“I cannot!” Macbeth shouts. “Do you realize what she has done? Do you see? All the lives lost while waiting for you? And then you go and make a deal with our enemy?”
Ledger darts between us, shielding me from Macbeth’s rage.
“I said calm down,” he says, burning up. “Or do I need to help you?” His fists clench tight.
“No, Ledger!” I cry, running between them. “It’s okay.” He backs down, but Macbeth’s rage is palpable. I turn to him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do!”
“I will tell you what you should have done,” Macbeth growls. “You should have sacrificed yourself. Like the many who have come before you.”
“I still can!” I insist. “I can turn myself in.”
“You cannot!” Lady M says. “You are too important to us.”
“What if I’m not? What if I’m just a girl and these are just books?”
“Just books?” Lady M echoes. She glares at my grandfather. “William, you didn’t tell her?”
My grandfather looks away. “I didn’t want this life for her, Lady M. Don’t you see that? I wanted better for my family.”
“Yes, but William! With everything we sacrificed? This is not what Prospero would have wanted . . .”
“Prospero is dead!” my grandfather shouts. “Because of the Rising. She is dead.”
She? Prospero was . . . female?
“Prospero was a she?” I say, baffled. “I don’t understand.”
Lady M stares at me with wide eyes. “William . . . ,” she says. “This is not the way . . .”
“We’ve lost enough people guarding this secret!” My grandfather stands, his palms cover his eyes. “I do not want Noelle to be one of them. Just another sacrifice.”
“Grandpa? Lady M?” I whisper. “What secret?”
Lady M leans to Duncan and whispers in his ear. He nods and runs off. In moments he returns, carrying a large box. He sets it carefully on the dining table, then jumps onto his grandmother’s lap. She kisses the top of his head.
“Mother!” Macbeth shouts. “Don’t. I must insist.”
“You may not,” she says. “This is mine and mine alone to give.”
“But the sacrifices are all of ours!” he shouts.
“I am the Riser,” Lady M bellows, her voice shaking. “I’ll not be told what to do with my volume. This was Prospero’s wish. Her final wish. I will honor it.” She opens the box with a key around her neck and pulls a clothed volume from it. She holds it a moment, her hands caressing the fabric, before she thrusts it toward me. Volume V. The fifth volume of the Rising. It’s in my hands.
“My dear, you know what this is, don’t you?”
“It’s your book. One of the last nine books the Rising saved. One for each of you.”
Lady M blinks, disbelieving. “Yes,” she says. “You’re right about that. But they are not the last we saved. We separated the pages, you see, and rebound the stories. So that between us we could keep the location safe. It was hidden here,” she says, cracking the spine. She grabs my hand and runs it down the length of the page. “Here inside the words.”
“The location? Lady M, I don’t understand. What was it you were trying to hide?”
“The Archive, of course. The church for the printed word, as we called it. The Archive holds all the books the Risers were able to rescue from the fire.”
“But I thought all printed matter had been burned by Fell?” I look to Grandpa, who won’t return my gaze. I know he doesn’t want this truth for me, but I have to know. I have to understand.
“It is true that Fell destroyed many books. But they did not destroy the ones they didn’t know about. The ones we saved.”
“How many books are there?”
“We saved thousands,” Lady M says. “Imagine! A world of books and stories entrusted to us. It’s the secret of our age. And we must protect it.”
“The thing is, no one knows where this Archive is,” Macbeth says. “And of course many of us have grown skeptical over the years, wondering if it even exists at all.”
“Of course it exists,” Lady M cries. “It’s out there. Somewhere.”
“But you’ve never seen it?” Ros says.
“No. And neither has any other original Riser. That’s what ‘secret’ means.”
“Prospero was very smart that way,” Grandpa says. “Making sure no one else knew the location.”
“Except Hamlet, of course,” Lady M adds. “After all, he helped design it.”
Grandpa nods. “Of course. Prospero and Hamlet gave their lives to keep the Archive safe.”
“You see, my dear, the Archive is everything to us. These nine books hold the key to being able to find it again. We need to be able to read the secrets left to us within the pages.”
“And you think because I am the reader I can do that?”
“I don’t think,” Lady M says. “I know. As sure as I know you will not betray us to Fell and you will find a way to keep the Archive safe, as Prospero envisioned in the dream.”
“Not this again,” Grandpa interrupts.
“Noelle, Prospero believed in a genetic predisposition, a part of the brain that could survive beyond Fell’s treatment. Prospero and Hamlet were both gifted when it came to reading, but this was something more. Someone who lived in words and who had words living in them. The idea came to her in a dream, and she believed wholeheartedly that one day, someone would be born who could restore what we’d worked so hard to save.”
“And you think that person is me?” Lady M nods.
“You see, Noelle, that is why Fell wants you. However it happened, whatever you have done, they know who you are. They know what you can do. And they will use you to get what they want and destroy us.”
“You mean the Archive?” I surmise.
“Without the books, we cannot survive. Our future is predicated on our past. How can we hope to revive our humanity if our written history is lost completely? If the Archive burns, that will be just the beginning. Soon, Fell won’t even have to strike a match to burn the rest of humankind. We will do it for them.”
“But the Sovereigns are mostly peaceful, even now without the books.”
“Don’t be so naive,” Lady M says bitterly. “Do you think Killem has built this army for nothing?” She flicks her fingers upward one by one, counting. “The Winnow. Pedanta. Fort Numb. Killem. Fair Verona. Stoneleigh. Mount Memoria. Fault’s End. Of these nine Sovereigns, how many do you think would rise together against Fell? How many do you think would stand and fight?”
“I’m sure some of the others would join Killem.”
“My dear, what others?” Lady M asks. “There is only us. No other Sovereign is fit for a war against Fell.”
Lady M is right. I’ve only visited about half the Sovereigns, but I know already only Killem would put up a fight. Ardenia, the Winnow, Fort Numb would be massacres of the highest order. Pedantians would do their best, but they are already teeming with Fell officials. The chance of a rebellion there now is slim to none.
I feel the tension in my body rise, unplugging me from myself and this moment. “Then we need to make sure there isn’t a war,” I say quietly. “We must aim for a diplomatic negotiation.”
Grandpa nods. “And to do so, we must be able to negotiate from a position of strength. Meaning you must not submit to Fell, Noelle.”
“But the deal—” Ros says.
“That deal was made out of weakness, out of emotion. That cannot be the basis of our actions,” my grandfather adds.
“I hate to say this,” Macbeth says. “But I believe your granddaughter has betrayed us. She should submit herself to Fell.”
“No!” Lady M rises from the table. “No, she shouldn’t.”
Macbeth turns to her, stunned. “Mother, I—”
She holds up her hand. “Enough, Macbeth. I have heard enough. Noelle did the right thing.”
“Mother, how can you say this?”
“Because. She survived. And her s
urvival is the greatest gift we could ask for.”
“Mother—”
“Silence! You must listen to me now.” She turns to me and only me. “Without the reader, none of this matters, my dear. What good are the volumes without someone to guide us through their pages? What good are the words if no one can read them? The books need the reader as much as the reader needs the books. One just isn’t complete without the other.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. I know she is right and that there is forgiveness in what she says. I can’t help myself. I wrap my arms around her. This incredible woman. This original Riser. This voice of wisdom and strength. I thank her silently for being what I don’t yet know how to be.
“Fine,” Macbeth says, his voice softening. “The army is ready. They are strong. Mac has been training them for many months. We will meet their test with our mettle.”
“They’re not coming to test the army,” Lady M says, turning to me. “They are coming to test you, Noelle.”
Macbeth stares at me with an intensity that sends a bolt of fear into my gut. “Then we’ll make sure she will be ready.”
*
After dinner I sit downstairs on the rug near the fireplace, unable to sleep. The great house is quiet. Everyone has gone to bed. I stare into the flames until I feel someone behind me. I turn and spot Ledger on the landing.
“Thought I might find you down here.”
He comes over and sits at my side. A moment of silence passes before he turns to me and says, “So what’s keeping you up this time?”
“I keep thinking about the Archive, about how the Risers risked their lives for those books.” I lower my gaze, shame overcoming me. “And how I just bargained it all away.”
“What you did in Fort Numb was brave. You have to have faith in yourself,” Ledger says. “You have to believe that when the time comes, you will know the right thing to do.”
“Will I? How can I believe in myself when I feel I barely even know myself?”
“Elle, the strongest remaining original Riser believes in you. Lady M is on your side. She trusts you.”
“I know. And that just makes it so much worse. What if I let her down? What if I let everyone down?”
“You won’t.”
“How do you know?”
Ledger lets a breath escape. His eyes catch the flames, making the blue centers seem bright gold. “Because I see it. I see you.”
“What do you see?”
Ledger turns back to the fireplace. The muscles of his jaw tense and I wonder if these conversations still feel as nerve-racking for him as they do for me. He’s just inches away. And what would happen if, by accident, our hands found each other along the floor? If I leaned into him like I did in the RV, like I want to do again, just to feel some warmth, some comfort.
“I see a girl. A girl who is afraid, who feels helpless, alone even. But I also know that this girl doesn’t need to feel this way.” I look at him perplexed. “But it’s all true. I’m scared to death. I’m totally helpless when it comes to Fell, and now it’s just me against them. I am alone.”
“You may feel scared and helpless, Noelle, but you are definitely not alone. Don’t you see I am here for you and only you?” Ledger laughs, his smile lighting me up on the inside. “A hundred million times over, I’m yours and yours alone, in every way a person can be.” His voice grows serious. “And no matter how much that fact destroys me, it won’t ever change.”
I flinch. “Destroys you?”
“I came here for a purpose. To help the reader. To make her see. I didn’t plan on you being you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Ledger?”
“It means I didn’t plan on finding a friend that actually makes me feel like I belong here, a girl with so much inside her drawing me in, I can’t help but feel . . .”
“Feel what?”
“Like I want to be with her. Forever.”
The way he says it makes my spine tingle, from the base of my neck to my lower back. With her? With me.
“Well, since this is a night of confessions . . . ,” I start. “I have one, too.”
Ledger flashes me a boyish grin. “You? A confession? Go on, then.”
I clear my throat and try not to fidget with my hands, but I can’t help it. I feel like a child. “I don’t mind the visions,” I tell him. “In fact, I actually kind of like them.” Ledger arches an eyebrow. “You do?”
“Not what I see, exactly. But the first part. The beginning.”
“Oh.” He nods. “Is that it?”
“No . . . the other part is how I feel after them.”
“And how is that?”
I shrug because there’s no easy way to say it. It’s just a fact, plain and simple. So I shut my eyes and let it out. “Free. It makes me feel free.”
I watch him taking in what I say, but he doesn’t react. “You say you’re afraid, Noelle. Well, I’m afraid, too. Of you. Of your power.”
“My power? I don’t have any power.”
“You have every power when it comes to me, to what I am. You don’t just read words, Noelle. You read into words. You read into me.”
My heart races as I grasp his meaning.
“Each time it happens, it’s all I can do to hold back everything I have inside to show you. It almost always comes flooding through me.”
“Would that be so terrible? Seeing everything all at once?”
Ledger shakes his head. “It’s supposed to be controlled. It’s supposed to take time. But the truth is . . . I want more than this.”
So he does feel it! The electricity between us, drawing us together—it’s not just an illusion. All this time I’ve been resisting it, thinking it was just my feelings for John lingering. But there’s something else between us. And it’s powerfully irresistible, as if the universe itself were asking us to close up the distance between us.
An admission escapes me. “I want more, too.” I’ve wanted more for a while.
Ledger looks at me, his eyes pleading. “Please,” he says. “Don’t do that. You don’t have to do that. I know what you feel when you’re around me. I can sense your unease. Your discomfort. I hate that I make you feel that way.”
“Ledger, no. That isn’t—”
“Don’t you think I wish I could be like John? That I could just be what he was to you without all of this? The truth is I hate myself for wanting you this way, but I’m helpless to stop it. I need this body just to be here. Without it, I’m just a soul on fire.”
“Ledger,” I whisper. “You don’t understand.” I reach for his hand, our fingers just inches away. I know it will happen if I touch him, but for a moment there’s nothing else I want more. I have to tell him. I have to make him understand. I have to stop this now because the truth is . . . the truth is . . . “I like what you’re doing to me.”
Ledger blinks, and his eyes lift in curiosity. “But your heart races, your breathing quickens?”
“I know. I don’t understand it any more than you do, but the fact is, I like the way you make me feel. And the visions don’t just make me feel free . . .”
I wish he’d stop staring at me this way. His eyes are wide as compasses, searching inside me.
“What do they make you feel, Elle?”
“Like I want to be near you, to touch you again. All the time.” I stop myself. And like I want you to touch me, too. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Ledger lets a half smile creep across his face. “Don’t be. It’s actually completely and utterly wonderful.”
“It is?”
“Yeah.” He tilts his face, moving himself just inches from me. “Don’t ever apologize for what you are, what you feel. Not to anyone. Especially not to me.”
“Why not?” I say teasingly. “Do you like me or something?”
He stops and holds me with the tenderness of his gaze, his intentions looming behind them like a firestorm.
“Oh, more than that, Noelle. I think you know now it is
so much more than that.”
I reach for him, but Ledger flinches. “Which is why we should end this now, before it gets worse.”
“Ledger? Are you serious?” What is he doing to me?
“I need you to be strong, Noelle. What’s coming for us is deadly, and you will need everything inside you to fight it. I know now what I didn’t know before this life. Emotion will make you weak, make you vulnerable. It will make you do things you never thought you’d do before.”
“You mean like love.”
“Yes.”
“So what are we supposed to do? Just ignore it, pretend it isn’t there?”
Ledger looks at the floor, tracing his hands along the carpet. “If we stop it now, it will be easier. It will be tolerable. For both of us.”
“Are you sure?”
He looks me in the eye. “Yes,” he says. But I don’t believe him. “Well, I’m not so sure.”
Ledger’s eyes flash angrily. “This isn’t a game, Noelle. It’s life or death we’re talking about. If this thing between us in any way jeopardizes what you have to do, then we have to stop it.”
“Right. And how do we do that?”
“We agree, right here and now, not to give into it, to leave it alone.”
“And the visions?”
“They’ll be like the first time, in Pedanta. My hand, your hand. The end.”
“But we both wanted more—”
Ledger stands up. His voice is sad, regretful. “We can’t have it Noelle. It’s impossible.”
In minutes, Ledger is gone and the fire is burning low. I hear his words with every step I take up the flight of stairs to my cold room at the end of the great house.
We can’t have it.
It’s impossible.
NOELLE
THIRTY-TWO
The morning brings with it a stark reminder: we’re going to stay and fight, to protect Killem and everyone in it. I know Ledger is unhappy about the decision, but if Fell sees me running, they will think I have something to hide. If we don’t fight back, they will know I told everyone about our arrangement. Macbeth thinks a day spent training with his son, Mac, will get me up to speed, that it will be enough to help me protect myself. I wish I believed him.
Blood, Ink & Fire Page 29
