by Lily Baxter
The only person who seemed at all out of place was Josie. Meg sensed immediately that Mother and Josie, although they had greeted each other with hugs and kisses, deep down harboured a mutual dislike. Mother was too clever to show it in front of the family, but Josie seemed edgy and chain-smoked until Adele complained that it made her feel sick. After that Josie disappeared into the garden whenever she needed a cigarette, joining David and Sonia on the terrace.
Two days before Christmas, Gerald and Pip felled a twenty-foot pine tree and dragged it home on the cart drawn by a very elderly Sapphire, who was really retired from duty now but, as Gerald said, they harnessed her up occasionally to make her feel wanted. Meg and Sonia decorated the tree with the help of the twins and Jeremy, who stood on and crushed more of the glass balls than he managed to pass up to them and was eventually relegated to sorting the tinsel. Muriel was supervising activities without actually getting her hands dirty. Having given everyone their tasks for the day, she retired to the study with the Morning Post. Maud, Bertrand and Charles dozed by a roaring log fire in the drawing room. Marie and Jane were in the kitchen up to their elbows in flour and mincemeat, and Meg discovered David peeling potatoes in the scullery.
Taking off a floral print apron he tossed it at her. ‘I’ve done my share of the chores for today. You can clear up for me, Meg.’
‘You don’t get out of the washing up that easily, David.’ She hung the pinafore back on its peg. ‘Anyway, I’m on child-minding duty in the hall. Come and see the tree. It’s finished.’
He linked his hand through her arm as they left the kitchen and made their way to the entrance hall. ‘How are you really, Meg?’ David asked anxiously. ‘Do you still miss the old Kraut?’
She patted him on the cheek. ‘Like hell, if you must know. But I doubt if I’ll ever see him again. I’ve just got to get on with my life.’
He stopped to give her a hug. ‘Good for you. I only want you to be happy.’
In the hall, they stood side by side, admiring the tree. David turned to Jeremy who was chasing Amy with a sprig of holly. ‘Are you supposed to be doing that?’
‘It’s fun making her squeal,’ Jeremy said, grinning impishly.
David swooped on him and set him on his shoulders. ‘There, now you can’t get into any trouble, can you?’
Jeremy’s response to this was to pull David’s ears.
‘I can see you with half a dozen kids, David,’ Meg said, wistfully. Having a family of her own seemed a distant dream now.
‘The more the merrier,’ David said, tickling Jeremy’s bare legs and making him shout with laughter.
Sonia had been clearing up but she paused, smiling indulgently. ‘Don’t I get a say in this?’
‘Of course not, darling. You’re just the little woman.’
She tossed a pine cone at him, narrowly missing Jeremy, who screeched gleefully. ‘Do it again, Auntie Sonia.’
David set him down on the floor. ‘I think that’s enough of that, young man. Why don’t you go and find Auntie Jane and ask her for a mince pie?’
Lucy tugged at his sleeve. ‘May we have one too, Uncle David?’
‘Sure, poppet. You and Amy go with Jeremy.’
‘I’ll take them,’ Sonia said, grasping Jeremy by the hand. She brushed David’s cheek with her lips as she went past.
‘Thank you, Auntie Sonia,’ Lucy said sweetly.
David watched them walk away, shaking his head and smiling. ‘What polite children. Addie must beat them with a stick every night.’
‘Shut up and do something useful,’ Meg said, thrusting an empty cardboard box at him. ‘Help me finish the tidying up.’
He eyed her speculatively. ‘And what about you, Meg? Are you really all right? About Rayner, I mean.’
‘I’m okay.’
‘You’ll get over him eventually and find someone who deserves a splendid girl like you.’
‘Have you heard from him recently?’ She had made an effort to sound casual, but she could not quite control the telltale break in her voice.
‘As a matter of fact I had a Christmas card from him a couple of weeks ago.’
Meg’s fingers froze around a glass ball that had rolled beneath the tree. ‘And?’
‘He said he’d written to you many times, but you hadn’t replied. He wanted to know if you’d met someone else.’
The glass ball shattered in Meg’s grasp and she stared blankly at a pinprick of blood oozing from a small puncture wound. ‘I didn’t get any letters.’
David shrugged his shoulders. ‘He must have sent them here. Ask Mother, maybe she’s kept them for you.’
‘Did he say anything else?’
‘You’re bleeding all over the floor, Meg. You’d better go and stick that finger under the tap.’
‘Did he say anything else, David?’
‘You know me, Meg. I can’t be bothered with reading letters – or writing them come to that. As far as I can remember, it sounded as though he was settling down in Brazil, and wasn’t thinking about returning to Europe. There can’t be much left for him in Germany, after all.’
Wrapping her hanky around the cut on her finger, she pushed past him and went in search of her mother. She found her in the study, opening the post. ‘Where are my letters, Mother?’
Muriel looked up, the paperknife poised over a deckle-edged envelope. ‘What letters?’
‘You know very well what letters. The ones postmarked Brazil.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
Meg thumped her good hand down on the desk. ‘Yes, you do.’
Muriel’s eyes narrowed and her lips set in a thin line. ‘As a matter of fact I burnt them. Your unfortunate liaison with the young German is best forgotten, Meg. He was quite unsuitable for you.’
‘How dare you, Mother? How dare you interfere with my life? Those letters were addressed to me.’
Calmly, with eyes like shards of glass, Muriel stood up. ‘That’s quite enough of that, young lady. I can see Josie’s influence here and I don’t like it.’
‘It’s got nothing to do with Josie. I’m a grown woman not a schoolgirl and you’ve probably ruined my life.’
‘Calm down, Meg. I won’t have these tantrums in my house.’
Muriel’s icy voice and hard eyes had their effect and Meg’s anger crystallised into a hard ball inside her stomach. ‘When I didn’t reply to his letters he must have thought that I didn’t love him any more, but nothing could be further from the truth. He may even have found someone else, and it’s all your fault.’
‘If he’s found someone else already then he didn’t think much of you in the first place and you’ve had a lucky escape.’ Muriel held her hand out towards Meg with a conciliatory half-smile. ‘Meg, I know what it’s like to have a husband who cheats on you. I wouldn’t want you to suffer the same thing.’
For a moment Meg hesitated, feeling like a child yearning for her mother’s smile of forgiveness, but she was too angry to apologise. Anyway, she thought bitterly, why should she? She was not the one in the wrong. She took a step backwards, shaking her head. ‘It won’t work on me, Mother. You may be able to make the rest of them do exactly what you want, but I’ve been through too much not to know my own mind.’
Muriel dropped her hand to her side. ‘You’ve lost your mind, if you want my opinion. You’ve seen how the islanders feel about Jerrybags. You would be socially ostracised if you took up with a German.’
‘There’s not much danger of that, is there, since you decided to interfere. I’ll never forgive you for this. Never.’ Meg stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
‘Hey. Where’s the fire?’ Gerald grasped her by the shoulders as she cannoned into him.
‘Let me go.’
His eyes searched her face. ‘What’s happened, Meg? Who’s upset you?’
‘I’ve got to get out of this house before I scream.’
He hooked his arm around her shoulders. ‘It’s pouring with rain. You’
ll be soaked to the skin in minutes.’
She made for the front door. ‘I don’t care.’
Hurrying after her, he caught her by the arm. ‘Wait a minute and I’ll fetch our coats. I’m taking the car into town to collect your father from his chambers. Come with me and you can tell me all about it.’
Gerald drove in silence while Meg told him what her mother had done. ‘So that’s it,’ she said finally. ‘I stood up to her for the first time in my life, and now all I want to do is get the next boat back to the mainland.’
‘Unless you can walk on water you’ll have to wait until the Christmas holiday is over.’
‘I’m so bloody angry. I feel I could run across the waves without sinking.’
‘Well, at least wait until it stops raining.’
His expression was so comical that Meg found herself giggling, or was she crying? It felt much the same. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. ‘Oh, Gerald, I have missed you. I’m so glad that we’re friends again.’ She reached out and laid her hand on his as it rested on the gear stick.
‘Me too. I never thought I’d be able to say that and mean it, but I do. Part of me will always love you, Meg, but I’ve grown used to the idea that you’re my sister. It’s an odd thing, but working on the estate and living in the manor house actually helps me to feel part of the family.’
‘And you’re happy with that?’
‘I wasn’t at first, but I am now. Give it time, Meg. Maybe you’ve got the wrong idea about Rayner. After all, he did write to you and you’ve no idea what those letters contained, so don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions.’
‘But both Walter and David said that he’d settled in Brazil.’
‘He’s too besotted with Sonia to get things straight. I’m sure you’ll hear from Rayner again. Just give it time.’ He brought the car to a halt and leaned across Meg to open the door. ‘Hop out. I’ll pick you up on the way back. That’ll give you half an hour at least to have a girlie chat with Pearl.’
Meg realised that they had stopped outside the Tostevins’ house. She kissed him on the cheek. ‘You’re the best friend and brother in the world.’
‘I know it,’ Gerald said, chuckling. ‘Off you go.’
She climbed out of the car and waved as he drove off towards the town centre. She had a feeling of déjà vu as she walked down the path. It was exactly a year ago that she had arrived cold and distraught on Pearl’s doorstep. There had been the same salty bite in the air then, and the monotonous swish of rain bouncing off glistening pavements. The electrically charged emotions of that afternoon in the Tostevins’ bitterly cold parlour came flooding back, and her hand shook as she reached for the doorbell.
Pearl screamed with delight on seeing her. She dragged Meg down the hall to the drawing room where a coal fire burned in the grate. A small Christmas tree swathed in twinkling fairy lights stood on top of the piano. Buster cavorted around Meg, nuzzling her hand and whimpering with excitement. It was only then that she realised that they were not alone. A young man wearing naval uniform rose from a chair by the fireplace.
‘Isn’t it marvellous, Meg?’ Pearl said, smiling happily. ‘Teddy has come home on leave after all this time.’ She held her hand out to him. ‘You remember Meg, don’t you, darling?’
‘Of course I do,’ Teddy said, slipping his arm around Pearl’s waist. ‘It’s good to see you again, Meg.’
‘You too, Teddy.’ Meg forced her lips into a smile, but their happiness only seemed to make the hollow place in her heart grow larger.
‘Pearl has been telling me about the terrible time you’ve had,’ Teddy said sympathetically. ‘You poor girls, what you must have been through.’
‘It’s all over now,’ Pearl said, waving her left hand in front of Meg’s face. ‘Do you like my ring? Teddy bought it for me yesterday. I’m so happy I could burst.’
On the journey home, Meg sat in the back of the car barely speaking. Her father and Gerald chatted amicably about practical matters, and it was a relief that they did not expect her to join in. She felt strangely alienated from the people who had been so much a part of her life. None of them could fully understand her pain and loneliness. She would never know what Rayner had put in his letters, and by the same token he would be left wondering why she had not answered them. She could only hope that Gerald had been correct in his assumption that Rayner would try to contact her again. Buster snuggled up against her on the back seat and licked her hand as if he alone understood. Pearl had tried to persuade her to leave him with them, but Gerald had promised to look after him while Meg was away from home. She felt that if she lost Buster now, she would have lost everything she loved. She knew it was irrational, but his mere presence was a comfort.
Muriel met them in the hall. She gave Meg the all too familiar Gorgon look, with her pencilled eyebrows raised. It was a challenge, and Meg knew that in a battle with her mother she would be the loser.
‘Sorry, Mother.’
Charles glanced at her in surprise. ‘What are you sorry for now, Meg?’
Muriel took him by the arm. ‘Nothing, dear. It was a silly misunderstanding, but it’s all forgotten now. Meg, go and find everyone and bring them into the drawing room for drinks. It is Christmas after all.’
For the next few days, Meg made a huge effort to appear happily normal and she joined in everything from the Christmas morning church service to parlour games on Boxing Day. She tried to enjoy the long walks over the frosty fields with Buster and the children gambolling on ahead, but somehow no matter how much effort she put into each day, she could not shrug off the feeling of alienation. The war years were too fresh in her memory to be blotted out by her rumbustious family who, much as she loved them all, had no understanding of the torment she was enduring. She kept up the unarmed truce with her mother, but Meg knew that she had overstepped the mark by openly defying her, and she could not forgive her for destroying Rayner’s letters.
It was only with Josie and Gerald that Meg felt really comfortable. But she discovered to her dismay that Josie was bolstering her spirits with frequent nips from the gin bottle hidden in her bedroom.
‘You can’t go on like this, Josie,’ Meg said when she found a second empty bottle lying on the floor by the bed.
Josie lay sprawled on her green satin eiderdown, fully dressed with her lipstick smeared and her mascara running down her cheeks like tears painted on a clown’s face. She squinted up at Meg with bloodshot eyes. ‘Just a little Dutch courage, that’s all, darling.’
Meg tossed the bottle into the wastepaper basket. She perched on the edge of the bed. ‘Josie, this is damned ridiculous. When we get back to Oxford the first thing you’re going to do is to tell Walter how you feel about him.’
Josie raised herself on one elbow. ‘Meg, I couldn’t.’
‘You must. Unless you want to drink yourself to death.’
‘He’s a mere boy and I’m almost forty. Everyone will say I’m cradle-snatching.’
‘Who cares? And anyway, he’s twenty-eight if he’s a day. It’s obvious that you’re both crazy about each other and he needs someone like you. You need him. So where’s the problem?’
Josie winced. ‘Please don’t shout, Meg. My head aches.’
‘I’ll stop if you promise to tell him how you feel.’
‘All right. I promise.’
Christmas was over and it was time for the family who were returning to the mainland to leave for the ferry terminal. Meg was able to lose herself in the confusion of tearful goodbyes, hugs and kisses and promises to keep in touch. She brushed her lips against her mother’s scented cheek, sensing the undercurrent of disapproval. It was quite different when her father held her in a fond embrace, and there were tears in his eyes as he begged her to come home soon.
Gerald held her for a moment and then kissed her on both cheeks. ‘Good luck,’ he said softly. ‘Write to him and tell him what happened. Give him a chance to make things right, but remember that I’ll be here for you if you eve
r need me.’
Meg threw her arms around his neck and gave him a hug. ‘You’ll always be special to me. Take care of yourself and don’t let Pip tease Buster.’
Billy had already left driving the farm truck piled high with their luggage, and the family were clambering for places in the three waiting taxis. When they finally drove off in convoy, Meg craned her neck to catch one last glimpse of Gerald standing on the steps, holding Buster by the collar, waving frantically. She sat back and closed her eyes. She had secretly telephoned Walter at his home in Wiltshire. If he was not on the quay at Weymouth waiting for Josie with a huge bouquet of flowers and the courage to tell her he loved her, then she would wash her hands of them both.
The winter months gradually gave way to spring and Meg concentrated on managing the boutique, leaving Josie free to concentrate on buying stock and doing the rounds of her well-to-do friends to persuade them to part with their unwanted gowns. Business was brisk and Meg worked hard, resolutely pushing all thoughts of Rayner to the back of her mind. Although the strategy succeeded reasonably well during the busy daylight hours, it failed miserably at night. He invaded her dreams, causing her to awaken in the early hours and making further sleep impossible. She often crept downstairs to the kitchen at four in the morning to make herself a pot of tea. As the mornings grew lighter and the weather warmer she would take her tea into the garden to watch the sunrise and listen to the warbling notes of the dawn chorus.
