by Roman, Mark
Within minutes, the laser-rifle had decimated the forward engine room’s entire rodent and insect populations. The floor became littered with the corpses of flies, spiders, cockroaches, moths, fleas, mice and rats. This sudden dirtying of the floor was detected by the room’s cleaning droid, which automatically whirred into life. Its lights flickered on and its engines revved up. But no sooner had it lurched into action and started busily sucking and sweeping the floor than it was blasted out of action by the laser-rifle.
The Reader may recall that the neutrino bomb had taken a photograph of anaX shortly after she had planted it. The reason for this must now be apparent. It was a safety measure in case she returned to deactivate the bomb. The optical scanners would be able to recognize her and prevent the laser-rifle blasting her head off the moment she came into view. It was a nice touch, cleverly thought out by the bomb’s designers at Sigh Co.
So, the bomb now seemed to be operating correctly. It continued to scan the area around it, detecting anything that moved, comparing the object against its stored image of anaX, and then, on finding a mismatch, blasting it out of existence.
But, once again, there was something wrong. Something the people at Sigh Co had not allowed for. The flux of cosmic rays in the Pseudogravitic Continuum was far, far higher than that in Normal Spacetime. Thus, once again, the next timing device had been triggered much too soon! So soon, in fact, that the bomb now had only forty-five minutes left to detonation. Forty-five minutes to go before one of the largest man-made explosions ever. An explosion that would wipe out everything in the Pseudogravitic Continuum and bring about the End of the Mamms’ Universe...
*
Jeremy was anxiously wandering about the landscape – clearly searching for something. At last he found something, although it wasn’t quite what he’d been looking for. He found Henry, the smallest of the Benjaminites.
“Hello, you miserable wretch,” he said to the small, cringeing blob in front of him.
The small green blob cringed some more. It knew that, this being a Monday, it was particularly vulnerable to all forms of abuse.
“Seen any bricks lying around?” asked Jeremy, his eyes still scanning the ground.
Henry, clearly surprised at Jeremy’s relative civility, sat up and said, “No, oh Master.”
“Dog!” spat Jeremy, looking up. “Where are the others?”
“They’re looking for you.” Henry cringed for effect. The effect it produced was not a good one.
“How dare you answer back! Why are they looking for me?”
“They want to prevent you harming the humans.”
“The Dogs,” corrected Jeremy. “And I’m warning you. No answering back.” Jeremy looked around at the flat landscape. “Which way did they go?”
This time the small green blob didn’t answer back.
Jeremy looked at Henry contemptuously. “Damn your impudence,” he said. He turned and walked away.
He walked a few paces and stopped. “Aha,” he shouted with joy. “A brick! The very thing I was looking for.” He stooped to pick it up. He turned and held it aloft for Henry to see.
“Congratulations,” said Henry, genuinely pleased.
“I thought I told you to be quiet!” said Jeremy angrily. He threw the brick at Henry.
It missed by a number of yards.
“Coward!!” screamed Jeremy.
*
anaX had now completed many journeys between the boat hangar’s Spares room and the food store of the emergency deep-space survival module. At each trip she had carried armloads of electronic equipment, industrial lubricants and engineering tools. In fact, the only bits of food in the food store were the few pieces of cheese she had put in the rattraps.
She glanced at her watch to see how she was doing. According to her calculations there were four hours to go before the bomb went off, and she would need to leave a full two hours before then to be clear. That left her two hours in which to complete preparation of the emergency deep-space survival module. Two whole hours, and so many things still left to do. She wondered how people managed in actual emergencies.
“Did you know,” LEP was saying, “that the common or garden Tenalp earthworm can sustain a tensile stress of 3.5 gigapascals?”
anaX paused to consider this. “That doesn’t sound right,” she said finally.
“No, it probably isn’t,” admitted LEP. “I just made it up.”
“I see.”
anaX focused her attention on repairing the damaged circuitry of the survival module’s grav field. Suddenly a smile formed on her lips. She looked up. “You know, LEP,” she said. “I almost like you.”
“Almost?”
“Yes. You’re different from other... computers.”
“Oh?” said LEP, flattered. “Is it my wit, is it my charm, is it my amazing personality?”
anaX thought for a bit. “No, none of those. I think it must be your nitrous quatrode valves.”
LEP was silent for a while, slightly stunned at the risqué nature of anaX’s joke. Then he said, “How did you know I’ve got nitrous quatrode valves?”
“Oh, a woman can tell,” she answered.
Silence.
“Let’s change the subject,” said LEP.
“Alright,” said anaX, smiling. Deep down she was beginning to feel a genuine affection for this fool of a ship’s computer.
So they changed the subject, though not very greatly. They talked about computers – a subject in which both seemed to have a strong interest. LEP’s strong interest in computers stemmed mainly from his strong interest in himself, while anaX’s strong interest stemmed mainly from... well... mainly from her strong interest in computers.
So they chatted about computers while anaX continued her preparations. They talked about computer animations, computer music, computer-written books and computer-generated works of Art. After a long while, they lapsed into silence.
anaX found herself feeling strangely warm and happy inside, despite herself – a sensation she had not experienced in a very long time. LEP, on the other hand, felt more certain he was in love than ever before.
anaX carried out one more test to check the size and shape of the output pulse from the circuit she had just repaired. As she had expected, it was just right. She plugged the circuit back into its holder and switched on the grav field. It worked first time. She carried out a few more basic checks and then switched it off to conserve energy. She sat back in her seat, thinking and smiling.
She found herself thinking fondly of LEP. When all was said and done he was really very sweet. It would be such a shame to have to blow him up.
*
Jeremy went to retrieve the brick he had thrown at Henry. As he stooped to pick it up he suddenly found himself surrounded by the other Benjaminites. He looked up, startled, wondering where they had come from. They did not look very pleased.
“We saw that,” said Randolph, looking the least pleased of all.
“Saw what?” asked Jeremy innocently, trying to hide the brick behind his back.
“We saw you throw that brick at Henry.”
“What me?” asked Jeremy, even more innocently than before.
“Yes, Jeremy. You.”
Randolph glared at Jeremy. Jeremy looked innocently back. Then Jeremy suddenly lost his innocent look and shrugged. “So what,” he said. “It was only Henry after all.”
“Yes,” agreed Randolph. “It was only Henry. But that means you can insult him, abuse him verbally, and order him about. It does not mean – I repeat – it does not mean that you can throw bricks at him. Understand?”
“I was practising,” said Jeremy in his defence. “And besides, I missed.”
“Practising? Practising for what?”
“For the humans. I need to practise so that I can kill them with my brick. They need to be destroyed before they destroy the Universe!”
“Jeremy. You are not to throw bricks – or anything else, for that matter – at the humans.”
“But they are The Dogs.”
“You are not to throw bricks, or anything else, at the humans,” repeated Randolph patiently.
“Is that an order?”
“Yes,” said Randolph, nodding solemnly.
“Well I don’t take orders. I’m a Master, not a Dog. Those humans are The Dogs. And I now have the proof that I sought. I can now make thee believe that I speak in accordance with the words of Benjamin. I will open your minds to the Wisdom of the Wise. I will...”
“Please,” said Randolph.
Jeremy looked at him. “Listen,” he said. “I have spoken to them. Or rather, I have spoken at them. Shouted at them. I told them – nay, ordered them – with all the authority of a Master, I ordered them to die. And do you know what they did?”
“Surprise me.”
“They ignored me and ran away. Ran like the cowardly dogs that they are. There. That’s surely proof enough. It is as Benjamin the Wise said it would be. It is as he predicted. It is in accordance with his prophecies.”
“It is no such thing,” said Randolph.
Jeremy looked at him in horror as though Randolph had just uttered the ultimate blasphemy. “It is in The Book,” said Jeremy. “Read The Book and ye shall know.”
“I wrote The Book,” said Randolph, shaking his head slowly. “I think I should know what’s in it.”
“Ah, but do you? What makes you think you can interpret Benjamin’s prophecies correctly? I have read them all. It’s all there. It’s all in The Book, for all to see. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go and kill The Dogs.”
“You will do no such thing,” said Randolph, preparing to restrain him physically if necessary.
“But I must! It has been willed of me. I have to do what is Wrong in order to do what is Right. It is as it is, for the Purpose of Being, for the Good of the Species.”
Jeremy waited for the others to offer the traditional response, but, as none did, he made it himself, “In the Light of the Dark.”
The other Mamms merely stared at him wordlessly.
He stared back, convinced they were seriously pondering his words.
“Are you convinced that I speak of The Word?” he asked them at last.
Randolph gave a slight cough. “Not just yet, Jeremy,” he said.
“Well aren’t you at least going to take a vote on it?”
Randolph looked at the others, but they were all shaking their heads at him. “Maybe later,” he said at last. “We will go to the humans and we will test them. We will see if they really are The Dogs.”
Jeremy was beside himself with impatience. “But time could be running out! They may already be preparing the Universe’s destruction. We have to act fast!”
“Everything in good time.”
“We will test them and then we will kill them?”
“Only if there is no doubt that they are The Dogs.”
“There is no doubt.”
“There is in our minds, Jeremy. And there are more of us than there is of you.”
“Ah, but there’s one important factor that you’re not taking into account.”
“And that would be?”
Jeremy paused before making his dramatic revelation. “Because I am the Chosen One,” he said, playing his trump card. “Did you not realize that?”
“No,” said Randolph calmly. “The thought never once crossed my mind.”
“Well, let it cross it now. For I am the Chosen One.”
“According to who?”
“According to me. And I must be right for I am the Chosen One.”
Randolph sighed deeply. “Have you any proof for this claim?”
“Proof?” asked Jeremy exasperated. “What’s this thing you have about proof, Randolph? It’s like an obsession with you. If everyone went about proving everything they said and did, no one would ever get anywhere.”
“What proof have you that you are the Chosen One?” persisted Randolph patiently.
“The fact that I’m right.”
“Right about what?”
“About being the Chosen One.”
Randolph shook his head slowly. “Your line of reasoning is not entirely convincing,” he said.
“Aha!” exclaimed Jeremy. “More proof! I am the Chosen One for Benjamin said that the Chosen One would be widely doubted and disbelieved!”
“He said no such thing,” said Randolph with a sigh.
“There! You doubt me again. That’s proof enough for me. I am the Chosen One.”
*
fluX had stopped abruptly and stood transfixed to the spot, staring palely into the distance.
jixX looked back and then, more than a little reluctantly, went back to see what the matter was.
“Mein Gott,” fluX was saying.
“What’s up?”
“THE DOGS!”
“And?”
“Ze end of ze Universe.”
“Unscientific mumbo jumbo, you said.”
“Ya, I know zat is vot I said. But can’t you see ze significance?”
jixX glanced at the receding figures of Chris and sylX as though reaching out for help. He turned back to fluX. “No, I think I must be missing something.”
“Ze quantum word number! Ze quantum word number!”
jixX looked blank.
“I explain it to you already. GOD has a quantum word number of 26. DEVIL is twice that at 52. What’s the quantum number for THE DOGS?”
jixX gave an expansive shrug.
“Sink, man, sink!” pleaded fluX looking more agitated than jixX had ever seen him. “T is twenty, H is eight,...”
“Yes, yes. I remember that.”
“If you add it all up it comes to 78. Vich is exactly three times ze number of letters in ze alphabet!! So zey are all multiples of twenty-six: 26, 52 and 78. One times, two times, three times.”
“Yes...?” started jixX cautiously.
“So GOD is Number One,” said fluX, counting the numbers on his fingers. “The DEVIL is Number Two and THE DOGS are Number Three. One creates the Universe, Two messes with it, and Three destroys it! See how it all fits?”
“But...”
“Zat is not coincidence, my friend. Zat is hugely significant. Zis discovery has stunned me to ze core. I sink we are in great danger, captain, and must leave this loony planet and its loony aliens as soon as ve can.”
Chapter 4
But then again, thought anaX as she sat in the deep-space survival module, perhaps I shouldn’t blow LEP up after all. He is quite cute. She put her hands behind her head and leaned back, musing for a while, debating what to do. To continue with the Cause, or to abandon her mission?
It was a difficult decision, but suddenly she leaned forward. She had made up her mind. She would be staying.
She checked her watch. There were still three and a half hours before the neutrino bomb was due to detonate. So, she had plenty of time to deactivate it. No rush.
Then she thought of the risks – the bomb’s anti-tampering devices, the laser-rifle, the trembler-switch – and nearly changed her mind. How good a likeness would the bomb’s image of her be? She knew she didn’t photograph well. Would it recognize her?
“Be brave,” she told herself. With a determined look, she got up off her seat and left the emergency deep-space survival module. As she left the boat hangar she paused, thinking what to do about LEP. She liked LEP. She liked him a lot now. And, as any woman who likes a man, she would need to change him; to improve him. She believed she could do it as she knew enough basic electronics. And her first priority would be LEP’s wit-box...
She dithered outside the boat hangar. The temptation to start work on LEP’s wit-box right away was strong. But the danger was that she’d get so wrapped up in her work that she would completely forget about the bomb – until it was too late.
Reluctantly, she headed towards the forward engine room.
Which was just as well, as there were less than ten minutes to go before the neutr
ino bomb was due to blow. But, then again, perhaps it was already too late...
*
BUF was certainly worried that it might be too late. The main computer of the forward engine room was getting desperate. He frantically scanned and rescanned all his memory banks for information on neutrino bombs. There had to be some standard procedure for dealing with them. All his searches so far had drawn a blank. But now, at last, he had found a file that looked promising. Could this be it? As he opened it, a faint glimmer of hope flickered to life in his circuits...
*
The ten Benjaminites were in Alf – a small city with only two high-rise sponges. Randolph was sorting out some equipment and handing it out to the other Mamms to carry.
Jeremy paced about impatiently, occasionally giving Randolph disapproving looks. As far as he could see, time was running out and they were not getting any closer to destroying The Dogs. The fate of the Universe was in the balance. The End was nigh.
Finally, Jeremy stopped his pacing and asked, “Look, why exactly are we doing all this?”
Randolph looked up at Jeremy and smiled. “For the Good of the Species,” he answered, his smile broadening.
“In the Light of the Dark,” responded all the other Mamms, also smiling at Jeremy. He glared at them hatefully.
“Here,” said Randolph, handing Jeremy the heaviest piece of equipment. He looked at Jeremy’s unhappy face and had to look away again as it was such a pitiable sight. “With this equipment,” he explained gently, “we’ll be able to prove whether the humans are The Dogs or not.”
“Well obviously we’ll prove that they are!” said Jeremy with conviction.
“Perhaps,” said Randolph. “But what if the tests prove negative?”
“Then that’ll be even stronger proof that they are The Dogs! It will be as Benjamin predicted.”
Randolph wished he hadn’t started the conversation. “Enough!” he said, turning his back on him and getting on with his work.
