by Janae Keyes
“That guy is freaking engaged to someone else,” I informed her, though she already knew. “I’m only going to be the loser. He is marrying her. There are no negotiations.” My voice cracked, and I felt tears welling up in the brims of my eyes. “I need to let him go.”
I picked up the paper napkin that sat in front of me on the table and dabbed away the few tears that had escaped. I was exhausted from all the crying, but I knew this was going to take time to pass.
A moment of silence had been held before a large red drink appeared in front of me. If I needed anything, I needed that margarita’s powers to numb some of the pain I’d found myself in.
“Thanks,” I mumbled to the waitress before I took my straw and sipped down some of the cold alcoholic beverage.
“Guess who I saw at the club last night?” Maci asked as I looked up at her. I shook my head, unable to make a guess. “Tasha.” With that name, my body went rigid and hard. Tasha had been my best friend before she betrayed me.
“Did you talk to her?” I inquired as I thought of the girl I’d known since the fourth grade, the one who knew all my secrets, and the one I always assumed would be my right hand through everything.
“Yeah, she asked about you,” Maci informed me.
“And what did you tell her?” I questioned before taking a long sip of my drink. I needed the tequila a little bit more now.
“I told her you were a fantastic star artist. She asked me to tell you hi, I told her I would when you returned from the French Riviera with your hot boyfriend.” I burst into laughter at Maci’s lie she’d told my old friend.
“You’re hilarious,” I told Maci who gave me a smirk. “I wish all of that was true.”
“It is true. You are a star artist. You’ve traveled the world for your art, and you made a nice piece of change doing it. Then there’s Nate…” Her voice trailed off.
“Nate is nothing,” I snapped feeling my heart become restrained. “But everything,” I confessed.
“Maybe you should meet up with him, hear him out,” Maci suggested. I shook my head. I knew my heart ached to see him, but I wasn’t going to let him in again only to have my heart broken. “Taylor, this guy obviously wants to be with you, and you love him. I’d give it a try.”
“And be his mistress, no thank you.” I shook my head. “I don’t have the strength to deal with my heart breaking more than it is.”
“Tay,” Maci barely whispered. I glanced up in her direction and gave a simple shrug. “What are you doing tonight?” she asked me.
“Hanging out in my room with some Ben & Jerry’s while crying my eyes out to The Notebook,” I replied as I described exactly what I planned to do that evening, I already had a container of Chocolate Fudge Brownie in the freezer with my name on it.
“No, you aren’t!” Maci snapped. My eyes shot up in her direction. “You are coming out with Me and Anika. I’ve been chatting with this guy, and he is a bouncer at that new club, Explode. He can get us in. I know he will let us in.” Maci’s eyes lit up when she spoke about this guy. I was happy for her. Everyone deserved to have love on their sights. “No, is not an acceptable answer.”
“Okay, I’ll go,” I grumbled. I wasn’t in the mood to go clubbing, but maybe somehow it would help clear the fog in my brain that was left there by Nate.
I had whiplash from my last encounter with him. Going out was going to be good for me. It would be the greatest distraction of them all; the music, the dancing, the alcohol, it would all take me away to a planet where Nathaniel Branagan didn’t exist. A planet where my heart was no longer broken and was full and ready to love. Maybe my ideas of the night were too grandiose, but it was okay to dream for the moment. Going out would keep me occupied until Nate was out of the country and I was back to my old lowly life.
“Yay, I’m so happy. I’ve missed you. We used to party all the time. It is going to be great.” Maci was beaming with enthusiasm. My goal was to leech onto her excitement to pump myself up since at the moment I just wanted to lie in bed. “Meet me at the apartment around nine. We can get ready and head out.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, my voice filled with the fakest of cheer I could muster up. My goal from that moment forward, fake it till I made it.
LEAVING THE BART Station behind, I strolled down the streets of the picturesque Bay Area town of Walnut Creek. After lunch, Maci and I did a little shopping before I was finally headed home. Maci picked out a sparkly short tube dress for me to wear to the club. I still wasn’t one hundred percent sold on going, but if I stayed alone at home, there was no doubt my mind would stay on Nate.
I hummed along to the song that played in the one earbud I kept in while I walked. I only had a few more blocks to go before I could take myself a nice hot shower and have a little dinner before heading back out to get ready with Maci and Anika.
The warm air of the evening flowed through my hair as I stepped to the beat of the song. My sanity these days were found in the beats and lyrics of my favorite songs, music kept me going.
I noticed a black car beginning to slow as it came alongside me. I upped my speed and continued to walk without a glance in the direction of the vehicle. As I continued at my new pace, the car kept with me. My nerves were beginning to take hold of me. I still had three blocks to my parent’s house.
“Taylor!” My name was called. It was him.
Immediately, I stopped in my tracks and turned in the direction of the vehicle. I spotted Langston in the driver’s seat and the back window was all the way down, there was Nate, his olive eyes watching me with intensity.
“So, you’re stalking me now?” I asked him angrily.
“No. I just want to talk to you. Please, Taylor.” Looking directly into Nate’s eyes I saw everything I’d been looking for. There was sadness, remorse, longing, and love. I was weak to his advances but worked to stand firm. I crossed my arms as my feet stayed glued to the pavement.
“What do you want to talk about?” I inquired, not moving from my spot.
“There is so much I want to talk about. Get in the car, please,” Nate instructed.
“I don’t think that is a good idea,” I noted.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Nate asked as he shook his head, his voice rumbling with frustration. “Just get in the car.”
I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes. I wasn’t going to get him off my back. Nate was as persistent as they came and I was going to have to face our problems with him.
“Okay, okay, I’ll come,” I said in defeat. I hadn’t given up on him in England, and it seemed he wasn’t going to give up on me.
I walked to the car, Nate opened his door and allowed me to scoot in next to him. As I closed the door, I was immediately hit with his scent.
I glanced down at my hands in an attempt to not meet his eyes. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. I had a life to get back to and my days of frolicking with him as if we were some fairy tale couple were over. True love didn’t exist, and there were no happy endings, sorry Disney, but you preach bullshit.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, ready to get down to business.
“Maybe, we can talk over dinner. I’m sure you’re hungry,” Nate suggested. I rolled my eyes at his suggestion.
“I’m not hungry!” I snapped, my eyes flying up to his. At just that moment, my stomach let out a distinct growl.
Nate burst into laughter. I always loved his laugh. I couldn’t help, but find myself laughing as well. I missed laughing with him.
“I’d say you are. We can go wherever you want, and we can talk there.” Nate wasn’t going to let this go, and if I was to get this talk over with, I figured I might as well get free food while at it.
“We can go to California Pizza Kitchen on South Main Street,” I suggested.
“Got that Langston?” Nate inquired of his driver and friend who gave a nod.
The noise of the bustling restaurant echoed around us. Nate and I barely spoke as
I sipped on my soda and he mulled over his glass of wine. Pushing my now empty glass in front of me, I glanced up at Nate whose eyes hadn’t left me the entire time we’d been here. My heart pattered at the way he looked at me. I knew every emotion I saw a flash in his eyes because I felt them too.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” I asked him while tapping my nails on the table.
“Please don’t,” Nate grunted, his eyes staring directly at my fingers. At once, as if following his instructions, I stopped.
“Better?” I questioned.
“Much,” he answered with a smile appearing on the edge of his lips. That smile was familiar to me. It signaled his pleasure with my submission. As much as I’d worked to try and pull my heart and will away from Nate, he held on strong, and he knew he continued to have that hold. “I wanted to talk to you because I didn’t want to leave the country with you having so much anger toward me. I need you to know that I’m not just sorry, but to know that I really do love you and I want only you.” I glanced away from him as my stomach clenched. I loved him too, but I wasn’t going to allow him to sweep me away again as he’d done before.
“But—you forgot the but. It’s hanging there, just waiting to slip from your lips. You love me, and you want to be with me but you can’t because you are engaged to Miranda. I know this already,” I stated, attempting to keep any emotion from slipping into my voice, but I couldn’t help it. “I don’t know why you needed to take me out to dinner for this. It is the same bullshit you keep feeding me.” I placed my hands on the table and began to pull myself up to stand. I hadn’t come out to hear the same things over and over again.
“Taylor, don’t go,” Nate begged, his hands taking hold of my arms. I melted under his touch, and my butt found its place back on my seat. Fuck him and the effect he had on me.
“Where’s Miranda anyway?” I asked him as I sat back in my seat, folding my arms. I glanced away from him.
“I love your sassy attitude,” Nate mentioned with a chuckle. My eyes rolled nearly on their own.
“You are avoiding my question.”
“Miranda, went back to London a few days ago, happy?”
“Makes no difference to me.”
“It does.”
“No, it doesn’t. I don’t give a fuck where your fiancée is or where she isn’t.”
“Then, why did you ask?”
“Okay, no more of this.” I wasn’t going to allow myself this back and forth with him. “Nate, I’m not going to do this with you. You love me, but you’re unable to be with me. I’m trying to move on. I want to, fuck I need to, or I will be stuck in love with a man I can’t have.”
“I’m sorry, I really am. I should have never allowed this to go as far as it did. I knew one day my parents were going to get desperate and my thirtieth birthday gave them the perfect opportunity. I’m sorry I was forced to break your heart.” There was no doubt he was telling the truth; his eyes spoke every word. I looked down at the wooden table.
“I’ve got a Barbeque Chicken Pizza with no red onions and Spinach and Artichoke Pizza,” the voice of our bubbly waitress announced. My head snapped up. I could already smell the smoky heat of the Barbeque Chicken Pizza, my favorite.
“Barbeque Chicken,” I told her with a forced smile. I sat there on the verge of tears as I accepted my pizza from this woman who had no idea what she walked in on.
“Do you guys need anything?” the waitress asked, her voiced lined with a sickening amount of cheer, I wanted to slap that smile off her face only for her to feel as miserable as I did.
“No, I think we have everything we need,” Nate interjected smoothly, his English accent nearly charming her panties off.
“Okay-- Just let me know if you need...anything.” From the way she said her last word, she was hoping he was trying to get into her pants. It was obvious. I rolled my eyes as I saw her bite down on her lip before leaving our table behind.
I dug into my pizza. I was starving even though I’d had a taco and margarita fest as noon with Maci. Stuffing my face with deliciousness was a good distraction from our interrupted conversation. Right now, pizza was my comfort.
My eyes fluttered in Nate’s direction. He was also enjoying his pizza. We’d turned out completely different than how I expected from that first night together. I hadn’t known what to expect, but from that first night, we fell into this whirlwind romance. In a way, I guess we were destined for failure. We were two people who didn’t belong together, we were so different, but the few similarities we had, held us together, for that short amount of time.
Looking at Nate, I found myself smiling. He sat just how I remembered him, clean-cut and gorgeous. I knew I’d been lucky to be with him, but I was unlucky to have him be the man that broke my heart.
“You kept the clean look,” I mentioned out loud as I observed his features. I thought of when we first met, his long nasty hair and scruffy mass of beard. He looked so different. He’d hid behind all that hair, his true heart. I found it, and it had intertwined with my own in a way that was unexplainable.
Nate let out a chuckle as he ran his hand over his goatee, the only bit of facial hair he’d kept after his dramatic makeover.
“After you left, I did let it get wild. I’d forgotten how itchy it was and I had to cut it nicely, or I was going to die of scratching,” he explained. I let out a giggle. “Oh God, I love your beautiful laugh. I miss it in the house, filling the halls.”
“Your fiancée can do that now,” I sneered.
At once, I suddenly had no appetite. I sat down the slice of pizza I’d been working on and slid my plate away. “You can take me home at any time.”
“Taylor,” Nate whispered. I glanced away from him. I found myself looking outside, watching the cars pass by on the main street. “Besides wanting to apologize, I had something else to talk to you about.”
“And that is?” I asked, still not looking in his direction. I was forcing my tears to stay in my eyes until I could get home and allow them free while alone.
“A job,” he mentioned, and my eyes shot in his direction. “Yes, a job. Not working for me. I remember you’d told me once, over dinner, that one thing you would do outside of painting would be to work at a museum. Another thing you said you would do is teach art. I know someone who is looking for someone to do both. An old university friend of mine, Greg Talbins, is a curator at the TATE Modern Museum in London. He is looking for a junior curator as well as someone to teach some modern art classes to school children that come to the museum for field trips. I suggested you. I showed him your work, and he is impressed. He wants you and wants to feature you in an exhibit with other up and coming artists. Taking the job is up to you.”
How was the man able to offer me my dreams on a silver platter? I didn’t know what to say. There was a job being offered in London for me, and I would be able to do what I loved to do and experience jobs that I’d only ever dreamed about.
“You can think about it of course. I knew you would be the best for the job. I just want you happy.” Nate was completely serious. I was waiting for it to be a joke.
“Let me think about it,” I whispered. I knew my eyes were wide with wonder and amazement.
THE RIDE TO my parent’s house was silent. As Langston pulled the car in front of the house, I took a glance at Nate who watched me with a deep intensity. I had so much to think about when it came to this job that was being offered. I would be packing up and moving once more. Not taking the job would be metaphorically putting my future on the line, this job was a step in the right direction for me.
“Let me know your decision on the job. I will inform Greg,” Nate said, breaking our stone silence.
“Okay,” I breathed, not knowing how else to respond, this was strange. I wanted him to kiss me goodnight, hold me close, tell me I was his. None of those things were what would happen tonight. I wouldn’t allow it as much as I wanted it.
“To place your mind at ease. I’m offering you my Lon
don home as a place to stay. It doesn’t get much living out of it, and I know you liked it there, but as I said, let me know your decision.” I couldn’t believe that Nate was offering me his home, I gave him a soft smile, his heart was too big.
“Thanks and I will,” I said kindly to the man who despite everything, held my heart firmly in his grip.
Langston opened his door and stepped outside, immediately after he opened my door. I gave Nate a final glance before I exited the car into the chilling night air. Hugging my sweater around me, I allowed Langston to close the door. I glanced up at the tall man before me.
“Thanks for everything,” I said before reaching up and hugging him as hard as I could. His arms came around me as he returned my gesture. “Have a safe flight back.”
Langston allowed me free, and I stood, giving him a grin. I’d only ever grown up with my older sister, but I was sure being around Langston was what it felt like to have a big brother.
“What do you think of Nathaniel’s offer?” Langston questioned. I shrugged in response. My mind was still turning, and I needed time to mull over it all. “It would be nice to have you back in England.” I smiled.
“I’d like to be back. I just don’t know. As I told him, I’ll think about it.” I glanced in the direction of the car. The windows were tinted very dark, but I could feel Nate’s eyes on me.
“I better let you go and get Nathaniel back to the hotel, we leave quite early in the morning. It was good to see you, Taylor.” Langston pulled me into another strong hug before letting me go again.
I gave him a small wave as he watched me walk up my parent’s driveway. As I reached the front door, I gave a final wave. Taking my key from my purse, I unlocked the door and entered the house.
“Is that you Tay?” My mom’s voice called out from the direction of the kitchen.
“Yeah, mom!” I yelled in response. I made my way up the hall and in the direction of the kitchen.
