“That’s . . . mostly true,” I say hesitantly.
Mac crosses his arms. “Then why make a deal with Fell? What did they offer you?”
“It wasn’t for me. It was for my family. And everyone else I care about. The Sovereigns. The Rising.”
“What good is the Rising without the volumes? Once you give them those, there will be nothing left for us.”
“They promised me they would not invade another Sovereign.”
“And you actually believed Fell would honor that?”
“I had to believe it. It was our only way out. The only way I could buy us some time.”
“Well, I don’t agree with what you did,” Mac says. “But I understand it.”
“Thanks, I think.”
He sighs and tilts his head to look at the sky. “It’s such a shame, you know.”
“What is?”
“You. What you are. If only you’d come here sooner.”
“What do you mean?”
Mac turns to me. “Look, you have to know one thing. I’m going to tell you because everyone else is afraid to. If you give yourself up to Fell, you’re never coming back. If you think any one of us can save you from them, you’re wrong.”
“I don’t expect anyone to save me.”
“Really?” Mac asks. “Not even him? Ledger?”
“I made the deal. I accepted the terms. I don’t want anyone else to be endangered because of my choices.”
“Well, I’m not sure he’ll be so easily convinced,” Mac says.
“Listen, whatever you think you know, you don’t. You don’t know us, and you don’t know me.”
“I know you care about him. Enough to take that deal.”
“I didn’t just do it for him. I told you that.”
Mac kicks the grass. “Yeah, maybe not, but I’m a pretty good judge of character. And I know the only reason he’s even here is for you.” Mac points a finger at my heart. “And I think deep down you know that.”
“Hang on a second . . . how do you . . . ? Were you spying on us last night?”
“Spying? No. Definitely not. I came home late. I wanted a drink. I may have overheard some stuff.”
“So you were spying!”
“I believe the correct term is eavesdropping, actually.”
“I can’t believe you!” I yell. “You’re impossible.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault the house echoes. Your voices carry. And besides, I wanted to know who I was dealing with. Now I know.”
I throw him a spiteful look and hang my head. I’m so tired and dirty, and everything on my body hurts. I just want to make it all go away, just for a moment. “Whatever you heard, it doesn’t change anything,” I say after a while. “What’s done is done. I can’t risk anyone else getting hurt trying to protect me. When they come for me, that will be it.”
“So you won’t even try to fight back? You just want to give up?”
“I’m not giving up!” I yell. “I’m doing the right thing. This mess is because of me. My family and friends are in danger because of me. Because of what I’ve done. What I am. I have to fix it!”
“Whoa, whoa, wait. What are you talking about?”
“I went to the Winnow. I left the Vale when I should have stayed. When I should have accepted my destiny just like every other Valer and gone to immersion. But I didn’t. And now Fell is after me. Is after all of us.”
Mac takes me by the shoulders, his expression fierce, and for the first time I see it. He’s concerned about me. I don’t know why. I mean, I barely even know him. But there’s an intense concern for me and what I have to face, and it’s coming out as anger.
“You think all this is your fault? You think Fell began these invasions because of you?”
I can’t hold back the tears. They’re pooling in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. I look away, feeling foolish, embarrassed, flushed with anger.
“Let me tell you something, Noelle. This is not your fault. Fell has been readying for this a long time.”
“But the Sovereign invasions! Pedanta’s occupation. All that started after I escaped.”
Mac shakes his head. “Have you or have you not been paying attention to anything my family has been saying? Don’t be so egotistical. This war has been brewing since well before you were born. Three generations of my family have fought and died revolting against Fell and resisting their stranglehold on us. Get it straight and do it fast, because we need a leader, not a martyr!”
I stop, stunned. “What did you just say?”
“I said we need a reader, not a martyr.”
“No, you didn’t. You said we need a leader.” I pause a moment, watching him. “You think I am the leader of this? Of the new Rising?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore.” Mac spits into the dirt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that they said the reader would also lead. We assumed that would be you. Guess maybe Prospero was wrong.” Mac wipes his brow. “Fell was always going to make sure all traces of the Rising had been rooted out and destroyed. You just gave them the concrete proof they needed.”
“Proof, what proof?”
“Proof that everything they tried to erase from us still exists.”
“You’re talking about the reading?”
“Of course. They thought they’d scraped the last of that from us. They thought that with their fancy technology, they could just filter it out of humanity one brain cell at a time. They started it three generations ago, and yet here you are. A reader, born right inside the center of the hive. A rogue cell inside their system. Fell is terrified that you exist, Noelle.”
How does he know all this? I can see why the army will be passed to his control. He’s so assured, so confident. I wonder if he ever feels fear himself.
“So, let me ask you again. When Fell comes for you, are you just going to let them take you?”
Could I break my deal with Fell and still live long enough to protect my loved ones, to fight back? I’d never considered it was possible, but now, staring into Mac’s insistent green eyes, I actually feel it might be.
“Well? Are you?”
“I don’t know!” I say, frustrated. “I don’t know what’s right anymore, Mac!”
“So you don’t trust me?”
“Trust you? I just met you.” I pause, looking at him and his desperation. What is he trying to do out here in the middle of this field? Is he actually trying to save me for the Rising?
“I’m not your leader. I can’t be.”
“You’re really something, you know that?” Mac says, looking wounded.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“A statement of fact. You, Noelle Hartley, are unlike anyone I’ve encountered before.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “You think I’m out here wasting my breath just to convince you? That just shows how little you get me. You may be a soldier here and now, but if I had any say in it, I would want you as far away from this battle as possible.”
“Oh? And why is that?”
“Because. I think despite myself, I’m starting to like you.”
Is this part of the training? Just another way for Mac to disarm me so he can open his blade and sink it into my flesh? Whatever he’s doing, it’s working, and I don’t like it. “Enough. Stop it.”
“Hah! See, there you go. Nobody else would dare talk to me like that here in Killem. I’m the general of the army for crying out loud. And you . . . you just don’t care. I like it.”
“Well, I don’t care if you like it or if you like me either.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I have other things to think about, Mac!”
“Like Ledger?”
“That’s none of your business. What I actually have on my mind is whether or not I’m going to live to see another day! Or have you forgotten Fell is after us?”
“I’m thinking the same exact thing. But it doesn’t stop me thinking about you, too. I can multitas
k, you know.”
“Well, I prefer to focus on the important things. And I can think of a dozen things, Mac, that rank more important than you.”
“Ouch! Now that’s just being mean. But you know, I kind of love it when you talk mean. It’s so damn Killemesque.”
“Okay, I’m done. If we’re not going to train, I’m leaving.” Mac jumps in front of me, waving his hands apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ll be good, I swear.” He twirls his knife in his hand, grips it firmly, then flings it into the dirt right in front of my toes, stopping me in my tracks. “See, there’s a lot we can learn from each other.”
“I’m pretty sure I can make out on my own just fine.”
“Make out. Now that is a splendid idea.”
“Do you ever quit?”
“No.” Mac corners me into a cluster of trees. He leans in, like a tiger sniffing its prey before it unleashes its hunger. My heart’s beating a little too quickly, and I don’t like it. It’s not the way it is with Ledger, so safe even in the moments of the visions, I know he’ll be there to catch me when I plunge into oblivion. But with Mac, I’m standing too close to the tiger’s jaw, waiting for it to snap.
“Don’t be so feisty,” he says, stroking my chin. “I’m only trying to teach you something.”
Sure, I admire his bravery, and maybe there is something a little alluring about his boisterousness. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m in charge here. Of myself. Of the volumes. Of my destiny. I’m not going to fall for some handsome Sovereign general just because he wants me to. I don’t work like that, never have. And I’m not going to change now.
I muster the strength in my hands and arms and think of the motion before I do it. With one quick blow, I shove Mac back from me and pull the knife from the ground. I lunge at him with it, holding the blade to his throat.
“I’m not a toy. I’m not something you can just play around with. I told you already. Back off.”
Mac’s stunned expression starts to heat. I can tell he’s holding back. His face remains frozen, stern, until suddenly a smile eases across his mouth. “Okay,” he says.
I fling the knife into the dirt, then gather my things to leave.
“But you might want to know that you just did it. You had me.”
I turn back to him. “What are you talking about?”
“You were backed into a corner, and you fought back. It’s in your reflexes.” Mac shrugs, looking pleased with himself. “When Fell comes for you, you won’t just let them take you.”
“You don’t know what I’ll do!” I shout at him. “Don’t pretend you can figure me out.”
“But I can,” he says. “It’s my job. I know you now, Noelle. Just like I know you’re not going to give in to Fell that easily. You’re a fighter. I just helped you prove it. To yourself and to me.”
“Thanks for the training.” I stomp off, not the least bit surprised when I hear his voice call after me.
“I think you should know,” he says. “What you’re doing, what you are, it’s kinda . . . amazing.”
I sigh with exasperation. “No, it isn’t, Mac. I’m not amazing. I’m not anything.” I’m terrified.
“Whatever you say. I just thought you should know that if you want me to dislike you, you’re going about it the wrong way.”
“Do you need me to actually cut you or something?” I snap at him.
“I get it. I’ll leave you alone,” he says, holding up his hands. “But just admit one thing before you leave.”
“What? What’s the one thing?”
“Admit you like me, too. Just a tiny bit.”
“Then I’d be lying.”
“Go ahead. He’s not here, you can let yourself admit it. You like me, Noelle Hartley.”
I feel my face growing warm. You do not like him. Not him, this tantalizing, brutish braggart!
But there is something I like. It is the freedom. It’s knowing that with Mac, there are no limitations, nothing to control or hold back. With Mac, I could just be freely myself and feel things the way normal people do without worrying about what I’ll see, about what visions will haunt me. And that is it, plain and simple. I am a little curious.
“Okay,” I mumble. “Maybe I like the idea of you. But that’s it.”
Mac’s smile broadens. “I knew it.”
“Wait, I’m not saying I like you, I’m saying I like the idea of you. That’s all.”
“All right. The idea of me, then. I can live with that. So what about this idea of me do you like?”
My mouth gapes. I shake my head. “Your ego knows no bounds.”
Mac crosses his arms and tips his chin down, petulant and childlike. “You gonna tell me or what?”
“It isn’t specific to you, Mac. You could be anybody.”
“Okay, then. Imagine I am anybody. What is it you want?”
I chew on my lip. Thinking. What is it I want? What kind of question is that, anyway? “I don’t know. I guess I wanted . . . to know what it’s like.”
“What what’s like?”
“The freedom. Of just being who you are. Just being with someone. Without worrying all the time.”
“Wait—so you’re telling me you and Ledger have never . . . ?”
“It’s not like that.”
“He’s never kissed you?”
“No, don’t be stupid.”
“Stupid? I’d say Ledger was the stupid one.”
“What?”
“Nothing, I mean, I just can’t believe he hasn’t made you more aware of his feelings. He must be crazy not to want to at least let you know how incredible you are.”
“It isn’t him. It’s me. I never wanted to get close to anyone,” I lie. My cheeks warm.
“Well, that was before. This is now.” Mac digs his toe into the dirt, unearthing the knife. He nudges it toward me with his foot, the tip pointing right at me. He follows it with a single step in my direction. “How about now?”
I shake my head. “No, Mac. Don’t.”
He nudges the knife closer, taking another step. He looks up, his eyes two green flames. “Now?”
“Mac . . .” I can’t help but smile inside at his little game, though I keep my expression stern. That he has no fear whatsoever of being near me is . . . intoxicating.
Mac pushes the knife closer to me once more. The blade touches the tip of my boot. He follows it, until he’s just a breath away. He’s so close I can count his dark eyelashes. “Maybe now?”
“I can’t.”
“But you want to?”
I should step back. I should turn and walk away. But my curiosity won’t let me. Mac tilts his head. “If you want me to kiss you, I will . . .”
I open my mouth to speak, but he puts his index finger to my lips. “It’s just a kiss, Noelle. It won’t last longer than a heartbeat.” He takes his finger away waiting for me to stop him. An eyebrow lifts expectantly, as if I’ll push him away. But I don’t. It’s not him I want. It’s the feeling itself of getting lost in another person. I know at that moment I don’t want it to be him. I want it to be Ledger. But kissing Ledger would be impossible. We agreed as much last night.
Mac leans in a little. Then a little more. “Tell me to stop,” he says, but I don’t want to. Soon his lips find mine. I feel the warmth of his mouth as his breath stills and a soft moan escapes him. His tongue licks my lips as he kisses me. He kisses me like he’s kissed a hundred girls. Just like this. But none of them were me. And none of them had felt what it was like to feel Ledger.
There’s no surge of electricity. No dull ache in my core. No sense of longing. It is . . . just a kiss. I pull back and look at him blankly.
“So?” Mac says.
I shrug.
“Oh, come on! Don’t tell me you didn’t feel something? That you didn’t enjoy it?”
“It was nice, I guess.”
“You guess?” Mac laughs and swipes his hair from his brow. “Tough crowd.”
“Yeah, well, I guess you are
an acquired taste.”
Mac grabs the knife from the dirt and fake stabs himself in the gut, sprawling at my feet. “You cut me to the quick, Noelle Hartley. I die in your arms.”
“What is this?” I turn around and see Ledger. I’m taken aback by the sight of him in full combat attire. He looks older. More menacing. Mac stands up quickly and resumes his official expression. “We were just training.”
Ledger nods once and looks from me to Mac and back again. “There isn’t time now. We’re too late,” he says, sternly. “Fell is already here.”
NOELLE
THIRTY-THREE
Mac’s expression hardens. “Thank you, soldier.” He takes off toward the training ground, leaving Ledger and me alone in the meadow.
He turns to me. “You and him?” he says, his expression stern, but underneath it, I can sense his pain. “I guess it makes sense. After last night.”
“No, it wasn’t, we weren’t . . .” I try, but it’s too late. I know what Ledger must think after seeing Mac and me kiss. How can I explain to him that it meant nothing? That I wish it had been him? That I regret letting it happen?
“He was trying to convince me not to surrender to Fell.”
“By kissing you?”
“That was nothing, Ledger. Nothing. A stupid accident! He was trying to convince me not to surrender.”
“So what decision did you come to, Noelle, because they are here now. They are here, and if we stay, they will find you. I can fight for Killem, but I cannot fight for you unless you’ll let me.”
“I don’t want you to fight for me, Ledger. No one else can get hurt—or worse—for me.”
“So what are you going to do? We’re traitors, remember? We have what they want most.”
“I know! I don’t know what to do. I just wish I could take it all back. I wish I’d never left the Vale.”
“Don’t say that,” Ledger says through gritted teeth. “Never ever say that. You know what they would have done to you in there.”
“My parents were right, Ledger. I could have had an easier life there. I could have been invisible inside Fell. And then none of this would have happened. My parents would still be alive, and John—” I stop myself cold, the realization of what I was thinking held on the tip of my lips.
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