As I make my way to my car, I can’t help but think about how fucked up it is that Dash Martin seems happier than I do. Dude forever wore a scowl growing up. How is it possible that I’m the miserable one now? Jesus, why did I have to get out of bed this morning? Why can’t my life just go back to normal? Back to the making-motions schedule I’m used to: eat, sleep, feel sorry for myself and most importantly shut the rest of the world out.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Luke
I don’t recognize the car sitting out in front of the house and I immediately go into defensive mode. I clutch my six pack under my arm and quietly open and close my door. After countless runs-ins with punk ass Avery Chase, I’ve learned to creep instead of simply arrive home. I’ve made a habit of parking on the street and waiting it out for a few minutes before making a beeline to the safety of my own space.
No matter how many black eyes I’ve given him, the bastard can’t seem to stay away. Forever blaming me for the number my father did on his cousin Sarah. Ross and I have dealt with the backlash of her drug-related death for years, but being banned from the Chase’s burger joint in town and being attacked outside of my own home are two different things. Calling the authorities never did much. The assholes didn’t even show up. I guess, since I have a criminal record, they think I deserve it. This whole fucking town thinks I do.
The sun has already set, so sneaking up the left side of the yard that’s shrouded in overgrown rose bushes isn’t a problem. On days like today, when I’ve pretty much had shit rain down on me, I’d normally just slip through the back door and call it night. But whoever the hell this is had nerve enough to park in my driveway and it’s not exactly rubbing me the right way.
I continue my way up the broken asphalt, pausing for a second before moving swiftly to the driver’s side window.
The man sitting there starts, his hand gripping the steering wheel, eyes wide.
“What do you want?” I grit my teeth as my free hand balls into a fist.
He quickly rolls down the window and in the next few seconds we stare at each other as recognition bubbles to the surface.
“Doctor Chambers?”
He nods, then clears his throat. “I—I’m sorry to just show up like this. I wasn’t sure…I needed to know…”
It suddenly feels like my insides have flipped over. “Is my mom okay? What happened?”
He shakes his head, his hand still gripping the wheel. “Yes, she’s fine, Luke. Well, she’s not exactly fine. Still unconscious. Still…deteriorating. I just wanted to speak with you. I tried calling but there was no answer.”
“Oh.” My heart rate slows a bit and I nod in response. “I was out for the day. Visited her earlier, then needed to get out of the city for a while. Went for a drive.” I frown. “How did you know where I live?” Then put up a hand. “From my mom. Never mind makes sense. What did you want to talk about?”
He nods toward the passenger’s seat. “Why don’t you get in?”
I settle in next to him, holding my beer on the seat between my legs.
“Sorry to come over here like this,” he begins. He runs his hand through his coifed brown hair, then rubs his stubbled chin. “I’ve just been really concerned about the process of keeping her on life support…if we should need to. Have you had any luck filing those papers?”
I clear my throat, and squeeze the bridge of my nose. “I tried, doc. I really did, but when I went to the courthouse, all I got was the runaround. I even tried to talk to my dad, but…things are really bad between us. He wouldn’t budge.”
Doctor Chambers mutters something under his breath then passes his hand over his face before letting out a heavy sigh and leaning his head back against the rest. “Your father’s a real bastard,” he says, his tone tense, like he’s doing his best to hold back. “Always has been.”
I scoff. “Agreed.”
He stares out the windshield toward the house and I can’t stop myself from asking. “What’s the deal, doc? You can’t be this invested in all your patients.”
A small, tired smile creeps onto his face and he angles his head to face me. “I’m not. But Ellie isn’t just any patient.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of patient is she?”
He sighs, his gaze shifting back to the windshield. “The kind I never wanted to have.”
“You said back at the hospital that day you’d known her forever. How long is forever?”
“Since we were babies. Grew up in Ekalaka together. Neighbors for sixteen years.”
“My mom said she’s from Seattle.”
He laughs to himself. “I’ll bet she did. Always wanted to be anything but a small town Montana girl. Ekalaka’s as small as you get. An everyone-knows-everyone kind of town. And when you had parents like Ellie did—a gambling mother and a drunk father—everyone tended to talk. She couldn’t wait to get out of there. First chance she got, she took it. Her grandma agreed to take her in in exchange for her doing some work on the family farm in Sagle. I thought it was a terrible idea. But it’s not like your Mom’s one to listen—or get her hands dirty.” He laughs.
I chuckle. “No kidding.”
“Was gone out of my life in a flash. Next thing I hear she’s fallen in love with a musician who did nothing but ruin her life.”
He clamps his mouth shut, turning back to face me. “No offense.”
“You haven’t said anything that isn’t true.” I scratch my head. “So you and my mom were friends.”
“We were more than friends.” He lowers his voice, his gaze dropping. “Much more.”
“You were in love with her?”
“Still am. Reuniting with her a few years back was pretty much a miracle I never saw coming. And this? Well, I never saw this coming either. Just when I get her back.” He sighs. “I’ve been a doctor for twenty-five years and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to save a life so bad.”
The guy looks like he’s really been through the wringer and I know how it feels. For a second, I consider inviting him in but quickly come to my senses. Instead, I reach into the paper bag between my legs and pull out a beer, handing it to him.
“Look like you could use one of these.”
He stares at it for a moment then closes his hand around the neck of the bottle. “Thanks,” he murmurs.
We sit there in his car, the only sound between us the whoosh of the air conditioning and the swish of our beers. After a few moments, I say, “I’m sorry.”
Doctor Chambers turns to face me, his tired blue eyes searching my face for an explanation.
“About my mom,” I continue. “I know how hard it is to loose someone you care about. I can’t imagine having to watch it happen.”
He smiles slightly. “Me too, son. I’m sorry too.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Coco
There are millions of guys in the world. Why did I have to fall for the one that doesn’t know how to love me properly? Why, after everything he’s put me through, can’t I resist going back for more?
I sit at the otherwise empty table, staring at Dash’s place setting. He was supposed to be here almost two hours ago. The food’s already cold and I’ve been eying that wine on the cupboard for the past twenty minutes.
Seven days. Thanks to the antibiotics Doctor Schumacher gave me, that’s how long I have to wait before I can have another drink. I can’t have sex either. I can imagine how well that’ll go over with Dash. But once he hears my reasoning, I guess he’ll have no choice but to understand.
I should just pack everything up and head home for the night. He’s the one who stood me up after all. I wouldn’t even owe him an explanation. He likely forgot all about me anyway. I huff, and turn my back on the bottle of wine.
I know exactly why I’m still here. Why I put up with this same situation, time after time. Because that’s just it. I am in love. And he might be the wrong guy, he probably is, but I can’t help myself. And it’s not his fault. Not entirely. No one taught Dash how to love. His m
other was a nightmare and he spent most of his life fending for himself.
Besides, we’ve been together for so long and now that we know each other through and through it’s like taking the training wheels off for the first time. We’re bound to crash every once in a while. And when I decided to seriously date a musician I knew what I was signing up for. Like Doctor Schumacher said, he may not have even known he had an STD. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. It just means he’s been around. I already knew that.
Picking up my fork, I stab it into a piece of diced tomato and bring it to my mouth. I swallow it like it’s cardboard and release a forceful breath, leaning my head back. The conversation with Doctor Schumacher is still heavy on my mind.
What if it is serious? What if it does affect my chances of having children? What if I never get to be a mother?
I close my eyes and a take a few deep breaths, doing my best to calm myself. Nothing’s for sure yet. She said there’s only a possibility. It’s not definite. I might still be able to—
The door to Dash’s condo swings open and he lumbers in, practically slamming the door behind him. He seems startled to see me at first, but as his gaze lingers over the set table his furrowed brow releases and he places a hand on his head.
“Oh, shit, babe. I forgot. You been here long?”
I want to rip into him. To tell him, I’ve been sitting here so long I considered leaving. To ask him how the hell he can forget about a date we made just a few hours ago, but I keep my mouth closed. We’ve got enough of a difficult conversation in our very near futures.
I shake my head. “It’s fine. I’ll just warm this up. You okay?”
“Ryan got stuck at home with his wife, some family dinner and that Moscow kid was total shit on the bass. Waste of my damn time. Shot a few rounds at Alley’s, had a couple beers. Just wanted to wait for them to pass through before I headed back out on the road. I know how much you hate it when I drive after I’ve had a few.” He kisses me on top of my head and glances over the table. “What are those? Onion rings?”
“Calamari.” I swat at him and nod toward the bathroom. “Wash your hands while I get the food ready.” Then just to prepare myself and ensure I don’t chicken out, I add, “There’s something important I need to talk to you about.”
I swallow back a few sips of water, desperately wishing it was wine. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through an entire week without even one drink.
“What’s your deal?” Dash asks. “You’re acting weird.”
I clear my throat and shrug. I don’t know why I shrug. Usually when I want to deflect, I just lie through my teeth and say “nothing”. But this is hardly nothing, and I can’t deflect. I just have to come out with it.
I take bite of calamari, chewing slowly as I sort through the jumble of words in my head. The situation shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is. How are you supposed to tell your boyfriend you have an STD without wanting to be swallowed up by a hole afterwards? Doctor Schumacher mentioned it should be easy if only a little uncomfortable. I’m not the one who’s passing it around. That’s impossible. He gave it to me. All I need to do is tell him to get tested. Then we can move on like nothing ever happened. That is if this conversation goes the way I hope it will.
I take another sip of water, then a deep breath and lean forward slightly. “Remember three summers ago?”
Dash laughs. “I barely remember last summer, babe.”
I sigh. “You were on tour with the band. You wanted me to come to California with you but I was articling at that firm in Manhattan.”
Dash sneers. “And you left me alone for the entire summer. Going to those damn black tie events like a stuck up New Yorker.”
I fight the urge to defend myself and continue on, stating, “At least you had the band. And a few parties of your own.”
He shrugs and stabs a piece of steak with his fork, staring at it and twirling it around before shoving it in his mouth. “What about a three summers ago?”
He knows what I’m getting at, but he also isn’t about to say it out loud, so I save him the trouble.
I pick up another squid ring and, in a small voice, I say, “You cheated.”
Dash’s green eyes flicker then darken. “Why do you have to bring that up? We worked through this. Didn’t we?”
I nod, unable to look at anything but the pile of o’s on my plate, which I suddenly wish would transform into that coveted sink hole.
His fork clatters against his plate and the chair screeches against the floor as he scoots in closer. The table shakes when he leans in toward me. “Are you cheating on me? Is that what this is about? Why you don’t want to move in here?”
“No.” I shake my head and sigh. “It’s…this is all so complicated. I didn’t know how else to bring it up.”
“What, Coco? What’s so complicated?”
“I thought I was pregnant,” I blurt out. “But I wasn’t,” I add quickly.
Dash’s frown deepens at first, then his eyes go wide and he palms the top of his head. “Holy shit,” he says with a smile.
I smile back. “I know. Can you imagine? A little me, a little you. A little both of us.” I bite my lip, relieved the conversation has lightened some.
“But you’re not, right?”
I shake my head. “False alarm.”
Dash retrieves his fork, stabbing at his steak again. “Thank god. The last thing we need is a baby in the mix. We’re having a hard enough time trying to figure out our living situation.” He peers back at me, knowingly.
I open my mouth to reply, but I’m not sure what to say. He sounds relieved. Elated even. If I was pregnant, what would he have said then?
“Wait, if you’re not cheating, what does you thinking you’re pregnant have to do with me messing up?”
“You’re the only guy I’ve ever been with, Dash. You know that. And when I told the doctor I’d been having sex all this time she told me I should get a test done. So I did.” I clear my throat. “The pregnancy test was negative, but I came up positive for chlamydia.”
Dash coughs, dropping his fork. He holds his fist over his mouth squinting at me through watery eyes. When he pushes his plate away, I tense, positive I look as humiliated as I feel.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
I swallow hard. “I said I have—”
“I heard you.” He slams his hand down on the table and the water from the jug splashes into my plate. “What the fuck, Coco?”
“I…I’ve—Dr. Schumacher says I’ve likely had it for a while. There aren’t many symptoms. A lot of times people don’t know unless they get a test. I didn’t know. But, Dash I’m only telling you because—”
“What?” His jaw is clenched and he narrows his eyes. “You think I’m cheating again?”
“No!” My heart beats wildly against my chest. It only crossed my mind for a second, then all I could think about was that groupie from that summer. Oh, god. What if he is? What if that’s what this is? Why else would he be so quick to bring it up?
My stomach rolls and I push away from the table.
“Where are you going?”
“I…I need some air. I’ll be right back.”
Before I can even make it to the door, Dash is at my side, gripping my upper arm. “We need to talk about this, babe. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and bolt.”
I try to pull away, knowing full well it won’t make a difference, but he only tightens his grip.
“Dash,” I say, my voice betraying my calm facade. “I just need to—”
“Are you cheating?” he asks again. “Is that what this is? Your way of telling me?”
I peer into his eyes. His face has softened somewhat and he looks more hurt—scared even—than angry.
“No. I told you you’re the only one. You’ve always been the only one.”
He holds onto both of my arms now, turning me to face him. “Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I—I’ll understand. I
had it coming right? I fucked up once upon a time and it’s only fair you get to do the same.”
“I didn’t. It seems crazy, but the doctor said—”
“Fuck what the doctor said.” I flinch at his sharp response. “That doesn’t make any fucking sense, Coco. You expect me to believe I gave you that shit three years ago and you’re only finding out about it now? That’s bullshit!”
“I don’t expect you to believe anything. I’m the one who went in for a regular check up and got saddled with this. I’m the innocent one here. I haven’t been with anyone but you. Ever.” He finally lets go of me and I take a step back, letting out a whimper. “You cheated on me,” I continue, the memory of all those years ago, inducing a flood of unexpected tears. “I got over it even though I never thought I would and now…”
Dash drops his gaze, his face flushing as he rubs his palm over his head. “I’m sorry. You—you were gone a long time. I’m sorry.”
“I might not be able to have kids,” I whisper and his head snaps up. “Doctor Schumacher wants to do another test after I’m cured. In a week.” I suck in a breath. “Since I’ve had it for so long there’s a chance I might have Silent PID. And it could leave scarring. It’ll make it hard to get pregnant.” I sniff, gazing up at his tight features.
“I’m—”
“Sorry, I know. But a lot good that does me now.” I turn toward the door, placing my hand on the knob. “You should get tested. Then you’ll see. I haven’t done anything wrong.” I sigh. “Just take me home, please.”
CHAPTER NINE
Luke
If there were any truth to my mother’s warnings back when I was twelve, I’d have hands like an ape right now. Hairy as hell. I’m not exactly proud to admit I’ve been jerking off like I’m doing it for money lately. In my opinion, watching porn is kind of pathetic. But when you’re like me—horny as fuck but even more loyal—you quickly run out of options.
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