by Kluwe, Chris
Some subsume their identities into others. Living the lie of another person for too long leads to the blurring of boundaries, a loss of self—id displacement. Time spent away from the feed is an unwanted but necessary trauma to keep access flowing; you scrape up just enough to get by each day, your inner dreams buried beneath the distant weight of overachievement and adulation channeled into vacant eyes.
What will you do when your mirror shows you a stranger?
Are you truly living your life?
Ray Bradbury was wrong. We won’t need walls.
Love, Dad
This is a letter to my children, and let me say right off the bat, this title sucks. It makes me sound old. I refuse to be old, and I hope both of you are the same (I’m assuming your mother and I didn’t accidently have another sibling for you two) (if we did, consider yourself included, future baby) (hopefully this isn’t psychologically damaging or anything) (WE LOVE YOU, POTENTIAL FUTURE BABY WHO MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST). Old is boring, and cranky, and vacantly staring at the world while waiting for the grave to swallow you up. You can be a teenager and be old, or you can be old and be old; really, it’s a mind-set.
So, yeah. Don’t get old.
Other helpful advice: Listen to us (your parents), but know when to ignore us (your parents). We’re going to try to keep you safe and protected and free from harm because that’s what parents do. We watched you turn from screaming poop factories into stumbling toddlers into children with personalities all your own, and while you probably won’t remember all the times we tucked you into bed or read you a story or laughed when you did something funny, we do, and it’s tough to let you out into the real world with all its uncaring danger and random happenstance. At some point, you’re going to have to make your own decisions in life, and you’ll have to learn to get up after you fall down, so go fall down a couple times (just try not to do it too hard, if you can help it). Your mother and I will always have your best interests in mind, but you won’t realize what that means until you experience it for yourself with your own kids.
Try to avoid run-on sentences. They can get confusing.
Don’t be afraid to confuse people sometimes. Make ’em work to keep up.
Let’s see, what else? Oh, an important one: Never forget the golden rule. Treat other people the way you want to be treated, and expect the same in return. You don’t need to follow any particular religion or creed to understand this one—it’s pretty easy. Before you do something, ask yourself, Would I be okay if someone was doing this to me? If the answer’s no, you should probably come up with a different course of action. On the flip side, if you see someone breaking the golden rule, say something about it. Bullies and assholes rely on everyone around them being too afraid to call them on their shit, so tell them where they can stick it. Make sure you consider the consequences of your actions, though; sometimes a person will react poorly to being called a self-fellating fuckbeaver.
Appreciate the power of inventive invective, but know when to use it. You can’t just run around all day screaming obscenities (mainly because you’ll lose your voice), but a well-timed swearword can help you make a point quite forcefully, especially when people don’t expect it. It has to be funny, though (and not just to you)! No one likes a lazy swearer. Also, remember that words can hurt, but only if you let them. One of the most effective defenses against an enraged not-funny swearer is to laugh in his face. People take themselves so seriously at times that you can really mess with them if you don’t react how they think you should (of course, this will probably make them more enraged, so be sure to have several escape routes planned) (bonus points if you can make them froth at the mouth so hard they stroke out).
Learn to laugh at yourself. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but it’s one of the most important things life will teach you. This is an absurd, ridiculous, hysterical universe we live in, and we’re pretty silly creatures. The only way you’re ever going to be able to laugh at all the dumb-asses out there is by realizing you’re one of them too. Do your best to avoid doing anything too imbecilic, but we’re all morons at one time or another. Find the humor in the situation, because I guarantee you, it’s pretty funny to everyone else watching. Don’t be a fool for the sake of being a fool, but when you inevitably put your foot in your mouth, just smile and wave. It’ll make for a good story to tell your kids later (just ask me or your mother if you want to hear about some of ours).
Never be afraid to express yourself; hell, never be afraid, period. It’s something you’ll probably have to work at, but there’s too much fun stuff in this world to waste your life running around being scared of everything. Have a healthy appreciation for the possible repercussions of your actions, but learn to take that gnawing in the pit of your stomach and push it way into the back where it can’t do anything. Your mind is so much stronger than you know, and succumbing to fear is lazy.
Don’t be lazy (at least not too often). Whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it to the best of your ability, and make sure you accept only the absolute highest standard from yourself. Other people can push you, inspire you, but if you don’t develop that inner drive to achieve because you want to, then you’ll be stuck going through life wondering why things just never seem to work out. Find that inner fire that says I’m going to be the greatest [whatever it is] ever, and then don’t let anyone stop you. You may not achieve it, but if you can look at yourself and honestly say, “I gave it everything I had,” then you’ll have no regrets.
Don’t work too hard. It’s a fine line between giving something your best effort and obsessing over it, and obsessing over something is not good for you. Everything in moderation, as Aristotle said (you can apply that to just about anything in life), so make sure you take some time to relax and enjoy the journey. If you’re always running from place to place, you’re going to miss out on a lot of neat stuff, and you’ll probably have a heart attack.
You’ll want to avoid heart attacks; they’re generally a Bad Thing.
Try everything at least once (except heart attacks). The only way you’ll ever know if you like something is if you try it, so keep an open mind. Again, always be aware of the consequences of everything you do, but don’t be afraid to go exploring. If there’s one thing that video games have taught me, it’s that all the coolest treasures are hidden off the beaten path, so get out there and give it a shot. Who knows? You might discover you really enjoy something you never thought you would. Growing up, I never planned to write a book. I hated writing—it always felt stilted and awkward, and I never saw myself writing anything once I finished school. NOW I’M WRITING A BOOK, AND IT’S FUN.
Caps Lock is cruise control for cool; remember that for online conversations.
Remember that the Internet is serious business, but nothing people say on it should ever be taken seriously, especially if they’re arguing (go Google xkcd arguing on Internet). People say all sorts of crazy things on the Internet that they would never say to your face, and they say it primarily because they’re not standing in front of your face. Laugh at them, and then proceed about your day.
Be aware that some crazy people on the Internet are also crazy in real life. Don’t give out your personal information, because if you laugh at the wrong crazy person, he or she might do something crazy. That’s what crazy people do. Because they’re crazy.
Don’t make fun of people with legitimate mental illnesses—there’s a large difference between “furious nerd-raging cat collector with poor impulse control who sniffs own poop because deep down he’s an asshole” and “chemical imbalance in brain and needs halp.” Poop-sniffer can be laughed at; he’s a chode. Chemical imbalance needs all of our support and assistance because he has a legit medical problem that most likely makes his life pretty crummy at times. Again, remember the golden rule. Also, to those poop-sniffers who might be reading this (and you know who you are; Google troll face): Try showering occasionally
and going out to meet people face to face. It’ll do you some good, you bunch of sweaty nerds.
Never be ashamed of who you are. I’m a nerd who plays football. It doesn’t matter to me what other people think about that, because they’re not the ones living my life. I’m the one living my life, and I like being a nerd who’s really good at sports and reads lots of books and plays lots of video games while also writing scathing commentaries and laughing at the utter ridiculousness of it all. You’re going to be the only one who can live your life, so ignore the haters and be whoever you want to be. Fucks given = zero.
I want to tell you, above all, that I will always love you (your mother goes back and forth based on how much time has passed since you last vomited on something), and I will do my best to teach you how to learn, how to think for yourself, and how to be your own person when the day inevitably comes that you leave the nest (if you’re not gone by college, we’re kicking you out; learn to fly).
Well, that’s all I’ve got. Hopefully, you’re not reading this in jail somewhere—unless it was for protesting against oppressive taint-fondlers who’re trying to take away people’s freedom, in which case I’ll offer a hearty “Well done.” Don’t drop the soap.
Love,
Dad (but not in an old way; I’m too young to be old)
Explicit, Implicit, Omission
This piece originally ran in my blog Out of Bounds on the Pioneer Press website during the Marriage Amendment Act debate of 2012, and it was the final piece I posted for them. I don’t handle lying about important stuff well. If you want to read their editorial it can be found here: http://www.twincities.com/opinion/ci_21916526/editorial-minnesota-marriage-amendment.
The core of any stable society is honesty.
We must be able to trust one another. We must be able to trust that contracts will be fulfilled, laws will be followed, and rights will be respected. We must be able to trust that people mean the words they say, that a government will not abuse its monopoly on military force, that news outlets will convey all the facts in a clear and impartial manner.
Without trust, the only law we have is the point of the spear, the barrel of the gun.
That’s why I can no longer write for the St. Paul Pioneer Press.
In a recent editorial, the editorial board of the Pioneer Press claimed to present a neutral view of the proposed amendment to ban same-sex marriage.
This was a lie.
Instead, we were presented with a severely biased piece urging the adoption of the amendment, a piece that did its best to hide behind the facade of its purported neutrality but that let its glaring support ooze through in every twisted phrase and slimy sentence.
To be clear, I have no problem with the editors urging people to vote yes. That is their decision to make, their opinion to have, and no one can (or should) take that away. My problem is the attempted masking of that opinion, the disguising of their intent—in short, my problem is with their lying.
How does this piece lie? It lies in the very first sentence: “The marriage amendment puts the definition of marriage to a vote of the people in an attempt to protect it from judges and legislators.” An innocuous statement at first glance, but when you take a second look, its message is insidious, implying as it does that the current definition of marriage needs to be protected and that another definition of marriage will be wrong or distasteful. “Protect it from judges and legislators”? That’s how laws work in this country—we elect legislators, and they pass laws; if we don’t like them, we vote in new legislators who pass new laws. If we don’t like what judges do, we elect legislators to appoint different judges or we recall them. To imply that something needs to be protected from the very function of legality is to dismiss the basis of our judicial and legislative system.
How does this piece lie? It lies by implying that the statement “For those who consider the amendment the last best defense of a critically important institution under assault by activists attempting to reverse centuries of collective wisdom, it easily clears the constitutional amendment bar” is just as neutral as the statement “For those who oppose it and are confident that in time their view will prevail through the Legislature or the courts, the constitutional amendment process is inappropriate.”
The first quote uses emotionally nuanced adjectives to describe supporters of the marriage amendment: “last best defense,” “critically important institution,” “under assault by activists,” “centuries of collective wisdom”—all loaded phrases, all designed to evoke a subconscious response of sympathy and/or fear. The second quote? A bland description of our actual legal process, presented as if it’s somehow merely an option to follow the structural framework laid down by our founders. Which of these quotes is designed to influence people more?
How does this piece lie? It lies by ignoring Supreme Court precedent that separate is not equal. “Opponents of the measure are clear that they do not want to settle for a civil union status that would guarantee the same rights and privileges to same-sex unions that are given to traditional marriages. It is ‘marriage’ that they want. In effect, a union by any other name is not as sweet.”
Yes, how dare those gay people insist on the same respect, the same dignity, the same acknowledgment that heterosexual couples receive? How dare they think that a civil union isn’t good enough? How dare they think that separate is not, in fact, equal? Presenting the idea that opponents of the amendment should somehow be grateful for what scraps they get is not neutral. Frankly, it’s disgustingly reminiscent of segregation articles from the 1960s, discrimination wrapped in a tissue-paper veil of “tolerance” and “why can’t they be happy with what they have?”
How does this piece lie? It lies in statistics. “Some argue that as a practical matter there seems to be less interest by same-sex partners in actually being married than in redefining what marriage is. In Iowa, for instance, Wikipedia reports, that only 815 same-sex couples married in the first year after legalization.” It’s unfortunate that the editors do not comment on the fact that the actual link in the Wiki article leads to a page not found.
This is not journalism. This is cherry-picking facts you hope no one has the inclination to look up, because if one looked up the actual facts, one would see that 815 same-sex marriages means that 20 percent of the same-sex couples in Iowa chose to marry that first year, a not-insignificant fraction of the population. If one looked up actual facts, one would find that 13.6 percent of all marriages in Iowa in 2010 were same-sex marriages, another not-insignificant fraction, especially when one considers that the gay population of the United States is estimated at only 3.5 percent.
How does this piece lie? It lies in its mealymouthed “Love may be love, but even now there are any number of prohibitions around marriage between consenting (heterosexual) adults.” Name them. Oh, that’s right, you can’t. It lies in having five-sentence vote-yes arguments and one- or two-sentence vote-no counterpoints. It lies by claiming that marriage is either “about children and the biological family or about consenting adults”—as if gay people can’t raise children and all they want to do is have sex with each other.
How does the piece lie? It lies, oh, how it lies, when it talks about supporters of traditional marriage being bullied, being painted as victims; when it weeps and moans about how the “members of the [vote-no] movement are aggressive”; when it wails and gnashes teeth and says, “For those who hold traditional beliefs about marriage, increasingly the force of law will be brought to bear on matters of education, speech, and practice.” And all this while not mentioning a single gay person denied his or her right to be treated as a human being, while remaining silent on the issue of gay children bullied in school, while staying completely quiet about a gay-support group forbidden to march in Anoka.
How does this piece lie? It lies, most simply, in this sentence: “The Pioneer Press is not endorsing one way or another.”
You have made your endorsement, ladies and gentlemen. You chose your side. Bu
t you did not choose to stand up for your convictions, to attach your names to the position you took. That is why I will no longer associate with you, why I decline to give you page views and ad revenue any longer. The only reason I’m posting this piece here and not somewhere else is that I said I would, and I believe that one’s word is not something to be given lightly.
I will not stand for the continual eroding of society. I will not tolerate the presentation of a biased argument under a thin coat of purported neutrality. I will not contribute to the cheapening of discourse and thought that decays every single news-as-entertainment outlet in this country. I absolutely will not compromise my ethics and morality, ideals that lead me to treat others with empathy and honesty, to demand truth not only from myself but from those around me.
I reject you, and I encourage others to do the same—reject you, and all others like you. Those who perpetrate deception and fraud. Those willing to hide the truth of their beliefs. Those who value flash over substance, short-term gains over long-term consequences.
Without honesty, we have nothing.
Farewell.
PS: I am aware of your “apology.” You still failed to address the underlying problem, that a piece like that was published in the first place. You still haven’t taken responsibility for your stance. You evaded and backpedaled, and you did not once say, “We have failed you as a media establishment. We have betrayed your trust. This is what we stand for, and why; this is how that article came to be printed, why we allowed it.”
Have the courage of your convictions. That’s all I’m asking. Stand for something, or fall for everything; don’t hide behind lies.
If I Ruled the World
Dear People of the World,
I would like to be your supreme overlord. Now, I realize that this is an extraordinary position to take, and some might view it as slightly megalomaniacal, but I think we can do some really great stuff together—stuff that will ensure our continued survival as a species and maybe lead to a better quality of life for everyone (unless it all goes horribly wrong, in which case it’s not my fault). Also, the reason you should choose me for leader of the world is that a lot of the things I have planned are definitely long-term, so I’m going to need to keep an eye on stuff.
