The firelight danced on her hair and face. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. Wait…it was no dream! She had come in the nick of time to save him from the dragon. She was everything he had ever believed she was—brave, strong and true. Shame struck him at the way he had chosen Melanis over her. Both were fine women but…
His head battled with his heart. He generally listened to his head. It was the way to keep the world under control. It was how you made the right decisions and created order. None of those concepts resonated with him at this moment as he looked upon Katrine.
And then she opened her eyes and stared straight at him. The brilliance of her eyes struck him, and he couldn’t look away. It seemed she was imprinting herself in his memory, to always be connected with him. He was helpless to break the link.
She stood and stretched, giving him a chance to admire her.
“How do you feel?” she asked, approaching like a wary cat.
“Like a dragon picked me up and dropped me, then someone sliced into me with hot knives,” he said. “Please tell me I dreamed all of it.”
She frowned and placed a cool hand on his forehead. “It was no dream.” She let out a long breath. “Still no fever. I think you might survive.” She sat on the edge of the bed and placed her head in her hands.
“I didn’t realize my survival would upset you so.”
She dropped her hands and turned to him. James flinched at the raw pain on her face–the exhaustion, and the shadows. “Stop being so flippant and be real with your emotions. I thought you would die with only my poor skills to save you. You don’t understand how it felt–to fear, to be sure I wasn’t good enough. If you died…” She pushed off the bed and strode away to stand before the fire.
“It would never be your fault if I died, lady.”
She turned to him, fury in her spectacular eyes. “I would blame myself! And, do you know, James. I don’t think I could survive that.” She turned away. He had never felt so cut off from her. How could he reach out to this woman who held the power to give him everything he never realized he needed.
He was at sea, had hurt her, perhaps too deeply to be forgiven. “How can I make my peace with you?”
Her shoulders slumped, but she kept her back to him. “I’m not sure if I wish for peace between us. It seems a foreign concept when our friendship has been so stormy.”
Ah, at least she hasn’t shut me out completely. He took a deep breath that set his shoulder throbbing. “Come here. Let me see your face.” At least then he might understand her.
Katrine advanced. She was like a wild creature, scared and hurt once, and not daring to trust again. “I should leave you to rest.”
“Damn it! This is more important than rest! I need to explain my actions.”
She shook her head. “You need! Is it too much to ask that you consider what I need? Between us it has always been about you. You didn’t like my sister, you decided I needed protection, you couldn’t risk a relationship with me, and you were already betrothed. You… you… you! Well, forgive me if I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t consider my wishes before his own.”
James allowed her words to make their mark. He held her gaze as shame burned through him. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widened. “Is that all? ‘I’m sorry’.”
“It’s a start, Katrine. I want to explain, and I wish to start afresh in our relationship—whatever it becomes. Though I hope for more than mere friendship.”
She closed her eyes, her jaw clenched, and when she opened them again, she walked away. “You don’t know how I wanted to hear those words. And now, when you say them, I’m no longer sure what I want. I’m strong, James, and I like the woman I’ve become.”
He sensed her slipping away from him. He no longer knew her–that was the truth. She was stronger than the old Katrine, toughened in flames, hardened by his rejection.
She turned back to him. “You’ve made me strong in more ways than just my heart. Your rejection that day made me so angry I lost all fear for that one moment, and, in those few seconds, the hounds found me. I looked them in the eye without fear, and they accepted me. Now I lead them. They go where I go, and I have plans–real plans–for them. There is danger coming, and my hounds will have a part to play in the defense against that evil.”
Her words struck fear into his heart. It was worse than he had thought. She was a witch and, now, the mistress of those dogs. What other surprises lay in her future? “And you’re asking me to accept all of it?”
She gave a brief shake of her head. “I’m telling you what I am now. I don’t need you to protect me.” Her throat clenched as though the words were hard to say. It gave James hope that, even though she didn’t need him, her life may be better with him in it.
“Katrine, please, pull up a chair and listen.”
She stood for a time, her eyes pinned to his, as if trying to dig out all his hidden secrets. Then she did as she was bid. When she was seated, he began.
“After you left Brightcastle, I tried to tell myself it was for the best. I was committed to Melanis, and you to your magic. Those moments with you in the field didn’t leave with you, Katrine. I dreamt of them night and day, and, instead of becoming less frequent, I saw you spread before me more often. When I tried to make love to my fiancée, it was your face I saw and your skin I touched. Then I opened my eyes and saw Melanis, and my body rebelled. I couldn’t complete the act with her once I had you, Katrine.”
She made to stand up from the bed, but he held her there.
“I don’t want to hear that woman’s name,” she protested.
“You need to. I’ve been with her for two years, and she was awaiting our official betrothal for almost half of that time. We were perfect for one another. But there was no love. It was the way I thought I wanted it. It was the only way I knew to bring a wife and children into my life without losing control. The thought of all the chaos that would normally follow a love match was abhorrent.”
He held her attention if the intensity of her stare was anything to go by.
She reached for his hand. “I begin to understand, but is control of your life so important? Isn’t a true and burning love so much more fulfilling?”
“It’s important to me. The desire to control my world has motivated each decision I’ve made as an adult. Over the years, my obsession with order became a disease until I couldn’t abide anything in my life not designed by me...”
“And then I ran into you that day and upset your neat and tidy world.”
“Yes and brought more danger than I have ever known. Suddenly, I was fighting night hounds, and escorting you to Brightcastle, and finding out you are a witch. You’re the opposite of all I have planned for.”
“Fate brought me to you,” she whispered. “Perhaps the Goddess understands what you need better than you do.”
“You don’t change habits overnight when they have stood you in good stead all your adult life.”
She cupped his cheek in her free hand. “Has your life been so perfect?”
James growled. This was not going as planned. “Hush while I explain.” She frowned at him but stayed silent.
“I realized I couldn’t be the man Melanis needed, so I broke off our engagement and left Brightcastle soon after. I returned to Costa and tried to put it all behind me.”
“Did you succeed?”
James thought of the sad state his life had become over the last four months and shook his head. “I’ve been trying to get on with my life, throw myself back into work, look after my staff, and see my friends. But all I see when I close my eyes is you. Night and day, you’re all I think off. I’ve not enjoyed an uninterrupted night’s sleep in weeks. And I’m drinking more than I should.”
“You do look wretched,” Katrine said, laying her palm on his forehead. “But at least the dragon wounds haven’t festered. You should be able to resume your duties in a matter of weeks.”
“And you?”
<
br /> “I shall return to my estate when you no longer need me.”
“Then you shall never return because I’ve decided I need you, forever.”
Katrine’s eyes widened, and the silver flecks in them danced and spun. She blinked once, twice. “That sounds like a marriage proposal.”
He pondered then nodded. “It was. Please stay with me and be my wife. We’ll play it any way you like, only don’t leave me, Katrine.”
Hope shone in her eyes but soon died. “I thought no one would ever want me,” she whispered.
“What do you say to my proposal?”
She came out of a trance to spear him with her brilliant stare. “Does this mean you love me? Or am I merely a more palatable partner than Lady Stenmore?”
James wasn’t ready for undying love declarations. Hell, he had only just realized he needed Katrine in his life, let alone had time to examine the intricacies of his feelings. He only knew he had to have her, love her, and worship her. “I think I might be in love with you.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You might be in love? It’s not enough when I love you with each tiny particle of my being. I’ve known at least since the first time you rejected me, perhaps before. You must feel more for me than physical attraction. I must be everything to you. But, more than that, you must embrace the life that comes with me—magic, night hounds, and perhaps war.”
It sounded dangerous when she put it like that, but he wasn’t averse to danger. He was, after all, a spymaster, risking himself daily to collect and decode messages and pass them onto the King. But now wasn’t the time to tell Katrine that. Best to win her over before he revealed the rest of his secrets.
“I’m ready,” he declared. “I’ve been miserable without you, thinking I’d never again have you in my life. And now you’ve rescued me from certain death. Yes, I must love you.”
She made an indelicate noise through her nose. “Stop it. You don’t know your own heart, James, so I won’t marry you. I’ll stay until you can fend for yourself and then return to my family.” She got up and left the room.
He hadn’t expected that. Stupid conceited man that he was, he hadn’t thought Katrine might turn him down. He imagined she must be as bereft as he was. But she had moved on with so much dignity. She had changed since Brightcastle, toughened, come into her own. While he diminished. It had to stop. He must have her, and he would do whatever it took to bring her back to him, to love forever.
Kat cared for her patient even though every fiber of her being needed to flee. Each hour, she fell a little more in love with him. Each day, as she bathed his wounds, she worked harder to keep her touch professional. James had a body many men would kill for and every woman she knew would admire. He was an enigma, and she was sure he still hid secrets. She could not agree to marriage with him when he wasn’t being honest with her.
What she needed was distance to think, not to be in his company day in and day out. A week had passed, and Kat believed in another few days she could saddle Demon and be gone. She would speak to Hetty and her sister and make a decision in her best interests. But would James be safe after she left? Might the dragon return to finish its work? At least whilst here, she could ensure he was well and lend a hand if the dragon came back.
But her sanity crumbled. She barely slept at night, knowing he was in the house. Her body was a wreck of desire, and if they happened to touch by accident, she almost leaped out of her skin. She paused in the grinding of her herbs with mortar and pestle. She had almost enough prepared, so she could leave him well stocked for the rest of his recovery. If she stayed with James until he was up and about, she might never leave.
She returned from the kitchen with his luncheon meal and stopped dead inside the bedroom door. “What are you doing out of bed?”
Her voice was harsh, but he turned with ease from the stretch he was performing. She licked her lips at the way his shoulder muscles moved. Not professional at all. He faced her, and she swallowed at the sight of stomach muscles that had hardly softened with lack of use.
“I was going crazy in bed,” he said. “Best I be up and moving. I think I’m ready.”
“You should let me be the judge,” she snapped, as she carried his meal to a small table by the window. She added more wood to the fire and stood facing him with her arms crossed over her chest.
His gray eyes raked her as if he was seeing her anew. “I can tell when I’m recovered enough. It’s my body after all.” He walked a few steps, still limping. “This knee should warm up nicely. Just needs a few steps across the room.” He walked past her to the far corner and back, his limp improving with each step.
“Well then,” Kat said, “it’s time for me to return home if you no longer need me.”
James stopped before her, close enough to touch, but after a week of her fending him off, he knew better. “Stay.”
She looked away. “You know I can’t.”
“I know no such thing. I proposed to you a week ago, and you said ‘no’. I ask again–please stay with me and be my wife.”
She blew out a long breath. “I don’t think you want me for a wife. You don’t know what you want, except a peaceful life—and you won’t get it with me.”
He grasped her elbows, but she kept her arms crossed before her. Don’t encourage him!
“Katrine, I thought I had explained how I felt. I’m obsessed with you. There is no one like you. Come live here with me, and we’ll work the rest out. Bring your dogs. I don’t care, only please say yes!”
She closed her eyes and up popped the image of him arching over her, pounding into her, giving her more joy than she had ever believed possible. Could he accept her for what she was? He said the words, but could he be the man she needed him to be? Or would he regret being tied to her magic and her world?
“James,” she said, opening her eyes. “I’m not sure if you love me. Only you can decide. I want you to know one thing. I. Love. You. Whatever happens between us, I love you and always will.”
“That sounds like ‘goodbye’,” he said, his hands tightening on her arms.
“That’s exactly what this is. You’re well enough for me to leave, and that’s what I’m doing.”
“You just admitted you love me.”
“I do. And I’d give anything to be your wife, but I won’t say ‘yes’ until I think you mean it. You must prove you love me and that you understand what loving me means. I know you’ve lived it, but you must be ready for this for the rest of your life. Forever.”
“I—”
“No,” she said, raising her hand, “I have no more to say. It’s up to you. Please be careful. The dragon is still out there, and we don’t know what it wants.” She kissed his cheek, taking one last breath of his musky scent, and left the room.
Chapter 15
Two weeks passed. To Kat, getting through each day was like crawling through quicksand. There was plenty to do on the estate as well as a young baby to mind. But the many mundane tasks left Kat’s mind free to contemplate what she had turned down.
James. He was with her each moment of every day and most of the night. He walked her dreams and made love to her over and over. Each time, she grew more frantic. Most mornings she awoke all hot and bothered, the sheets twisted into a snarled mess with her tossing and turning. This morning was no different, but at least the dragon was gone from her nightmares and those of the hounds.
She didn’t regret her decision. James had hurt her with his rejection. Had pursued her and taken her virginity, and then disrespected her by asking her to take the tea that could prevent a pregnancy. He hadn’t wanted her then, and now he had changed his mind. Would he change it again? When times became tough, and he struggled with the reality of life with her, would he honor her then? Or might he run away to another, less complicated woman?
She couldn’t wait for him to prove himself but must keep moving forward and hope missing him would get easier. So far, it wasn’t the case. But, as much as she ached for him, the melancholy w
as gone for good. She was strong and fierce and would live a happy and successful life with or without this man.
“Kat! Hurry up! We need your trunk.”
She stopped her daydreaming and threw the last of her garments into the chest. She shook the creases out of her skirt then ran her hands down over her bodice, pleased at the way the crimson gown hugged her curves. A small kernel of excitement spiraled up her spine. They were to attend the spring ball at the palace! Never usually one for dancing and dressing up, this time Kat had agreed to attend with her sister. Their Aunt Paurella, her mother’s younger sister, was the Queen’s dressmaker, and she had created gowns for them. Esta and Sam were having their first formal social occasion as husband and wife, and Esta had quivered with anticipation for days.
The footman came for her chest, and she followed him from the house, stopping to say goodbye to her mother.
“Goddess preserve us!” Esta said, her head stuck out the Aranati coach window.
“You’re finally here!”
“Are you really so excited at the prospect of dancing with your husband?” Kat asked as Sam handed her up into the coach. “Thank you, Sam.” She sat and arranged her skirts, finding the billowing material unwieldy. When did I last wear a gown? It might be fun to be a lady again, as long as she kept her eyes downcast. Watch the gentlemen run if they glimpsed the silver flecks in her blue irises.
James always looked me in the eye.
“Oh, I am, Kat,” Esta said. “I can’t wait for the ball tomorrow and sharing this experience with you makes it all the more enjoyable. It will be like your season.”
Kat laughed. “A short season indeed.” She combed her long nails through her black hair which was restrained in a head band, not her preferred bandanna. Her nails were painted silver rather than purple, in deference to the more subdued environment of court.
Esta snared her hand. “Don’t fret, dear. Sam and I will see you are treated with respect. And Nikolas too for that matter.” She spoke of Sam’s half-brother, Admiral Nikolas Cosara.
“I’m not concerned,” she snapped, “and I can take care of myself.” She couldn’t admit it to Esta, but she was a little nervous about the ball and being at court. Give her the open sea or a deep forest any day over the idiots that frequented Wildecoast. But perhaps there were gentlemen with whom she might spend an enjoyable moment or two.
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