by Dixon, Ruby
I pull away before his lips can brush mine again. “They need you here. My brothers need me, too.”
“I need you,” Sentorr tells me, cupping my face in his hands. “Zoey, I love you.”
But if I love him, I have to give up my family and my ship. Horrified at the thought, I pull out of his grasp. “What you want, I can’t give you. I’m sorry.” I slide off of his lap, scoop up my tunic, and race back to my room. It’s amazing I manage to do it so quickly, but panic does wonders for speed.
Once the doors shut behind me, I sag against the wall and let the tears come.
I never thought what falling in love would mean for my brothers. I can’t be selfish and cost them a navigator. I can’t. I owe them my life. I owe them more than I can ever possibly imagine, and I’ll always owe them. I can’t sacrifice the happiness of three men who’ve been amazing to me just because I’ve lost my heart to a stern, too-proper former soldier who loves me despite the fact that I’m human.
I bury my face in my hands and weep.
11
SENTORR
Zoey avoids me all morning. She’s not in the mess hall when I head in for breakfast, and when I go to her door and knock, she doesn’t answer. Eventually I head to the bridge to lose myself in navigation charts and guiding the Fool, but even that feels different now. She’s been such a part of why I enjoy spending time there that it feels like something’s missing. It’s impossible to concentrate, and the slow tick of hours passing makes me irritable. I snarl at anyone that comes by to speak to me, and even though Alyvos is supposed to be watching the bridge right now, I send him off to spend time with Iris.
If I can’t talk to Zoey, I don’t want company.
I want to stew.
So I prod at my charts, making minor course corrections to give myself something to do other than think about her hands on my cock, the wet slide of my shaft between her folds and the little gasping noises she made, the heavy sway of her beautiful breasts, the look in her eyes when she came. The way she felt. The way she tasted.
I want her in my life. I want all my nights like last night, with Zoey in my arms, her skin against mine.
I won’t give her up, I decide. I just need to think of a plan to keep her with me, to convince her that I need her more than her brothers.
I’m so busy concentrating on and discarding different plans to make Zoey stay on the Fool that I don’t notice she’s entered the bridge until she’s standing right next to my station. I turn, both pleased and surprised to see her. “Zoey, you—”
My mate rushes forward and kisses me, as impulsive and sweet as ever. I bite back a groan, returning the hot, hungry kiss with one of my own. Our mouths meld for a blissful interlude and then she breaks free, panting as she rests her smooth forehead against my rugged one.
“I’ve made a decision,” she murmurs.
“What’s that?” I try to keep the excitement out of my voice. She’s come to her senses, then. She’s realized that we’re meant to be together.
Her fingers curl around my collar, pulling me close. “We find someone else to watch the bridge for now and head to your room. We kef like mad for the next few days and squeeze in as much together time as possible until my brothers return. Then, in a few months, when we both have a hole in our schedule again, we meet up once more and do it all over.” And she smiles at me.
I pull away, a frown on my face. “You’d be happy to be apart for months on end?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be happy about it, no, but it’s the best compromise—”
“You’re my mate. I’m yours. I don’t want to compromise.” I reach out and take her hand in mine. “I want you at my side.”
“I want that too, Sentorr, but I can’t abandon my brothers.” Her eyes are pleading for me to understand.
“So you’ll abandon me.”
“No!”
“Zoey.” I cup her lovely, fragile face in my hands. “I want you. I want you all the time. I love you. It would destroy me to only have fragments of your time and to know that you’re out at the far ends of space and I might not see you for months on end. Or years. I know as well as you do that our ships head in very different directions much of the time. I can’t claim you as mine and then watch you go. That’s not something I can do.”
“Sentorr, please.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Take what I can give.”
“I want all of you,” I tell her simply. “If I can’t have that, then I will wait until I can.”
ZOEY
The next three days are the longest of my life.
It’s obvious to everyone on the ship that something’s gone wrong between me and Sentorr. The fun dates we were supposed to have are canceled. He spends all his time on the bridge, staring at his monitors while the ship runs on automated lanes. He’s clearly not paying attention, but he also won’t spend his time with me.
He says it’s better if we don’t get too attached.
Problem is, I’m already attached. I feel as if my heart is breaking every day. I see him on the bridge, distant and sad, and I want to kiss him and hold him.
He won’t let me, though. He looks at me, expectant, and when I shake my head, the light dies in his eyes and he turns back to staring at his monitors.
The others are aware, I think, of the fact that we’ve had a falling out of sorts. Fran and Cat and Iris do their best to be good hostesses, talking about Earth and sharing their contraband snacks as if I remember any of them. It’s been so long that my tastes are more mesakkah than human…but I appreciate that they’re trying. Even the other guys on the crew seem to be nice, though Alyvos just scowls at me constantly, despite Iris’s chiding hand-squeezes. It’s obvious he feels I was playing with Sentorr’s feelings.
Maybe I was. Maybe I still am.
I just never thought further ahead, of what would happen if we truly fell in love. I know I could be happy with him. I like the rest of the crew on the Fool. It’s impossible not to—I don’t even mind Alyvos’s scowls, because he’s just defending his buddy Sentorr, and I love Sentorr.
But my brothers need me. Kaspar’s a shit navigator and would burn a fortune in fuel, because he doesn’t think ahead. Adiron just doesn’t think at all. Mathiras thinks too much. They need me for balance. I’m the one that tells Kaspar to cool his heels. I’m the one that Adiron picks on and teases because Mathiras will lose his shit if Adiron glues his boots shut again. And I’m the one Mathiras talks to late at night when he’s full of worries and needs someone to unload on.
My brothers are three extremes and they need a moderating presence with them. Someone good with navigation and money that will rein in Kaspar when he gets one of his wild, reckless ideas. Someone that will endure Adiron’s endless teasing and his dopey jokes and lack of ambition. Someone that will help Mathiras shoulder the burden of running a successful pirate crew because his other two brothers aren’t good at responsibility.
They saved me ten years ago. I save them every single day.
But…they need me in a different way than Sentorr needs me. Crew-wise, he doesn’t need me at all. The Fool has a nav. He’s a good enough navigator, of course. He’s a great one. But I think in different ways than he does, and I know if we worked together we could come up with exciting paths and fuel-efficient ideas, and ways to skate around heavily watched star-lanes of traffic. We’d be unstoppable. But he doesn’t NEED me.
Not like that.
He needs me to hold him close at night. He needs me to kiss him. He’s lonely. I can tell he’s lonely. He’s always been lonely, ever since he left his family behind on Homeworld and ended up stationed on a distant shithole of a planet with no one around to talk to. He’s lonely like I am, where you’re surrounded by people but you still feel isolated.
I understand him.
And I love touching him and kissing him. I think of spending every night in his arms and want to cry with how badly I want it.
But obligation and family come first. They have to.
* *
*
The next day, I stand near the hatch, watching as the docking tube extends from the Little Sister over to the Fool. The others have said their goodbyes and wished me well, and now it’s just me and a silent Sentorr waiting for the final connection to be established so I can cross over between ships.
I feel dead inside.
All these days we had together? Wasted. We could have spent them in bed, loving each other and soaking in every moment we have together. Instead, the hours were miserable and alone. He wants me desperately, but he won’t kiss me or hold me or make love to me because I can’t give him forever. The sad thing is that I want to give him forever, but it’s not mine to give. I have a duty to my brothers.
There’s a hiss as the docking tube connects, and then a flash of green lights. “That’s my cue,” I say, keeping my voice bright and a smile pinned to my face even though I’m screaming inside.
He grabs my wrist, and I turn toward him, hope in my eyes. Say that you’re coming with me, I silently beg. You be the one to abandon your crew.
“Stay,” he asks me, his voice ragged with emotion. “Zoey, stay with me. Let’s not end it like this.”
“You could come with me.”
Sentorr hesitates, then shakes his head. “There’s no one trained. I won’t leave them without a navigator.”
“Then we both have the same problem,” I tell him lightly. “You can’t leave your crew and I won’t leave mine.”
“I love you,” he tells me fiercely, pulling me close and giving me a hot, hungry kiss that’s full of all the need and longing tearing at us both. “Stay with me. Don’t choose them over you and me.”
I flinch, because everything in me wants to scream that he’s wrong…but I know he’s not. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, and pull away.
He lets me go, his face empty of emotion. I tap the hatch release and then step into the docking tunnel…and glance back at him. Sentorr watches me, stone-faced. My lip quivers and I raise a hand to wave goodbye.
My beautiful man extends his hand toward me, too, but not in a wave. He holds it out to me, a silent request for me to put my hand in his and rejoin him. To stay at his side.
It feels as if everything in me is breaking. I turn away and head blindly through the docking tube. I hear the hiss of the seal behind me, and then the Little Sister’s hatch opens and Adiron is there, waiting for me. I fall into his arms, sobbing as the hatch slides shut once more.
I’m home. Sentorr’s gone.
Adiron wraps his big arms around me and strokes my hair. “Hey, Zo. It’s going to be okay. It is.” When all I can do is cry, he hugs me tighter. “Do I need to go over there and kick his ass?”
And then I’m laughing and sobbing at the same time, because I’m pretty sure Sentorr with his military training could kick Adiron’s ass…but I love that he’d still volunteer it for my sake.
It doesn’t make things hurt less, but it helps all the same.
12
SENTORR
I try not to tap my fingers impatiently as the crew slowly gathers in the mess hall. Kivian asked for the meeting today and I’m the first one here—as I always am. Alyvos and Iris show up next and sit down at the far end of the table, holding hands. Alyvos watches his mate with such intense, quiet joy that I can’t look at him. It reminds me what I’ve lost. Cat and Tarekh show up a minute after the meeting’s due to start, her arms around his neck as she catches a ride on her mate’s back, whispering in his ear and grinning as if they just rolled out of bed. Judging from Tarekh’s satisfied expression, it’s a safe bet.
Naturally Kivian’s late to his own meeting, but that’s Kivian for you.
I cross my arms and lean back in my chair. I’m restless and irritable. Normally I’d be itching to return to the bridge and my workstation, but lately it hasn’t held the same appeal. There’s no flirty Zoey message waiting for me to return, no audio comm to connect to and chat over. Since she left the Fool a week ago, I’ve sent her a message. One.
I’ll be here waiting for you.
That’s it. More would just be harassment. She knows how I feel. If she changes her mind, I’ll welcome her with open arms and joy in my heart. It won’t happen, though.
Not for the first time, I consider what it’d be like if I left the Fool and joined their crew. No one here’s appropriately trained yet, though. Maybe in time…but for now, nav duties continue to fall solely on my shoulders.
“I can’t believe Kivian’s not here,” Tarekh says, gently depositing Cat on a chair before sitting down on his own. His irrepressible mate immediately abandons her chair and sits in his lap, slinging her arm around his neck.
“Can’t you?” Alyvos’s voice is dry with sarcasm. “Because I can believe it.”
“I’m sure he’ll be along soon,” Iris adds with a smile, a bright blue ribbon over her eye-scars today that matches her tunic. “We’re not meeting over anything bad, I hope.”
“Doubtful,” Alyvos tells his mate, toying with a lock of her dark hair.
I remain silent, watching them interact and fighting the gnawing jealousy in my gut. Zoey should be here, in my lap and murmuring naughty things like Cat’s doing to Tarekh. Or she should be at my side, leaning in to my caress like Alyvos and his Iris. I can guess what the meeting’s about. I can also guess why Kivian and Fran are late. Things are changing on the Fool once again.
Everything’s the same for me, though. I’m alone and it feels as if there’s a hole in my chest because my mate’s not here at my side.
The door opens and Kivian heads inside, wearing a plain tunic over his trou, which isn’t like him. He looks slightly disheveled, but less so than Fran, who has a sickly cast to her golden skin and a faint sheen of sweat on her brow.
“Um, are you guys okay?” Cat asks.
Kivian helps Fran to a seat at the head of the table, guiding her with a firm arm around her waist. She gives him a grateful look as she sits and he retrieves a glass of water for her. “Kivian’s fine,” Fran says after a moment, her voice tired. She rubs her brow.
“I am most certainly not fine,” Kivian retorts. “I don’t like seeing you like this, love. Say the word and I’ll steal a doctor.”
“You’re sick?” Iris asks, her face turning toward Fran’s seat.
Tarekh just smirks, leans in to Cat and whispers something in her ear. Her eyes go wide, her jaw dropping.
I know exactly what ails her. After all, I’m the one that arranged her meeting with an ooli selling fertility enhancers three station visits ago. Looks like they took.
“I’m pregnant,” Fran says. “It’s just a bit of morning sickness.”
“Morning sickness?” Kivian’s horrified. “Not just morning, love. It’s three in the afternoon. And you vomited all over my favorite tunic, the bed, my boots, and the lavatory. If this is morning sickness it needs to confine itself to morning alone. My clothes won’t be able to take much more.” But he leans in and strokes Fran’s dark hair away from her brow. “Should we kidnap a doctor? I’m game.”
Tarekh—our medic—clears his throat.
“Oh, kef off,” Kivian tells him with a growl. “This is different.”
“Because it’s your mate?” he asks, amused.
“Precisely.”
Fran just rolls her eyes. “We came here to tell you guys this, and to talk about living quarters.”
Alyvos slides his arm protectively over the back of Iris’s chair. “What about them?”
“Simply put, we need more of them. This ship has served us well for many years, but we’re no longer a four-person crew. The way I look at it, we can have the Fool overhauled and more space added…or we can pool our funds and purchase a newer, bigger ship.”
“Overhauled?” Fran asks. “How do you add rooms onto a ship?”
“Not easily,” Tarekh says. “I’m not a fan of doing that. It destroys the structural integrity. Plus, with the engine we have, we’re supposed to be lighter. We’d need a new darkmatter converter if we’re
going to pull more mass along, and those aren’t cheap.”
Kivian looks to me. “Sentorr?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him that I don’t care. That it doesn’t matter to me if we’re flying a junkerbus or the Fool, because I’m still a hollowed-out shell of a person without Zoey. But I try to look at things in a practical sense, to be part of the team. “The Fool’s old,” I admit. “She’s served us well, but there are newer, sleeker models coming out every year. We could switch ships for a fraction of the cost of what it’d cost to rebuild her into something with more living space.”
Zoey would like more living space, too, I think…if she were here.
“Alyvos?” Kivian asks.
“Don’t care either way,” he says, and then pauses. “But…I’d like Iris to have more room. Maybe enough space for a child of our own at some point.”
Iris’s cheeks flush and she smiles sweetly at her mate.
“Good.” Kivian rubs his hands together. “It seems we’re all on the same page, then. I’ve been talking to my brother Jutari and he knows someone with a Class II Homeworld warbird that they’d be willing to part with for the right price. It’s off the records and everything, which is important for our business.”
Tarekh’s frowning. “That’d only work if it was refurbished with a skater-class engine to pull the speed we need.”
Kivian just grins. “Funny you should mention that…”
13
ZOEY
Two Weeks Later
Something flicks against my hair as I sit at my station on the Little Sister. Star charts are spread on the screens before me, shipping lanes mapped and possible routes twisting through the nearest system are being traced by the algorithms in the computer to determine which one’s going to be the best for fuel, speed, and secrecy. I should be paying attention. Instead, I’m staring blankly out the window at a distant colorful nebula and wondering where Sentorr is. If he misses me.
