Scarlett stumbled once, and then again a second time as she crossed the lawn, her legs like jelly. When she finally reached the garden gate her hands were shaking so badly that she had difficulty opening the latch, and by the time she reached her room she could no longer muffle the ragged sobs that tore through her chest. Collapsing onto her bed, she dragged a pillow to her face to dampen the sound as she cried a seemingly endless river of tears.
Chapter 10
As the nighttime shadows that danced gracefully across the walls of her bedchamber slowly gave way to the breaking light of dawn, Scarlett slipped from beneath the covers and walked to the window, pushing the heavy drapes aside as she looked out over the rear garden, her mood solemn. Little over a month had passed since she and her brothers had returned to Grey Oaks, but to her it felt like a year, for each day was nearly as painful as the last. Although she tried not to dwell on the loss of Alec, it was difficult. Despite her best efforts he invaded her thoughts at every turn, and at night, when she finally drifted into an exhausted slumber, he was a near-constant presence in her dreams. She could only hope that with time the pain would lessen, but for now, the weight of it seemed to crush her very soul.
Although she did her best to maintain a brave front around Tess and her brothers, they knew her too well and clearly suspected something was wrong. Rory and Gavin teased her about missing London and her newfound notoriety, but Tess, Colin and Conner were more observant and she could read the growing concern in their eyes. Her oft times red and puffy eyes, aching and tender from a night of crying into her pillow were difficult to hide, as was the sadness that clung to her like a heavy cloak. To escape their worried expressions and probing questions, she had begun spending less and less time with the family and more and more time closeted in her room. She had been avoiding Bethany as well, for it was even more difficult to maintain the false display of happiness around her friend. She longed to confide in her, but she couldn’t tell anyone about her affair with Alec, not even her dearest friend. It had almost been a relief when Bethany and her family had left to spend Christmas with relatives, days earlier.
Turning from the window, she moved to the vanity and reached for the ivory-handled brush that lay on top. It was Christmas morning, and Christmas mornings at Grey Oaks had always been special. Running the brush through her long curls, she tried to summon the festive spirit of the holiday. Today of all days, she didn’t want her lingering sorrow to dampen the joyful atmosphere that was certain to pervade the entire household. It was a day for celebration, not sadness.
When she arrived downstairs, Scarlett stood for a moment in the foyer, scanning her surroundings and smiling in appreciation. Brightly colored decorations adorned every nook and cranny of the house, mistletoe hung from the rafters, and a huge tree was set up in the front parlor, displaying a wide array of ornaments, some new and some passed on from previous generations, and numerous packages wrapped in paper and adorned with vibrantly hued ribbons and bows, were strewn beneath. As always, the sight brought forth fond memories of Christmases past.
In previous years, Scarlett had done her gift shopping in the local village, but this year, she’d spent several hours scouring the numerous shops and markets that lined the London streets and she was eager to give her brothers their presents. She had already given Tess her gift, an exquisitely carved cherry-inlayed music box that played Tess’ favorite lullaby from childhood. She had purchased a gift for Alec as well, a beautifully engraved, antique pocket watch, which she’d intended to surprise him with before leaving London. Now, however, it remained hidden amongst her things.
“Merry Christmas, Minx,” Colin called cheerfully, striding toward her from the parlor.
“Merry Christmas, Colin.” Stepping forward, she walked eagerly into Colin’s outstretched arms. Enfolded in her brother’s loving embrace she felt her spirits lift. Though she might not have Alec, she had the love of her family, and for that she was exceptionally blessed and would be forever thankful.
When they separated, Colin grabbed her hand and began towing her in the direction of the breakfast room. “Let’s hurry and get you fed. We don’t want to be late for mass.”
Attending mass at the village church on Christmas morning was something their family had done for as long as Scarlett could remember, and she had been looking forward to it for days. Father Michael was a kind and caring man, and always delivered the most beautiful and heartwarming sermons. In past years, his sermons had always left her feeling joyful and uplifted. She could only hope that today would be the same, for now more than ever, she would certainly welcome a bit of joy into her life.
When they arrived back home later that morning, Scarlett was feeling better. Father Michael’s sermon had reinforced her appreciation for all of the wonderful blessings in her life and strengthened her resolve to focus on what she had, rather than what she’d lost. It was a time for happiness and celebration, not sorrow.
That afternoon, she and her brothers enjoyed a wonderful feast, which they shared with all of their employees and their families, and then distributed gifts and monetary bonuses to each member of their staff. She determinedly set aside her melancholy and embraced the spirit of the season, smiling, laughing, and singing festive carols with her family and friends. She also joined in on the annual snowball fight between the adults and the children, and didn’t even mind too much when the children informed her that she was too old to play on their side and would have to play with the adults from then on.
By the end of the day, she along with everyone else, was worn out and ready to spend the rest of the evening quietly at home, surrounded by loved ones.
After she and her brothers had exchanged their gifts, Conner suggested a game of cards, and while Gavin and Rory busied themselves with setting up the card table, Scarlett went to stand by the tree. Reaching out her hand, she lightly touched a hand-carved wooden angel, one that had been a favorite of her mother’s. As she stood admiring the intricate carving, Colin came up behind her. Placing his arm across her shoulders, he pulled her to his side.
“It’s good to see you smiling, Minx,” he said. “I haven’t seen nearly enough of those since we’ve been home.”
Scarlett leaned her head against his shoulder and looked up at her brother. “I know. I haven’t been myself lately, have I?”
“Is there anything you would like to talk about?”
She heard the concern in his voice and sought to reassure him. “I am fine Colin, really. You needn’t worry about me so.”
“Conner thinks that perhaps you developed a fondness for one of your suitors, and that you are longing to return to London.” He raised his eyebrows questioningly, waiting for her to confirm or deny the theory.
Leave it to Conner to recognize that her emotional state was due to matters of the heart. It wasn’t surprising; he had always been perceptive. “No, it’s nothing like that.” In a sense what she said was true, for Alec could hardly be considered a suitor. “But I have been thinking about our return to London.”
“I hadn’t planned on returning to the city until Parliament reopens, but I suppose we could return a bit sooner if you’d like.”
“Actually, I was thinking that I might not wish to return to London at all, at least not right away that is.” Colin looked more than a little surprised, and she could hardly blame him.
“You don’t want to finish the Season?”
“Not really,” she said, shaking her head slightly back and forth.
“But why?” he asked. “Is it because of the papers, because of all the attention and everyone’s fascination with the Scarlett Angel? I know it’s a bit overwhelming, but all the fuss is bound to die down eventually, Minx, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
How could she explain to her brother the real reason she didn’t want to return to London? How could she tell him that she couldn’t bear to see Alec and know that they couldn’t be together? How could she attend the theater and chance seeing him there, sitting in
his box with another woman? How could she attend another ball, knowing he might be there, holding another woman in his arms as he moved across the dance floor? How could she bear to hear the rumors regarding the Duke of Worthe’s latest love interest, knowing that it wasn’t her? Just thinking of Alec with another woman made her feel sick; to see it firsthand would surely be more than she could bear.
“It’s not just the attention. It’s more than that. It’s just that I…,” she hesitated, grasping for the right words. “I think perhaps I would like to wait, that’s all, perhaps until next Season.”
“Did something happen, something you’re not telling me?” Colin cocked his head to the side, eyeing her speculatively.
“No, no, it isn’t anything like that Colin, honestly, it’s just me. I would simply prefer to stay home for the time being.” She hated lying to her brother, but what choice did she have? She certainly couldn’t tell him the truth. Silently, she prayed that he wouldn’t see through her as he studied her closely, looking it seemed for any outward sign of what might truly be amiss.
“Are you certain this is what you want, Scarlett?”
Nodding her head, she met Colin’s steady regard, her expression remorseful. “I’m sorry Colin. I know you spent a small fortune on all of my new gowns, and of course there’s Georgie, she’s bound to be disappointed.”
Colin waved his hand dismissively. “You needn’t worry about any of that Scarlett, the money isn’t important, and as for Georgie, well, I am quite certain that she will understand if you choose to postpone your return to Town.” He gave her a squeeze, pulling her close. “We all just want you to be happy, Minx, you know that don’t you?”
“I know. I love you, Colin.” Scarlett wrapped her arms around her brother’s waist and hugged him tight.
Chapter 11
As she fought against the rolling wave of nausea, Scarlett could no longer deny what she had suspected for the past several weeks. Besides the nausea, she had been feeling overly fatigued of late, and had begun taking secret afternoon naps whenever she was able. She also hadn’t had her monthly inconvenience since she’d returned home from London. There was no longer any question in her mind; she was going to have a baby, Alec’s baby. Instead of filling her with dread, the knowledge filled her with an overwhelming sense of joy. She supposed she should feel terrified and even ashamed, and to a certain extent, she did. But for the first time in months, she also felt genuinely happy.
The only real concern she had was telling her brothers. They would be shocked and angry, and of course, they would be disappointed. They would also be supportive, of that she had little doubt. Her brothers loved her, and she knew in her heart that they would never turn their backs on her, despite what she had done and the circumstances she was now facing.
However, when the news of her pregnancy spread, there was sure to be an enormous scandal, especially after all of the attention she had received in London. Not only would her reputation be irreparably ruined, she would be an outcast, and her entire family would be disgraced. Despite her situation, she had absolutely no intention of allowing that to happen. Dragging her family’s name and honor through the mud was unthinkable. She would do anything to prevent dishonor from falling upon her family and upon the innocent child she carried. She would find a way to preserve their family honor and to protect her baby from the shame of illegitimacy. She had to. There was no other choice.
Unfortunately, going to Alec was not an option. He had made his feelings clear. That, and her pride, would never allow her to force him into an unwanted marriage, not even for the sake of their child. He would always resent her for it and perhaps their child as well. She would never take that chance. This time, she would decide what was best for both of them, or rather, for all three of them.
“That was delicious,” Colin said, rising from his seat at the dinner table.
“Yes, Mrs. Crawley outdid herself once again,” Scarlett agreed, hoping no one had noticed that she hadn’t eaten a single bite of her scallops. Once a favorite, the mere smell of the succulent dish now caused her stomach to turn.
“Shall we move to the parlor for an after-dinner drink?” Conner asked, rising from his chair and offering his hand to Scarlett.
Rory and Gavin were presently in London, so for the time being it was just the three of them at home. Despite her fear, she knew that it was time to tell Colin and Conner about her condition. “Perhaps we should move to Colin’s study,” she said, taking Conner’s hand and rising from the table. “There is something I need to speak to both of you about, privately.”
“Of course,” her brothers both agreed, eyeing her curiously as they left the dining room and made their way to Colin’s study.
She had spent the past two days in deep thought, trying to come up with the best possible plan to protect her family and her baby. She had carefully considered several different options, and giving up her child wasn’t one of them. She was keeping her baby, no matter what, and she felt confident that the plan she had finally come up with was the best course of action. She could only hope that her brothers would agree. Now, all she had to do was to tell them, and that would be by far the most difficult part of all.
When they reached the study, Scarlett took a seat on the small sofa, nervously settling her skirts around her as Colin sat down beside her. “Would you please close the door Conner?” she asked, her voice little more than a whisper.
Conner did as she requested, and then settled into the seat across from the sofa, his expression slightly bewildered. Colin too, looked uneasy as they waited for her to speak. Taking a deep breath, Scarlett looked hesitantly between her two brothers and realized that this conversation was going to be even harder than she had anticipated. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words lodged in her throat. Despite her resolve not to cry, she felt tears welling and squeezed her eyes tightly shut to try to stop them from falling. She felt Colin take her hand and tried to calm herself, drawing in another deep breath.
“Scarlett, what it is?” Colin asked, his tone both confused and apprehensive.
She opened her eyes and squeezed his hand, taking strength from the love and concern she saw reflected on his face. She looked across at Conner, and then back to Colin. There was no point in beating around the bush. The words came out softly, almost too quietly to be heard. “I’m going to have a baby.” She looked down at her lap, no longer able to meet their eyes. The silence in the room was deafening.
After what seemed like an eternity, Colin spoke, his voice strangled. “Are you… certain?”
Scarlett looked up and met her brother’s shocked expression. She couldn’t speak and simply nodded her head in response as a tear rolled slowly down her cheek. She stared at Colin for one long, agonizing moment before he reached out and pulled her into his arms. Suddenly she was sobbing against the warmth and security of her brother’s chest. “I’m sorry Colin. I’m so sorry,” she cried, holding on to him like a lifeline. As he cradled her against his chest, gently rocking her back and forth, Conner rose from his seat and moved to sit on the other side of her, placing his hand lightly against her back.
“Shhh,” Colin whispered, softly stroking her hair, murmuring nonsensical words of assurance as he tried to calm her. “Shhh.”
Minutes later, when she was finally able to stem the flow of tears, she sat back against the couch and turned her head to look at Conner. He leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead. “It’s going to be alright, Scarlett,” he asserted, his expression sorrowful, but also reassuring.
She nodded as she wiped the tears from her cheeks, watching as her brothers’ eyes met over her head. She knew what was coming, and she had prepared for it.
“Scarlett,” Colin said, drawing her attention to him. “Who is the father?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, shaking her head.
“Like hell it doesn’t,” Colin refuted, showing his first sign of anger. He looked at her intently, the set of his features firm
and uncompromising. “Who is he, Scarlett?”
“I’m sorry, but I… I can’t tell you,” she managed weakly, finding it difficult to meet his eyes.
“Was it a stranger? Were you forced against your will?” Colin asked, his expression horrified by the sudden thought.
“No, no… it’s nothing like that,” she assured him. “It’s just that I don’t want…that is…I…I won’t tell you who he is, so please don’t ask me again.”
“Scarlett, whoever he is, he needs to be held accountable for his actions,” Conner stated adamantly, though his tone wasn’t quite as austere as Colin’s was.
“No, he doesn’t. It was my choice. I wanted to be with him,” she admitted truthfully. “I am responsible for my own actions and the consequences will fall on me.” Her voice was stronger now, and filled with conviction. It was her fault and she would accept the blame that was due her.
“Scarlett, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Colin interjected, shaking his head. “Obviously you were seduced. It’s only fitting that the blackguard who’s responsible pay for what he did.” His expression was outraged.
“No Colin, it wasn’t like that,” she said, shaking her own head slowly from side to side. “I wasn’t seduced.” She met her brother’s regard with a steady, unwavering look of her own, despite her embarrassment. “It was me, I…I seduced him.”
He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Scarlett, that’s ridiculous,” Colin stated forcefully, his tone indignant. “For Christ’s sake, why are you protecting him?”
Scarlett looked at her eldest brother with as much calm and dignity as she could muster under the circumstances. “He told me no Colin. He told me that we couldn’t be together, truly he did. But I didn’t listen, I didn’t care. I wanted him. I wanted him and I seduced him.”
The Hellion and The Heartbreaker Page 18
