door, he’s kissing me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear at any minute. Teeth are clashing and hands are everywhere. He’s frantic. Eventually, I break the kiss, and pull back to try to catch my breath. He kisses my mouth softly and whispers against my lips, “I’m sorry. I missed you so much.”
Walking me over to the bed, he sits and gestures for me to sit beside him. I do and I wait.
After staring at each other for what seems like hours, but is probably only a minute, he swallows and tries to speak. No words come out, so he tries again. Still nothing.
I decide to take control. Looking at him, I flatly ask, “What happened, Joe? Did you cheat on me while you were home?”
He reaches for my hands but I move them, and sit on them so I won’t touch him. He sighs and starts to talk. “Yes.” I jump up and move away from the bed. He stops me with his hands and his eyes are pleading with me. “Stop. Just listen, Erik. Please.”
I stop and lean against the door, clenching my hands so tightly my nails break the skin of my palm.
He cheated on me. He pursued me and made me take a chance. Made me love him and he cheated on me. And now I’m supposed to just listen?!
Grabbing my neck, I squeeze, and grit out, “Go ahead. You have five minutes and then I’m walking out the door.”
He calls my name softly and it’s filled with pain. “Erik… It’s not what you think. It’s not what you’re thinking.”
Laughing harshly, I say, “Not what I’m thinking?! Cheating is cheating. And now you have four minutes, so, if you want me to listen, start talking!”
His voice cracks, but he starts. “I’ve always known I was gay, Erik. Always. I’ve always been attracted to men, but where I’m from, well it’s not socially acceptable. It’s still not really mainstream.”
My eyes bug out and I stare at him like he’s insane.
“I came to LSU because it wasn’t Alabama and I got to be me. Then, I met you. You captivated me. You were gorgeous and sincere and you were so intoxicating… I couldn’t resist. I messed around before you, but I never wanted anything serious. Anything permanent… until you. I love you.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. Is he telling me he loves me and then telling me he cheated on me?! Sorry bub, not buying it.
His eyes are full of pain, but I don’t say a word, I just clench my jaw and stare at him. So, he starts back. “I have a girlfriend… at home. I- I’ve had a girlfriend for five years…”
My knees give out at this statement. I slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor. I look at him in horror. “A girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?”
Tears are rolling down his face as he nods. “Yes, I have a girlfriend. Phoebe. She’s great. And sweet and innocent. Over the holidays, we spent a lot of time together. We… I… she’s what’s expected of me and I do love her.”
I can’t take it. I just want him to spit it out. Cutting him off with a rude gesture, I stand back up. “Out with it, Joe. Get out what it is you’re trying to say.”
He looks at me, and I see the confusion on his face, but I don’t care. He speaks again. I can barely hear him over the roaring in my ears and the buzzing in my head. I know what he’s going to say. And then he says it. “I asked her to marry me. We’re engaged, Erik. I’m sorry.”
Walking over to him, I lean down and pull him up so he’s also standing. He’s just looking at me, defeated. I want to punch him, but I won’t. As my heart crumbles into pieces on the floor, I look at the first man who ever made me love him, and I say with finality, “I don’t think you know what love is, Joe. You used two people for your own selfish gain. She loves you and I love you. You made me love you. You pushed and pushed, like you had the right… but, fuck you, that’s over now. We’re over now. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think you could have us both? Does she know about me?”
Shaking his head, he says, “No. She doesn’t. She wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
Laughing again, I mutter as I walk to the door. “You’re pathetic and she deserves to know. If you’re going to marry this girl, and since you love her, she deserves to know! You’re dead to me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t contact me. Don’t even let me see you look at me. Because, from this moment forward… you do not exist.” Grabbing the door and wrenching it open, I stumble into the hall. As it’s closing, I hear Joe whisper, “I’m sorry, Erik.”
Sorry doesn’t cut it, Joe.
Forgetting all about the girls and Micah, I make it back to the dorms, find Micah’s liquor, and get completely wasted.
First love… fuck it.
I pass out.
Chapter Nine
Bradi
Six years ago
Lexi drags me to the frat party, even though I really don’t want to be here. The last time I was here, I screwed a guy I detested on the couch, and the man I loved walked in and saw it. Yeah, I don’t want to be here.
Bradi, you’re disgusting. You’re worse than your mother. At least she never intentionally hurt anyone. But then again, she was smart enough after that asshole not to ever fall in love again.
He hates me. I know he hates me. I hate me. What the fuck am I doing here? I can’t do this.
Lexi, in true Lexi form, knows what I’m thinking and she takes my hand and wraps her fingers around mine. “I’m here, Bradi. Right beside you. You need to do this.”
Looking at her with terror in my eyes, I try not to cry. I’ve cried enough. “Lexi, he hates me and he has every right to. I hate me, too. I don’t know why I’m here. He won’t forgive me.”
Smiling sadly, she says, “Love is weird like that, girl. Even when you know you should hate someone, it’s not really up to you. It’s up to your heart and the head and heart can disagree.”
She’s right. I love him. Maybe he hates me, but I love him and I have to try to explain. He might still walk away, but if I don’t talk to him, I’ll never get over this. It’s crunch time.
Straightening my shirt, I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and push the door open. We’re immediately greeted with loud music, shouts, and the smell of sweat and stale beer. My stomach revolts.
Glancing around the living room, I quickly look over towards the couch. It’s occupied and people are making out and some guys are playing the PlayStation, but no Micah. My back goes ramrod straight as I see Mack by the kitchen. He sees me and winks. I ignore him as Lexi and I make a quick pass by to see if Micah is near the alcohol. He’s not, but as we walk back out of the kitchen, Mack walks up and leans into me. I pull my body back. Lexi steps in between us and shoves his chest. He looks at me and leers. “Back for seconds?”
Rolling my eyes, I gag. “No thanks. The first time wasn’t very memorable. I’ll pass.”
He throws his head back and laughs. “Really? You weren’t saying that while I was fucking you on the couch.”
The urge to slap him is overwhelming and I have to dig my nails into my palms to stop it. He checks both of us out and my stomach recoils. “How about a twofer? I’ll let you both come play.”
I step back, but Lexi gets right in his face as she reaches down and grabs his crotch. He groans and she smiles into his face as she squeezes. He’s trying desperately to get away, but she’s not letting go. “You’re disgusting. If you ever talk to me or Bradi like that again, I’ll make sure this thing is never used again. You feel me, Mack?”
He gasps out. “Fuck, let go, Red. You’re crushing
my balls. Please let go. Yes, I get it.” She lets go and he turns away and starts to limp. We barely hear “Psychotic bitch,” over the music.
She calls out, “Hey, Mack, where’s Micah?”
He doesn’t turn around, but says over the music, “Outside last time I saw him,” and disappears down the hall.
I’m staring at Lexi in awe. Where did that come from?
She sees me staring and shrugs. “What?”
“Um, what the hell was that? Since when do you try to maim jerks?” I can’t help it. I’m smiling ear to ear. Lexi was brutal.
Her face turns bright red and she mumbles, “I don’t know. I just reacted. He pissed me off. He insulted you… and me. Besides, it was something you would normally do.” She chuckles. “You’re a bad influence on me.”
Throwing my arm around her and hugging her tight, I whisper, “I love you, girl.”
She smiles back and says, “Love you, too. Now, let’s go find Micah. You ready?”
My palms start sweating again and my stomach is still rolling. I whisper, “No. But let’s go anyway.” Then I swipe a shot out of the hands of a guy walking out of the kitchen and shoot it. It’s like diesel and I cough as my eyes water. He says, “Hey, that was mine!” Winking at him, I blow him a kiss and say, “Well, now it’s mine. Thanks!” Grabbing Lexi’s hand, we head for the backyard.
The only people on the porch are a couple and they are hot and heavy. My eyes do a quick scan of the yard and I let out a mewl when I see the back corner. I can see two people on the swing and whoever they are, the girl is on top of the guy. I don’t even realize what I’m doing, but I start walking towards the swing. It’s not him. It’s not Micah. It’s someone else. It’s not Micah with a girl. As we get closer, I can see that the girl is one of the girls who hangs around the house a lot, always hooking up with the guys, and as the guy moves his head, I see dark hair, and then chocolate brown eyes are staring into my wide green ones.
