by Amira Rain
“Well, can you please just tell me exactly what happened in your past that—”
“I let her die, Jim. I let my own mother just die.”
I’d come to a stop in my pacing and had suddenly whirled around to look at Jim while I’d said what I had. Now I was absolutely breathless, just about gasping for air, as if I’d run a fast mile. I had no idea why. I had no idea why I was suddenly trembling from head to toe, either. I had a clue, though. Now that I’d already said what I had, I knew the rest was coming out, and I felt powerless to stop it. Couldn’t even if I’d bent my whole will toward the task. I felt like whatever was about to come out of my mouth was like some wild, living thing that had clawed its way to the surface and was now determined to see the light of day.
After I’d taken a few deep gulps of air, I began speaking again with my words tumbling out, as if they were chasing each other. “I’m sure the government agents told you about what happened to my mom, which I’m sure they learned about from getting their hands on the police report, but I know the report didn’t contain all the details about what happened, because a few of them I’ve never told to another soul, not even my grandparents. So, here’s this.” Still feeling starved for oxygen, I paused to take another couple of deep breaths before continuing. “It happened on some back road in rural Illinois. It was ten-something at night, in the summer. June. My mom was driving us back to Chicago from visiting a friend somewhere a good ways outside the city. Nobody ever figured out what made my mom swerve, which made us crash into the trees, somehow flipping the car in the process. Because I remembered her honking the horn a few seconds before the crash, the police guessed that maybe she saw a deer or some other animal. I didn’t see anything because I was starting to fall asleep, and I was also sitting in the back seat, because I was only eight, and still too short to safely sit in the front. It probably saved my life that my mom was still sitting me in the back.”
My chest suddenly began aching badly, to the point that I instinctively lifted a hand and began massaging the area near my collarbone, as if that might actually help.
“Sorry. My chest just aches.”
Not to mention that I was still trembling and rubber-legged.
With his eyes filled with pain, Jim slowly got up from his chair, came over to me, and guided me to sit in what had been Tasha’s chair. “Just take your time.”
“I just need a few breaths.”
He turned the chair next to me to face me, then had a seat again himself. “Take as many as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
He took my hands in his and just held them while I took at least a half-dozen deep, slow breaths before speaking again.
“The car caught fire right away, and I could smell the smoke, and I could also hear it popping and crackling because all the windows were open. I was upside down, and my seat belt was stuck or locked or something, but I somehow wiggled out and got out of the car, then ran around to my mom’s side. She was screaming my name, asking if I was okay, and I saw her just a split second before she saw me. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She looked just... absolutely terrified, miles beyond panic-stricken. But then when she saw me, her expression instantly changed to one of relief so profound it was really something more like rapture, and I’m not being hyperbolic about that at all. Even though she was upside down, I could see that she was just so, so relieved that I was out of the car, and apparently okay, because I was walking around. I literally didn’t even have a scratch on me.”
“Thank God.”
“Yes. But my mom wasn’t as lucky. The light from the flames covering the undercarriage was bright enough that I could clearly see that she was badly injured—blood everywhere—she seemed to be trying to move her arms but just wasn’t quite able to do it... just kind of very weakly flailing them... but she didn’t seem to be pinned in by the dash or anything; so I knew that if I could just get her unbuckled and get her door open, I could pull her to safety before the fire got worse. And if the door wouldn’t open, I’d just try to pull her through the window. So, right away, I started to move for the door to see if it would open, but there was some kind of a pop, and then the fire suddenly started to burn much brighter and hotter. After that, everything is kind of a blur, but I remember starting to cry hysterically, wanting to move in and get her out, but every time I made a move for the door, there was another pop and more flames, more heat. I knew it would be inside the car soon, and I knew I didn’t have much time left to get her out, but I was just so scared, and eventually, I felt frozen in place. My mom started screaming again, begging me to help her, and I just...”
Recalling what had happened next, I cringed, sending two tears sliding down my cheeks. Without a word, Jim released one of my hands, wiped the two tears away, and then waited patiently for me to continue.
“I just looked into my mom’s eyes, bawling, while she screamed for me to help her. But I was just so scared of the heat and the flames that I couldn’t move. Not until a pop so loud that it was really more like an explosion. A fireball went up from the car, and then the flames were inside the car, and I couldn’t see any more. I just turned and ran, covering my ears so that I couldn’t hear my mom screaming in pain. I ran like a complete coward. Didn’t stop until I saw the lights of a farmhouse maybe a quarter-mile down the road. They called the police, but of course it was too late. The car was practically incinerated by the time they got there.” With another tear sliding down my face, I paused for a deep breath. “So, now you know exactly who and what I am, and why I’m not suited for fighting. I’m a coward. Not brave. Not strong. Just gutless. The kind of person so gutless she left her own mother to die.”
Looking incredulous that I would say such a thing, Jim wiped my tear away before responding. “My God, Avery. You were eight. Eight. The fact that you would hold yourself to adult levels of strength and bravery at that age is just ludicrous.”
“Well, who a person is in terms of their character is usually pretty fully formed by that age, so—”
“Well, on some levels, often that’s true. But on an adult level of heroism—”
“I failed her, Jim. Plain and simple. I ultimately froze in place. I’m not someone you ever want on a battlefield. I choke, and people die.”
“But even if you had been able to open the car door, I really don’t think an eight-year-old would have been able to pull a grown woman to safety. You might have only succeeded in losing your own life in the trying. I’m sure your mom knew this, and I bet she wanted you to run, but her own adrenaline and fear probably wouldn’t let her not call for help.”
Jim’s words had sent a fresh wave of tears rolling down my face, and he wiped them away.
I shrugged, sniffling. “I should have at least made more of an attempt to save her. I can’t even describe to you how horrible it feels to know that someone you loved needed your help, and you couldn’t give it. Couldn’t protect them, and couldn’t save them.”
Turning his gaze downward to our clasped hands for a long moment before looking into my eyes again, Jim didn’t respond right away. “Unfortunately, I’m very familiar with the feelings you just described. I’m just so sorry that you have to experience them, too.”
Instantly recalling what he’d told me about having experienced a great loss, I cringed. “I’m so sorry. I forgot what you told me about the woman you lost.”
Jim frowned. “‘Woman?’”
Now I was sorry and embarrassed.
“You said ‘great loss,’ and I guess I just assumed. I’m so sorry.”
Jim gave my hand a light squeeze. “Please don’t be sorry for anything. You didn’t know, because I decided not to bring the subject up again. We’ve been enjoying our new relationship so much lately that I couldn’t stand the thought of interrupting our happiness by sharing with you my own personal tragedy. Telling someone that your whole family was murdered isn’t exactly something to bring up over a candlelit dinner.”
Stunned, I couldn’t speak right away. �
��I’m so sorry, Jim. What happened?
“To make a very long, incredibly complicated story very short, my dad was a good man, but around the time I graduated high school, he’d gotten way in over his head with gambling. Racked up some astronomical debts, and pissed off the wrong people. When these people didn’t get paid, they dispatched two hit men from Las Vegas, and they executed my parents and two younger brothers in cold blood. I just happened to not be home at the time by sheer dumb luck. I’d left the house not a half-hour earlier to help a buddy stranded with car trouble. I’d actually driven right by the two hit men in their rented car. They were both older, both gray-haired. They looked like any other grandfathers you might see sitting on a park bench, feeding birds or something.”
“And were they ever caught?”
“Fortunately, yes, and quickly. They each received life sentences with no chance of parole, and then I was left trying to figure out how I was going to move on with my life without my family. That’s when I decided I wanted to become a police officer. I wanted to protect people, because I wasn’t able to protect my own family. So, I enrolled in police academy, and the rest, as they say, is history. As you know, I ultimately wound up as a half-man, half-bear wild beast, leading a community of other wild beasts and supernaturally gifted women whose job it is to fight crazed sorcerers. Obviously, my life turned out very normal.”
Jim smiled, and I gave him a little smile in return, thinking. Thinking specifically about everything he’d went through and had overcome, and how he hadn’t let the fact that he hadn’t been able to protect his family stop him from protecting other people.
Making a sudden decision, I squeezed his hand. “I won’t say that I’ll fight, but I’ll be a backup. I’ll watch the fight from the trees, like Jen says she does sometimes. I’ll stay hidden, unless it’s clear that I’m needed. Then I’ll join in the fight. Does that sound okay to you?”
Jim squeezed my hand in return. “More than okay. It’s a deal.”
CHAPTER 16
Three days later, a small group of Angels attacked, and with a set of binoculars, I watched from the trees at the southern edge of the farthest clearing to the north. I only watched for about a minute, though, long enough to see the Angels, who were all men with nearly chalk-white faces and long, stringy hair, take to the field and begin unleashing their mayhem via shooting streams of electricity from their palms, streams of electricity that appeared to be at least double the thickness and power of streams shot by my fellow Gifteds.
The Angels had a way of almost flying instead of walking or running, moving forward or backward or any other way they wanted with their feet just barely skimming the ground. They didn’t even have to move their feet. It was as if they moved by being pulled by some invisible string, shooting jets of electricity as they went along. They were incredibly fast, too, sometimes just appearing as blurs of darkness for seconds as a time, because all-black clothes seemed to be their official uniform.
Though the group of them on the field wasn’t large, especially compared to all the Timberliners that were fighting, the Angel sorcerers were fearsome to look at, and it was clear that even a small group of them could do serious damage. However, this wasn’t why I only watched the scene for a minute. I only watched for that long because instead of what was actually in front of my eyes, I began seeing images of my mom in the burning car, screaming for me to help her. I felt the same panic again, the same fear, that I’d felt nearly twenty years earlier at eight years old. I began sweating, even though the sunny spring day was somewhat on the chillier side. I began trembling so badly that I could barely hold the binoculars up to my face.
I ran. I ran through the trees, back to the dirt trail, across the training field, and all the way back to the village, crying.
When I reached the dirt lane that ran between the rows of cabins, I nearly ran right into Alexis, who was the pregnant Gifted. She’d been strolling along, walking her tiny teacup chihuahua, but I’d been crying so hard, periodically covering my face with my hands, I hadn’t even seen her until I was just a few feet from her. I hadn’t even heard her little dog yip in warning, if he even had.
After slamming on my brakes to avoid hitting Alexis, I immediately began apologizing. “I’m sorry. So sorry. I was just running so fast that I-”
“Avery, what’s wrong? What’s happened? Is everyone okay?”
Knowing she was probably specifically thinking of her husband, and understandably so, I nodded, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. “Everyone’s fine. They’re holding their own. There aren’t many Angels.”
“Then what’s—”
“Just me. Just me is wrong. I’m just not brave like the others. Never have been, never will be.”
Alexis frowned, making a crease between her light hazel eyes. “Well, what do you mean? What happened?”
A fresh wave of tears began cascading down my face, and I stood, swatting them away.
“I told Jim. I told him. I’m a coward. Completely useless to ever help anyone. I told him, but a few days ago he inspired me to try. I thought I could at least be a backup, and in a small way, protect people like he does, but I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t even... couldn’t even stand in the trees.”
Devolving into sobs again, I began backing away from Alexis, moving toward my cabin. “When he gets back, please tell him to send me a text letting me know if everyone is okay, but I don’t want to see anyone. Please tell him that. I don’t want to see anyone.”
Before Alexis could respond, I turned and began sprinting toward my cabin.
I cried into my pillow for I didn’t even know how long. Maybe an hour. Maybe ten minutes. In my state of emotional upset, I was feeling like my sense of time was skewed. At some point, I fell asleep. When I awoke, the sky beyond my bedroom was darkening with the approach of evening. There was a text from Jim on my phone, sent only two minutes earlier, and I read it while trying not to cry again. Everyone is okay, and four Angels are now dead. Please let me see you, Avery. I’m begging you.
Sniffling, I typed out a response. Relieved that everyone is okay, but really don’t want to see anyone. I’m not saying this in a way that I want you to insist on seeing me; I’m saying it in a way that I truly want to be left alone. Please just let me be, Jim. Also please tell Jen no window visits or anything like that. Just really can’t see anyone right now.
Not a minute later, I received a response. I love you so much, Avery. I’ll be checking in by text. I responded by saying I loved him so much, too.
Now full-crying again, I once more buried my face in my pillow, eventually falling asleep again. I awoke briefly around midnight, finding another loving text on my phone, this one from Jen. A crying face was followed by at least two dozen pink hearts, and then just three words. Love u Avre. I texted her back, thanking her and saying I loved her, too, followed by a string of hearts. After using the restroom, drinking some water, and brushing my teeth, I changed into pajamas and fell back asleep, this time not waking again until morning.
I remained secluded in my cabin for two days. I cried, I painted, I slept. Several times, Jim texted saying that he loved me so much and was thinking about me. Each time, I just responded by saying that I loved him so much, too.
The morning of the third day, I actually laughed, something I’d been feeling like I might never do again. What had brought about my brief burst of laughter had been a text from Jim. Missing my BB PJs right now... and picturing her in those beautiful bright blue pajamas. The image is so real... in fact... I think I see my BB right now... heart is leaping... no, wait. Flash of bright blue I saw was just gallon of paint Jen spilled in lane last night (don’t ask). Will keep on missing BB. -PB
At that moment, I was actually wearing my famous bright blue pajamas.
Smiling a little, I replied to Jim with a lengthy text of my own. You make me happy. Come over if you can. BB misses her PB. Let’s just not discuss the other day, though. I don’t ever want to talk about it, and please
tell everyone else that, too. Finishing coffee now, then hopping in shower. Maybe I’ll see you in a half-hour or so? I miss your face, your voice, your scent, and the feel of your arms around me.
Jim knocked on my front door a half-hour later, just about on the dot. The moment I saw his face, it really hit me just how very much I’d missed him. I felt like it had been years since we’d seen each other, not days.
With butterflies in my stomach, I quickly ushered him inside and shut the door. Just out of the shower, I was wearing only a towel, but not for long. Suddenly desperate to feel Jim’s lips, I kissed him, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, and he pulled my towel off and let it fall to the floor before taking me in his arms.
After a minute or two, our kiss really began to intensify, and Jim’s hands had long since begin roaming over my bare skin, stoking my desire. I could feel he was already rock-hard, his large erection pressing against the soft curve of my stomach. And after a short while longer, feeling it against my stomach wasn’t nearly enough anymore.
Somewhat breathless, I broke our kiss. “Let’s go into my bedroom now. I want to show you just how much I’ve missed you.”
With his mouth curving in a slow grin, Jim scooped me up and began carrying me off to my bedroom. “I like the sound of that.”
*
When Jim set me down on my bed, I told him that I wanted to watch him undress. “If you don’t mind, anyway.”
A little glint in his eyes told me that he didn’t at all.
“As long as I can glance over at your beautiful, naked body, I’m glad to do whatever you want me to.”
