by Hadley Quinn
I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Because life isn’t like a game of cards. I learned this, and I learned it the hard way. Life consists of human qualities like love and forgiveness, second chances and redemption. You don’t get that in a stupid game of cards. If you lose your hand, there’s no going back to change your strategy for a different outcome. And fuck no, in a card game you don’t get makeup sex when you act like an ass or say something stupid.
That is the best part of fucking up in the real world.
And it helps when your woman is the most amazing person ever. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I have been blessed beyond measure. I feel like a fucking homeless dog that’s been taken in by a loving family.
Tank knows what that’s like. He’s in the front room to greet me as I enter the house. His favorite spot is right next to the couch, and his tail thumps up and down when he sees me.
“Hey buddy,” I say quietly. The house was pretty much silent. Even the birdcage has been covered with a sheet for night-night time. It’s the only way we can get Fucktard to shut the hell up now and then. Don’t get me wrong, I love chatting with the bastard, but there are some changes in this household that just don’t allow that asshole to run his mouth all the time.
Tank pulls his lazy ass off the floor to greet me. He’s huge already, up to my knees, and he’s only going to get bigger. It was probably one of the dumbest moves I’ve ever made—bringing a puppy into this crazy new mix in my life—but I was pathetic and desperate and knew that Melanie wanted him. I would have adopted five of him if I had to. Yeah, I used a sad and useless animal to lure Melanie back into my life and I’m not even fucking ashamed of it, either.
But Tank has been worth his weight. It took him several weeks to get over cowering anytime someone came near him or even looked at him, for that matter. He would even piss on the floor if he got too scared. This was a huge fucking problem for me because I always had to clean it up. I was ready to put a damn diaper on the dog anytime people came over. Thank God we realized it had to do with eye contact. A stranger can pet and talk to him without making him piss on the floor as long as we warn them not to look him in the eye.
I have no idea how long we will have to go through this, but as much as it is an inconvenience, it also makes me angry that someone did that to an innocent animal. We love Tank to pieces, despite his flaws because of a fucked up human being, and it was a glorious day when that bastard got reamed in court with a fine and jail time for animal abuse. I know there are many out there just like him, and that kills me inside, but I’m thankful we at least saved Tank from one heartless abuser.
Sometimes Tank is very timid and still acts as if someone is going to yell at him for anything he does. He even eats his food like he’s afraid to. It’s so sad. I don’t know if he will ever grow out of that phase or not, but we accept him anyways. He is a mellow dog by nature and would rather sleep all day, but he is also very much a lover. Even now he’s at my side to be pet and he would normally be with Melanie—which means she was probably occupied somewhere else. I’d walked into this house enough times in the past two months to gauge what everyone was doing at the moment.
I set the bags on the kitchen counter and put a few things away. Hell yes I went to the store for my woman, and if anyone wants to give me shit for that, you can kiss my ass. I even picked up feminine products. Because I can. And I have balls of steel.
Tank already has his nose in the air, sensing that I picked up a bone for him. But when he notices that I notice his interest, he hangs his head slightly and looks away. God, that kills me. The poor dog can’t even be excited for something without feeling guilty about it.
I hold the bone in front of him and talk to him softly, encouraging him to take it. Finally he ever so slowly reaches forward to take it from my hand. I pretty much have to wedge it in his mouth because he’s still unsure if he should be doing this. “Good boy,” I tell him. “Go lay on your bed. Good boy.”
He finally takes it and trots back to his bed by the couch. His tail is wagging and that makes me smile.
Eager to see my girl, I head down the hall quietly. It’s almost seven o’clock. It had been a long day at work and when I texted Mel to see how she was doing, I asked if she needed anything. I was in a fucking zombie state while at the store, but did it in a heartbeat. Now I was ready to crash for the night.
I walk into the bedroom and smile instantly. Melanie is asleep on the bed, fully clothed right on top. Her mouth is open and she’s breathing heavily. I’m not sure if I should laugh at how funny she looks or feel bad for how exhausted she probably is.
I just take a picture instead. I’ll decide later.
Next to her is the portable crib, and right there in the middle is a wiggly but smiling baby when I appear at the edge. I put my finger to my lips but he only smiles more, and that is enough to give me a second wind.
Picking him up I whisper, “Hey pal, how are you? Did you trick mommy into naptime so we could have bro time?”
I place him against my chest and his little legs are pumping up and down with excitement. God, I love that. It’s like he’s trying to jump for joy whenever he sees me. You gotta understand what that feels like. My tiny heart just wants to burst with happiness.
I look over at Melanie on the bed, still sound asleep. She’s gorgeous, every bit of her. When I place a blanket over her, she closes her mouth and curls up with the pillow. So fucking adorable.
I take another picture.
I want to kiss her but don’t want to risk waking her up, so I just carry Cade down the hall with me to the front room.
Caden Beckett. I was floored when Melanie named him that. Floored but so damn happy. And it just seemed to suit him, too. Beck had always been so smiley and happy-go-lucky, and Cade was always smiling too. No one could ever replace my friend, but baby Cade sure made life feel a lot fuller for me. I have Melanie and I have Cade, and I never would have dreamed that I would be this happy with two people.
“What’s up canine brother?” I speak for Cade and make him wave to Tank.
The dog wags his tail as he continues to work over his bone, and the baby drools a wad of spit all over my arm when he smiles. I flip on the television out of habit and sit down on the couch with my little guy. Even though Tyse had moved out, he’d left the TV behind for us. I never told him he had to move out but he did a couple weeks after Melanie moved in. I understand the flow of it. I did the same thing at Teague’s. There’s just a time when you know things should change, and once relationships and families start growing, it’s a given.
Tyse still comes over quite a lot. I’m okay with it. I have a half-brother that happens to be pretty cool and he accepts me for who I am. Kellie fucking loves him insanely much, and I’m happy for that. He’s able to give her some of the things I never have been good at. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister beyond measure. But I’ve just never been the brother that she can have long conversations with and I don’t listen patiently. No, the second she would mention some guy or any hurt feelings, I wanted to severely beat someone’s ass. I was never the type to sit idly by and talk reason with someone.
My brother has more of that to offer. And the chicks seem to gravitate toward him like a damn magnet. He has no plans to settle down with someone—he’s been too busy opening a new branch of McCallan business with my grandfather—but it’s gonna be interesting when the right girl does claim Tyse one of these days. He’ll be a tough one to pin down like me, but just in a different way.
“Blah!” Cade announces, breaking my thoughts.
“Oh really?” I chuckle, turning him to face me. “And what more do you have to tell me today? What did you and mommy do? I bet you got to suck on some titties, huh pal? That’s no fair. Seriously. I bust my butt at work and you get to stick your face in mommy’s chest six times a day. And then I bet you crapped your drawers a few times, too. And you played the innocent baby card and had mommy wipe your butt for you, right?�
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All I get is a big ass grin from him and it makes me laugh.
“You think that’s funny, huh?” I lean forward and kiss on his face, getting slobber all over the place.
Slobber doesn’t bother me. Neither does spit-up. It’s the shitty diapers that took me a while to get used to. In fact, it took almost a month before I even changed one. Melanie was out for a few hours with Camryn and it was just me and Little Man for a bit. I had no idea a four-week-old baby could shit that much. It was fucking everywhere. We were just watching football and he must not have liked that our team lost because he just exploded in his diaper. It was only a matter of seconds before it seeped onto my clothes too.
No way was I touching that. Straight to the shower, in our clothes, and I removed it all that way. I wrapped him up in a towel without a diaper at first because I had never attempted to put one on him. I’d seen Mel do it dozens of times and I had never been asked to, and I just figured she’d be home soon. Well the towel didn’t help much when he peed on me, so on to the diapers I went. It wasn’t the most difficult thing to figure out, and I’ve been changing them ever since.
I happen to glance at the coffee table and pick up a few of the papers on it. They’re from Cade’s checkup with the pediatrician earlier today. Caden Beckett Jacobs was at the top. I stare at his name for almost a minute. It’s not like I haven’t seen it in its full form, but tonight it kind of makes me sad. Melanie had given him her last name, not Jordan’s. The guy hadn’t even met Cade yet. He’d done nothing to help Melanie out financially, but he hadn’t even wanted to see his son’s face.
It infuriates me. On the one hand, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the prick. But on the other hand, it’s inconceivable to me that someone has absolutely no interest in their own biological child. Granted, I don’t feel like Jordan deserves to have Cade in his life, but I just can’t understand it.
I confronted Jordan Myers a couple of weeks ago. Melanie doesn’t know this, but I did. I missed a day of work and made a trip to Fresno where Jordan was now living again. He was scared shitless to see me waiting for him outside of the restaurant he worked at. He seriously thought I was there to kick his ass. But my heart was in a different place that day and I did something I’m still baffled by.
I begged him.
I literally begged him to give up his rights to Cade. I begged him to not only let me raise him without his interference, but to allow me to make it official with adoption. I asked Jordan Myers if he would sign the necessary papers so I could become the legal father of Melanie’s baby.
He laughed at me. Like…full out laughed his ass off. Normally my first instinct would be to punch him in the fucking throat. But I couldn’t. He truly had me at his mercy and there was nothing I could do about it. It was obvious he wasn’t going to give me any slack.
He walked away from me for his car. I was just going to let him go, but then two beautiful faces popped into my head and my heart twisted with such agony that I can’t even explain it. Melanie and Cade were all I cared about. I could lose my shop and have no money at all, but those two amazing souls were literally the air I breathed. I wanted to be more for them. I wanted Cade to have everything I never had as a kid. He didn’t deserve to have a deadbeat dad that he had to deal with for the rest of his life.
I really have had to swallow my pride so many times in the last few months.
I followed Jordan and continued to ramble on. I don’t even remember what I told him that day, but at the end, before he got in his car to drive away, he said, “Groveling is a good look for you, McCallan.”
The irony. Jordan Myers had the power to break my heart that day when all I had ever wanted to do was break his face.
Since then it has been all I think about. I don’t know what I can do or say to convince Jordan that it is the best thing for Cade. Do I think I was the best person to raise him? Not really. But I love him and his mom more than anything and would do everything in my power to make both of them happy.
I used to give Teague shit about some of the little things about him that have changed since he got married, but now I completely understand. It’s not like our personalities change much, but just how we react to certain situations. It’s more about blending two lives together, not changing each other. Melanie has certainly done this flawlessly with me. I don’t know how she doesn’t beat the shit out of me every once in a while. We still have our fun little rounds of witticism and playfulness, but in the end it’s really obvious I worship the ground she walks on.
“Hey, baby, you’re home.”
Her voice is like the frosting on a cupcake. I don’t care how pathetic that sounds. It just makes you close your eyes and smile because it totally completes the treat of having the cupcake.
“Hey,” I answer, turning around to see her.
She steps past us and sits down right beside me, cuddling up against my side. Cade is excited to see her but I’m not letting the little monster have her just yet until I get some attention first. Holding him out of her reach, I pull her close and kiss the living hell out of her face and lips. Not even a grunting baby is going to make me stop until I feel like it.
“Well hello,” she smiles when I finally let her have her mouth back. “I missed you today.”
She says this every day and I never get tired of hearing it. I end up handing Cade over because he’s starting to get really pissed off now. Nobody keeps him from his mama for long when he wants her.
“I missed you, too,” I answer, pulling both of them close to me again. “It was a very long day without you.”
She doesn’t answer except with a sigh. I can tell she’s still tired. Cade only sleeps a couple of hours at a time, and even though he’s happy a lot of the time, he still has his fussy hours of the day and acts like…well, a baby.
“Jordan just called me,” she finally says.
This makes me fiercely tense up. I have no idea what kind of shit he’s thrown at her this time.
“And?” I try to ask calmly.
She takes her time responding, which only makes me worry more. She turns slightly on the couch to face me better, and instead of looking upset, she just looks dazed. “I just…I’m not even sure what happened. I mean I don’t even know where this came from…”
“What are you talking about?”
She takes a deep breath. “He asked me if…if I wanted him to give up his rights to Cade. I mean he just…starts going on about how he’s just not suited for this kind of thing and he never will be and…”
I’m surprised. No, stunned. I never told Melanie a single thing about my visit with Jordan, and even though I thought that he would give her crap about me harassing him over it, he never had. Now to call her up out of the blue to ask her that… I didn’t know what to think.
“He told me that you talked to him about it,” she finally says. She’d spoken it so softly I barely heard her. I can’t tell if she’s upset with me or what, but my mind is still on the reason for the phone call. Hope was literally filling my chest even though I was afraid that I’d overstepped my bounds.
“I did ask him to,” I admitted. “A couple weeks ago. He pretty much told me to go to hell.”
She doesn’t answer right away as she kisses on Cade’s cheeks. I’m not sure where to go with this, it kind of blindsided me. Her reaction is somewhat ambiguous and I have no idea what she is thinking.
Well I’m no fucking mind reader.
“What are you thinking about, baby doll?” I sigh, brushing her hair back from her face.
She gives me an unsure smile and shakes her head. “I haven’t a clue,” she says. “I mean…it’s something that I’ve thought about constantly but never thought he would ever agree to it.”
“It’s something that you want too?” I ask, not even trying to hide my insecurities. All of this is happening out of order, but I just have to go with it.
She studies my face for several seconds and says, “Yes, Jay. More than anything. But I just…
I mean I never wanted to assume and…and then there’s Jordan and…”
“But it’s what you want, right?”
I can’t even say the words, but I hope that she knows what I mean.
“Yes,” she smiles again. “I love you so much, Jay. If you want to be in Cade’s life permanently—”
“Hell yes, it’s gonna be permanent,” I interrupt.
I can’t even imagine them not being in my life. But it’s true that I’ve never done the one thing that could change everything for good… I know this has to happen first, and it’s obvious that it’s kind of the elephant in the room at the moment.
But leave it to Cade to have my back. The loud eruption in his diaper was perfect timing, so when Melanie stood to change him, I wasn’t quick to offer my services this time.
After kissing my forehead she says, “Did you find dinner in the fridge?”
“Uh, no, I haven’t looked yet,” I reply, even though I know she always has something ready for me to eat when I get home. She’s good to me like that.
“It’s baked spaghetti,” she smiles in a sing-songy voice as she heads down the hall.
I love her. So fucking much. I’m comfortable when it comes to our relationship. I know that’s a good thing, but I can’t just depend on that alone. I’m happy with my life—our life—but I know that the best relationships are the ones that are constantly progressing…
Okay, so Teague taught me that shit, but I do believe it.
I’m not sure how long it’s been since the dog has been outside, so I make him leave his bone behind and we go out back. I’m laughing to myself, but it’s a good thing. I’ve totally become this family man—unexpectedly and at times reluctantly—but this is who I am now.
And I love it.
I think back to my single days and shake my head. What the fuck was the matter with me? I did get called out by a few of the adults in the family, but I had such a huge chip on my shoulder that I didn’t even care. Although I hated hearing it, I can still hear my mom say, “You just wait until you have your own kids to deal with someday.”
