by Ruth Hay
Zoe was still stunned at what had just happened. She had not yet processed the incident and she wanted to hear what Wes would make of it. As she stood up she caught sight of Iris hovering in the background with a look on her face that suggested a mother watching her child with pride. Some might think Iris was the mother and Zach the child in question, but Zoe knew in her heart Iris’ look of pride was directed at her.
What an absolute treasure Iris is. I can never thank her enough for what she has done for Zachary and for me.
* * *
Twenty minutes later, Zoe came downstairs again dressed in more casual clothes, ready to hear from her husband.
“Darling, how do you feel about what happened with Zach a short time ago?”
“I’m not sure. It felt different. I didn’t feel the usual panic. It could have been a fluke of course.”
“Possibly, but I am choosing to see it as a new beginning for us. I promise not to rush you, Zoe. I have been doing some serious thinking about our situation. While you were at work I made two calls.”
“Oh?”
“The first was to Aylward in Toronto.”
“Wesley, I am feeling so guilty about them. I have ignored them abominably and they have been so kind. What did he say?”
“I asked Aylward for a recommendation and he suggested a female therapist. That was my second call.”
Zoe put aside her anxiety about what Wesley might have said to Aylward regarding his wife’s condition, and listened to hear Wes talk about this new therapist. She had not made much progress with Louis Bernier despite her attempts. This new woman could hardly be worse, could she?”
“I will explain everything later, but Sophia Vantisen was amazing. She is based in New York, works exclusively with women patients and although she can’t see you for several months, she asked me a most crucial question about you.”
“What question?” Her nervous tension was rising. As a private person, Zoe hated to think she was the topic of curiosity, even if it were to someone she might never meet.
“She asked me if you had a mother who could help you.”
Zoe was stunned. She could not make the connection to what Wesley had said. What was crucial about the question? What had made her husband so excited?”
She saw his eager expression fade a little as he received no affirmation. Then, it hit her. Louis had been hinting at the mother issue from the start and this woman was clearly following the same rule book. Wes was obviously in agreement also.
She had two choices. Insist on repeating what she had told Louis; she could not recall any early influences related to her mother. Or, give her husband a chance to explain what he understood this new Sophia therapist to mean.
She chose the latter. It might have been simple exhaustion that caused her not to fight him. It might have been a gleam of hope in the word ‘help’.
In a few more seconds she was so glad she had chosen correctly.
“My darling, this is what I believe. You should have had a mother here to help you in the first days after Zach was born. I blame myself for being so pigheaded that I thought I alone could do all that was needed to guide you through the difficulties you experienced.
I want to make up for that hubris now. I also called Valerie, Corinne and Sandra today.”
He stopped at Zoe’s sharp intake of breath. “Wait! Don’t be upset. Each of them knew instinctively what had been going on. No one was surprised in the least and they each wanted to help at once.”
A rush of relief swept through Zoe. She loved these women so much. Seeing them would make her feel that everything could be fixed. She wondered why she had not thought about this before now.
Wesley continued.
“There’s good news and bad news, however. Valerie is in Vancouver helping her friend Jean get ready for her move to Oban to stay with her daughter’s family. Arthur told me Corinne is back in Los Angeles with Carla and the twins, and he sends this message from Corinne. It appears Carla will soon be in a movie to be made in England and she will bring the twins with her so they can meet Zach.”
It was like a warm, soothing bath to be immersed in news about the outside world again. For too long her own feelings and anxieties had occupied her mind to the exclusion of everything else. The thought of Carla’s two and Zach playing together in Dunstan’s Close was immensely reassuring.
“That’s not all! Sandra has agreed to come here as soon as she can get away from Mull. Ian has ordered a conservatory for their house and she wants to see it started.
With Sandra’s own experience as mother to three girls, and with her daycare business, can you imagine anyone better to have with us?”
Chapter Three
A Friday in June.
When Sandra Halder arrived at Dunstan’s Close in the beginning of June, it was like a breath of fresh sea and mountain air had arrived with her. She fell into Zoe’s arms and the two hugged for minutes on end with tears on all four cheeks.
There had been a tense moment as Sandra assessed Iris. Wes had told her of the vital role Iris O’Malley had filled since Zach’s birth and she was prepared to cast some blame upon this interloper. But as soon as she saw the genuine smile of welcome, heard the warm Irish tones and felt her love for the six-month-old charmer in her arms, she knew here was an ally and friend.
First, there was a lot of catching up to do. Wes left the two friends to talk together. The women chose to go to the top of the clock tower where cool breezes from the open windows ruffled their hair and Sandra could look down over the garden and admire the climbing roses.
“Everything is growing and blossoming, Zoe, so what’s wrong with you? I have never seen you thin and drawn like this. You must have been through a dreadful experience to take this toll on your health.
Talk to me. It’s safe. There’s nothing you can say that I have not heard before, believe me!”
Zoe took her at her word. From some depth of her mind and heart the words flowed on and on. Every fear, every worry, every failure, every pain flooded out into the warm air and drifted away. She was able to speak with Sandra as she had never felt free to do with Wesley or Louis. Sandra’s loving looks were the balm she had needed to soothe her weary mind. Her friend did not question. She listened and nodded in sympathy and her hands tightened on Zoe’s as each painful episode was related.
Without any further prompting, Zoe finally linked up her withdrawal from Zachary to her mother’s withdrawal from her teenage self.
“It’s as if she left me to founder all alone in an act that removed both my parents from me at the same time. I guess the effect was more devastating than I realized. I must have buried some of the worst of the damage and it came back to life at exactly the worst possible time, when my baby boy needed me the most.
Oh, Sandra! Tell me! Have I ruined Zach’s life by withholding a mother’s love from him?”
Sandra Halder carefully considered her next words while maintaining a sympathetic expression on her face. Yes, she had encountered similar cases of a new mother being unable to cope with her baby, and, yes, there could be long-lasting effects on the child. But Zoe was blessed with both Wesley, a remarkably compassionate man if there ever was one, and also Iris O’Malley, a woman who had the strength of character to love Zach without, apparently, trying to replace his own mother. That was exceptional in Sandra’s experience. If ever there was a situation perfectly suited to Zoe’s recovery, this had to be it.
“Zoe, my dear, lovely young woman, you could not have intended to harm your beloved child in any way. You let your fears overwhelm you at a crucial time. Had a more experienced person, like Iris, been summoned sooner, I am convinced you would have recovered your confidence.”
“But will Zach be all right?”
“Of course, he will! He will be perfectly fine as soon as you are. He is fine now, can’t you see? He is growing and thriving exactly as he should. The only thing he lacks is you and no one on this earth can replace you, his mother.”
“How can I make up for all the lost weeks? I can’t believe I was so afraid of him.”
“You were afraid of not being the perfect mother. You have been the perfect business person, the perfect wife, and now when the biggest, most important challenge of your life was before you, you took a common inability to breast-feed and converted it into the biggest disaster you could imagine.”
Sandra, placed her hands on Zoe’s shoulders and made eye contact.
“I remember your mother. Grace Morton was also a perfectionist but she never failed to love her baby girl with all her heart. That love is deep inside you, Zoe. Reach for it and see that it’s true, no matter what happened later. You have known a mother’s love and now you can claim it for your child. It’s what Grace would have wished for you.”
She had said everything she could to persuade Zoe she was fit to be a mother to Zachary. The rest was up to her.
The truth was that no one was prepared to be a mother. It was on-the-job training. Zoe Morton was the most competent and generous person Sandra had ever met. It was thanks to her, Sandra had gained the courage to stand up to her husband and demand an opportunity to use her mothering skills in a home-based day care business. She was more than glad to able to return some help and encouragement to Zoe, although never in her wildest dreams had she imagined this would be required of her.
She maintained her eye contact with the young woman sitting next to her while her mind roved over the events since their first week in the English Lake District. How far each of them had come! Sandra and Ian had been able to retire to Mull, to a fine home with accommodations for all three of their girls and their growing families. There was enough money coming in from the daycare business in Glasgow to permit the couple to travel widely but every time they pored over brochures and websites they would stop, look out over the ocean, and count their blessings to be living in this beautiful, West of Scotland island and they would inevitably return the brochures to the travel agent, unused.
Zoe and Wesley had created this wonderful home in London; an oasis from the hustle and bustle of the capital city not far from their doors, but nestled in this secluded section with enough land around it to provide a garden and privacy from prying eyes. Zoe had achieved tremendous success as an entrepreneurial business person whose latest idea to provide funds for women with mental issues was getting huge support from her feminist business partners in the City.
Zoe’s Portal Project had not been intended to help mothers suffering from post-partum depression but Sandra believed some good would come from Zoe’s trauma and be transferred to helping others in the same predicament. Sandra shared Zoe’s philosophy of life that insisted pain was only surmountable if it could be turned to a good use.
“So, tell me about your work. Wesley says you are in the Excelsior building three mornings a week.
How is that going?”
Immediately, Sandra could see what a relief it was for Zoe to talk about her work. Her face lit up and she sat upright, displaying confidence in every line of her body.
“I am not doing too much. Suzanne and Wesley keep track of my activities and make me take breaks regularly. Sandra, do you think I am doing the right thing by going back to work? Should I be spending this time with Zach instead? Am I making things worse? Is it selfish of me?”
“My dear woman, answer these questions for yourself. How do you feel when you are working?”
“Well, I feel guilty of course!”
Sandra laughed out loud.
“Every working mother feels guilty. That’s a given. When you put aside the guilt how do you feel?”
“Hmmm, when I am immersed in some project, or chairing a meeting, I feel strong, powerful and most truly myself. Is that wrong of me?”
“Absolutely not! You were a successful working woman long before you were a wife or a mother.
Of course you feel secure in that environment. It is a known place. Zachary’s mother is a new and scary role for you but you must understand that every personal quality you brought to the job at Excelsior and used with such great results, is exactly the same quality you can bring to this new role.
Your hours at work prove you have not lost the ability. All you need to do now is transfer those abilities to this new job you have at home.”
Zoe shook her head as if to clear space for the new thoughts Sandra had introduced. The wing of black, shiny hair swung down around the curve of her cheek. There was a new light in her dark eyes. Eyes that Sandra could see would mirror those of her son.
“Do you mean I should think of Zachary as another project; a problem to be solved and overcome?”
Sandra laughed again. “I wouldn’t put it quite like that, Zoe. But you are in the right ballpark, as they say. Use your strengths to bolster your natural confidence and learn how to meet this new challenge. Have you ever failed to meet a challenge when you put your mind to it?”
“I suppose not. And yet this particular challenge is so much more important for all three of us. I am afraid to fail again.”
“Look. I am here to help. We’ll send Wesley off to work this afternoon and you, me and Iris will make a fresh start. I know you can do this. All it takes is some courage and you have that in spades, my dear Zoe. Trust me. I have seen miracles happen when a mother’s confidence is boosted.”
“Oh, Sandra! You have certainly boosted my confidence today. I feel more hopeful than I have in months. Stay with me and work with me and I will do everything you suggest. In this area you are the expert.”
“To some degree I am, but, don’t you forget lass, there is no substitute for a baby’s mother. He is ready for you. He always has been. He will show you the way.”
* * *
Sandra was dying for a cup of strong Scottish tea. She was parched from so much talk and tension, but she was also confident in what she had said. She insisted the afternoon session was to be initiated after a good meal. She had brought a selection of Scottish specialities with her in a cool pack, and all three adults sat with Zachary in his high chair and enjoyed Scotch meat pies with Heinz baked beans and a plate of what Sandra called ‘square loaf’. It was white bread with a dark crust on top and was in no way square as far as Zoe could see, but it was fresh and tasty when spread with butter. Wesley begged for some to be reserved for him for his supper and Sandra promised.
Zach seemed interested in the food the adults were discussing in enthusiastic terms and Sandra encouraged Zoe to cut small bits for him from her plate.
“Talk to him in a natural way and ask how he likes the new tastes. Tell him how you feel about these foods.”
Zoe felt a little awkward about this. Had it not been for a few tentative sessions she had already had with food and Zach, she thought she could never have attempted to do as Sandra asked. Somehow with Sandra nudging her on and Iris smiling and happy on the other side of the table, she gathered enough courage to talk to her son.
“I kind of like this bread, Zach, but it might be the nice butter that tastes so good. What do you think?”
She held out a small piece to him and he grabbed for it and crammed it into his mouth. For a second his mouth stopped moving while the butter took its effect then he chewed enthusiastically and reached toward his mother as if to ask for more. Zoe smiled and found Sandra had another small piece of bread ready for her.
“Talk to him!” Sandra whispered.
“Did you like that bit? Here’s another one for you, my boy. It’s good to try different things. This bread comes from Scotland. Auntie Sandra brought it for us specially. They don’t bake bread like this in England.”
Iris and Sandra exchanged glances. This was not the typical mother child exchange but Zach did not seem to mind at all. He was listening to the voice rather than the words and his face showed interest.
The more he focussed on his mother’s face, the more comfortable Zoe became. She began to smile in a genuine way, responding to this beautiful boy as everyone who had ever seen him was prompted to do.
When Zach took the remaining piece of bread an smooshed it over the tray in front of him Zoe broke out into delighted laughter and Zach stopped in surprise at the sound, as if he was about to cry.
Sandra held her breath. If Zoe turned back now she would have such a mountain to climb she might never be brave enough to try again. It was a tense moment, but Zach soon showed he was playing a game. He liked this lady’s laughter. He wanted to hear it again. He pushed his little chubby fingers onto the tray and then stuck them into his mouth with a twinkle in his eyes that said, ‘Well, what are you going to do now?’
All of a sudden Zoe was overcome with how adorable this child was. She did not stop to analyze his actions or her own responses she just did what felt right. She took his hand and licked the fingers one by one.
Zach thought this was the funniest thing. He chuckled and chortled and shook with laughter. The wilder his responses, the more Zoe played to him. She showed him amazement at what he had done, so he responded with more laughter until his little face turned red. Without thinking about it, Zoe took hold of his warm, chubby hands and blew on them to cool him down. He liked this too but soon pulled his hand clear and reached up to touch the hair that had covered one side of her face. When she felt the pull she moved closer and before she could figure out what she was doing, she gently kissed her son’s cheek.
Iris’ indrawn breath alerted Sandra that this was an unusual action.
Sandra wanted to intervene; things had moved even faster than she had anticipated. She was afraid Zoe might go a step too far and be rebuffed, which would be disastrous. She almost stood up and moved forward when Zoe did the unexpected again.
With one swift movement, she picked Zach up in her arms and wiggled him free of the high chair’s tray. He was in her arms. He was warm and comfortable there. He was not screaming or wriggling away from her touch. He was content.
Iris and Sandra quickly withdrew into the kitchen and watched as a miracle unfolded before them.
