by Lexi Aurora
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes,” she said. I looked down at Ivy.
“Ivy, do you want to go play upstairs for a few minutes while I talk to Corina?”
“Will I get two scoops of ice cream?” she asked. I laughed, ruffling her hair.
“Sure,” I said to her. She beamed, then ran upstairs to her playroom. Corina looked at me with her hands on her hips.
“What exactly did you do to that girl?”
“Corina—”
“I saw her when she left. She was heartbroken. She’s a sweet girl, Jack.”
“She’s a wonderful woman. Trust me. I know. And I lost her.”
“What happened?” she asked, her voice gentle. “Tell me about it.”
I looked at her. Corina and I had always had a special relationship. She had been our housekeeper since before Ivy was born, and she was just like family to me. She had always been a comforting presence and I knew that I could talk to her about anything. I sighed.
“We got close. I—I fell in love with her. I am in love with her. But she doesn’t trust me, not after seeing Rebecca.”
“Did Rebecca tell her something?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t know. Maybe. I didn’t hear her.”
“Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding,” Corina said. “Can you talk to her?”
I shook my head. “She isn’t answering my calls. I left her a voicemail, but I don’t even know if she’ll listen to it.”
“What did you say?” Corina asked.
“I told her I loved her. That I will always love her,” I said. Corina nodded, putting her hand to my cheek.
“You’re a good boy, Jack. She’ll come around. I can see it in that girl’s eyes when she looks at you—she’s in love.”
Those words filled me with a slight hope, though I knew I shouldn’t have any. I had no idea where Lauren was going or what she was going to do. For all I knew, she was planning to move back to the city. The only thing she had said in her goodbye note was that she loved and would miss Ivy, along with her email address so that Ivy could get ahold of her if she wanted to.
“I hope you’re right. I hope there’s a way I can get her back,” I said.
“Be patient,” she said, and I nodded, then went upstairs to fetch Ivy. I hoped that things would work out but I felt ultimately hopeless thinking about the angry look in my eyes, consumed with doubt that I would even ever see her again.
Chapter 17: Lauren
I managed to find an apartment in the next town over from Garner, close enough to where I could see Sam but not too close to Jack that I might be tempted to see him again. I had spent a few weeks in Garner after I’d left him and felt like I was always on the look-out to make sure that he was nowhere near. I didn’t think I could handle seeing him in person, though I was admittedly tempted to go into his restaurant every time I walked by. I had been constantly torn between my desire to see him and my desperation not to, and moving a town away made me feel more secure in the idea that I could move on from Jack once and for all.
I woke up one morning aching, my back feeling stressed out and sore as I climbed out of bed. The act of standing made me feel dizzy, and I was forced to sit down on my bed to catch my bearings before I could get up again. My stomach started to churn suddenly, and within an instant my mouth felt heavy. I ran to the bathroom, heaving over the toilet. It was the third morning in a row that I had been sick and I knew what that could mean, but I refused to think about it, instead throwing myself into my work. I had gotten several students with Sam’s help, and was starting to make good money traveling back and forth between Garner to teach music lessons and visit with my friend. Each time, I even avoided the block leading to Jack’s restaurant.
It was a few days later that my worst fears were nearly confirmed—the day for my period to start came and went, and I remembered vividly the last time I’d had sex with Jack, how we had been so caught up in the moment that we hadn’t used a condom. He had come inside me, and it had felt so good that I hadn’t worried about it in the moment.
I went to the doctor, who confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant, and my life was completely going to change. Even though I had predicted it, I felt frozen when the doctor told me the news and congratulated me. I couldn’t speak for a long moment, and was still silent as I drove home. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my body, knowing how it was going to change soon. There was no doubt that I was going to keep this baby, which meant that I would have to raise it alone without a father.
I took a deep breath, wanting to call Sam. I pulled out my phone, but for some reason, I found myself calling my mother instead. She picked up the phone, her voice sounding familiar and warm despite what had happened the last time I’d seen her when I’d walked out on both of my parents.
“Hi, baby,” my mom said, and something within me melted.
“Hi, Mommy,” I said in a small voice. Just hearing her on the other end of the line made me feel like a kid all over again.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. I should have known that she would sense something wrong in my voice. It didn’t matter how distant we’d become, she was my mother, and she knew me better than anyone. I needed the comfort that she could offer me, especially now that I was going to be a mother myself.
“I’m pregnant,” I said to her. There was a pause.
“Is it Jack’s?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry, Mom—I just—I fell in love with him.”
“Oh,” she said. “Oh, baby.”
“It’s over now. I just found out today about the baby. I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you told Jack?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think I’m going to.”
“Honey, you have to tell him that you’re pregnant,” she said. “You’ll need help. Child support. And you know that a child needs a father.”
“I know,” I said miserably. “But I can’t be with Jack. He’s not the kind of guy you settle down with. This whole thing was a huge mistake—I should have listened to you and Dad.”
“You can’t help falling in love, honey,” my mother said. “I think you should tell him.”
“No,” I said, making up my mind. “No, I can’t see Jack again.”
“But—”
“Mom, it’s just too painful. I fell in love with him. If I’m going to get over him, I need to never see him again. I can do this by myself.”
“I know you’re strong,” said my mother. “And I believe you. But I think you should consider telling him.”
I didn’t say anything to that. When I didn’t speak, she cleared her throat.
“Listen, sweetie, I’d better go. Do you need anything else?”
“No,” I said dully. I felt empty inside, blank. I told her goodbye and hung up the phone, sitting back on the couch. I felt lonelier than ever, but I knew that I would have to get over it if I was going to dedicate all of my energy to raising a child.
Chapter 18: Lauren
A few months went by and my body started changing. My pregnancy still wasn’t really showing—I had a small roundness to my belly, one that could only be noticed when naked. I was grateful—I wanted to hide my pregnancy as long as possible, keep it low-key in order to avoid as much as possible any questions as to who the father might be and whether or not I was still with him. I still thought about Jack all the time and was finding it impossible not to, despite the fact that I had hoped things would get better as time passed. It seemed like no amount of time was going to make things better, but I pushed forward, knowing I had to keep it together if I was going to be a mother.
I kept seeing music students and my client base grew. I felt confident that I didn’t need Jack’s money to raise the baby, though I knew there was no way to fix the fact that my child would grow up without a father. I would just have to do my best to make up for the absence—I had no desire to date again and wasn’t interested in men. Since
I’d gotten pregnant, it seemed like more of them were interested, and it was irritating to have to deflect their attention without finding myself longing for the type of attraction that had existed between Jack and myself.
I WAS SITTING AT MY computer when a notification popped up. My heart skipped when I saw that it was Jack’s email address. I moved the mouse, the cursor hovering over the ‘trash’ icon. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to do it, though. The curiosity was overwhelming. I steeled myself for the onslaught of feelings that I knew would come with reading any words he’d written, but what I found there wasn’t what I thought it was.
Dear Lauren,
This is Corina writing a letter for Ivy. Hi, Lauren. I want you to come to my play. I am going to be a daisy. My daddy will be on a trip and there is nobody here to see my play. I wanted you to see it. Please come. I love you, Lauren.
I felt a twinge in my chest reading the words and read them again. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Ivy before I’d gotten the email. The feeling was one that had been pervasive but I knew I needed to push it away. Losing Ivy had felt a little like I had lost my own daughter, and it was a pain that I couldn’t bear to suffer any longer. I pressed it down as much as I could in general, but it all came flooding back to me when I picture Ivy in her little daisy costume, a bright smile on her face.
I then thought about Jack. It was good to know he wasn’t going to be at the play, but at the same time, it was somewhat disappointing to know that I wouldn’t run into him. Sometimes I found myself craving just a moment to look at his face again, to see his smile and know that I had caused it.
I decided that I would go to the play. I wanted to see Ivy, and there was no way I could tell her ‘no’ even if I wanted to.
Dear Ivy,
Of course I’ll come to your play. I wouldn’t miss it! I love you too. I’ll see you soon.
I sent the email, pleased to receive one back right away with the date and time of the play. It was just coming up this weekend, and I hoped that was enough time to prepare myself to see Ivy knowing that it would only be a little while before she disappeared from my life again. I would hide the pregnancy in case Corina was there—the last thing I needed was for them to know and report it to Jack. I knew that if Jack asked, there was no way I would be able to keep his child from him, so it was better if he never knew about the baby in the first place.
I showed up to the play early and smiled when I saw Corina sitting in the middle row, fanning herself with a program. I joined her and she smiled at me brightly, hugging me tight. I hoped she didn’t notice that I’d gained a little weight. I wore a baggy sweater over a pair of leggings that I knew would hide the slight bump that was my belly. Still, I was nervous, especially when she pulled back and seemed to study me for a long moment. I knew that I didn’t look well—I had been so stressed about the pregnancy and the thought of raising this baby alone that I hadn’t been sleeping well at all, and lately it had been hard to keep food down without getting sick. Pregnancy was making me miserable, but what was making me even more miserable was the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack and remembering how he’d been with Ivy, what a good father he would be to my child if only we could make it work.
“How are you?” she asked, frowning at me. She didn’t look suspicious, nor did she look down at my belly, and I felt relief pass through me. The only person I had to fool after that was Ivy, and then I would be off and free to have my baby in private. “You look tired.”
“I’m pretty worn out,” I said to her, trying not to meet her eye. It was hard to keep things from Corina, who reminded me of my mother in her better moments – kind, warm, and soft. “I’ve been taking on a lot of students.”
“For music?” she asked. I nodded.
“Ivy misses you,” she said. “She talks about you all the time.”
I swallowed, unable to respond to that. It killed me to know that Ivy was still in pain from when I’d left her. I had hoped by now that the little girl would have moved on for the most part, hopefully finding a new nanny that she would like at least as well as she’d liked me. That didn’t seem to be the case, and it made me feel overcome with sadness.
The lights went dim then and the music started. Little girls dressed like daisies poured out from either side of the stage, dancing as they went. I kept my eyes out for Ivy, and when she found me in the crowd, she started to jump up and down, and wave.
“Hi, Lauren!” she cried. The audience laughed at her outburst and I waved back to her, nearly in tears. I had missed her so much, and just seeing her face again was making me emotional.
The girls started to sing and perform, and I delighted in watching Ivy light up the stage with her dazzling personality. I heard the gym door open in the back and everybody turned around. My heart stopped when I saw that it was Jack hurrying in. His eye caught mine as he took his seat and a look of surprise passed over his features. I couldn’t look away from him for a moment, caught up in just the sight of his face. He started to wave at me and I quickly looked away and back up front, my heart racing. All I could think about was going to him, throwing myself against him so that he would wrap his arms around me. But I couldn’t do that. I sat nervously on the edge of my seat, waiting for the play to be over. As soon as the lights went on, I jumped up and rushed out of the gymnasium, right past Jack as he tried to call for me.
Chapter 19: Jack
M ost of the audience pushed forward to the stage to see their little ones. It was hard to get past them. I fought my way through the crowd in the direction of the parking lot, knowing that Corina would go to Ivy straight away and hold onto her until I came back inside. I managed to get through the crowd, pushing my way out of the school. I rushed out into the parking lot, looking around frantically before I spotted Lauren and dashed after her.
“Lauren,” I called, jogging to catch up with her. She kept walking, not looking at me even as I started to walk beside her. I took her arm gently, stopping her from walking.
“Please, Lauren,” I said to her. “Please just talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” she said stiffly, trying to keep her voice cold. I could see the emotion in her eyes, though, threatening to break to the surface. “I just want to go home.”
“I just want to have a conversation with you,” I said to her, desperate. “I know you’re upset—”
“I’m not upset. I’m perfectly rational. I don’t want anything to do with you,” she said, and stepping past me, started off in the direction of her car. I blocked her off and she stood there, staring up at me with an angry look of desire on her face.
“I don’t believe you,” I said to her. “Lauren, I can see in your eyes how you feel about me.”
“I don’t—” she cut herself off, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared up at my face. “I don’t have feelings for you, Jack. It was just a fling. It was just a short, brief, meaningless thing.”
The words stung when she said them. Our time together had been one of the best times of my life, better than any day that I’d had with my ex-wife. Everything had been peaceful, and felt so natural when we were together. I gaped at her, drinking in her appearance for the first time. She looked tired, dark circles around her eyes. She had gained a little weight that looked good on her and was wearing baggy clothing, something she had never done before.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. There was something wrong, I could tell. She looked almost sick, pale and worn out. “Are you healthy?”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s none of your business,” she said, and started to turn away again.
“Please just come inside and say hello to Ivy,” I said. I said it out of desperation to keep her around for just a few more minutes, even if she was upset with me, insisting that we meant nothing. I could see love in her eyes as bright as I knew it showed in my own. I knew there had to be some way to break through her wall but I didn’t know how, I only knew that I was absolutely desperate to try.
/>
She stared at me, then sighed.
“I promise I won’t bother you again after you’ve see her,” I said. “Please. She’d be heartbroken if you didn’t say hello.”
“Okay,” she said. “But just for a minute.”
“Okay,” I agreed, though it broke me to do so. She started toward the gym and as I turned to follow her, I glanced in her car. I did a double-take when I saw the pamphlets in the passenger seat, all about pregnancy and newborns. The news hit me like a brick and my mouth dropped open in shock. It was something I knew I should have put together from her appearance but I didn’t even think of it. Suddenly, I remembered the last time we’d had sex. We hadn’t used a condom but I hadn’t thought anything of it, only the desperate desire to come inside her and claim her as mine.
“Lauren,” I called after her. She turned around to look at me and I caught up with her. “Are you pregnant?”
She gave me a dry look. “You said you wouldn’t bother me after I said hello to Ivy.”
“But—”
She cut me off by walking away into the gym. I stared after her for a moment, unsure of what to do or say, then followed her in with determination. I was going to get her back, build our family together no matter what.
Chapter 20: Lauren
I went inside, my heart pounding. Jack knew that I was pregnant now—there was no denying it. And I knew what type of man he was; there was no way he was just going to let this go, not without taking responsibility for his own child.
I saw Ivy from across the room and she ran to me, flinging herself into my arms. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, hugging her small body against mine. She was dressed like a daisy and covered in glitter, and I didn’t care that she’d gotten it on me. I felt as light as a cloud when I was hugging her, like I was finally reunited with my own daughter.
I looked up to see Jack hurrying through the gym, crossing the room and stepping onstage. I stared at him as the room went quiet and looked up at him expectantly, waiting for him to speak.
